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I lost my best friend on November 20, 2010


taledo329

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My mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer on March 17, 2010 and underwent radiation on her brain to kill the tumor there and then began chemotherapy on her lungs. She tried 2 different rounds and chemo drugs and neither made the 2 tumors shrink in her chest so her oncologist advised 6 weeks of radiation her her chest. Her last day of radiation was 11/3 and she was to take a few weeks off to get strong and begin chemotherapy at the end of the month.

Mom had a MRI done of her brain on 11/10 to make sure all was well. I kind of thought the tumor might be back because of noticeable changes, but thought it could be damage done by radiation she had done on her brain.

She had a cough that started 11/12 and sounded like her usual cough so thought nothing of it and waitied till her visiting nurse came by on 11/13. We followed her instructions with giving her the mucinex and was told to take her to the ER on Sunday if she did not improve.

The cough sounded worse the next day and she was not bringing any of the mucus up so we took her to the ER in the early afternoon and she was admitted right away into the ICU unit and here we are thinking it is just her usual cough and she just needs antibiotics and the doctor is in my face asking if she has a DNR. WHAT?

Just make her better so that I can take her home for crying out loud but that was not meant to be.

She was kept in ICU until we put her in hospice on Tuesday with the belief that she would be on hospice until she got strong enough to do chemotherapy so insisted on not signing a DNR for her.

I got the call Wednesday when I was on my way home from work that the results from the MRI on her brain showed several new lessions on her brain and another test showed new tumors on her adrenal and anal area so I went to the hosital and signed the DNR. They moved her to hospice level of the hospital on Wednesday and she was talking a little but not much. Thursday she was talking less and Friday not at all but her eyes were open and active occasionally and then Saturday she did not open her eyes nor did she respond to anything or anyone.

We got the call that she passed away at 11:40pm and as I am standing over the hospital bed looking down at the person I brought to the ER less than a week ago I went into list mode and did all the things the executor is supposed to do and not until now with her Memorial over and the remains handled can I sit here and think if I had only taking her to the ER Friday that I would have my mom for a little longer and not lose her so sudden. As I was sitting by her bedside Saturday afternoon I apologized for hollering at her for not trying harder, not getting up out of the chair when I knew she could. I told her I was sorry and that I loved her and a few hours later she was gone.

Going through her clothes, books and momentos has been getting more difficult as I would like to hold onto alot more than I am but her extensive biography collection was donated to the library, her walker was given to her PCP's office for someone to use, her yarn is going to organizations that can use it for charitable works, but the little things like a birthday card, a photo of her, my brother and I are what hurt the most.

How am I supposed to go back to work tomorrow when I cannot stop the tears? I want to stay under the blanket she crocheted for me and just cry. How am I suppose to get through this?

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My mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer on March 17, 2010 and underwent radiation on her brain to kill the tumor there and then began chemotherapy on her lungs. She tried 2 different rounds and chemo drugs and neither made the 2 tumors shrink in her chest so her oncologist advised 6 weeks of radiation her her chest. Her last day of radiation was 11/3 and she was to take a few weeks off to get strong and begin chemotherapy at the end of the month.

Mom had a MRI done of her brain on 11/10 to make sure all was well. I kind of thought the tumor might be back because of noticeable changes, but thought it could be damage done by radiation she had done on her brain.

She had a cough that started 11/12 and sounded like her usual cough so thought nothing of it and waitied till her visiting nurse came by on 11/13. We followed her instructions with giving her the mucinex and was told to take her to the ER on Sunday if she did not improve.

The cough sounded worse the next day and she was not bringing any of the mucus up so we took her to the ER in the early afternoon and she was admitted right away into the ICU unit and here we are thinking it is just her usual cough and she just needs antibiotics and the doctor is in my face asking if she has a DNR. WHAT?

Just make her better so that I can take her home for crying out loud but that was not meant to be.

She was kept in ICU until we put her in hospice on Tuesday with the belief that she would be on hospice until she got strong enough to do chemotherapy so insisted on not signing a DNR for her.

I got the call Wednesday when I was on my way home from work that the results from the MRI on her brain showed several new lessions on her brain and another test showed new tumors on her adrenal and anal area so I went to the hosital and signed the DNR. They moved her to hospice level of the hospital on Wednesday and she was talking a little but not much. Thursday she was talking less and Friday not at all but her eyes were open and active occasionally and then Saturday she did not open her eyes nor did she respond to anything or anyone.

We got the call that she passed away at 11:40pm and as I am standing over the hospital bed looking down at the person I brought to the ER less than a week ago I went into list mode and did all the things the executor is supposed to do and not until now with her Memorial over and the remains handled can I sit here and think if I had only taking her to the ER Friday that I would have my mom for a little longer and not lose her so sudden. As I was sitting by her bedside Saturday afternoon I apologized for hollering at her for not trying harder, not getting up out of the chair when I knew she could. I told her I was sorry and that I loved her and a few hours later she was gone.

Going through her clothes, books and momentos has been getting more difficult as I would like to hold onto alot more than I am but her extensive biography collection was donated to the library, her walker was given to her PCP's office for someone to use, her yarn is going to organizations that can use it for charitable works, but the little things like a birthday card, a photo of her, my brother and I are what hurt the most.

How am I supposed to go back to work tomorrow when I cannot stop the tears? I want to stay under the blanket she crocheted for me and just cry. How am I suppose to get through this?

Taledo,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Are you able to take time off from work? Surely your employers are understanding that you need time to grieve. You will get through this little by little, minute by minute and hour by hour. It is tough, but cry as much as you want to. When my Dad died, he was at home with Hospice. We took comfort in knowing that he was finally pain free and happy although our hearts were breaking that he was gone. It's been a little more than a year (he died in August 2009). At first, it was really hard, but little by little, I am now able to fondly remember him and even smile and laugh as I recall a funny moment or a happy time. At first, all I could see when I thought of him is his last moment of breath and how horrible he looked laying in that bed after he passed.

