It's the little things, not just the big ones

[BetsyD]

So, I haven't been here in a while, because I took a major step and put my house on the market. Within two days I had had four showings and two offers and I will be leaving Tennessee on October 27 to move to Litchfield Park, AZ (suburb of Phoenix) to a house in the same development as my children and my little grandson. The movers will be packing me up six months to the day after my beloved husband Tom died. This has been a very hard decision, of course, but I am all alone here in this house (other than my pups and cats) and have no family and very VERY few friends here in this little town. Tom wanted me to leave...I don't belong here. Politically, intellectually, educationally, spiritually...this is not the right place for me. 

Packing has been arduous to say the least. The idea of leaving this place, a house he worked on so hard to make it just right for us, the place where we together built a barn for our now rehomed horse, is sad...but not because of the house, certainly not because of the town, but because of how much he put into it. But I have to take that spirit and love with me. I have stopped looking at every picture and memento as I pack. It is too hard. I decided to pack boxes of pictures and the kids and I will look through them together. It is too much for me to do alone. I stop and stare and weep and wonder. Why did we even come to this place? Why did we leave Sarasota where at least had this happened to him I would have had so many of my friends around me? But the whys are useless.  We did move. We did leave. And now I have to do it again in order to be with my children. At least I will be with my little grandson for his first Halloween, first Thanksgiving and first Christmas...my first of everything without my Tom. I have to be sure that little boy knows all about his beloved grandpa and how much he loved him for his brief time with him.

It hit me very hard today...I had to address the "marital status" question for the first time. I shook. I don't want to say widowed, since I will always be married to Tom. I know I have to acknowledge my status for legal reasons. But it seems like such an ugly word to me. I don't know why. 

Anyway - I thought I would just say hi to everyone and to tell you I am still here in spirit. But packing up three stories and five acres, five pets and all my memories all by myself, has taken up a lot of time and energy and I pass out at night from sheer exhaustion and depression.

You all continue to be in my heart.

[KayC]

I can't imagine.  I've lived here nearly 42 years, to pack up by myself seems insurmountable.  I have to hand it to you!  A friend of mine did that this year, she'd lived in the same place for 45 years and her husband had died a year ago.  I think she's still in shock.

I think the move will be a positive one for you since you'll be around your family and not alone so much.  And if you hadn't moved from Sarasota, you would have had to go through hurricane Irma.  

You will always have your memories with you, they bring me much comfort, I draw from them often.  

I'm glad you stopped in to say hello to us and let us know how you're doing.  Check in with us when you're settled, okay?

[Sunflower2]

18 hours ago, BetsyD said:

So, I haven't been here in a while, because I took a major step and put my house on the market. Within two days I had had four showings and two offers and I will be leaving Tennessee on October 27 to move to Litchfield Park, AZ (suburb of Phoenix) to a house in the same development as my children and my little grandson. The movers will be packing me up six months to the day after my beloved husband Tom died. This has been a very hard decision, of course, but I am all alone here in this house (other than my pups and cats) and have no family and very VERY few friends here in this little town. Tom wanted me to leave...I don't belong here. Politically, intellectually, educationally, spiritually...this is not the right place for me. 

Packing has been arduous to say the least. The idea of leaving this place, a house he worked on so hard to make it just right for us, the place where we together built a barn for our now rehomed horse, is sad...but not because of the house, certainly not because of the town, but because of how much he put into it. But I have to take that spirit and love with me. I have stopped looking at every picture and memento as I pack. It is too hard. I decided to pack boxes of pictures and the kids and I will look through them together. It is too much for me to do alone. I stop and stare and weep and wonder. Why did we even come to this place? Why did we leave Sarasota where at least had this happened to him I would have had so many of my friends around me? But the whys are useless.  We did move. We did leave. And now I have to do it again in order to be with my children. At least I will be with my little grandson for his first Halloween, first Thanksgiving and first Christmas...my first of everything without my Tom. I have to be sure that little boy knows all about his beloved grandpa and how much he loved him for his brief time with him.

It hit me very hard today...I had to address the "marital status" question for the first time. I shook. I don't want to say widowed, since I will always be married to Tom. I know I have to acknowledge my status for legal reasons. But it seems like such an ugly word to me. I don't know why. 

