What do I say, or not say to someone losing their father

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Hi Everyone,

About two weeks ago when my mom had emergency surgery, I met a woman in the SICU waiting room and we bonded. We’ve become close in sharing about the worry and fear of losing our parents (my mom is critical and her father is further along). We’ve shared our previous experiences with deep loss and what it’s like to be the caregiver, amongst our siblings and the relationships with them and our parents and being the ones having to lead in our situations. Her father’s condition has declined and now she has to make the decision to shut off his machine and let him go. He’s had too much brain damage from lack of oxygen to his brain. Although I know there is nothing I can exactly say, or do to change the situation for her...I’m wondering if any of you are able to share your experience of things that helped you during your time of great distress and heartache? Right now, I listen and have shared what I had to do when I made the choice for my first brother that passed (who we had to make that kind if choice for)...but it wasn’t my parent which is a completey different type of loss...and grief is so individual. I don’t want to say or suggest the wrong thing and so right now I am lending an ear, I definitely empathize, and have let her know, how speaking to a professional (trained in grief, coping and trauma) has helped me...is there anything else I should do? I want to be cognizant and step lightly because I’m aware that it is a really heart wrenching situation. What has helped you in the before and after if you’ve traveled a road like this? I also told her not to feel pushed by the doctors and hospital to do it until she has had a little time to come to terms (as much as one can...when there really is NO preparing your emotions for a loss like this) and plan for things she does have control over; like taking time off of work, having help with her kids, saying everything to him she has felt and is feeling, choosing how it will happen that day (we played my brothers favorite songs, I held his hand, we had our pastor there, even though they said my brother couldn’t hear us, I promised him we would be okay and I would take care of his children and anything else I felt was meaningful to us and him). I feel she should also have time to make funeral arrangements and all the other things that the one in charge is responsible for. They didn’t say she has to shut it off on a certain day, it’s just that they believe being on that ventilator, knowing it’s not going to get better, is not quality life. It’s a LOT..besides the fact that you are losing the one you love the most and and the decision is on your shoulders...I told her she is honoring her dad’s wishes (because he said he never wanted to live like that if something happened to him) and that she would be letting him go with dignity and respect for his life and what he wanted if that’s what she chooses. The other choice is to keep him on the machine and contiue to have him tube fed. Which is also her choice if she chooses. I did not try to influence her decision either way, I just said to make sure to take the time she needed and to set up her support system no matter the outcome. Ugh...my heart is heavy for her. 

[Dgiirl]

There really isn't anything you can say that will make it all better.  But it sounds like you are there for her, listening to her and providing good advice.  It's definitely a delicate dance between giving her enough time to be prepared and getting stuck in her grief in unhealthy ways.  The doctors definitely rush too fast, so its good that you are advocating for her to take her time.  But she also needs to slowly accept the inevitable.  I got comfort knowing my Dad made the decision to not be on a machine.  It's sure agony to have to make that decision, and I desperately wanted to in the moment, but my Dad already made the decision, and had we not followed his wishes, I don't think we would have had as much time we were blessed to have before he died, and I don't think he would have died as peacefully.  However, I got the most help and support from people who had experienced death and knew the pain I was going through.  There is nothing specific they said, in fact, many didn't speak very much, but they did share some of their own experiences and I took comfort in knowing I was not alone.  Just keep doing what you are doing, be there for her, mostly listen to her and let her know she isn't alone.

[Michelle1971]

You don't need to say anything really, just give her a big hug and listen to her. She might have the need to tell her story over and over again. That's what I needed when I lost my dad. If you do want to say something, what really helped me was when people said something 'I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This must break your heart.' It's much better than to come up with things like 'you'll get through this'. She is not at that point yet and even though apparently it's true (I'm struggling so much, 'even' after 4 months) it's just another platitude to her at this time. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

16 hours ago, Dgiirl said:

There really isn't anything you can say that will make it all better.  But it sounds like you are there for her, listening to her and providing good advice.  It's definitely a delicate dance between giving her enough time to be prepared and getting stuck in her grief in unhealthy ways.  The doctors definitely rush too fast, so its good that you are advocating for her to take her time.  But she also needs to slowly accept the inevitable.  I got comfort knowing my Dad made the decision to not be on a machine.  It's sure agony to have to make that decision, and I desperately wanted to in the moment, but my Dad already made the decision, and had we not followed his wishes, I don't think we would have had as much time we were blessed to have before he died, and I don't think he would have died as peacefully.  However, I got the most help and support from people who had experienced death and knew the pain I was going through.  There is nothing specific they said, in fact, many didn't speak very much, but they did share some of their own experiences and I took comfort in knowing I was not alone.  Just keep doing what you are doing, be there for her, mostly listen to her and let her know she isn't alone.

Thank you so much Diigirl. Your response and support means so much. I’m glad that your dad was able to make his wishes clear. I know that didn’t change the feelings you must have felt and still feel with grieving and I think that you are courageous for feeling your feelings and still honoring his wishes. I hope in time she will get to that place too and receive the love and support that’s so desperately needed. I will continue to be there for her and lend and ear and hugs. Xo

[Nicole-my grief journey]

13 hours ago, Michelle1971 said:

You don't need to say anything really, just give her a big hug and listen to her. She might have the need to tell her story over and over again. That's what I needed when I lost my dad. If you do want to say something, what really helped me was when people said something 'I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This must break your heart.' It's much better than to come up with things like 'you'll get through this'. She is not at that point yet and even though apparently it's true (I'm struggling so much, 'even' after 4 months) it's just another platitude to her at this time. 

Thank you Michelle1971. You are so right. I’ve had that experience too where I’ve needed to share and reshare what I’ve gone and am still going through. Thank goodness I’ve had a couple close friends that understand that and I’m grateful that you reminded me and that they knew instinctually it’s what’s needed. It’s what transforms loss and grieving. You’re right about not being at that place yet and and I will say what you have shared with me. My love and warm thoughts to you in the place that you’re at with your grieving. The fact that you and Dgiirl are reaching out and helping my friend and I during your own grieving is beautiful and I’m sending love and support back to you both.

Hugs,

Nicole