Members tlc Posted October 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 It's almost seven months since I lost my best friend and soul mate of twenty one years. Didn't know that it was possible to cry so many tears for so long and still live. I just about get through each day wondering why I have to and not wanting to. I have lost the will to live actually. I look at myself in the mirror and do not recognise me. I have lost so much weight. I must admit that I was not eating well towards the end of my partners life and for months afterwards but have been eating healthily and adequately for the past two months. No improvement though. I believe that one can die of a broken heart. Maybe that is what is happening on a physical level and that's ok. I can live (or die) with that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Membership HPB Posted October 25, 2018 Membership Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 29 minutes ago, tlc said: Didn't know that it was possible to cry so many tears for so long and still live. I just about get through each day wondering why I have to and not wanting to. I have lost the will to live actually. ...same here! 29 minutes ago, tlc said: I believe that one can die of a broken heart. ...nothing better than this should please happen to me, asap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 25, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 I don't know why we live through this, I would have thought I would have died of a broken heart, but instead here I am all these years later. No such luck! I guess we're meant to survive, adjust, and continue living, wouldn't have been my first choice though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jamiei Posted October 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 I believe this is living hell... I pray every night I won’t wake up. All I do is work and sleep. Life has become so miserable. It’s amazing how you can be so very happy and in a day it’s gone. Everyday I still wake up and can’t believe this is real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Spengler Posted October 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 hour ago, tlc said: I believe that one can die of a broken heart. Yes, it most certainly is possible to die of a broken heart. Many grieving partners die within a year of their loved one's passing. But, sometimes the Lord has other plans. And maybe your work here on earth is yet unfinished and you still have a duty to the living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted October 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 I have really been struggling lately too. I wish so bad that I could have my husband back. I am still not sure which direction to head. It feels so empty to just go to work everyday and then go home but for the most part that is all I have the energy for. I cry and talk to my husband at night laying in bed all alone. It is a wonder that people ever make it through this experience. It is soooooooooooo hard to move forward and keep your spirit intact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted October 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2018 3 hours ago, HPB said: believe that one can die of a broken heart. there is medically a term 'broken heart syndrome. Cardiologist are aware and if you were working with one and suffered a loss they would be monitoring this. Much again it depends on the individuals history, the relationship etc. etc. I personally don't focus on this because I can't. I want to survive and live with love and joy and light again so for me it is a space I can't visit but I understand. I know I cant replace the Wayne but I do now there is a different joy that I can feel. Last night was rough. The waking up from a deep sleep with the visual of my trauma of a sudden loss.. With the trauma being revisited I realized it is now 1 yr and 1 month, It still at times feels so surreal. With that grief wave I realized tomorrow is 4 months since the loss of my mom. From there I understood why some people cant process this pain. Yet I was feeling the pain wondering how am I surviving? I guess we do as I'm still here determined as ever to find my way through this. The missing and the wondering how I do make it is usually when some angel appears. A kind word...a smile...a surge of powerful energy or the messages I receive. There are moments that are pure hell but I know lightness will follow. I'm here. I'm left. I'm going to be the things I love most about the people who are gone. I don't count my days that I will join him. He IS with me in love and spirit and I'm going to enjoy fully my time here even in those so very dark despair moments. Do I miss him? Do I miss us? I can't even put into words how deeply he is missed, xo or how shattered I am but I am living and with gratitude appreciating the joys and experiences that are presenting themselves...….differently Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KalB Posted October 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2018 Hi Sunflower2, Your comments resonate with me for several reasons. I loved it when you said you "want to survive and live with love and joy and light again." I appreciate the fact that you have hope! You indicated that you are still here determined as ever to find your way through this. I feel the same way. There IS a reason our loved ones are not with us anymore but WE are still here. Grief is excruciating, life is painful. No one escapes this life without suffering. We all have to experience it - there's no way out except through death. I absolutely believe our loved ones spirits are still with us and they want us to keep moving forward. They want us to be happy and experience love again (love comes in many forms). I love the fact that, although you continue to grieve and miss your husband, you still find something to be grateful for everyday. I've read repeatedly on this forum how it's difficult