Lost my husband, it's so hard

[Laney]

I'm new here.  I lost my husband on June 21, 2018.  He had been fighting cancer over the last year, and although it was stage 4, the treatments were keeping it stable, so we were hopeful for quite a bit more time to come.  He had a serious complication that turned fatal.  He was only 58 years old.  We were married for 19 years and he was my everything!  I lost my parents and only sibling over the last 3 years and we don't have children, so I have no immediate family left.  The pain of losing by best friend and soul mate is excruciating.  Before he was diagnosed, We were planning our retirement years together.  We were so much in love.

I miss him so much.  I'm not suicidal, but really have no desire to live life right now, which from what I've been told is a common feeling.  I've started going to GriefShare and to see a counselor, but I know that I have to go through this, there is nothing that will take this pain away.  The waves of grief are so big!

Glad to find this community and others that know what kind of pain I'm going through.  

[Jamiei]

I am so very sorry, every story I read breaks my heart! I lost my boyfriend in February and the pain is still excruciating! I tried grief share I hope it helps you. 

[Laney]

Thank you Jamiei, I'm so sorry your are going through this too..

[Spengler]

Laney, I can understand your feeling of not wanting to live. It's something similar with me -- not caring whether I live or die.

With your partner gone, you wonder, "What am I still doing here?" I think it's a matter of simply doing your job, of helping those who need your help, taking care of your own basic needs, and carrying on with unfinished business. Look, there are millions of others who have gone through or are going through the same loss. And all the young people, the children and grandchildren, will one day go through the same thing. Maybe our job is to set a good example for them. Maybe that's why the Lord intends us to live on for our allotted time.

I'm on my third month after. Some days I actually feel better. Some days not. I do know I'll never get over the loss. And I don't want to.

 

[Claurb]

I Am so sorry. I lost my husband last October and it's been a sad journey. I don't have family here but I have a son and that keeps me going. It's been overwhelming and really still have a hard time seeing the end of the tunnel. Some days I still come home waiting for him to greet me. And then I realize his chair is empty. I finally am able to sleep at night without help and I am grateful for that. But never ever did I think I will be here. We were happy and our life was good. Never will I take anything for granted. Hang in there my friend! We all will find some acceptance and support is great here.

[Tamimi]

I'm sorry you have found yourself here.  My husband died unexpectedly  in February  at age 56. All our dreams of retirement will never be and It hurts so bad.  I have also lost others, but I wasn't ready for the deep pain of losing my spouse.  I didn't  realize this level of grief could be felt so physical.  I want my old life back and it's such a stab to the heart with the realization it's over. I have my grown children around me, which I'm thankful for, and they and my 2 grandsons are what keep me going.  At almost 5 months in I do have better moments and days than I used to. I am also doing griefshare and feel it helps.  But this journey is so hard, and it does help to know others are going through the same thing. You're  right, the waves of grief are huge!

[KayC]

Lainey,

I am so sorry for your loss...it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could live a week without my husband, let alone the rest of my life...he turned 51 five days before he died, I was 52.  In my family we live well into our 90s, I didn't see how I could do 40 years without him.  These are the things I've learned that has helped me...it's been 13 years since he's died, Father's Day 2005.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[tlc]

Lainey,

I am so sorry that you have lost your soulmate. I know what you are going through. I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend too in April. 

I too am lost, alone and devastated. I ask myself every day, why am I still here? But as Spengler says, by concentrating on our unfinished business and plans that we had hoped to finish together, it helps to keep me focused on something other than my grief. I will complete our plans as much as I can in his memory. It doesn't stop the waves crashing over me though.

I am not having counseling but find it so helpful to come to this site and see that I am not alone in this gut wrenching grief.

As has been said before by other wise ones on this site, it is a case of somehow learning to live with our loss rather than get over it. I will always love my husband and be married to him until we are together again.

Thinking of you!

[KayC]

Counseling can help us navigate through this, and at least explain some of what we're experiencing, helping us know where to start in this new journey called grief...but I must confess that what helped me the very most was my grief site, going through it with fellow sojourners, helping me to know that what I was experiencing was "normal" for grief and helping me make my way through this one day at a time.  Everything I've learned, I've learned from fellow grievers.

You state it well: 

5 hours ago, tlc said:

somehow learning to live with our loss rather than get over it.

 

[Laney]

Thank you all for responding.  It does help to know others are making it through. I appreciate your thoughts very much!