Lost Dad 2 years ago - still hurts

[Bravo8whiskey]

Hi everyone.  I'm new here.  Not good at asking for help but this won't go away.  I'm 40 years old now.  Just lost my dad 2 years ago to a glioblastoma in his temporal lobe.  By the time it was discovered it was already stage 4.  He managed to last 11 months after diagnosis, which I hear is in the average expectancy range.  It was the most excruciating 11 months of his life and ours (my brother and I).

A little backstory......  less than a year prior to his diagnosis my dad officially retired, was recently separated from a lousy marriage, starting doing pilates, and was absolutely glowing with a lust for life.  It was amazing seeing him so happy and full of energy.  Then the diagnosis.  That was a dark 11 months from diagnosis to his departure from this world.

I got to watch him pass.  I wish I had not witnessed that.  It's an image that is burned into my mind like a nightmare that just won't go away.  Sometimes when I close my eyes the image appears out of nowhere.

Fast forward 2 years and it all still haunts me.  I still cry at random times throughout the day.  I welcome the memories and the thoughts of him, but it always makes me sad.  I was dealing with depression before all of this happened and this has just pushed me further into that dark hole.

To combat this I decided to start seriously training with heavy weights just about a year ago.  I use this as my outlet.  Sometimes, like this morning, if I push myself particularly hard in the gym, I break down and start sobbing, thinking about how proud he would be to see me getting my s**t together and the amazing progress I've made through my perseverance and dedication.  That's all I ever really wanted out of him was to know he was proud of what I've accomplished in life, with my career, family, etc.  I was never able to get him to say it though.

I heard in a roundabout way through one of his caregivers before he passed that he confessed to them that he was extremely proud of me and my brother both for what we've accomplished in our lives.  I'm sure this is due to the way he was raised and the way he learned to be from his father.  I don't blame him.

I use this as motivation to continue my pursuits in the gym, and in life, and push myself harder every day, knowing that somehow he's watching me and glowing with pride.  I also use this as a lesson for me on how to speak with my own children.  Thinking about my young son and that some day I will leave this earth and him behind, I don't want to make the same mistake.

Even now, I am still seeking his approval and I feel like I will never be validated since he was taken from this world in such a cruel way.

I'm not sure what I think I'm going to gain by spilling my guts in an online forum.  I guess I'm just hoping that someone will tell me that the hurting will eventually stop.  I miss him so much and I feel so lost, even as an adult with a successful career and a family.

Thanks for taking the time to read and allowing me to vent.

[reader]

Dear Bravo8whiskey,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. You are so right. Life is unfair and I badly wish we could all have our parents for a lot longer.

Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. They say that grief is the price we pay for love. And because our love for our parents was so deep, it hits us hard to think we are on this earth without them.

Your story resonates with me because I too want so much to still make my dad proud. And to have more time with him.

I think everything you are expressing is a normal part of your grief journey. I remember talking to one counselor it could take up to 5 years or even 10 years to come to terms with my grief. All we can do is keep taking it moment by moment. And keep carrying on the best we can. I don't think the pain ever goes away but it does evolve. Its been two years for me and I still think why did my dad have to go? I hope to one day to be more accepting but I don't know when that will be.

Take care of yourself.  We are all here with you.