Loss of my son Joey

[g20kin]

Hi, I am new to this site and not sure where to start. I recently lost my son Joey on 10/23/10 in an accident, he was 23. It seems like all I do is cry all day because everything seems to remind me of something he would say or do. Itts hard to know how to move on without him. I have a younger son Matt that I am trying very hard to stay strong for. I would appreciate any advice on helping the surving sibling. We have already inquired into counseling at our local church as well. thank you for listening.

[ModKonnie]

Hi, I am new to this site and not sure where to start. I recently lost my son Joey on 10/23/10 in an accident, he was 23. It seems like all I do is cry all day because everything seems to remind me of something he would say or do. Itts hard to know how to move on without him. I have a younger son Matt that I am trying very hard to stay strong for. I would appreciate any advice on helping the surving sibling. We have already inquired into counseling at our local church as well. thank you for listening.

H Joeyandmattsmom,

Welcome to our forums. I want to say I am very sorry for the loss of Joey. My brother died when I was 14 years old, so I am a surviving sibling. It was very tough on the rest of us because Dad went to pieces and mom tried very hard to hold things together for the rest of us. One of the things that really bothered all of us was that we couldn't mention my brother Dennis' name around my Dad or he became visibly shaken and cried--no matter how much time had passed. All of the pictures of him were taken down and hidden away, and we never mentioned his name in family talks again. That was tough because we all NEEDED to talk about him and what happened (He died in an auto accident two days before Christmas 32 years ago).

So, if I could say anything to you, please try to keep the communication line open and let your son talk about his brother and remember and cry and be angry and question. It may help him get through this, especially if they were close.

Thank you for coming here, and please come back. You will find support and encouragement and sound advice from other parents who have lost their precious children.

ModKonnie

[By Moonlight]

Hello Joeyandmattsmom,

I feel so sorry for your loss. I did not lose a child but I think I understand your loss and concern.

I was a 15 year old with two siblings who lost our mother suddenly many years ago. I had to be strong and pull the family together, to console our father and deal with his anger, and most perplexing was trying to deal with my own loss and help my younger brother who was 10 at the time. He was always shy, but now he could not talk, he could not cry, he could not laugh. He just sort of went blank. I tried to get close to him and seemed to just push him further away. I felt guilty for having been a selfish, self centered teen who could not talk to my brother. I felt badly for not being able to get through to him. Then some 7 months later, all of that emotion, that pain, the anger, the tears came out in a torrent. He allowed that emotion to last just a couple of days and went blank again. To this day, some 30 years later, he has never allowed anyone to get close to him.

I have always wished I had been more mature, better equipped to help him. I wish I had tried harder to get beyond my own grief in order to help him. You are the mom and I know you will do a better job than I did. I guess I need to say that I really wish I had let go of my own "strength" a little bit. I wish I had allowed him to see me cry. I wish we could have come together, both in our own grief but together. I am guessing that you will succeed in bringing out Matt's fear and pain even if it means not always appearing to be strong. I think you will embrace him and will allow him to feel your own pain.

I wish you both a full and complete sense of growth from your loss - something you can share for the rest of your lives.

Linden

[kmb22]

Hi Judi (JoeyandMattsMom)

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your son Joey and sorry to welcome you to a place none of us ever wanted to be. I just recently lost my son Shawn, in an accident as well. He was a month away from his 26th birthday and had only been married 9 months. Tomorrow should be their one year anniversay.

One suggestion I have would be to join us in the Loss of an Adult Child topic of the Loss of a Child forum. It's the most active post and full of kind, wonderful people, who are always there to listen and share their experiences. Many post daily and each has helped hold me up in these times when I even forget how to breath. Though some come to the main forums at times most have their favorites set to go directly to that section of the forum and often miss these posts. I'm certain you'll receive better response there.

I also have a younger son. He's 22 and is all over the place with his emotions. I've learned he can't be pushed, in any way. I've had to learn to keep a close eye from a distance. I wish I could offer some sage words of advice to help with Matt, I'm afraid this is one more thing on the list of things I no longer thiink I have the answer to. Please keep coming back and sharing your son with us.

[westleysmom]

Judi-I'm so sorry for your loss. Shawn's Mom is right, please come to Loss of Adult Child thread to post. I found it in June and the friends I've made there have been lifesavers. My son Westley died in January on the 13th and would have been 21 on the 19th of that month. I still cry nearly every day, some days its all I feel like I do. I don't expect we will ever "recover" from our losses, but I hope in time to be able to get through a day without a meltdown. Until then, I come here and talk to those who travel this lonely road as we do, and it helps. My daughter is the elder of my children, and already married and has a child, so I can't help you with your younger son too much. But there are many on the other thread that have dealt with that and would be glad to help with advice. The best thing is knowing that there is someone there to listen to you when you cry and rant and are so sad. Some people in your life may be overwhelmed by your sadness, but everyone here understands. I hope you feel able to come back and post and tell us about both your boys. Peace to you friend, and strength for the day