Anyway - I thought I would just say hi to everyone and to tell you I am still here in spirit. But packing up three stories and five acres, five pets and all my memories all by myself, has taken up a lot of time and energy and I pass out at night from sheer exhaustion and depression.

You all continue to be in my heart.

This is such an uplifting beautiful share and even in grief you seem to have been able to evaluate and process this decision!!  You are moving to where you need to be.  I want this too but it will be longer to process simply because it will be a major change in many areas.  Moving from owning to renting.  At 69 I'm moving into the direction of renting,  Scaling down alot as I have no need for this space.  My hold on moving is having a feel or a visual on a targeted community or area that I'm passionate about.  There are so many options simply because there are no grandchildren or children or family to move back to. No safe spaces.  My heart is in the city. An extreme from suburbia.  Non issue for now.  You were blessed with a safe space.  Your first Halloween with your grandson!  

This will be an adventure for me and I believe my heart and sole will know the place and the space.  When I feel it I know I will quickly zoom in on it.

This journey is hard.  I have visuals of where I don't want to be.  I have "visual seeds" already planted of where I might want to be.  I brought passion and adventure into our relationship which is even more deeply rooted, if that is even possible, because of Wayne. 

Interesting because I met with a friend to review my finances this morning simply to reinforce where I am in terms of renting a studio and maintaining the condo for a year.  If there was an opening in the place I'm interested in I would start this process. Only 3 studios available and they are rented out.  That's ok too.  When it is meant to happen it will but in the meantime I'm beginning to pave the path leading to a move.  Transitioning out of one space into another....slowly. 

It is suggested it is wise to wait before making decisions.  There is some truth to that yet our journeys are unique. Our relationships are unique therefore our grief is unique.

Sometimes we need to look back to move forward.  You will have your many triggers during this transition yet I'm feeling from your post that you made the best decision for you! Well processed and thought out.

This is so uplifting and thanks for the share!!!!  My best to you!  

 

[BetsyD]

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

Moving from owning to renting.  At 69 I'm moving into the direction of renting, 

I am 68 and I will be renting. This is weird for me since I have, both before and with Tom, been a homeowner for 45 years...it will be strange to think about not painting a room or not hanging brackets, but since he was my "honey-do" guy (he was a builder), it will be better for me for the moment. Also, since I have never lived in Arizona, and the kids may or may not stay there after my daughter graduates from ASU in May 2020, I didn't want the long term commitment. 

 

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

My heart is in the city.

I spent the first 40 years of my life in New York City, then we moved to near Poughkeepsie and then in 2001 to Sarasota, a smaller city, but one with lots of traffic. I have been in rural America for just shy of 3 years. I like the quiet, but I hate the remoteness, so it will be interesting for me to be back near such a major and populated city as Phoenix...moving to the outskirts, so will not need the "city" on a daily basis - hoping this is a good compromise.

 

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

When it is meant to happen it will

I decided that since my house was sold so quickly it was, indeed, meant to happen. Now as I am packing, and as it is getting cooler, while I love fall weather, I know that I would have been way too isolated and it would have been way too hard for me to be here for the winter months...it does get cold and snowy here.

 

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

Well processed and thought out.

My Tom always told me that once I had made up my mind to pursue a project I was tenacious. I guess, seeing how I have this organized, he was right. It also helps me to know that this is what HE wanted me to do...so I truly feel this was not a decision I made alone, but with him. 

 

Thank you, @Sunflower2for your kind and supportive words...reading your post, I know you will definitely make the right decision at the right time for your own journey. Sending hugs to you as you move toward those decisions.

@KayCYou haven't heard the last of me <3 <3 

[KayC]

Good luck to both of you!  I envy you both in a way, I've lived alone here for 13 years, just me to make all the decisions and either do something or hire it done and of course foot the bill for all of it.  Maybe someday I will downsize too...I'm 66 and still shoveling snow.

[Sunflower2]

@BetsyD your feedback!!!!  Your journey uplifting again and empowering!  You reinforced too, as you step forward in action, that we can accomplish what we need to accomplish and that there are no guarantees. Renting is beginning to sound as just the option at this time in my life.  Tenacious yes!!! A strength I do have when I make a decision.  Small steps but the thought process and the steps needed are in place.  Slow movement yet I understand it is simply what it is.  Thank you!!!  

[BetsyD]

7 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

as you step forward in action, that we can accomplish what we need to accomplish and that there are no guarantees.

@Sunflower2I think part of what has empowered me is this: thirty years ago my father died suddenly at the same age as my Tom was...different cause, but sudden nonetheless. I watched my mother, who was my age at that time, freeze. She was always, I thought, a strong and independent woman...but suddenly, she was virtually non-functioning. We begged her, after a year, to start putting some of my dad's things away, to maybe get a dog, to volunteer, to do anything to regain a little bit of who she was. She refused. My father's pajamas stayed on his pillow, every piece of paper stayed in tact and, we begged her - we told her it wasn't fair to us as her daughters to leave everything for us to deal with, for us to have to deal with both parents' things, later on when she passed away. She didn't care.  So, you see, I swore to myself and I promised Tom, I would never do to my children what my mother had done to me and my sister. That is helping me get through the packing, the decisions, the action.

I know, however, that once I get to Arizona, once I actually see my kids and my grandson...I guarantee I will have a major meltdown. After all, that first Thanksgiving with my little grandson will also be my first without my Tom...not to mention the fact that he did all the Thanksgiving cooking. That first Christmas with my little grandson will be my first in over 40 years without my Tom, and he was the ultimate Santa. Just last Christmas I had surprised him with a cruise to Alaska for his 70th birthday this past July...I have the video, but the trip was not to be.

In the end, I know I will never be the same. I know I will never be "ok". But I have to stay strong, at least for this transition, for them, for my Tom and for myself. Then I can cry myself to sleep in my empty bed.

[KayC]

It will be bittersweet for sure, and emotional, but it sounds like you're making a good move.  I am very alone, no support except my church friends, but I've lived here over 41 years and I can't imagine moving to the city where I don't know anyone, I am a country girl at heart.  Plus I'm very involved here and I don't want to be a drain on my son, he has a family and a very busy life.  Someday, though, I may not have an option, depends on how long I live.  My mom got dementia and we had to move her to a dementia care facility for her last two years, she passed at 92, Lord I hope I don't live long enough to get that!

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, BetsyD said:

@Sunflower2I think part of what has empowered me is this: thirty years ago my father died suddenly at the same age as my Tom was...different cause, but sudden nonetheless. I watched my mother, who was my age at that time, freeze. She was always, I thought, a strong and independent woman...but suddenly, she was virtually non-functioning. We begged her, after a year, to start putting some of my dad's things away, to maybe get a dog, to volunteer, to do anything to regain a little bit of who she was. She refused. My father's pajamas stayed on his pillow, every piece of paper stayed in tact and, we begged her - we told her it wasn't fair to us as her daughters to leave everything for us to deal with, for us to have to deal with both parents' things, later on when she passed away. She didn't care.  So, you see, I swore to myself and I promised Tom, I would never do to my children what my mother had done to me and my sister. That is helping me get through the packing, the decisions, the action.

I know, however, that once I get to Arizona, once I actually see my kids and my grandson...I guarantee I will have a major meltdown. After all, that first Thanksgiving with my little grandson will also be my first without my Tom...not to mention the fact that he did all the Thanksgiving cooking. That first Christmas with my little grandson will be my first in over 40 years without my Tom, and he was the ultimate Santa. Just last Christmas I had surprised him with a cruise to Alaska for his 70th birthday this past July...I have the video, but the trip was not to be.

In the end, I know I will never be the same. I know I will never be "ok". But I have to stay strong, at least for this transition, for them, for my Tom and for myself. Then I can cry myself to sleep in my empty bed.

You seriously have this even in your pain!  You are very astute and aware of all possible outcomes even the expected meltdowns which will happen here or there or anywhere. Right?  We can't escape that as its part of the process.

You learned everything not to do with what you experienced with your mom.  It was difficult but you didn't repeat the behavior.  

My mom was amazing in how she handled it.  Her strength that surfaced in her deep sadness.  It took her 5 years to sleep in their bed but in the meantime she was making progress in her steps forward. I didn't understand the extent of grief being so complex.  I was aware of my sadness but never aware of the  excruciating pain she was experiencing with the loss of her partner, my dad.  I think of her as I move through this.  She transitioned just 3 months ago so her loss set me back some but I'm still climbing, grasping and moving even in sadness. 

continue to share as you can.  We all know with darkness there is lightness.  

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, BetsyD said:

2 hours ago, BetsyD said:

In the end, I know I will never be the same. I know I will never be "ok". But I have to stay strong, at least for this transition, for them, for my Tom and for myself. Then I can cry myself to sleep in my empty bed.

 

Yes.  It will be different yet we will experience joy and love and happiness and tranquility again just so so very differently.

[ModKatB]

I moved 1 month after my husband passed away. We had our place up for sale before he got sick, so I continued with the sale. My daughter told me to come stay with her and her family. I am now looking for my own place but it has been good for me to have family to lean on. It is never easy making the changes but sometimes,it is necessary. Good luck to those folks that are moving.

 

[KalB]

On 10/10/2018 at 4:16 PM, BetsyD said:

So, I haven't been here in a while, because I took a major step and put my house on the market. Within two days I had had four showings and two offers and I will be leaving Tennessee on October 27 to move to Litchfield Park, AZ (suburb of Phoenix) to a house in the same development as my children and my little grandson. The movers will be packing me up six months to the day after my beloved husband Tom died. This has been a very hard decision, of course, but I am all alone here in this house (other than my pups and cats) and have no family and very VERY few friends here in this little town. Tom wanted me to leave...I don't belong here. Politically, intellectually, educationally, spiritually...this is not the right place for me. 

Packing has been arduous to say the least. The idea of leaving this place, a house he worked on so hard to make it just right for us, the place where we together built a barn for our now rehomed horse, is sad...but not because of the house, certainly not because of the town, but because of how much he put into it. But I have to take that spirit and love with me. I have stopped looking at every picture and memento as I pack. It is too hard. I decided to pack boxes of pictures and the kids and I will look through them together. It is too much for me to do alone. I stop and stare and weep and wonder. Why did we even come to this place? Why did we leave Sarasota where at least had this happened to him I would have had so many of my friends around me? But the whys are useless.  We did move. We did leave. And now I have to do it again in order to be with my children. At least I will be with my little grandson for his first Halloween, first Thanksgiving and first Christmas...my first of everything without my Tom. I have to be sure that little boy knows all about his beloved grandpa and how much he loved him for his brief time with him.

It hit me very hard today...I had to address the "marital status" question for the first time. I shook. I don't want to say widowed, since I will always be married to Tom. I know I have to acknowledge my status for legal reasons. But it seems like such an ugly word to me. I don't know why. 

Anyway - I thought I would just say hi to everyone and to tell you I am still here in spirit. But packing up three stories and five acres, five pets and all my memories all by myself, has taken up a lot of time and energy and I pass out at night from sheer exhaustion and depression.

You all continue to be in my heart.

Hi Betsy!  Oh my goodness . . . you could almost be my "twin!"  My husband died on April 21st of this year - motorcycle accident.  Two years ago we moved almost all of our belongings to Belize (yes, out of the country!) and then earlier this year he was in the accident.  What a nightmare, for so many reasons.  We had found our house in Belize in 2010 and my husband, like yours, spent a TREMENDOUS amount of time, effort, love and passion remodeling our beautiful home on 10 acres in the Belizean jungle.  We were almost finished and then our plans were to rent out a couple of the guest rooms and offer a true luxury "jungle experience."  It was our dream.  Since he died, I (like you) had to pack up all of our things (except the large pieces of furniture) so they could be shipped BACK to the States.  I couldn't deal with it all.  I just threw all of my husband's things into suitcases and boxes and have decided to look at them later, when I can handle it.  I have to sell my husband's beautiful boats and his trucks and of course, our beautiful home (huge - 7000 square feet) and our 10 acres of orchids, palm trees, tropical flowers, etc.  It's heartbreaking, to say the least - we hadn't even been down there full-time for two years yet!!  Like you I asked myself, "Why did we even bother going through all of this?!"  "Why did I move so far away from my family, only to have my husband die on me and now I have to handle EVERYTHING by myself?!  UGH!  I can't stay there alone in the jungle - it's not prudent for a "gringo" woman in a third-world country - so after the probate finishes I'll complete the moving process and start my life over in the States.

