Complicated feelings

[Epope]

I lost my love Derek 4 months, 7 days ago. Each day feels like another round in the ring, where I either come out strong, or I'm down for the count. I'm getting stronger, learning how to deal with certain emotions that used to knock me out cold. Or there are some days where I see it coming and I do nothing but let it hit me hard. I cry often, as hard and as long as I need to. Sometimes I cry at work and shut my office door. Or I cry on the way home. I always cry on the way home because I know he won't be there. 

Derek had two best friends. One who, shortly after Derek and I got together, I quickly became friends with and I consider him a brother now. The other, I never knew well and the two of us were wary of one another. I'll refer to him as Jon for the sake of this making sense. So Jon and I never spoke, maybe here and there, but never a full on conversation. We were strangers. He's a lone wolf, and someone who I knew didn't like small talk. Jon had been there for the worst of Derek's life, and I had been there for the best and the final stretch of it. Jon and I had nothing connecting us except for Derek. And after Derek passed, I said something truly awful to Jon. Something I can't even think about repeating because it tears me up. Maybe more than it tears him up, but at the same time I don't regret saying it. He wasn't waiting for an apology, and I don't think he even ever wanted one, he just wanted to be there for me because he loved Derek and he knew Derek loved me. So he texted one day, and we started talking. Not frequently as in days in a row. But when we'd start talking, it would be long messages about everything and anything. Just free words flying out. 

It wasn't until something happened that involved Derek's mother that I felt so angry, alone, scared, desperate, enraged that I opened up to him about the cause of death. It was something I was adamant about never knowing because it wouldn't bring me peace, and once I knew, I felt so helpless I needed someone to talk to. Almost like if I told him, he could take all the bad thoughts I had about everything and keep them for me. I didn't want to talk to family or friends because the cause of death is quite complicated. And I knew that Jon would be the only person that I could freely talk to about it. From that conversation, I finally apologized for what I said. Perhaps I did it in that moment because I realized he was making me feel safe when all I feel is vulnerable - and I wanted him to know that I felt terrible and I was sorry for what I had said that one day. He opened up so much to me after that - which I didn't think was possible since we've been extremely open. He really is the only one who I feel better talking to, and we've pretty much said those words to one another. I think we have both been brutally and painfully honest about everything and anything that it has created a bond between us that developed quite quickly and easily. 

This is where my complicated feelings come in to play. I understand that my brain is going through a lot. I understand that my heart is going through a lot. I know that I am feeling all kinds of new things. But the newest thing I realized I feel is nervous about actually seeing him in person. We've only seen each other twice since Derek passed, once at his life celebration, and once on the 4th of July - so many words and thoughts have been shared since then. I suppose I'm nervous because right now, I feel something lingering inside that may just be because I have a void in my life, or may be because I feel a very strong connection. Maybe it's both. I don't know exactly what I "feel", but it's confusing and I don't know what it says about me. I do know that I want to see him and be near him simply because whatever I say isn't put under a microscope, or isn't followed by judgement and I feel safe. It's so easy to be the "me" i am now because he never knew the me before - therefore I don't have to censor anything like I do with people who know me well. 

Thanks for listening - this was hard to type. 

[HPB]

13 hours ago, Epope said:

But the newest thing I realized I feel is nervous about actually seeing him in person.

I think I can feel, what you mean, but my gut feeling is to better keep enough distance at the moment, and not to "act" now upon your very confusing and raw feelings.

I believe the initial feelings we go through is really like a roller coaster, and we are not always in full control, also very vulnerable and prone to make mistakes in the moment.

Keep the necessary distance, eventhough this very person seems to understand you most. Later you can still deviate from an initially set up (safety)distance, but later you would be unable to undo something you might regret in the long run.

[Epope]

Thank you, @HPB. I appreciate the response. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, HPB said:

my gut feeling is to better keep enough distance at the moment, and not to "act" now upon your very confusing and raw feelings.

Very sound advice.

16 hours ago, Epope said:

I don't know what it says about me.

It doesn't say anything about you.  You are going through a LOT and your feelings are normal.  When we lose the person we love most in the world, we miss connecting with someone, having someone to talk to.  That's how I ended up being conned by the person who said he was George's friend...not suggesting that Jon is a con, just saying that's how I ended up in the situation I found myself in.  When you lose your spouse and all your friends disappear on you, it's pretty danged tough.

[Epope]

Thanks @KayC. I do very much miss connecting with someone. I miss Derek. I miss everything about him. I miss how he understood me and how we shared a brain. I miss us. I miss the "me" that I used to be. The "me" now is someone I don't recognize fully - and it's hard to share all of this new me with friends and family. I go on wearing a mask so they aren't concerned or hover over me asking how they can help. I don't have to pretend with Jon. He didn't know the old me very well, but knows more than anyone the new me.

And i'm sorry to hear that you were conned. Truly awful after you had been through so much - I can only imagine. 

[ModKatB]

8 hours ago, HPB said:

I think I can feel, what you mean, but my gut feeling is to better keep enough distance at the moment, and not to "act" now upon your very confusing and raw feelings.

Keep the necessary distance, eventhough this very person seems to understand you most.

I think this is good advice because your emotions are all over the place and you can make hasty choices that can cause problems later. It is easy to attach yourself to the feelings of comfort that you get from this person. If this person is meant to be in your life then he will be there after you have had a chance to work thru your grief and all of the other emotions that come from the journey you are on.

[KayC]

Just be cautious...remember, we have grief fog in those early months/years and can't think with absolute clarity.  I liken this much to brain trauma, this grief really impacts us and we're very vulnerable.

[Nely]

@Epope I am really sorry you have to feel this way. I must say that it hasn't been easy for any of us in this forum. But thank God we have ourselves to talk to.

I honestly agree with the advise given prior. Please keep your distance as much as you can, at least for now.

On 10/25/2018 at 6:43 PM, KatB said:

your emotions are all over the place and you can make hasty choices that can cause problems later. It is easy to attach yourself to the feelings of comfort that you get from this person. If this person is meant to be in your life then he will be there after you have had a chance to work thru your grief and all of the other emotions that come from the journey you are on.

I couldn't have said it better. You see, we are very vulnerable at this time. Sad as it is that my husband's friends and our mutual friends are not here for me, I somewhat count it as a blessing because there are times I have felt so emotional wrecked that anything could have happened and trust me, some of which  I would have regretted later. 

It's good to have support but don't get too attached especially with someone with whom you could get intimate with except of cos you know you are ready and not driven by your grief.

I pray we all find peace and strength as each day passes.

Sending you distant hugs and  love.