guilt I was scared she was dying, now I can’t live with the guilt over not being there.

[Spoof]

I was so scared when my mom was dying,  I didn’t visit her as often as I should have, or could have. I only live 15 minutes away, so time and travel wasn’t the issue. Dad called in hospice for home care and mom was doing so well, I fooled myself into believing that they were just there to help him out. I knew damn well what they were there for and I still stayed far away. One of the Hospice nurses called me out on it. I loved my mom so much and it hurt so bad to see her like that, bed-bound in the side bedroom, I couldn’t go. That nurse had no right to say anything, but she did and that’s the reason I write today.  It’s also the reason for the bad anxiety I have been experiencing since her passing. I can’t get over it. She died on November 11, 2017 and I still cry every day.  Its debilitating. I am being medicated for depression and anxiety now. I can’t apologize to my mom enough. I’m so sorry, Spoof. I wish I would have spent more time with you. I should have spent more time with you. Now I’ll never get it back. Did you die knowing how much I loved you? I’m so sorry...

[reader]

Dear Spoof,

I am very sorry for your pain and sorrow. It was normal to be scared when faced with your mom's passing. I know you didn't mean to hurt your mom. Its a very raw time and we all deal things in our own way.  Denial is very powerful. We all wish we could go back in time and change things. All of us. It's not easy.

I hope you will consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group through Facebook, the community or church. I also found these websites helpful in understanding my feelings.

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Tiny Buddha

GriefShare

Grief Recovery Method

Take your time, my friend. Moment by moment. Please know we are with you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.