for people to wake up and get out of bed each morning. So true! I get up every morning, make my coffee and write in my journal: five things I'm grateful for, my intention(s) for the day and a positive affirmation or two to reflect on throughout the day. Seriously, every morning I do this. I just returned from a trip and even on my trip I set my alarm a little earlier so I could make the time to write these things down in my journal. Some days I even write a little note or two to my husband (sometimes I'm nice to him - other times not!). I ask him to send me "signs" that he is still with me and he does! Even though our relationship was turbulent we did have some amazing times and great memories and I'm grateful that I learned so many things about myself from sharing a part of my life with him. I, too, am still traumatized by the events on the day my husband died so I am beginning some trauma therapy with a counselor in the next week to deal with that. Perhaps that might be an option for you, as well. I'm just doing everything I can to save my own life right now because I don't want to be a casualty of a heartbreak heart attack. I really don't want to be a victim of anything ever again. As we've all seen, life is too short and it's all about choices. My favorite movie line from The Shawshank Redemption is: "You can go on living or go on dying." I'm choosing to go on living. Thank you for sharing your hope and positive energy with everyone. It really helped inspire me and I hope it helps others, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tlc Posted October 26, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2018 Thank you to those who responded to my post. Those who understand the loss and the grief and the pain. It's all very well to be positive and keep on living but doesn't it depend on what you have to live for? If you have family, lots of friends, grandchildren, work etc, etc. What about if you don't have any of those things? We had each other. Now I am alone. I have been trying so hard to complete projects and plans and unfinished business that we had. To be as positive as I can. Work in the garden which I love to do. But, I am just treading water, biding time. I talk to him all the time. Ask his advice and I have had many signs from Terry since he left. The bottom line is this. He was my life,my love, my everything. Why would I want to have a new, different life? Kayc you have managed to survive for so many years and I just don't know how you have done it. I relate so much to everything that you have suffered and been through and you are so strong. I have been through a lot in this lifetime but this is by far the hardest test yet by far. Am i strong enough....not so sure at the moment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KalB Posted October 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2018 Hi tlc, My entire Being was wrapped around, underneath and through my husband. He was my everything and I was his. We were partners in crime, partners in life, partners in everything. I surrendered everything I had, everything I was to be with him. I even moved thousands of miles away to a foreign country (away from my family and friends) to start a new dream with him. It was him and me against the world. Then he died on me. So now I have to literally find myself and start over without the "us." It will take me a while to move all of my things back to the States. I'm living with my niece in a small bedroom with two large dogs. She doesn't understand what I'm going through and she is a functional alcoholic. One of my sisters is a major alcoholic. My oldest sister tries to be there for me but she has her own life. Everyone has their own life (husbands, kids, jobs, grandchildren, etc.) and no one completely understands me. I have a few girlfriends but they're in relationships and again, have their own lives. So I feel very alone most of the time. Half of me is gone. My future plans with my husband are gone and he left me with a TON of unfinished business, which I'll be dealing with for months, maybe years. You asked, "Why would I want to have a new, different life?" You want to because you have a choice! Right now, for all of us, it's either choose to live or choose to die. Live in love or live in fear. I figure as long as I'm going to be here on this planet without my husband I surely must have a purpose and I don't want to live in fear anymore. I choose life. There has to be something you are meant to do, to be while you are still breathing. This IS the hardest thing all of us have ever been through and you are not alone. Yet everything truly does happen for a reason. Your husband wants you to be happy and find joy, meaning and purpose in your life again. Choose to live and do so in love. You ARE strong enough - you've made it this far! We all have. We can do this - YOU can do this! Prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 26, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted October 26, 2018 21 hours ago, Sunflower2 said: He IS with me in love and spirit and I'm going to enjoy fully my time here even in those so very dark despair moments. Do I miss him? Do I miss us? I can't even put into words how deeply he is missed, xo or how shattered I am but I am living and with gratitude appreciating the joys and experiences that are presenting themselves...….differently Sunflower, I lead a grief support group and two days ago this was our very lesson...finding new ways of relating to them and incorporating them into our lives. Feeling that connectedness. Most people who adjust positively through this feel some sense of connection with them after their death. Perhaps a sensing they are guiding us, or taking with us those memories and lesson we've learned from them. However it looks to you, having some connection with your loved one helps us in the long term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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