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear JoeyandMattsMom, My name is Claudia, and I am known here at BI as 4EverJoeysMom. I lost my Joey on July 31, 2006. He was 23 years old, and would have turned 24 seven days later, but that was not meant to be. I also have one surviving son, born when Joey was 12 months and 3 days old--so they were not best friends (very different personalities), but they were bonded as brothers, and that loss was really hard for him. The usual things are what he thinks about--his brother not here to be his Best Man, Uncle to his children, no cousins for his children to play with, and so on. We did make it through his wedding last year, and it went well. Three years time then offered some healing, and another year has passed, and more healing still. But it has been a terribly difficult road to travel. I hope you find much compassion and encouragement here at BI. I still come in from time to time, but have taken a break for a while from routine posting. It's a bit of a needed mental health break for me, because I was finding it very difficult to relive everything over and over again in order to familiarize and relate to the very large influx of newcomers to the Loss of Child threads over the past several months. I don;t know any of the new folks at all. I hope to be able to come back more often in time. But for now, I am finding a bit more peace in the hiatus.

I wanted to share this--a letter I wrote to my surviving son four montsh after Joey passed away. My heart broke for my surviving son, Patrick, because his focus at the time of the loss was on how difficult this all was for me and his dad. Patrick internalizes his pain, and so I wanted to be sure that his feelings and needs were addressed as being every bit as important as mine. There are a couple of linked resources listed in the letter which you may find helpful. Maybe you will find much of wha I wrote to resonate with you and what you need to communicate with your Mathew. In any regard, I do hope you find it a comfort and help to know you are not alone, and that someone else has lost a Joey who was her firstborn, her first love, her heart song, her baby boy, and she is surviving, and healing as well. I pray a peace that passes understanding will fold around you and your family, and that love and compassion bless you through your darkets grief.

Love, Claudia

---------------

My very precious Son,

I have been missing you so much and thinking about you ALL the time. Now that four months have come and gone, it seems like the world keeps turning and we are expected to just go right on with it like nothing happened and all is well. For the most part we can face each day and do what we have to do, find moments when we can smile and laugh, and so on. But in reality we see the world differently now. I know you think about Joey all the time, because I do too. I haven’t had too much conversation with you lately, and I just want you to know that I am here for you any time, all the time. I thought about you a lot Thursday (Thanksgiving). I wondered if the day was harder for you because your dad was away. It was hard for me. It hasn’t gotten much easier since with Christmas coming and all.

Everything is different this year. I just want to mostly check in and see how you are doing. I know you say when we talk that you’re doing alright. But I also know deep down you hurt, and that’s normal and ok. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or talk about things you aren’t up for. So for now I’ll just let you know that I’ve been looking around for things that might help you feel not so alone in those down times—because believe me, I know there are those times. Even though I have others to talk to, I still feel alone with my grief over losing Joey. I am blessed to have you, and I want to be here for you and help you any way I can. You are my special gift, my son, my precious child.

Here are a couple of links to click or cut and paste in your browser for newsletters especially for people who have lost a brother or sister—and for those who lost an only sibling, like you did. You might find they lead you to finding that your feelings are normal, no matter what those feelings are, and that you are not alone in your feelings, even when you feel alone. They may be a help when nothing else can be. If you would like me to find other stuff for you, just say the word and I will drop everything to come to your aid. There is nothing you could do or say that could ever make me not want to shower you with love.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/OnlySurvivingSiblingsNewsletter.pdf (Lots of good stuff)

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/SiblingNewsletter.pdf (Especially good here is page 6)

I love you. Please don’t ever hold back from talking to me about anything if you want and need to. I am your mom and you are forever my baby, even when you’re 90. I love you more than you can possibly imagine. You are so precious to me.

Take good care of yourself my beloved son.

All my love always,

Mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Well, rats! The links no longer work, and I should have checked them beforehand. But he Compassionate Friends site does or did have some sibling grief resources on it. You could also search on the web using key words Sibling Grief, which may bring up much more resources. In any event, I am praying for you to be able to meet the needs to comfort your surviving son as well as finding the comfort you need. Blessings!!! ~Claudia

[g20kin]

Thank you for your responses, they have all been very helpful. I did think I was posting to the Loss of an Adult Child string but obviously did something incorrectly.

I do come on and read all your letters everyday but still have a hard time talking or writing about my Joey. It makes the reality hit and the breakdowns start all over again. But for now just ready others posts and relating is a big help.

Again, Thank you all

Judi- Joeys mom

[westleysmom]

Judi-Keep coming back and only tell us about your Joey when you feel like you can do it. Just know that when you do feel ready-we can take it. Everybody here makes a point to let you know that its okay to talk about your child here because so many people in our real lives get that uneasy look on their faces when we mention our lost child. But you don't have to talk about him until you're ready. We have all been where you are, more or less. You don't know which way is up, or why you're still here, or what exactly just happened to turn your world upside down. I'm so sorry dear that you have found yourself in upside-down land with all the rest of us. Take care of yourself and let the tears flow when they come. I never knew I could cry so many tears. I hope this place will help you as much as it has helped me. Hugs to you.