I want to welcome you here. There are tons of people who have suffered similar experiences as yours and will be able to offer you support and encouragement along your grief journey. Please come back as often as you wish and post as much or as little as you want. We look forward to hearing from you.

ModKonnie

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My mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer on March 17, 2010 and underwent radiation on her brain to kill the tumor there and then began chemotherapy on her lungs. She tried 2 different rounds and chemo drugs and neither made the 2 tumors shrink in her chest so her oncologist advised 6 weeks of radiation her her chest. Her last day of radiation was 11/3 and she was to take a few weeks off to get strong and begin chemotherapy at the end of the month.

Mom had a MRI done of her brain on 11/10 to make sure all was well. I kind of thought the tumor might be back because of noticeable changes, but thought it could be damage done by radiation she had done on her brain.

She had a cough that started 11/12 and sounded like her usual cough so thought nothing of it and waitied till her visiting nurse came by on 11/13. We followed her instructions with giving her the mucinex and was told to take her to the ER on Sunday if she did not improve.

The cough sounded worse the next day and she was not bringing any of the mucus up so we took her to the ER in the early afternoon and she was admitted right away into the ICU unit and here we are thinking it is just her usual cough and she just needs antibiotics and the doctor is in my face asking if she has a DNR. WHAT?

Just make her better so that I can take her home for crying out loud but that was not meant to be.

She was kept in ICU until we put her in hospice on Tuesday with the belief that she would be on hospice until she got strong enough to do chemotherapy so insisted on not signing a DNR for her.

I got the call Wednesday when I was on my way home from work that the results from the MRI on her brain showed several new lessions on her brain and another test showed new tumors on her adrenal and anal area so I went to the hosital and signed the DNR. They moved her to hospice level of the hospital on Wednesday and she was talking a little but not much. Thursday she was talking less and Friday not at all but her eyes were open and active occasionally and then Saturday she did not open her eyes nor did she respond to anything or anyone.

We got the call that she passed away at 11:40pm and as I am standing over the hospital bed looking down at the person I brought to the ER less than a week ago I went into list mode and did all the things the executor is supposed to do and not until now with her Memorial over and the remains handled can I sit here and think if I had only taking her to the ER Friday that I would have my mom for a little longer and not lose her so sudden. As I was sitting by her bedside Saturday afternoon I apologized for hollering at her for not trying harder, not getting up out of the chair when I knew she could. I told her I was sorry and that I loved her and a few hours later she was gone.

Going through her clothes, books and momentos has been getting more difficult as I would like to hold onto alot more than I am but her extensive biography collection was donated to the library, her walker was given to her PCP's office for someone to use, her yarn is going to organizations that can use it for charitable works, but the little things like a birthday card, a photo of her, my brother and I are what hurt the most.

How am I supposed to go back to work tomorrow when I cannot stop the tears? I want to stay under the blanket she crocheted for me and just cry. How am I suppose to get through this?

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My deepest sympathy to you and your family for the loss of your mother. Our stories are very similar and I was taken back and reminded of my own personal tragedy of losing my mother. You will eventually get through this. Remember to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. That is what I tell myself everyday. I lost my mother and my best friend on 01/08/2010 and my life will never be the same. I sleep under the blanket my mother crocheted for me every night and I have her picture everywhere. I visit her grave every Sunday after church...we went to church together and I treasured that. This helps me to cope but nothing takes away the pain. I pray alot and thank God for removing my mother from her suffering. She too had lung cancer and emphysema and she struggled so hard just to breathe in and out. Our mother's are not suffering anymore. They dont feel the pain of the disease that was hurting them. They are free of the ton of medication they were chained to taking just to live. They are angels that God dispatches to watch over us. I take comfort in that and I hope one day you will too. I talk about her often, but I only try to reflect on how happy she was in spite of her pain. I know exactly where you are and every day will be a little easier than the day before. I am starting to come out of my room more. I shut myself out. I just didnt want to be bothered. I find myself smiling more and that makes me feel better. Our mother's have eternal life because we will keep their memories alive and continue their legacies. I will pray for you...

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My deepest sympathy to you and your family for the loss of your mother. Our stories are very similar and I was taken back and reminded of my own personal tragedy of losing my mother. You will eventually get through this. Remember to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. That is what I tell myself everyday. I lost my mother and my best friend on 01/08/2010 and my life will never be the same. I sleep under the blanket my mother crocheted for me every night and I have her picture everywhere. I visit her grave every Sunday after church...we went to church together and I treasured that. This helps me to cope but nothing takes away the pain. I pray alot and thank God for removing my mother from her suffering. She too had lung cancer and emphysema and she struggled so hard just to breathe in and out. Our mother's are not suffering anymore. They dont feel the pain of the disease that was hurting them. They are free of the ton of medication they were chained to taking just to live. They are angels that God dispatches to watch over us. I take comfort in that and I hope one day you will too. I talk about her often, but I only try to reflect on how happy she was in spite of her pain. I know exactly where you are and every day will be a little easier than the day before. I am starting to come out of my room more. I shut myself out. I just didnt want to be bothered. I find myself smiling more and that makes me feel better. Our mother's have eternal life because we will keep their memories alive and continue their legacies. I will pray for you...

Ms. Allen,

I want to tell you I am sorry for the loss of your dear mother, but I also want to welcome you to our forums. I am glad you have come here to share with us. There are many people here who have suffered tragedies and losses. We all support and encourage each other.

ModKonnie

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