Just need someone to talk to

[Ninni]

Hi everyone.

First, I want to apologise for my "Engrish", I'm from Italy.

Yesterday, at 10:40 am, I had to say goodbye to my beautiful baby, Citti. She was 13 years old. We rescued her from the streets when she was only a couple of months old and kept her with us ever since. I was 14 years old at the time. She was my first and true pet. I loved her and she, in her own way, loved me. I loved to spoil her. She was so healthy - even with one or two kilograms too much - that I honestly thought she was going to stay with me for a long time...

... until last Saturday. When I woke up I noticed she didn't want to eat or drink, and she was very lethargic. I thought it had something to do with the hot weather, since it wasn't the first time she was doing something like that due to the start of the summer season. I let her rest, hoping the next day would be different. It kinda was. Sunday she started to drink again, although very little, she was using her litter box, but she still wasn't eating. Monday was the same: always sleeping, drinking very little, no eating. I also noticed she kept hiding under my bed, leaving only for using the litter box and drinking.

Tuesday morning I took her to our vet. She wasn't happy at all. She has always been terrified when it came to strangers (she was beaten by some monsters before we rescued her). He run some tests, took a blood sample and X-ray her to see if something was wrong. He said she was getting old, her body was starting to collapse a little, she was getting thin, she was dehydrated and from the radiography turned out she had some feces she couldn't expel, some liquid in her stomach and some very little kidney stones. He said it was nothing too severe. They were wonderful. The gave her liquids, a shot of vitamins and something to help her poop. When I took her home she was fine. Better than fine. She was vigilant, she started to drink again and, oh my God, she even started to eat a little. I was so happy. "Maybe it really was the hot weather," I thought.

This until Tuesday evening. She stopped drinking, she stopped eating, went back to be lethargic, didn't poop, went hiding under my bed again and I noticed she was having trouble using her back legs. I was desperate. I started crying like a madwoman. Still, I thought that maybe she needed more time to recovery. I went to bed, praying for a better Wednesday.

Yesterday morning, she wasn't moving at all. When she tried to get up her back legs weren't working, causing her to collapse on the floor. Her meowing was so... fragile, tired. I panicked, started to cry like never before and called my mom. We took her to the vet. He was shocked by what he was seeing. She wasn't even moving on the table, she was so tired, so weak, so little. He didn't know what was happening, but she was losing her battle against life. He said there was nothing to do, he could not perform a surgery due to her age and we didn't want her to suffer. I asked him if he could euthanize her and he agreed. I could see she was already fading away. He made the first injection while I was cuddling her, whispering that I loved her and that she was going to be fine now, while waiting for her to sleep. I was crying my eyes out. He took her to another room in the back for the final step. When she came back, she was gone. She was still warm, her beautiful green eyes open. I lost it. I was petting her, asking her to come back to me, but of course, she was gone. I asked the vet if I could have her privately cremated, he said yes.

I haven't stop crying since. It's hysterical. It all happened so fast. The vet said maybe her kidneys weren't functioning properly, or the liquid in the stomach was part of something bigger, but he wouldn't know unless they run some more tests. I didn't want that. I wanted her to be in peace, not having her body disturbed again. I regret that a little. I don't know why she died, but I guess it doesn't even matter now.

My house is so empy. I look at the spots where she used to sleep and I don't see her anymore. She used to sleep on my bed at night, and now she is not here. My depression came back like a tsunami. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 13 years old, and having her in my life was everything. She stayed with me all the time. Cuddling with me when I hit rock bottom so many times. The pain, the loss, everything is so excruciating. I want her back with me. The silence in my house is so loud.

The worst part is my family. They don't understand. My mom, while crying yersterday, today told to move on, that she can't believe my cat passing away could cause another wave of depression. That I should be stronger than this, that I shouldn't be thinking about it too much, that the world moves on anyway and I have to move on with it, that I can't stay like this because I have to react and face it with a stiff upper lip. I know she's trying to help, but she's making everything worse. I don't know what to do.

I can't stop crying. It hits me in waves. When I'm trying to distract myself, it kinda works, but then I see a spot where she used to be, her empy little bed in the living room, her food... and I just... I can't. I miss her so much it hurts. I really, really do hope there is something when we die, because I can't face whatever there is without her.

I'm sorry for the novel, but I don't have anyone else to talk to, because they don't understand what it feels like. Hell, sometimes it feels like I'm making a tragedy out of it, that maybe I'm exaggerating.

Thank you for listening to me rambling on and on.

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand. I also lost my cat very suddenly to something. He got very sick it was terrible and we had to him to sleep. It happened so suddenly and then he was gone. Cats can hide sickness for a while so that by the time we see it, they are very very sick. 

You are okay to feel this way. Your cat was a big part of your life. Now she is not with you and you miss her terribly. It is normal. 

I was heart broken too. I did not eat for a couple days. I cried a lot and felt lost for quite a while. My husband did too. Our cat was like our child.

Some people do not understand how much we love and are bonded to our cats. Allow yourself to grieve. Do not look for comfort from those who don't understand. They are not bad people but they do not understand like we do here. That is why this forum exists.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I promise you will be okay, you will slowly feel better as time passes. But you need to be patient because it does take some time. It is the only way to heal from this. You did the right thing, as your sweet girl was suffering and she is at peace now. 

 

[Ninni]

@AJWCat 

Thank you so much for your kind words. You don't understand how much they mean to me. Knowing other people went through what I did... it makes me feel a little better, although it's horrible. I read about your loss, and I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to understand what it's like when you think it's your fault. I hope you're doing okay now.

