My dad passed away

[Pariah]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here and I found the forum through google searches. I am at loss and wanted to reach out to people for support.

My dear dad passed away exactly 2 months ago on 30th March 2018. It's been two months and yet I am grieving so badly and I feel so so sad. I feel like something has been ripped away from me and it is all-consuming. Although I also indulge in thoughts of my father, I don't want to let go of him and I miss him so very much. My dad died aged 88 years old and he suffered for a long time. He had muscular dystrophy and a myriad of cardio / high blood pressure illnesses, which made him wheelchair bound when I was 14 years old. I am now 32 and my poor father suffered so much over those 18 years. I remember my dad going from walking with one stick, to two and then wheelchair... slowly losing use of each of his arms due to the horrid illness. Right at the end my dad was under palliative care for 3 months. He was on end of life care but then he was doing a little better, and then, two weeks later he went into hospital for his last admission and his sad demise. My daddy always came back from the hundreds of hospital stays he had, but he didn't return from the last one. I'm sorry I'm not writing very coherently.

My dad was gravely ill and I was with him the whole week before he died and watched him slowly die away. It all keeps on returning to me in flashbacks. I feel so distraught and heartbroken. My mum also has dementia and she's unwell too, I've been trying to look out for her. But I feel like I have to put my own mask on before I can help her breathe. My family are religious and I am atheist so I feel so lonely. I can't connect with my family in this time of great sorrow and neither can I change myself. I just feel so sad and lonely. I do have a loving husband but I fear I am pushing him to the edge too. He's been wonderful but only so much he can do. He can't fill the whole left in my heart. I think I have to manage my expectations of him and therefore here I am. Trying to seek some friends who are also grieving. I just started some therapy so I hope that would help too. Although I find it just helps to bring up everything right to the surface. It's hard to breathe with it all. 

I was my daddy's baby, the youngest and it hurts so much. I keep on looking at old photos and keep on crying. But I don't get any peace. In some ways, I indulge in my memories of my father, I'm not ready to let go. I just miss him so terribly. I also had a somewhat complicated relationship with him and my mum. Our religious differences always got in the way and it was hard. But we mended our relationship and the last few years were great, we have good memories. But I feel so sorry for losing years with him and now I am the one at loss. 

Sorry I have just gone on and on. Thanks for reading.

Pariah x

[reader]

Dear Pariah,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Please know we are here with you and you can talk as much as you like to us.

I know its extremely hard to lose a parent. The grief will take time to work through.

Thinking of you. Sending you thoughts and prayers.

[KatSC]

I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how sick they get nothing prepares you for the death of a parent.

You're Dad was lucky to have you - complicated relationships don't mean you love each other any less.

Make sure you take care of yourself - like you said - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Give yourself a little time and the space you need to grieve.

[tessa]

Hi Pariah,
Hang in there. It's gets less hurtful as time goes by. It's still very new and the emotions are very raw. With time, the emotions soften.
I"m at the 10 month mark, it's a lot better than 8 months ago. I still miss my parents. I still have unanswered questions. But I can function now.
I am sorry for your loss.

[Pariah]

19 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Pariah,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Please know we are here with you and you can talk as much as you like to us.

I know its extremely hard to lose a parent. The grief will take time to work through.

Thinking of you. Sending you thoughts and prayers.

Thank you reader, I appreciate your kind words. I feel like I sometimes just need to rant to get it off my chest. I am constantly thinking of my dad and I just miss him so much. In some ways I don't want to get over it as I fear losing him from my mind, but at the same time, the pain is hard to bear. 

I hope one day I can think about my dad without tears and remember the good stuff.

Pariah x

[Pariah]

10 hours ago, KatSC said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how sick they get nothing prepares you for the death of a parent.

You're Dad was lucky to have you - complicated relationships don't mean you love each other any less.

Make sure you take care of yourself - like you said - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Give yourself a little time and the space you need to grieve.

Thanks KatSC, you're so right that nothing can prepare you. I think I went through a very prolonged phase of anticipatory grief. I remember even few years ago when I went on holiday and I was always so worried my dad might fall ill and I'll have to rush back. I always bought travel insurance just in case of emergencies relating to my dad. I remember talking to friends casually about my dad's very terminal illness and his state and they would always feel sorry for me. But I spoke about it so clinically, this had been my reality since a teenager and it gradually got worse. This cause very heightened anxiety. It is weird that now that he is gone I feel the same anxiety for my mother now. I fear losing her too. 

Thank you, I hope so. It was very traumatising at times given that we were so different and I really didn't want to hurt or disappoint my parents. But I always thought I also owed it to myself to live my life and challenge my dad's ways of thinking as change does not come easily. Yet you know, my dad really did step up. I put him through many tests and changes and despite him being upset with him, he was always there for me. This is what I felt so acutely right after his death. I don't have my father's security anymore. It's weird because I am not dependent on him but I feel partly orphaned. My mum is so fragile I am just trying to look out for her. But I think I also infantalise her sometimes. I am just trying to protect her from pain. I feel so much for her too. You're right that despite the complications we still had love. I was always there for my dad as much as I could be and this is why it hurts so much. I really miss my dad. You know he used to always smile for photos. His condition never took away his smile or inner happiness. He was very content with what he could still do with his limited capacity. I have so many photos of my dad smiling away with his oxygen pipes during his penultimate stay at the hospital and also in the ambulance. It breaks my heart. My dad was so sweet. 

Thank you, I am trying to look out for me too. I need to be more patient with myself.

Pariah x

[Pariah]

3 hours ago, tessa said:

Hi Pariah,
Hang in there. It's gets less hurtful as time goes by. It's still very new and the emotions are very raw. With time, the emotions soften.
I"m at the 10 month mark, it's a lot better than 8 months ago. I still miss my parents. I still have unanswered questions. But I can function now.
I am sorry for your loss.

Hi Tessa,

Thank you for your reply. I forget how new it is sometimes, especially since I know some people who supposedly moved on quite quickly. I have a new approach now which is to stop comparing myself to how others grieved. We are all unique and my relationship with my father was unique. 

I'm sorry to hear of your losses, that must be really difficult. I am glad to hear you are in a more functional place now, I hope you find more peace as time goes on. How was it around 8 months? I read somewhere that 3, 6 and 9 months are the worst. 

Pariah x

[Michelle1971]

Pariah, my condolences. Losing a dad is so difficult. It's been almost 5 months for me. The trauma of having to let go has eased. I am no longer dealing with feelings of anger why he had to go and why he had to suffer so much. But the missing is getting worse. Everybody who has been through this tells me that it does get better. That you will feel happy again. I have short moments of feeling okay again, but most of the time I am just sad. It will pass. We have to trust that it will. 

Hang in there. You're not alone.