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My Mom is in the process of dying...


LBAugust2018

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LBAugust2018

I have never leveraged an online support group before so I am filled with anxiety, but needed to find someone to talk to who is a neutral party who will not judge me or compare my grief with that of their own.  B has been battling Ovarian ancer for the past 2 years and her recent diagnosis was changed to terminal.  While B is not my biological mom, she is my mother-in-law - we became mother/daughter 27 years ago when I fell in love with her son.  Having her as my "mom" changed my life in so many wonderful ways.  She has been my guardian angel on earth and loosing her is tearing me up inside.  She lives in another state so I quit a job (I hated) and have been traveling quite a bit.  We have had several moments alone where I have been able to thank her for being such an incredible presence in my life.  We have been able to say goodbye and to acknowledge that soon she will be in heaven.  I am home right now, as my husband is traveling to spend time with mom this week.  But my heart is breaking and I feel so lost and alone.  I have tried leaning on friends with no luck.  They are trying to be supportive, but compare my grief to their prior life experiences and yet our situations are so unique.  So this week, I have shutdown completely.  I am avoiding seeing friends or talking to anyone other then my husband, my sis in law, and my biological mom.  

I appreciate being able to share this with all of you.  I am open to any advice others have.  I should probably also note that I suffer from PMDD (premenstral disphoric disorder) and I take Prozac during what I call my hell week to help me try to remain calm.  This is my hell week, so I could really use some words of wisdom or advice.

with all my gratitude...  LB

 

 

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Nicole-my grief journey

Dear LB, 

You have come to the right place. Thank you for your realness and honesty about how you feel. I lost my mom on July 18th. She was my everything. I know from both of my Sister In Laws talking about how my mom was a mother to them and changed their lives, taught them how to live and love for the better, was more of a mom to them than their own mothers; that they are as broken as me about it. You have every right to feel what you’re feeling and I’m sending a virtual hug to you and want to let you know I share in your sadness, I also suffer from PMDD and it is a whole other level of heightened emotions, depression and altered state when it’s going on. Sometimes we need to vent, be angry, sometimes we need positivity, somtimes we need someone to pick us up off the floor and a lot of the time, need people to just listen and not try and make suggestions to fix things. 

I’ve been isolating, except for on this forum, because everyone did that to me too with comparing their different losses to my own. I understand they meant well and mean well, but I’m not in an emotional place where I can listen to it and be my normal caring, supportive of others type of space (when it comes to them comparing their loss that’s completely different than mine). Their losses are meaningful and important, but when your in what you’re going through, it’s frustrating to hear them do that. The other thing people do is break down in front of me about my mom and then I’m standing there with my feelings stuck inside, trying not to scream “I’m im pain! It was my mother and now she’s gone and I’m standing here holding you and comforting you!”. “She was world, my favorite person.” That sounds awful to say, but it’s how I feel because I’m grieving and that’s ok for me to be this way at the moment. I’m happy my mother was loved and know in time I’ll look back and be glad that they shared their grief over her and experiences with her...but right now I need support. I need the hugs, the listeners. Not the guilt of trying to make it okay for them when I don’t have it in me. I’m not outwardly mean to them, I do the best I can to be polite and then work through my feelings after. One thing that’s working a little for me is that I now, have been straight up saying, I care about your feelings, but I just can’t talk about or hear certain things because I’m hurting and devastated. Some people get it and stop, the others who don’t...I excuse myself from the conversation. It’s like being in a pressure cooker.

I hope you’ll keep sharing. It helps you and others on here. I share my downs, slight ups and in betweens. And random thoughts and feelings.

hugs,

Nicole

 

 

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