In my head (you know, the logical part of me) I know I did the right thing, but in my heart... I don't know. I don't think it's guilt, not entirely. Maybe betrayal? It's hard to explain.

Also, I think I feel like this because I thought she was going to stay with me forever. Again, logically I knew she was going to pass away before me, but the "little girl who still belives in Santa Claus" in me thought that pets last forever, that they fade away when you do. I'm not a kid anymore though, I'm 27 years old.

Again, thank you for your reply.

[AJWCat]

Thank you for your kind words, I am doing better. I have come to terms with what happened even without knowing for sure. 

It seems we all want them to live forever, no matter our age. I had to decide for two other cats (I had from 19 to about age 32) when it was time for them as they both had cancer, one went and the other a year later. 

It is strange being the person who loves a creature more than anything to be the person to say when it is time to go. But it is the compassionate thing too. 

 

[Ninni]

@AJWCat

Thank you for the reply.

Honestly, you are a braver person than I. Losing one cat is the worst thing I've ever felt in my whole life, I can't imagine having to put to sleep two more. I'm so sorry. No one deserves cancer. It's one of the worst illnesses out there.

And here I am, thinking that I don't want to feel like this anymore. Yes, I'm closing my heart to so much unconditional love, but if the pain is so intense every time... I'm not that brave. And I'm definitely not that strong.

I agree with everything you said in the last sentence, even if it still hurts.

[Etc]

Lost mine 2 days ago.  Cry as much as you need too,  it's part of the healing process.  I'm a 51 year old correctional officer and I been crying pretty much straight for the last 48 hours.  I am so sorry for your loss.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, I am so sorry.  Reading your story, especially that your family doesn't get it...it happens all too often when we lose our pets, people don't understand the bond we have, or hence our grief.  It is sometimes referred to as disenfranchised grief because sometimes other people don't give it it's just due, they fail to recognize how hard it hits us.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/02/pet-loss-disenfranchised-grief.html

I assure you that your feelings are quite normal under the circumstances.  As for "moving on", that's a term that should NEVER be used when referring to grief.  Grief doesn't have an expiration date, but it does evolve.  Little by little we begin to adjust to the differences it means to our lives.  Thankfully we adjust, we couldn't handle this intensity of pain the rest of our lives.  Eventually instead of pain as you think of her, you will remember the fond memories, I can't say how long that will take, our time tables are all different.  I've heard it said the level of grief equals the level of love, I'm sure there's a measure of truth in that.  I lost my husband 13 years ago this month and I can tell you nothing has hit me as hard in my life!  I have eventually learned to live with it but I continue to miss him each and every day.  I'd have to say that next to him, the hardest losses I've had have been my pets.  They're in our lives every day, interacting with us, so forgiving and loving, how can we not love and appreciate them!  They are God's gift to us.

I want to caution you to thinking you do not want to love again.  Be patient with yourself, understanding, grief has a way of shaking us to our very core.  It can indeed feel akin to brain trauma!  It takes much time and patience to make our way through this.  When the time comes, you will know, just don't say "never", maybe change it to "not yet".  To deprive ourselves of the joy of loving would be to take away much of the meaning in our lives.  We don't want fear to rule us or hold us back.  Also it is very important to give yourself permission to smile again...not just yet you won't feel like it, but when it happens, do not berate yourself or think you're letting your kitty down.  It is the body's own resilience that makes it possible to smile again someday, thankfully!  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.  All that has happened is the body gave out, but the spirit and the love continues.  I believe with all my heart that we will be together again.

Wishing you peace...

 

[Ninni]

@Etc

I'm so sorry about your loss. It must have been so traumatic, losing her like that. And she was your son's best friend. Please, don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything intentionally, you simply didn't know. How are you feeling today?

[Ninni]

@KayC

Thank you so much for your kind words. They helped me feel less lonely. I am extremely sorry for your husband, I can't even fathom what it feels like. My thoughts are with you. And you're right, every single word you said. Indeed, pets are truly a gift from above. I take solace when you say that we slowly adjust. Part of me knows it's true, but right now I find so incredibly hard to believe it. It's the pain talking, I think.

As for taking care of other pets... I know I shouldn't be saying "never again", but it hurts so much. Maybe when I'm ready, when I'll be able to look at her pictures without crying like there's no tomorrow... then maybe I'll consider adopting again. Won't be anytime soon, though.

You hit the nail in the head when you talked about giving myself permission to smile again. Today I was at work and this elderly couple came in our office with a beautiful Bernese Mountain dog puppy (I'm a cat person, but I have a soft spot for this particular breed)! At one point, the puppy started to run around and hit a wall he didn't see (he didn't hurt himself at all, thankfully). He shaked his head and started to run around again. I smiled a little, but then I felt so guilty. "You shouldn't be smiling, you should be grieving," I said to myself. It was horrible.

I really do hope we'll meet out beloved pets again. I can't imagine a lifetime without them.

[KayC]

You will know when the time comes.  I don't jump right in and get another right away, although there's nothing wrong if someone feels so inclined...what's important is allowing ourselves to grieve our loss, to listen to our inner gut feelings about if/when the time is right to let someone else into our heart, and resist the unearned guilt that seems to come bidding when we have a loss.  

I'm glad you smiled, that is one of the things that helped me cope with the loss of my husband, learning to embrace the good that there is in this moment, not merely lamenting what is gone.  We will grieve, it will hurt, but when we look for good we can usually find it...sometimes it might be a stretch to find it when we're in the early days of our loss, but I learned to appreciate the good that there is no matter how small.  None is insignificant.