missing my mom Lonely but shouldn't have to be

[Steph Rae]

Dear Everyone,

I am fairly knew to this forum, I first came here when my Mama passed away unexpectedly February 1St, 2018.  I have made a few post and gotten a few reply's to those posts but other than that, there has been very little communication here and I feel as though I have Noone to help me get through these feelings that my friends, well no one, understands about me.  Most days, I feel as though I can't move on. 

I am 41 years old and i have lost all grandparents, my maternal grandmother I took care of and loved her like my child (weirdly enough) when I was doing everything for her due to dementia. 

I lost my Dad to a massive stroke when he was only 58 and I was 20. I had a 9 month old baby and my husband was away in the Navy, becoming an alcoholic and surrounding himself with other women. 

When I was 22, I lost my only bility to squeeze my fingerssibling at the age of 38, from Hepatitis C in which he kept to himself that he had until the end because he didn't want Mom to worry her self sick. 

4 Years ago, my step dad that raised me from the time I was 2 years old, that loved me as his own, played the role of father figure and grand father to my son....suddenly got short winded bringing in groceries from Walmart.  I took him to the Dr 3 days later and tests revealed he had a rare lung disorder, Pulmonary Fibrosis and was given 6 months to live.  Within 2 months, his lungs would no longer allow him to have air and he died a very sad death.

My 20 year old son's girlfriend, whom i loved dearly went away to college last November and before she got through her first semester at JMU, she was dead from an overdose that resulted in a murder charge given to a young man that gave her too much of a drug that she was not used to having in her body and he sat in that apt, in a chair, and watched her struggle for air and eventually die instead of calling 911 for fear of getting in trouble.  She was a 19 year old honor student and cheerleader.

Dec 27, 2017, my mom suddenly started with diarrhea and stomach pain and was sent to the ER where she was diagnosed with c-diff.  Her treatment of Flagyl started but during those 3 weeks she deteriorated QUICKLY.  Despite my attempts to make the medical staff hear me, that my mom was getting alot worse and fast, they insisted she would start to get better.  By the time I made them send her back to the ER, she had Toxic Mega Colon.  The next morning she was rushed to emergency surgery to remove her colon and she was put on a ventilator.  12 days in STICU (surgical Intensive Care Unit) and each day she lost something.  Her ability to respond to my "i love you mom's", her ability to squeeze my fingers.  She had numerous strokes.  Lost her eye sight.  Retained so much fluid her skin was weeping.  then....she stopped all movement.  On the 12th day, late that night, after praying with our preacher and chaplain at the hospital....I decided I was torturing her by keeping her on the vent.  They removed it at 11:00 pm and she passed at 2:31am, only after 3 1/2 hours of struggling to breathe.  That was the most devastating, heart breaking, gut wrenching process i have ever dealt with.  My  best friend, my mom, my go to person...was in my arms dead.  I couldn't let here go for about 2 hours.  the med staff allowed me all the time i needed with her.  they closed the curtain and the door and i just lay there beside her, wrapped tightly in my arms for hours.  i wish i could hold her one more time. Or smell her, hear her voice. Kiss her.  i haven't even dreamed about her yet and its been 3 1/2 months.  I cant feel her.  I just want to feel her presence to know she is still here with me in any way.  Someone please tell me something.  I YEARN for my Mama every single second of the day.  Sometimes, I think "maybe I'm just going crazy".

 

thanks for your time,

steph

 

[reader]

Dear Steph,

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. I know this is an extremely difficult time. I'm so sorry there is not more activity or support from this forum. During this sad time, we all need someone to hold our hands.  I too needed more. I found this website Aging Care has more activity. Others I found helpful were What's Your Grief, Grief in Common, Grief Healing Blog, Grief Recovery Method, GriefShare.Org.

I'm not sure if you are on Facebook but there are also a lot of online support groups there that might offer more responses and possibly the chance of meeting someone closer to you. Try to reach out to the community and church. I feel during this sad time the more support and understanding we have the better. I know its not easy to find, but hopefully with baby steps.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers. Please know we are with you.