Loss of my father 11 years after my mother

[tuna]

Hi everyone. 
It's not easy for me to write this, but I feel like if I don't let these words out, I might choke.

On the 25th of April 2018 I lost my dad to an aortic aneurysm. He was 54, so this was quite an unusual death for his age, but most of all it was incredibly sudden.
I'm 25, and when I was 14 my mother died of a really nasty form of cancer. She fought for 2 years, but at the age of 37 she left us. It was an incredibly painful moment in my life, but in some ways we were prepared for it. Don't get me wrong, I know you're never prepared for the death of a loved one, even if they're sick for a long time and you know they're losing the battle... But in that case, I had my dad. He was the rock to which I clung so hard during my adolescence. He was a workaholic, but he always made me feel like me and my brother were the most important things in his life. And he was the most important person in my life. After my mom, I became quite scared of doctors and illness in general. I'm the kind of person that is scared of having a tumor every time she sees a bump somewhere in her body... he was the only person who could reassure me. Who would tell me "what are you talking about, that's bullshit". And he'd be the only one I'd believe. 
He had a really hard life, and the last years he was really struggling with work and health, but he was the most hopeful person I've ever met. He still had the will to live after all that happened to him, and that's what breaks my heart the most. The fact that his life just stopped when he was still excited about living.
I can't stop thinking how much pain he must've felt the last moments of his life. Maybe he was thinking about us, about how he was leaving us alone. Or how scary it must've been for him...

Right now, I don't really know how to live knowing he's not in this world anymore. I always thought that because life failed my mother so early, because it failed us so early, we would at least get to spend much more time with him. That he would've seen my children. That he would've seen me succeed. 
Instead, I'm left with this huge hole in my chest and I don't know how to have any will to live.
I know people have much harder lives in this world. There are people that are abused by their parents, people that never got to meet them, people that live in conditions that I can't even begin to imagine... but right now, all I can think of is how unfair all this is. How unfair that everyone around me gets to have their amazing families beside them and I don't. How unfair that everyone looks forward to Christmas, but I don't, since 11 years. How unfair that I've already lost those that put me in this world at 25. 

I can't get myself to speak about this stuff with anyone. My boyfriend has been very supportive, but I don't know how to speak about my pain with him. I feel like the best people to talk about this are the ones that understand how much this hurts. I've thought about going to support groups, but I don't feel ready yet. 

If you've read this far, thank you very much.
"Tuna"

[sadandlost]

Dear Tuna,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Both of them.  It’s a lot of trauma for a young person.  It’s very fresh and very raw right now.  It took me 3 or 4 months to come to terms with my mom was actually gone.  It’s very hard to process.  16 months later it still is although I’m doing better than I was last year.  Grief is very lonely.  It’s impossible to share but talking does help.  I think when you’re ready and you’ll know when that is, seek a grief counselor or support group.  I did not and developed a lot of coping mechanisms.  I suffered from anxiety and panic and I felt I didn’t know who I was anymore.  It went on for a year.  A year of depression.  I’m coming through it now but it’s taken a long time.  For now you’re still in shock and it’s hard to absorb.  I know the hole you’re talking about.  I wish I could say that will pass.  I think what eventually happens is we get used to the hole and we get used to a different life.  I’m so sorry for what you’re going through now.  It’s normal to feel how you do.  Grief is a long process.

[DeepPurple]

Dear Tuna,

I am so sorry for your losses.  I too lost a beloved parent just 6 weeks ago and the pain is tremendous.  There is just no adequate way to describe this agony, other than a furious restlessness that cannot be assuaged.  That no matter what you do, you are faced with this searing heartbreak that won't go away. I sob almost every day, I scream out my pain.  Yes, the sense of the loss of hope and a future is very real, but it does not have to become your reality eventually.  It may sound like a platitude now, but please believe that there is hope and a future even if you don't see it now.  Have faith.  It is like driving through a tunnel.  You may drive for a time and don't see the light but you know that as you continue going forward, you will hit the end of the tunnel and the light at the end of it.  Your life will no longer be the normal that you once knew but it will be a new normal. As Sadandlost said, grief is a long process, so be patient with yourself.  Sending you hugs. 

