Just lost my daughter

[jj in florida]

Hello everyone:

I am new here, but not new to the grief journey.

My dear daughter was killed in a car / train accident on October 4, 2010. Her birthday would have been this past Monday, October 18. She would have been 39 years old.

I am OK...as I stated I am not new to the grief journey. This was just so sudden, whereas my SO was a lingering death, 4 1/2 yrs ago. In between these 2 deaths, I have lost my dad, cousin, almost mother-in-law, and my aunt & uncle. It has been a really really hard 4 1/2 years for me.

Yesterday, everything hit me like a "lead balloon", and wasn't able to go to work. I got through her birthday, but the next day (yesterday) "WHAM"....knocked me out and I took a 2 1/2 hour nap yesterday afternoon.

The reality of it all has really sunk in, and now I am just a zombie...not functioning very well at all. I have absolutely no feelings at all. Just numb.

Still hard to realize the words "my daughter was killed"; my daughter died"; my daughter is dead; etc. I keep telling myself she is dead...on purpose...just to get the FACT into my brain. Hasn't worked yet.

I use to be on another grief site, but it is only for married people, widows & widowers and SO's. I was there for almost 2 years, but they did not have anything in regards to losses of a child / adult child.

My good friend found this website for me this afternoon while I was at work, and sent me the link. I just registered, so now I guess I am a member. Unfortunately, wish i did not have to be here, but I am glad you are here to read my story.

Not much else I can say right now except I am very exhausted, I cry whenever necessary, I eat as well as I can, and have been sleeping fairly well, only in this grief journey, I seem to be sleeping more. When SO died, I could not sleep at all. Somedays I do not want to get out of bed---like yesterday, but I have to keep going because I am a sole surviver trying to keep my house. No one else left to help me pay the mortgage....... I have been doing this all by myself for 4 1/2 yrs...since SO died. I lost my job for 15 months, but have been working part-time since July....barely keeping my head above water.....

I do feel I want to give up now............since the death of my daughter. But I won't...I will keep plugging along....until I gain some strength back from my heavenly Father...He is seeing me through this with the help of our Lord Jesus Christ, His only begotten Son.

Sincerely.

JJ in Florida

[mikesmum]

JJ - Not being new to grief doesn't really help when your child dies. "my daughter was killed"; my daughter died"; my daughter is dead; These phrases we hear but never think they will apply to us. I am glad you have friends that show you the way here. I mainly post on Loss of an Adult Child. Micheal my son died in Jan 07. I worked in the health industry all my life, my last job was as an EMD (emergency medical dispatcher). I thought I was impervious to grief trauma and most of what life can throw at you. I was so wrong.

I came here in the middle of the night four months after Mike died. In that time I have met the most amazingly resilient supportive and compassion people.

Pls tell us more about your daughter - I have learnt our children are more that just that one day when we lost them.

Trudi.

[ericasmom]

JJ, God Bless you in all of this tragedy. Please post in loss of adult child so that you can meet all of us there, we are abundant in numbers but loving. I too lost my Daughter in a train/car accident. It was 7 years ago in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She was 19. All I can do is promise you that we are here to help as you find yourself learning to live with this crushing loss. I am going to bed, but I will write more tomorrow.

Peace Dear,

dee