I understand completely the exhaustion and energy you've been experiencing.  I lost a lot of weight after my husband died and grief, itself, utilizes a TON of energy!  Right now I'm living with my niece temporarily until I can figure out how much money will be available for me to find a new house.  All of my things are in boxes and bags and I still have my husband's storage unit in the States to go through!  Oh, and the best part:  I have our two Rottweilers to take care of now!  I didn't even want large dogs but my husband always had Rottweilers so now I have these two small "ponies!' (but they are my "babies" and I love them to death).  Try finding a place to rent that will accept two Rottweilers - impossible where I'm at! 

Betsy, my heart goes out to you.  I'm happy for you that you will be around your family - a good support system will help you through this (even though you have to move again - yuck!).  I don't like the term "widow," either, so I'm just going to say I'm "single" for now.  I just can't use "widow."

I pray you take whatever time you need to rest and take care of yourself through this.  My prayers are with you.

[BetsyD]

20 hours ago, KalB said:

Two years ago we moved almost all of our belongings to Belize

We were in Belize three and a half years ago and absolutely loved it! We wanted to return...but...Our dream had always been to move to Bonaire where we had spent many weeks over the years scuba diving and enjoying the laid back life. That was not to be...But I get it!.

 

20 hours ago, KalB said:

I didn't even want large dogs but my husband always had Rottweilers so now I have these two small "ponies!' (but they are my "babies" and I love them to death).  Try finding a place to rent that will accept two Rottweilers - impossible where I'm at! 

I don't know where you are, but you might try Progress Residential if they have houses there - they have rentals that take a lot more dogs than other companies. They are letting me bring FIVE pets to the new house. I know Rotties are different, but you never know. And yes, they are our "babies" - I always had small dogs, but when I met Tom he had an Alaskan Malamute and from then on out bigger dogs seemed to find their way into my heart and homes. So if I hadn't been able to find a place to take them, I would have had to stay here in Tennessee...NOT where I want to be.

 

20 hours ago, KalB said:

I don't like the term "widow," either, so I'm just going to say I'm "single" for now. 

I will only use the term when it is legally necessary. Otherwise, I will always be married to my Tom. 

 

20 hours ago, KalB said:

My husband died on April 21st of this year - motorcycle accident.

I am so so sorry.  I have to think of my Tom's death as an accident like that - it was too sudden a diagnosis, and it is as if he WAS hit by a car or went off the road in his Honda Shadow...I pray for you that your husband didn't suffer...I am blessed that my Tom didn't. Better for them even though harder for us.

Stay strong, @KalB, my "twin"...I don't know where you are located, but I am headed to Phoenix. Sending love.

 

[KalB]

Hi Betsy!  My apologies for the delayed response - I just returned from a sisters' trip.  Thank you so much for your thoughts, encouragement and advice.  I'll look into Progress Residential (I'm in Colorado).  I'm exploring my options for remaining in Colorado until my mother passes (she's 94 but going strong!) OR moving to the Phoenix area myself.  I'm drawn to the Sedona area but I don't think I can afford it there!  Everyone says not to make any major life decisions until at least one year but I don't really feel I have that option.  I can't continue living with my niece because her house is too small for her family plus me plus my dogs.  I'm just putting my intentions out there to the Universe that the right house will reveal itself at the right time in the right way for the right price!  It will be exciting to see what and where that will be!

I don't believe my husband suffered in the accident because he had broken his neck and had extensive internal bleeding.  I was told he was brain dead, in which case he didn't feel a thing.  He didn't even know what had happened.  The day of his accident still haunts me but I'm beginning trauma therapy with my counselor in another week.  All that PTSD is just ruminating in my body and I have to release it.

Will continue to stay in touch.  Wishing you many blessings on your journey:)