and overwhelming grief hits

[Sunflower2]

in Michigan and the rain is like I've not experienced in awhile. If it was snow we'd be having an official snow alert!

powerful grief waves during the night and so far most of the morning,  Interesting how I would have for sure expected this from what I've read and heard that this is what can be expected on an anniversary. 

The night I could feel the tremendous weight of both of my recent losses. it feels like Wayne and my my mom partnered up on this one.  The grief for my mom is different.

this morning the grief wails from the gut hit every inch of my body and soul. My heart ached deeply with.  The tears and sobs were endless.  engaged in an actual conversation with Wayne expressing how lost I was in this moment.  How devastated I was at this moment.  How uncertain I felt at this moment. How I can't imagine life without him at this moment.  I asked him "can you see how sad I am?"   "Can you feel how much pain I am in?"  "Are you with me?"  "Can you feel me?"  Then I talked about a move back to the city.  The signal "too soon."

The rain it is so heavy. I sat in the garage because it felt where I needn't to be. I actually stood in the rain in bare feet and let it hit my face. Temperatures 51 degrees which are freezing temps to me regardless.

What I felt regardless of "definitions of heaven."

I feel our loved ones can have some sad days in heaven when they initially arrive.  My mom was so ready to depart.   Wayne was a sudden departure.  So like us on earth they are adjusting to their newness.

Today for me the heavy rains are tears from heaven!  Wayne is ok and he will be fine just as I will be in time.  Different but fine.  I believe the rain drops are his tears matched with mine.  Letting me know he is sad too and he misses me dearly.... as I miss him yet at the same time he is letting me know I  will be ok.  I will survive this darkness just as he will.

Today is my day for my Monday routine of yoga to be set aside. Today I will attempt a nurturing self care day.  Today will unfold however it will unfold. I'm starting this moment with a healthy breakfast and a lavender soak. that's the most I can do at this moment.   yes I'm still sobbing. There is a stillness moving in. A calm that I'm beginning to feel. xo

The rain just stopped. 

 

 

 

[Michelene]

"engaged in an actual conversation with Wayne expressing how lost I was in this moment.  How devastated I was at this moment.  How uncertain I felt at this moment. How I can't imagine life without him at this moment.  I asked him "can you see how sad I am?"   "Can you feel how much pain I am in?"  "Are you with me?"  "Can you feel me?" "

 

I do this too--the actual conversations--can you see me? can you see my sadness? 

This video "The Island of Grief" actually helped me visualize what I feel my husband sees--the bird's eye view. Somehow it helped--that someone saw my grief. 

 

 

[KayC]

Sunflower,

The cold rains may be adding to your feelings right now.  I'm sorry you're getting hit so hard.  Know we are feeling for you and sitting alongside you.  I hope you're not in danger of flooding too?  We had 90s last week, this week it's low 40s to low 60s.  I guess it'll be time to build a fire soon.

Michelene,

Thank you for sharing that video.  That's what I love about this place, that we can all share what we learn or find.

[Noah]

I know it may not be the entirely correct thing to say, but I feel you. There are many instances where somedays just seem to hit you in the center of the heart. Why, just this week I was walking along a path where the leaves were changing color and falling beside me, I had just gotten out of college classes and there was a nice energy in the air, and I was so light-hearted and happy. I thought, I can't wait to talk to MIla when I get back! 

Then, reality just hit me in the f-ing face. I stopped dead... and looked down at the sidewalk. And I thought... Oh yeah... right, she's... she's not here. That one little instance messed me up all day that day. Because, for once during the days after her passing, I felt... I felt that familiar feeling of light- hearted affection for her and, I'm being solely honest, when I say I actually FORGOT she was gone that day; untli reality came back into play. 

There will be many more days down the road like yours, like mine, and just days that throw you completely off... in fact, today was another day that threw me off just now. 

I was talking with my sister, and she told me that she would like to find someone, since she's getting a bit into her mid twenties, she's ready for a relationship... and here I am telling her, you'll know when it's the right person... Like I KNEW what love felt like... that's what I thank Mila the most for... she was the first person to give me true love; and I will never forget that, even though I can't get her affection any longer... but just that reminder, of how much I loved her; just really punches your heart. 

So with you having such powerfu greif, while I don't know entirely what your grief must feel like, I am here to tell you that I feel for you. That I get how hard these days are... my days, or KayC's days, or any other peron's greiving sort of day are all different... but we get that it happens. You have my condolences on how hard you've really been having it, but we're all with you on this journey. Take it nice and steady bud.

Hope I didn't blab too much...

[KayC]

Noah,

I remember those early times when I actually forgot for a moment, and how hard it comes slapping back!  I'm glad I don't go through such jarring moments anymore, it's been so long now there's no mistaking he's gone, but the missing him can still hit...and does.

We loved this time of year, it's my birthday Sunday, George always loved making a big deal of it...and we were married on October 19th, we would likely be going to the coast to celebrate.  This time of year we'd go for a drive out in the woods and pick colorful leaves, then come home and make them into an arrangement.  We framed some one year, I still have that.  I haven't gone out into the woods to pick leaves since...it was something I did with him.  But I snapped a picture of our vine Maple this morning, it's 30-40' across, it's so thick and big, it astounds me!  It's the first one in this area, so I think of it as the Mama Vine Maple and all of the others as it's offspring.  George would have loved it.

[LeannC45]

14 minutes ago, KayC said:

Noah,

I remember those early times when I actually forgot for a moment, and how hard it comes slapping back!  I'm glad I don't go through such jarring moments anymore, it's been so long now there's no mistaking he's gone, but the missing him can still hit...and does.

We loved this time of year, it's my birthday Sunday, George always loved making a big deal of it...and we were married on October 19th, we would likely be going to the coast to celebrate.  This time of year we'd go for a drive out in the woods and pick colorful leaves, then come home and make them into an arrangement.  We framed some one year, I still have that.  I haven't gone out into the woods to pick leaves since...it was something I did with him.  But I snapped a picture of our vine Maple this morning, it's 30-40' across, it's so thick and big, it astounds me!  It's the first one in this area, so I think of it as the Mama Vine Maple and all of the others as it's offspring.  George would have loved it.

KayC, how beautiful and peaceful those trees look. I love nature, I live in California so everything looks thirsty. LOL....My favorite time of year has always been Spring and Fall when everything is transitioning and starting anew. Thanks for sharing the pic.