HOW

[sarahshapiro11375]

How do you pick up the pieces? 

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, sarahshapiro11375 said:

How do you pick up the pieces? 

one tiny tiny baby step at a time. xo

[KayC]

I wrote this article based on what has helped me in my grief journey, and I hope even one thing will help you...the top two I think were taking one day at a time and focusing on what is good rather than merely looking back at what I lost.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Michelene]

On 9/25/2018 at 4:31 AM, sarahshapiro11375 said:

How do you pick up the pieces? 

Sometimes it's not even how, but just "why." Why pick up the pieces? Other days, it's the how. 

[LeannC45]

31 minutes ago, Michelene said:

Sometimes it's not even how, but just "why." Why pick up the pieces? Other days, it's the how. 

I am at almost 9 months and I still find myself asking "what the point is?" Before I met my husband I didn't necessarily know which direction I was headed but it didn't seem to matter. I was just living my life and welcoming the experiences that came my way. I feel stripped of my carefree self, I am changed and walk with a sadness that gets in the way. I just noticed the other day in the car that I am able to listen to a little music, not for too long, but a couple songs. I love music. What I noticed though is that maybe the movement that comes with music is gone. Instead of swaying along with the song I listen for a little bit and then when too much emotion is stirred I change it to talk radio. I hope to someday get the movement back that listening to music brings and then I'll know things are feeling just a little bit lighter. I wish you strength on your journey.

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

What I noticed though is that maybe the movement that comes with music is gone. Instead of swaying along with the song I listen for a little bit and then when too much emotion is stirred I change it to talk radio.

I can just recently handle a moment of a song.  I too loved music and the movement.  Songs are still too hard! In time I know I will be able to listen in a different way and I'm sure with sadness and an empty feeling and memories.  I don't even have the radio on anymore.  for now..... 

[Michelene]

On 9/26/2018 at 12:52 PM, LeannC45 said:

I am at almost 9 months and I still find myself asking "what the point is?" Before I met my husband I didn't necessarily know which direction I was headed but it didn't seem to matter. I was just living my life and welcoming the experiences that came my way. I feel stripped of my carefree self, I am changed and walk with a sadness that gets in the way. I just noticed the other day in the car that I am able to listen to a little music, not for too long, but a couple songs. I love music. What I noticed though is that maybe the movement that comes with music is gone. Instead of swaying along with the song I listen for a little bit and then when too much emotion is stirred I change it to talk radio. I hope to someday get the movement back that listening to music brings and then I'll know things are feeling just a little bit lighter. I wish you strength on your journey.

Yes, I tell myself I was single before I met my husband and just did things with carefree acceptance. Now, I feel as if a good portion of my "self" is missing, I feel like a puppet at times, not fully participating in things. As for music, I play the radio occasionally, and tell myself that it is my husband speaking to me through song...once after I'd been upset for a while that I hadn't had these contacts, or visitations, or lucid dreams like everyone else seems to have after a loss,  I turned on the radio and the song "I don't know my name" came on. Some of the lyrics are 

I am lost trying to get found
In an ocean of people
Please don't ask me any questions
There'll be a valid answer
Oh I'll just say

That I don't know my name
I don't play by the rules of the game
So you say I'm just trying
Just trying

 

So I told myself, well, he is trying to find his way on the other side just as I am trying here. Anyway, that's where I am at, with the music. At work I'm all work-like and after work I'm thinking this kind of stuff. It's like being schizophrenic. 

[ModKatB]

1 hour ago, Michelene said:

Yes, I tell myself I was single before I met my husband and just did things with carefree acceptance. Now, I feel as if a good portion of my "self" is missing, I feel like a puppet at times, not fully participating in things.

I was married to my husband for 21 years and for the last 9 years we were together almost 24/7. When he retired in 2009 we moved to Florida we were together all the time and were happy to have the time together. Now I don't have that and yes it does feel like part of me is gone. It is hard for others to understand the pain that goes with losing your spouse, your other half, when they have not been down this road themselves. The journey is long and hard and all we can do is take it moment by moment. Each of us has to find our way but I hope that soon you will find some peace and possibly a reason to smile again.

[KayC]

The singlehood we had before meeting them is vastly different than it is now.  Before we may have been content with our lives as it was, but after having had them in our lives, the loss is a stark reality!  We have to learn to be ourselves and do our lives in a whole new way, incorporating what we gleaned from them, and figuring out how to go from here.

On 9/26/2018 at 1:10 PM, Michelene said:

Why pick up the pieces?

To make our lives more than a mere existence, to do the rest of our lives in a meaningful way and possibly even find some enjoyment along the way.  That's the "why".  I know it's hard to see that's possible now, but as we put in the effort, eventually it'll come.