Did the loss of your parent/s lead to the loss of your marriage?

[niall]

I am new to your forum, and glad to see supportive and understanding messages abound. It gives me courage to share my story:

The past two to three years of my life have been marked heavily with loss. First, I had to leave my dream career due to serious slowdowns in the industry. My wife then had to leave her job due to complications during pregnancy, which led to the flaring up a dormant genetic condition that left her almost bed-ridden for days at a time, all while trying to care for our newborn daughter. In April 2016, my mother died from heart failure in her sleep. My father died nine months later following a heart-wrenching six-year struggle with dementia. In this time, my wife also lost all three of her surviving grandparents, including one who was closer to her than her mother. 

This collection of change and loss is one that befits the entire span of a 40- to 50-year marriage. Not newlyweds.

The strain quickly became too much for me and my wife. In the midst of her health problems, I was the sole income-earner and had to do most of the house chores: cooking, cleaning, groceries, yard work. Just walking up the stairs with laundry was too much for her. I was also grieving the loss of my wife as a physically strong, independent woman. The intimacy in our marriage became virtually non-existent, which was especially difficult for me as my love language is touch.

Yet we persisted. After a year of maternity leave, my wife returned to school to pursue her dream — a PhD in law reform. Her efforts were stymied almost immediately when our daughter developed a milk protein allergy and swollen adenoids. She was congested constantly, vomitted multiple times a day and required around-the-clock care. Our local daycare could not accommodate her needs, so my wife had to go on medical leave again.

Grief soon turned into anger and frustration in our home as each resented the other for not being supportive enough. I wasn't doing enough to support her schooling. She wasn't doing enough to support my grieving.

My anger persists at the latter. You see, my wife did not have a good relationship with my parents, especially my mother. She is also very self-conscious and uncomfortable with public displays of grief. She said she could not understand why it was hitting me so hard. Things came to a head at my father's funeral when, after the ceremony, my wife and I had a fight and she left with my daughter. When all I wanted was my wife and daughter by my side while I shared stories and tears with my father's many friends, I felt abandoned. I have never felt comfortable expressing these feelings to my wife, explaining them away by telling myself, "Oh, she doesn't like funerals," or "She needed to be there for our daughter, and that's important." But my anger and resentment persisted, particularly when we returned home and life just had to "carry on."

Weeks after my dad's death, it was clear I was not coping well. I took a six-week leave of absence from work. That helped reconnect our family. In that time, we agreed that something about our house wasn't working. We made a bold decision: Invest my entire share of parents' entire inheritance (around $130,000) to renovate our house into the home of our dreams. My parents were gone, but at least we would have the home we wanted to support our dream life together. My wife lovingly proclaimed, "This is an investment you're making in our relationship." We felt excited for the new step, and grateful to my parents for making it happen.

A word of advice to anyone in the midst of grief: Limit big changes or stressors in your life, no matter how alluring they may seem.

Renovations, it turns out, are the very definition of stress. A one-month work schedule inevitably stretched out to four months and beyond. We moved out, sent our dog to live with extended family, and stuffed ourselves in a rented condo. All the while, anger, fighting and resentment between my wife and I returned, then grew and grew. She warned me that she was reaching her limit and I had to treat her better. I tried, but then my anger around my parents' deaths, not to mention the financial strain of renos and her going back to school, would soon flare up.

In October, my wife had had enough and she asked me to go. We separated.

Things look positive around Christmastime when she said she wanted to pursue a path of reconciliation. Two days later, she changed her mind and uttered the words that sent my world crashing apart: "I want a divorce."

It's been five months since those words. The separation (I still cannot accept that divorce will be the final outcome) has moved quickly. We sold our house and split all our assets. I have already bought a new house. 

As I look back on my story, I feel I did everything I could, given my abilities and given the circumstances.

What troubles me right now the most is how out of control my anger — the manifestation of my grief — became. I never hit or yelled at my wife. My anger towards her was subtle, but abusive nonetheless. I would make hurtful remarks under my breath or give her the finger behind her back; I blamed her for her health problems (an unfortunate inheritance from my father, who expressed the same about my mother). I even found myself hoping she would not succeed at university. I never said any of this, but my actions communicated my shameful feelings. My wife is also very intuitive and picked up the vibe. 

What I have learned is that grief is a process we go through ALONE. Even though I was married, I alone was (and am) responsible for creating the space and seeking the right help to grieve. I cannot change the past and how things ended with our marriage. But the FUTURE is under my control. My wife and I have since created a marvellous co-parenting relationship; I am much more emotionally independent (out of sheer necessity); I am about to re-enter counselling to focus on the loss of my parents. I turn 40 this month and see a glimmer of hope that the next half of my life (if I am to be blessed with that many more years) will be filled with healthy relationships and love.

I welcome your stories of how the loss of your parents affected your marriage, and what you did to move on following marital breakdown or difficulty. Do you have any advice for how, and whether, to approach my spouse about the anger I bottled up inside?

 

[sadandlost]

Dear Niall,

I’m sorry for your losses and the absolutely dreadful time you’ve been through.  I’m not married so I don’t have a story to share but I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story.  You’ve come through a war and appear to be doing well now.  It’s an inspirational story that after loss and your life crumbles that you can come through it.  I wish you all the best and continued strength for the future.