My father just died.

[A person in grief]

Hi.

My father was much older than normally a parent of a 33 years old is. He had me when he was in his late 40s, and 3 days ago he died.

Our relationship was a complicated one. He was by no means abusive or anything, but we had rather strained relationship from time to time. He was a loving and a caring father, but not an easy person to deal with.

He had been suffering from consequences of colorectal cancer he had 15 years ago. He had a stoma, and he was in pain for the last 15 years. He wanted to die.

Though, I know that his death is the best thing that could reasonably happen to him, and I'm glad he's not in pain anymore, it still doesn't change the fact that I miss him.

This thought of the finality of his death keeps hitting me hard time and time again. 
I'm an atheist. I don't believe in afterlife, and so I know that he's gone. I logically realize it, but some emotional part of me just won't fully internalize it. It just keeps hitting me over and over "no, he's dead. We won't ever talk again. I won't ever see him again". Gone. 

What brings me down is that during our complicated relationship, especially in the last couple of years, we didn't talk. We weren't angry at each other, but I would get annoyed, and for some reason, I just couldn't stomach having a conversation with him. Maybe it's the difficult relationship we had throughout our life, or maybe because I am/was a selfish prick, a spoiled brat. I really don't know, but ...

If you're reading this, and you're still lucky enough to be able to do it, talk to your dad, call your mom. They're not here forever. There will be a day when ... that's it. There will be no way to talk to them again. For me it's my dad today. My mom is much younger, but after losing my dad I learned to appreciate this pure, real love that a parent has for his/her child. 

Sure, there are exceptions. Not all parents are good, but I think most of the time, they truly love you, like no one else ever will. 
They might do so in some weird stupid way, they might have their own psychological problems. They're humans, too, and yes, they can get super annoying, and boring, when we're teenagers, and also much later in life, but they're our parents.

Either by birth or by adoption. It doesn't matter.

You know, when I was a child, I was at times worried. "What if they adopted me? What if I'm not their real child?". Some kids go through it. And though, if you look at my dad's pictures from around the same age I am today, you would think that these are my, slightly photoshopped pictures, with a black and white filter, but what I realize is: even if they did adopt me... who cares? Today I know that even if I was told that with an absolute certainty, it wouldn't change anything in my life, or in my feelings towards them. It wouldn't shock me at all. I couldn't possibly care less. 

They are my parents, biological or not, and not a thing in my feelings towards them would change no matter what.
And now, one of them is gone.

I had to write it. I had to express my emotions, something that is generally difficult to me, being on a spectrum and also with all these stupid social expectations of men.

I just wanted to say that my father died, that I will never talk to him again or see him, and that I miss him dearly and regret being a total douche, and avoiding him and getting annoyed by him.

my father......

[sadandlost]

Dear A person in grief,

I'm very sorry for your loss.  We are all on this forum because we lost someone and in this particular section because we lost a parent.  So we know how it feels.  As I am now 15 months into losing my mother I can tell you that grief is very complicated and has many layers.  As time goes on you will discover this.  Whether you had a complicated relationship or a very close one, grief uncovers so many layers of emotions that you never envisaged and those emotions evolve into different ones and then back to the raw ones, the shock ones, the guilt ones and it goes on back and forth like this.  We all carry guilt, its probably the hardest one to deal with.  if you read other peoples stories you'll see we all go through the should have, could have endless cycle of wishing we did things differently.  Right now the shock of death and the finality of it is with you and I know how painful and difficult it is.  It takes a long time to process losing a parent.  Just when you think you are getting used to a different life, a life without them, the overwhelming sadness is back like it all happened a few weeks ago.  Take the time you need to process your grief.  Try not to be so hard on yourself, the process of loss is brutal enough as it is.  

[reader]

Dear A person in grief,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your words with us. I think a lot of us can relate to how you are thinking and feeling. Me too, my friend. I too wished I had talked to my dad more. I just never knew how I was going to feel that the finality of his passing hit me. It's really hard.

Please know we are with you and here for you.

Take care.

[A person in grief]

Thanks for the responses.

[Pariah]

Hi A Person In Grief,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was in tears reading it. It actually felt like I was reading about myself. Long term illness is horrid, especially to watch one's perfect and strong parent slowly deteriorate and become child-like. Losing a parent so young is hard and also when social convention often uses religion to help with grieving. I am like you an atheist and I have really struggled with the fact that the loss of my father is permanent. I won't be meeting him again. It is heartbreaking.

I hope you find some peace through your grieving process. It hurts like mad but maybe one day we'll cope better.

Pariah x