Are these flashbacks normal?

[Carlyg]

So, my mum had alzheimers for a looong13 years, I along wih the rest of my family were ready to see an end to her suffering after many hospital trips and late night calls from her care home, on the day of her death I visited in the morning and knew it was looming so took my daughter home, but before I went back I thought I would jump in the shower, as I did the home called to get there ASAP, I didn't make it in time she had already gone. This was October, I had to keep myself going and arrange her funeral, from there I just kept going, I did cry when it was just my husband and I around and feel like I grieved and didn't hold it in too much. My dad was completely unsupportive and left the funeral to me to sort, he never hugged me or asked if I was OK,  he even told me to "pack it in" when I cried at he funeral. I thought I was OK the last couple of months but the last couple of weeks I revisit that day, the day she died, it's like I zone out, even at work and when it happens when I come out of my daydream/flashback I'm crying. I don't get it, is this normal? Why is it happening now and like this?

[reader]

Dear Carly,

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Grief affects us all differently. It takes a while for our minds and bodies to process everything that is happening to us.

If you want to maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community or through church. Sometimes it helps to have extra supports and to talk to like minded people who have been through similar losses.

I know many of us on are on auto pilot when we are going through loss. There is the funeral and all the administrative things to do but we don't have the time to stop and think about our beloved parents and those final days or moments. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you work through these thoughts and feelings.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Carlyg,

My heartfelt sympathy to you. In my own experience, yes, that has and still happens to me at times. I was in “fight or flight” (all fight if you ask me) throughout December and January making funeral arrangements, cleaning and clearing my brother’s apartment and taking care of my parents and so I experienced delayed grieving and ptsd. Because I had experienced a similar situation when my first brother passed, I knew I would have to set myself up with professional guidance if I was going to breakthrough. My therapist reminded me that even “beginning” to process a profound loss takes 6 months to a year, with grieving continuing beyond that. That’s not say you will always feel the way you do now, because everyone’s grief is individual...it’s just to let you know to be gentle with yourself as you go forward and not put yourself on a timeline. The 5 stages of grief can happen out of order and just when you think you’re past one, sometimes one you’ve felt before, pops up again and it IS NORMAL. You’ve had years of overwhelming situations, emotions and our bodies hold on to that. Some caregivers/ family members experience anticipatory grief, delayed grief, and complicated grief. If you have the resources to see a therapist, I highly recommend it. You deserve that for yourself and the quality of your other relationships. You are important and having that support is crucial. I’m sorry that things were said to you and actions like touch (hugging), were denied to you from your Dad when you needed that the most. My dad is this way when he is devastated (we’ve had two experiences and are now going through a third surrounding my mother) and I think it’s because he feels if he does hug or have a heart to heart conversation, he is going to break and not regain composure. I’m also sorry it was during the time when you were taking on everything for your family with the arrangements and I’m sure countless other things. That has also happened to me. Our minds cling to those words because even though we know they were said by others under duress, it still cuts deep. Out of hurt and fear, a sibling of mine called me names and was screaming at me on Mother’s Day. It blew my mind because for him to yell at me, while I’m with my ailing mother 12-15 hours a day and keeping her alive just didn’t make sense. So, I took a step back from him, gave myself time to process and realized...he’s scared we’re going to lose her and men handle things differently than women. Also, people in general handle things differently. I told myself what he said wasn’t true over and over again and ultimately I’m the only one who needs to feel that about myself. What others feel about me is none of my business as they say. I’m the keeper of my own heart and sanity and so I rejected what was taking me off my course and away from my focus (which is my mom). When I thought about it in that way and stopped comparing who’s doing what (meaning me nearly doing everything and him in an emotional state where he can’t)…I was able to let go of what was said and forgive. It does nothing for my mind to carry that around when it simply wasn’t true what he said and did. It only made me feel toxic when I know I am doing the best for my Mom. EXACTLY as you have done for yours. I commend your strength. The shock or adrenaline or whatever kept you going, did it’s job to complete what was in front of you and now your mind and body are asking you to receive a different kind of help for coping. Share with others, but also definitely seek guidance from a professional in grieving in your area. I wish that for you and also to be surrounded by others (at maybe an Alzheimer’s grief group) that can share what they’ve gone through and you can too and feel supported and connected. Grief changes, it transforms (for the better in terms of feeling more peaceful at times) and the more tools you have to help yourself with the ups and downs, the better. 

Love and prayers,

Nicole