She Chose to Drink and Drive !

[JayBee123]

I lost my bestfriend of 15 years in a car accident. A single car collision. She swerved on the highway, hit a ditch and flipped. She didn't have her belt on. She got ejected from her driver side window. She was found with minimal vital signs and died in the hospital. My bestfriend. My soulmate. My babygirl. Gone. Within a blink of an eye. The morning I got the news plays over and over in my head. A phone call i'll never be able to forget. The call that haunts me. How can this be true? How could it be, that after all the times I've begged you to never drink and drive, you did? How did you allow yourself to be so out of it that you swerved across 4 lanes. You were always a good driver. How could you be so careless with your life? Don't you know how important your life was to us. To me. To your family. To your husband. Just a year before we were celebrating your marriage. And just 4 days after your anniversary you make us lose you forever. How could you let that happen? How am I supposed to forgive you? How am I supposed to move on?

 

I can't help but feel anger at her for making us lose her so early. I wasn't ready for this. Never will be. We were supposed to grow old together. You were my only friend. The only person on this planet who understood me completely. The only person I could say my deep dark thoughts to out loud, and not worry about be judged. You were my sister. I could never picture life without you and now I'm forced to live it. It's been 10 months and you haven't even visited me in my dream. Where are you? Come back to me !

 

I am angry at her for leaving. For the way she left. I am angry at the universe for taking her so early. And I am angry at the world. My world. It seems that those around me don't seem to understand that this is something that has changed me forever. I will never be the same person I was before I lost her. I will never be able to just get over it. I will deal with this loss every single day for the rest of my life. So why is it that my mom doesn't understand why I don't have it in me to do the regular every day chores. I know my room is a mess. I look at it and I want oh so bad for it be clean. I tell myself everyday that I'm going to spend my day off to deep clean the crap out of it. And then my day off comes around and I find myself doing anything but. I can't seem to put it into perspective that she's gone. All this time has gone by and I'm still stuck in the moment I first found out the news. Still stuck sitting here playing her funeral over and over again in my head. My cousin and I were the ones to get her ready for her funeral. We didn't have to dress her, the funeral home did that for us. But her family couldn't hold themselves together enough to handle doing her make up so they asked us, her bestfriends. It was an honour to be asked. It was an honour to do it. I know she wouldn't have wanted anyone else there. But being that up close and personal with her lifeless body is something I don't think I will ever be able to come back from. I had to switch my emotions off just to be able to do so. Sometimes I'm afraid I haven't been able to switch them back on. 

Life is weird without her. And I don't know how to cope.  

I love you baby girl. Forever and always. xox

[reader]

Dear JayBee,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences.

Please know it takes a long time to come to terms with our grief.

If you want to consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community or through church for additional supports.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.