Missing my mom more and it's been 2 years since she passed away

[tanyam]

Hi all,  about 4 years ago my mom had found out she has a rare form of Cancer-pseudomyxoma peritonei.  To say she went through a lot was an understatement.  Sadly there was also family drama with her husband which made this situation even worse.  Two years later my mom passed away.  It destroyed me and then a month later i was diagnosed with Breast Cancer(i was 39 at the time).  Thankfully it was caught early however I had to do surgery, chemo and radiation and lost my hair.  It was a very hard, upsetting time for me.  My mom is my best friend.  I would tell her everything and to not tell her this even though she was gone at the time feels dishonest to me.  I would say that my grieving was delayed as my life was quite busy especially since I am a single mother.  It's been two years after my mom has passed away and I struggle with happiness.  For example, for about 8 months I could not listen to music because it would make me happy and then instant guilt because I should be destroyed.  I can listen to music at times but there are moments where I turn it off because of that guilt.  It's work in progress.  I am starting to wondering if my grief is delayed or if I have complicated grief.  Some time's i think about my mom and get so upset it turns into a panic attack.  I do have meds for it but I try to stop doing what I am doing when I can feel it coming on.

I did speak with a grief counselor but I knew they couldnt give me what I wanted--my mom.  I never went back.  I tried to speak with my doctor who was also my mom's doctor.  She watched me cry and sob uncontrollably and then gave me a hug.  She suggested an anti-depressant but I try not to take meds and try to whether things out because I feel that I have to be able to deal with things and not rely on meds to get me through life.  I do believe that people who need meds should take them but I guess I dont include myself in that.

I find that my grieving is worse now.  I miss her so much.  When my daughter comes to me upset about my mom and tell's me 'its like im never going to speak to grandma again' destroys me.  I talk to my brother and sister and am so grateful we are all close.  Im apprehensive about talking to them because if their ok that day, I don't want to then set them off to where their upset.

I lived with mom until my daughter was 2 minus a few times for school.  We were best friends, fought, laughed and had a close bond with my daughter.  I feel lost without her.  Sometimes people give me the impression that i should 'get over' this.  I will never get over her, I just wonder if i will get to a place where I can think of her, look at her picture and not feel destroyed.

[A.W. Montgomery]

Please accept my condolences. My mother died December 2016 and there are days where I feel I haven't really allowed myself to grieve. There's no time limit to mourning, and there's nothing wrong with trying to seek happiness. One thing that helps me get through the bad days is knowing that one day I'll see her again. It says so in John 5:28, 29 that many of those who have died will live again. Revelation 21:4 says that one day death and pain will cease to exist. I hope that you can find comfort in these scriptures and please feel free to reach out if you want to talk more.

[mariesgirl1953]

my deepest condolences Tanyam, I am so so sorry you have and are going through this. I know exactly how you feel trust me - i do. i feel myself that i haven't "grieved" properly or at all. It will be three years next month (Oct) since my beautiful mam passed away and not a single day goes by that i don't think of her... i have also tried grief counseling but i found like you that id never helped me. i don't think i was ready. i now go to therapy and i find that has helped a lot but i still am not ready to talk about a lot of things. Feel free to message me any time you need to talk. take care honey, warm hugs and wishes -

Marie Xx

[reader]

Dear tanyam,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Losing a beloved parent is so hard. It takes a long time to come to terms with our loss.

Please don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. There is no fixed timeline.

Thinking of you.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Thinking of you. I relate to alot of what you’ve written. My mom was my EVERYTHING. My favorite person. All I want to do is talk about her. But feel like I have to put on a face for others. I have told them I don’t want to have to act like I’m not grieving and they tell me I don’t have to, but I can see how uncomfortable they are and so I do. I’m heartbroken too as are so many of us. My mom had cancer in her retro peritoneal area as well as her colon and liver. It was extremely complicated. No one understood at the time while we were going through it and some how they thiught that she woukd magically be fine. As I was continuously explaining the urgency if things. It took her in 3months. With alot of emergency surgeries, wounds, ng tubes and physical pain. I was her caregiver. I thank god for such a sweet, beautiful, giving, kind, mother. I’m having a hard time dealing with what she had to go through. I’m sorry for your hurt, loss, grief and the ache you feel when your daughter misses your mom. It is heartbreaking. What a strong individual you are to have gone through your own cancer and loss. Your delayed grief and complicated grief makes sense. I   am seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for mine who also specializes in trauma and ptsd therapy. Sometimes it takes trying out different therapists until you get the right fit. Saying prayers for you and sending love your way.

Nicole

[tanyam]

Thank you all for your kind words.  It's nice to feel like you can discuss this with people who are not going to be upset, its a community of people going through a loss and trying to get through it.

Sadly my boyfriends dad passed away the day before my mom's 1st year since she passed.  We unfortunately know how the other is feeling to some extent and we work together so we have each other but I try as hard as I can to be strong because I dont want to set him off.  I sit at my desk and tears fill my eyes (no one can see because I wear hat from the hair loss of chemo) and try to bring myself to a calm place otherwise I know it's heading to a panic attack.

Life can be so hard and it's these times that I would turn to my mother and she may have been able to help whatever problem I was going through or helped to put it into perspective where I didn't feel stressed.  My daughter has a school BBQ every year and my mom would come.  I haven't been back since.  Holidays and birthdays are always hard because she is not there--I celebrate for my daughter because it's not fair to destroy that for her and my mom would not want that.  They had an incredible bond!  A few weeks before my mom passed away when I would go and visit i would always strive to spend time with her and not breakdown (Im crying at work as I write this) and I told her I couldn't do this without her, meaning raise my daughter--because i had plans for us.  We were in the process of moving in together, she would watch my daughter graduate..etc...and she said to me...you have to ...for her.  I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't have a visit without breaking down...but my mom was/is my everything.

When the time was getting near and the doctor told us.  They were about to give my mom medication, ultimately it would make her sleep and not feel the pain.  The night before they gave it to her, she was very frail--didn't move at all.  I leaned in to give her a kiss and went to bring my body back up to walk out and she took her hand and pulled mine down (to bring me back down to her) and took everything in her power to move her body to the side to give me a hug.  I believe at that point she knew and 3 days later she passed away.  Those memories ...of what she went through with her cancer, the pain, how it took her down are always like fresh wounds.  Now her husband has found someone and has been introducing her to people that my mom would know where it would get back to us.  Truthfully I didnt believe it would bother me because i am not a fan of his to say the least, but it's that his explanation to people is well she's been gone almost 2 years.  How do you replace someone you  have been with for 25 years that quickly?  I guess none of my business but to me it dishonours her memory that he was able to move on so quickly like she was nothing.  

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change'