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More on envy - a different perspective


BetsyD

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A wealthy friend of mine, who lost her husband 4 years ago (he was 88, 25 years her senior) just returned from a 2 week safari to Africa and just told me, with excitement, that she is fulfilling a bucket list item and is going to Peru and the Galapagos Islands for New Years.  Needless to say, since my Tom loved nature and diving and all things related, this would have been a dream vacation for him, and one he always wanted to go on. My response was cold, I guess. But I just kept thinking about it and I decided my response was OK. Then I wrote this:

An unexpected, but predictable, facet of grief is envy. Although you are, on the surface, happy for your friends’ family events, travels, successes and news, deep down there is a sense of “why them and not me?” that is unavoidable regardless of how guilty you feel. You try to put on an “I’m so happy for you” face, you try to sound enthusiastic…and yet, you are so miserable inside that sometimes you just wish you could hide, become a hermit, disconnect and fade away into your own solitude. Interestingly enough, you are open to, and even welcome, people’s hardships and troubles, you are always there with a shoulder to cry on or an ear into which your friends can vent. And you don’t bring your own grief or experience into those situations – they are just easier for you to handle, whether it is a broken heirloom, a broken-down car or a broken heart.  Those situations are diversions, relatable ones, I suppose, but diversions nonetheless. And after all, you ARE their friend and that is something you have not abandoned regardless of your own grief.

I have heard that some people who grieve actually DO disconnect – they remove themselves from social media, from attending events, from talking on the phone or from any kind of correspondence other than that which is absolutely necessary. Maybe this helps in the short term, but it is not reality. Life DOES go on out there. You have to remember how your life went on when a friend lost a loved one before your personal tragedy. You still traveled, posted pictures of your wedding anniversary, announced birthdays and other tidbits of news. Now the table has turned and, if you can, try to remember the flip side of the coin of life no matter how hard it might be. But your friends also have to be sensitive to your “envy”. Not to the point of not sharing news, but some almost inadvertently and without any malice at all, rub in their good fortune, their events as if to say “someday you will be back on track going places and doing things too”.  Maybe they think the diversion helps you. Maybe you will go places and do more things later on…maybe you won’t. That will be your decision as time moves on. In the interim, go ahead and cry if someone goes on a cruise you wanted to with your lost love, bemoan the next anniversary, the next dance, the next movie you would have shared and remember that there is no right way to deal with what you are experiencing…and hopefully anyone who is a good enough friend will get it. You aren’t ignoring them if you don’t “like” their post, smile at their pictures, send congratulations or ask for more details – you are ignoring the fact that their lives are moving forward while yours appears to be at a standstill. And be patient with yourself, don’t feel guilty… You are grieving. You are sad and yes, you are envious. It’s OK. You are human.

 

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19 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I have heard that some people who grieve actually DO disconnect – they remove themselves from social media, from attending events, from talking on the phone or from any kind of correspondence other than that which is absolutely necessary.

I reacted quite the opposite...unfortunately, all of our friends totally disappeared on me, two of my closest friends even before the funeral!  Some people don't handle "death" very well, preferring to avoid it as it reminds them of their own mortality and that they too could be facing this.

I remember frantically wanting to talk to someone, anyone!  I did not want to be a social butterfly, I wasn't able to handle parties or gaiety, but I did need people on a one-on-one basis.  FB wasn't an issue back then, this was over 13 years ago...I think MySpace was in existence but not so prevalent for folks of my age.

It seems what brings one person comfort can be quite the opposite for another, hence no "how to" book on how to do this...only that it has to be "our way".  

I'm sorry you felt the envy bug, it takes time to deal with your emotions, oh so much time!  Eventually most of us are able to be happy for others that haven't had the crap beat out of their lives, but not all are even able to make it past this.  I am thoroughly amazed how my sisters still don't "get it", that they don't stop to think how it'd be to go through life alone, without their husband.  Their husbands are all still there for them, if they go through surgery, they have someone to drive them to/from the doctor, PT, to take care of them, to bring them their dinner.  If something breaks down, they still have their husband there to fix it or at least oversee the workmen.  And for those added expenses that hit us, they have someone else's income to fall back on and share in the burden.  Not so with us!  We have to weather the storms alone and figure out how to handle everything...alone.

But I have noticed that it has done something with my confidence over the years.  And 1/2 of us in the world will face this at some point or another, and we are worlds ahead of them, having already weathered so much.  It will be us that comfort them, that encourage them in their time of need.

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On 9/13/2018 at 9:40 AM, KayC said:

if they go through surgery, they have someone to drive them to/from the doctor, PT, to take care of them, to bring them their dinner.  If something breaks down, they still have their husband there to fix it

Some of that is my biggest fear - and one of the reasons I want to move closer to my children, so if I do need something (and I know, for example, I will be needing cataract surgery - nothing major, but...still...) I won't be alone. That is also one of the reasons I have my cell phone on me all the time - a friend of mine lives alone and some months ago she fell going downstairs and stayed there for 10 hours with a broken hip because she didn't have her cell with her. Lesson learned the hard way. 

 

On 9/13/2018 at 9:40 AM, KayC said:

We have to weather the storms alone and figure out how to handle everything...alone.

I have been trying to figure out this 1700 mile move - selling my house, packing, finding a rental out in Arizona (which is 2x the price of what I pay here and I own my house) and then moving three dogs and two cats out there. Trying to make the right decisions, trying to do the best thing for my animals - this is the first time in 40 years I have had to do anything so major on my own, make such major decisions on my own, and it absolutely terrifies me.  But my Tom did teach me a lot of strength and I have to sit back and try to think of what he would suggest and then just do the best I can. I think that phrase is my new mantra - do the best I can. That's all any of us can do, right? 

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On ‎9‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 3:25 PM, BetsyD said:

 You aren’t ignoring them if you don’t “like” their post, smile at their pictures, send congratulations or ask for more details – you are ignoring the fact that their lives are moving forward while yours appears to be at a standstill. And be patient with yourself, don’t feel guilty… You are grieving. You are sad and yes, you are envious. It’s OK. You are human.

 

I think that it would be nice if more people could understand that we are a work in progress and it takes time to get thru all of the things that come with losing a loved one. We do have similar feelings and we have to work thru the same emotions but grief is not a one size fits all. I hope that you soon will be able to make the transition to your next home and be at peace with the choices you have to make.

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My cataracts aren't bad enough for surgery yet.  One good thing about it is the eyes heal very quickly.  I had a pea sized cyst removed from my eye last year and the next day my eye felt fine, I was amazed!  You basically just need someone to take you to/from surgery.  I pretty much just wanted to sleep it off the first day.

Try to give yourself the needed time to purge/clean/sell/move, you're going through a lot right now as it is.  It's a big decision to make...have you been at your present home long?  I have so many memories here, I'm on my 42nd year here.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I have so many memories here

I guess I am lucky. We moved here in February 2016. I have some wonderful memories of things we did here, such as the two of us building a barn from the ground up, building a new deck,  planting trees and veggies (and making some pretty amazing eggplant parmesan from homegrown eggplants!) and the like. But I am way luckier than some. I am not engulfed in the house where we raised our children or spent countless nights doing and planning. So as hard as it will be to leave, most of my memories are in my mind and in my photos and in my heart and not in my house.

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