Having a hard time

[Roger]

Wife committed suicide in January.  I’ve been surrounded by family and friends since then. This past week after selling my house I moved into an apartment and am all by myself for the first time since her passing. 

I thought I was coping until now. I’m a mess so my questions and feelings have come back. Guilt grief and confusion.  I don’t know who to talk to and how to deal.   I need help. 

[KayC]

Roger,

I am so sorry for the loss of your spouse.  It is one of the hardest losses as it affects every aspect of your life, our spouse is our other half.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.

It is hard enough to lose your spouse, I can attest, it's the hardest thing in the world I've ever gone through, but to lose them to suicide is a whole new level.  I hope you're getting grief counseling!  There is a suicide section here as well, you might want to post in both places.

I wrote an article based on what I've learned over my journey that has helped me (it's been 13 years for me now), and I will share it with you in the hopes that something is of help to you.  I encourage you to print it out and read it every few months because different things will speak to you on down the road, this is definitely a journey of progression.

I started a grief support group over a year ago as our community didn't have one, and I've been amazed at the progress I've seen in the people, I wish they'd had one when I was going through this in the earlier years.

Also, here's some articles you might find of interest:
http://ask.aftertalk.com/1261-2/ (for the record, I hate the term "move on" and prefer the use of the word "continue")
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Brazil Man]

11 hours ago, Roger said:

I thought I was coping until now. I’m a mess so my questions and feelings have come back. Guilt grief and confusion.  I don’t know who to talk to and how to deal.   I need help.

11 hours ago, Roger said:

 

I think feeling guilty is part of grieving process. I lost my wife to lung cancer and I also feel guilty. I think our minds try to find out where we made mistakes. Things you should or should not have done.

[KayC]

It is, even when we haven't earned it.  It's good to keep in mind that it is a FEELING, and not FACT-based!  Plus we ask ourselves all of the "what-ifs" in an effort to come up with a different outcome, but as reality sets in, we begin to realize...there is no outcome but this one.  It takes quite a while to process our grief, I think it took me a good three years, and longer yet to find purpose and even more time to build a life I could live.

[KalB]

On 10/11/2018 at 10:39 PM, Roger said:

Wife committed suicide in January.  I’ve been surrounded by family and friends since then. This past week after selling my house I moved into an apartment and am all by myself for the first time since her passing. 

I thought I was coping until now. I’m a mess so my questions and feelings have come back. Guilt grief and confusion.  I don’t know who to talk to and how to deal.   I need help. 

Hi Roger, I'm so sorry to hear about your wife.  I know your heart is still breaking.  There are so many great people on this forum who have helped me through my own loss.  Since my husband's death I've immersed myself in lots of reading because I just had to understand since "I" survived losing my husband what was really my purpose on this earth now (because I just really wanted to die, too).  One book I came across is called, "Grieving to Believing:  Discovering the Afterlife," by Deb Sheppard.  The author's husband committed suicide and within four years her nephew also committed suicide.  While she offers some great insight on loss and grief her primary focus is on suicide.  Perhaps you may find it helpful.  Prayers are with you, my friend, and just know we are all here for you.

[blackflag]

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss.