Guilt - Dad dying

[KatSC]

I'm writing because I feel so lost right now. My Dad is dying after a stroke following a hip operation a few days ago. He's on a morphine drip and isn't going to wake up.

I feel so guilty that I wasn't there enough for him. For the last 5 years he's been in a dementia ward; when I lived overseas I didn't call that much and when I got back I only visited about once a month. He had vascular dementia and was pretty stable so I felt like he'd just keep going. I kept planning to visit more and then I didn't- my Mum (they're divorced even managed to visit him once a week) 

Now I just feel awful - he was not in a good place the last few years, he was angry and could be mean but I know that he was also depressed. He'd also been sick a long time, he had his first heart attack and strokes over 13 years ago leading to a gradual decline where he ignored doctors advice and the help of everyone who tried to keep him healthy. I was only in my early 20's and trying to help him and dealing with the aftermath when things went wrong was exhausting.

Now I just feel like the worst child ever - my Dad was always difficult but he loved me and was a good Dad. I feel like I've failed him and I don't know how to live with it.

[tessa]

Hi KatSC,
For what it's worth, I also feel like I didn't take care of my dying father as best as I could. At the time, I had work pressures plus I didn't know he was dying. I just thought he would live forever, I hadn't met death at the time. I left it to my mother to take care of my father.
When dad passed away, I felt bad. I put work before my father. I should have spent more time with him.
What I did was, I learned my lesson with my father. When it was my mother's turn, I put my mother first. If my mother wanted something, I would even take the day off work to go find it for her. Whatever she wanted, she got.
It didn't make up for my not spending time with my father but I made sure I didn't make the same mistake with my mother.
They say that hearing is the last thing that goes. Maybe your father can still hear. You could speak to him.
 

[KatSC]

Thanks for your kind words Tessa, I knoe that mine probably isn't an uncommon situation but it's nice to hear that - I'm definitely going to do better with my Mum

I've been sitting with him the last few evenings, the first day all I could do was cry but yesterday I sat on the edge of his bed and talked to him. One of the sad parts about him having been sick so long is that a lot of the good memories of him as he was have been superseded by the memories of him unwell. But I tried to think back to my childhood and talk about the fun things we used to do. I told him that I loved him and I was sorry I didn't visit enough.

He kind of opened his eyes but the were rolled up so I don't know if he was aware. The awful part was when he suddenly cried out "help me!" a couple of times I got the nurse, she said he might just be having a nightmare but it's still haunting me and I don't know if I should've done something else.

For now it's just a waiting game - no-one can tell me how long he has left I was told 3 to 10 days. I still have to go to work so I'm trying to compartmentalise  and popping paracetamol to cope with the stress headaches.

My Mum told me that the next few days would be about saying goodbye so that's what I'm trying to do. But all I want is for to have more time with him.