[tuna]

On 6/3/2018 at 10:30 AM, sadandlost said:

Dear Tuna,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Both of them.  It’s a lot of trauma for a young person.  It’s very fresh and very raw right now.  It took me 3 or 4 months to come to terms with my mom was actually gone.  It’s very hard to process.  16 months later it still is although I’m doing better than I was last year.  Grief is very lonely.  It’s impossible to share but talking does help.  I think when you’re ready and you’ll know when that is, seek a grief counselor or support group.  I did not and developed a lot of coping mechanisms.  I suffered from anxiety and panic and I felt I didn’t know who I was anymore.  It went on for a year.  A year of depression.  I’m coming through it now but it’s taken a long time.  For now you’re still in shock and it’s hard to absorb.  I know the hole you’re talking about.  I wish I could say that will pass.  I think what eventually happens is we get used to the hole and we get used to a different life.  I’m so sorry for what you’re going through now.  It’s normal to feel how you do.  Grief is a long process.

 

On 6/5/2018 at 10:05 AM, DeepPurple said:

Dear Tuna,

I am so sorry for your losses.  I too lost a beloved parent just 6 weeks ago and the pain is tremendous.  There is just no adequate way to describe this agony, other than a furious restlessness that cannot be assuaged.  That no matter what you do, you are faced with this searing heartbreak that won't go away. I sob almost every day, I scream out my pain.  Yes, the sense of the loss of hope and a future is very real, but it does not have to become your reality eventually.  It may sound like a platitude now, but please believe that there is hope and a future even if you don't see it now.  Have faith.  It is like driving through a tunnel.  You may drive for a time and don't see the light but you know that as you continue going forward, you will hit the end of the tunnel and the light at the end of it.  Your life will no longer be the normal that you once knew but it will be a new normal. As Sadandlost said, grief is a long process, so be patient with yourself.  Sending you hugs. 

Dear sandandlost and DeepPurple, 

thank you so much for your kind words. 
Having dealt with the death of my mother 11 years ago, I do understand what you talk about. The fact that the pain eases, and that there will come a time when I won't be suffering as much. 
What I'm feeling now thought, along with pain, sadness and anger, is a feeling of total hopelessness. I was suffering from mild depression even before my dad died, I was about to find a therapist to help me with anxiety and many other things, but then this happened and the world completely fell over me. I still go to work, I occasionally meet up with friends and do normal stuff, but I feel like my life has no meaning at all right now. I do know this might be a passing feeling because of the loss of my father, but I lived to make him proud. I lived for the day where I could give back to him what he gave to me all his life. I wanted to make him happy, but now that I can't anymore I feel as if I might as well be dead with him. It took me years to accept my mother's absence, the idea of having to go through all that again is just too much. 

My parents were really religious, and they tried to pass this on to me all their lives, unfortunately unsuccessfully. I say unfortunately because it's in moments like these that I wished I believed in God. I wish that I believed they are together now, finally peaceful, finally at rest. I wish that I believed in a greater plan, I wish that all of this suffering meant something.
How do you deal with and accept pain and death when you don't believe in anything? 
Even though we're constantly reminded of our mortality, we still suffer so much at the thought of our beloved dying. Why is it so hard to accept something that we all know is gonna happen to all of us? Something that we all know is as natural as being born? 

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I have been reading many stories on the forum and indeed it does help in feeling less alone in this pain. 

[DeepPurple]

I wish I had the words to soothe your pain, Tuna.  I am also at the beginning of my grief journey and some days just feel so hard to get through.  Sometimes, it takes all my energy just to live moment by moment.  I believe in God, so it is to Him that I turn to every day, and I try to be grateful for the daily blessings.  It helps me to know that Someone cares so deeply about me, because as you can imagine, with the death of my mum who was my only family, I am truly without kin.  Regards your question, it is a normal human response to mourn the loss of that which was important to us, and that pain will follow love in this case.  Check out this article :   http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4425926/Why-no-man-gets-pain-losing-mother.html.  His last paragraph resonated with me.