My estranged dad died four years ago, and I found out yesterday via Google.....

[JamieG]

Hello everyone.

I've come here because I don't have any idea how to start processing this. I last saw my dad in 2012. We were close in my childhood and teens but then various circumstances saw us grow apart. I last saw him in 2012 and we agreed to put our differences in the past and strike up where we left off. Stubborness, mainly on his part but mine too meant that there was just too much to get over and it never really happened.

Fast forward to last week, driving home from work, I was thinking, as you do, about if something had happened to him, perhaps I wouldn't know and how would I be told etc. etc.

My parents divorced in the mid-2000's and my mum and I were talking on the phone yesterday morning about her getting hold of her divorce proceedings paperwork for legal purposes. As we were trying to determine when exactly it was in the conversation, I had this terrible sixth sense that she wouldn't need to prove her divorce because my dad was probably dead. So I googled his name and town and up it comes - an obituary on the website of the local newspaper.

Following further research, he passed away in January 2014. I am an only child and of course my mum is divorced from him so she wouldn't have been in the running to know. I've got a copy of the will today and he was cremated. His sister, (my aunt - we too were close until we also grew apart for the same reason myself and my dad grew apart over something he couldn't deal with - he ended up with a gay son,) was the sole beneficiary of the will that revoked all previous wills just over a year prior to this death.

I'm reaching out for some kind of help as to how to deal with all of this. I'm so confused as to how to mourn my dad, who was still my dad and who provided for me with a good home, good education and good morals. I'm supposed to mourn something that happened four years ago! I can't understand why no one told me and they must all have had a good talk at the funeral about the "son who could not be bothered to turn up, thus cementing the suspicions." I think my aunt has engineered this and how on earth did she not think I wouldn't find out one day?!

I loved my dad in my own weird way and I've put on a good front over the years brushing it off but deep down, I always thought it would come right "tomorrow." Now tomorrow has run out, I feel hurt, angry, upset that no one called me in his last hours so at least I could have jumped in the car and rushed there to try and make peace, or if it was something terminal, allowed me to make contact in the months/weeks prior.

I feel so betrayed, lost, hurt, guilty, emotional, angry all at once. Finding out the way i have is completely "sick," I can never ever put this to rest.

If anyone has any words of wisdom.......much welcome.

Finally, my condolences to anyone else on here currently facing a loss. I never thought it would bother me - it's hit me like a train crash. My thoughts to you all too.

Jx 

[Dgiirl]

JamieG, my condolences on your loss.  Of course you should feel betrayed and angry and grief, it makes no difference that your father passed away 4 years ago, you are just finding out about it now.  In addition, you also might have some unresolved feelings, you were hoping your relationship with your father would get better and you never got the chance to do so.  I'm also sad to hear that your father had his own issues he was never able to get passed and your aunt never informed you.  It is sad that you were not given the chance to be there.  Whatever feelings you have, whether confusion, or grief or anger, all of it is normal and will take time for you to process. Be kind to yourself and let you feel whatever it is you feel.  Don't deny your feelings or keep them bottled in, but find healthy ways to express them.  Writing here often helps.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

I am so sorry for your loss and that you found out the way that you did. Also for the years of all that has gone on. Life and relationships especially with family are so complicated. I too have felt shock, anger...thought maybe I would have handled the loss of my second brother differently. Felt differently...But there’s no way to know what you feel and how you’ll handle it, until it’s there and in motion. I agree with Diigirl that you should go easy on yourself during this shocking, confusing and painful time. It’s hard to know why others didn’t reach out, was it their own grief that stopped them or not knowing what to do, or missed communication...hopefully one of them, somebody...will be able to help you gain some clarity that was there. As his son, you should have that. I can empathize with the emotions you said you are feeling.  I will be putting out prayers and thoughts for you that there is forgiveness and healing all around. Forgiveness of the people who haven’t reached out, forgiveness of the relationship or lack of with him, forgiveness of yourself (because you were doing what you felt you needed to do and protected your heart and there is nothing wrong in that and you have to know that and not beat yourself up over it). All that in time...because grief is a long process and with so many years of different emotions, you owe yourself the time to process it all. Letting it out and feeling it is the best thing that you can do.