I am lost without my sister

[Gigi1959]

My beautiful middle sister suddenly died on April 4, 2018. It has been 6 weeks and 2 days without her. She just turned 55 the end of February... I am 58. She was best friend, we talked on the phone every Saturday morning. I have a little sister and mum but am not close to them... my sister dying didn't bring us closer either. I feel so lost, I feel like my heart is actually breaking. Some days I just sob like a little child and say I want her back... but I know that will not happen. I am not religious (neither was my sister) and I can't stand the clichés like... appreciate your life/people now. I did not have to have my sister die to know how to love and appreciate people or life. My sister made my life better, she was always there for me and I was for her. I keep searching for a magic answer as to when the pain gets better and always read/hear the same... it never goes away, but will lessen in time. How do I get thru this despair?! I have never felt so much pain in my life. Why was the only person I truly loved taken from me? (Rhetorical question). 

[reader]

Dear Gigi,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. There is so much pain and sorrow and its really hard to see when things get better. Please know everything you are thinking and asking is part of the grief. I find the first weeks and months and even first year will be very hard. Please know you are not alone and we are here with you.

Don't be afraid to reach out and get more supports. I couldn't turn to my family either. If you want to consider talking to grief counsellor, joining a support group through church or the community. Facebook also has a lot of good online supports as well. These websites really understand your pain and sorrow. What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog and Grief in Common.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

GiGi1959 sending you so much love for your heartache. It’s sounds like a beautiful relationship. A bond like no other and so of course you are going to grieve and grieve big. You are also going to months down the line, find your footing and transform this grieving into a beautiful, powerful, story about you and your life with your sister. It takes time to get to that emotional place. but you will and you’ll go on and eventually be able to smile more than, get sad when you tell stories about her. 

 

Lots O Love,

nicole

[careyboot]

sending you love. i feel the same way about my brother nick who died on may 9. he was 51 and i am 49. i am not close to the rest of my family, so i feel like, You left me with this bunch?! ugh. not to mention i am not married nor do i have kids and while that's fine in the big picture, i am really feeling lonely now. sending you love. 

[Gigi1959]

Hi Careyboot, 

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Thanks for your meaningful words. I am married but have no children but my husband is at a loss on what to say or help me. It's been 2 months and 6 days since my sister died. I had been seeing a therapist prior to her dying to work on my dysfunction with my mum and younger sister... and then this happens. We are still waiting on the autopsy tox report because we don't know why she died. Some days I truly don't know how I will go thru life without her. We were sisters and friends. She was my only true friend and the buffer in my dysfunctional family. I always wonder, why did she have to die? I will never have an answer... no one will. Please talk to me if you want. Tell me about your brother, your family, anything that you are comfortable doing. Take care.

[careyboot]

Gigi, I had virtually no contact with my other siblings before my brother died. Especially my other, older brother, and his family. I had cut off from them intentionally. When I decided to have my brother (who died) move in with me to help in his addiction recovery, my other brother ridiculed me. We have a long way to go to repair and reconnect, if it's ever possible. My brother who died was such a tender, funny, sensitive person. He simply cannot be replaced. I feel that part of me is in that other dimension with him now. He talks to me in ways that are hard to explain. I just have to keep listening. I am terrified I won't hear or see the signs in time. I love him so much. It's so confusing.

[Gigi1959]

Hi Careyboot, I envy that you can talk/listen to your brother in other dimensions. Today is 9 weeks my sister died, she was my middle sister. She lived in Portland about an hour away from me and my lititle sister. But we talked every Saturday morning for at least 2 hours. She knew me sometimes better then I knew myself. She saw the good in me because I have severe ptsd and depression from years of abuse. Growing up all 3 of us were close, but had a very dysfunctional family and abusive parents. My little sister and I don't have a good relationship  (same with my mum). They put me down and I am so used to it, it doesn't phase me anymore but the emotional scars still run deep. My middle sister was the buffer. I know she moved away to get away from them. I would see her at xmas, my birthday and my husband's birthday. Sometimes I still can't believe she is gone. My little sister doesn't wanna talk about her... I do. My sister was so funny, we would talk about movies or TV shows and make fun of certain scenes or actors, we would gossip about people she worked with, just talk about everything. I guess that's what made us friends vs just sisters. Your brother sounds like he was wonderful and I can tell how much you loved him by the way you describe him and wanting to take care of him. It's so hard, isn't it? We are still waiting on the tox report from the autopsy to find out why she died. Could be another month or two and the coroner said they still may not ever know. My little sister and mum blame her husband, but he isn't to blame... no one is. It just all sucks. The pain and emptiness never ends. Sometimes I feel like my heart is actually breaking. I have never experienced such sorrow in my life. I thought my sister would grow old with me... Talk to me again if you want. It's nice having someone to talk that knows how I feel. Take care.

[careyboot]

Gigi,

Thank you so much for replying. I know it sounds wacky but I think my brother is adept at the non-material world. I try to look for signs from him. Sometimes they are there and sometimes not. It's very hard for me to see photos of him, though. Today I cried a lot. I woke up early and worked a lot, but then broke down at about 1 pm balling. It's  hard to imagine getting used to this huge gap. I lost my mom 10 years ago, and yes it was hard. But this is harder. I didn't think it was possible, but it is.

[Gigi1959]

Hey Carey,

I know what you mean about the pain and huge gap. Tomorrow will be 2 1/2 months since Tina died. It feels so much longer though. And everything I read or have talked about with a friend (who lost her son to suicide 8 years ago) is just grim. We are going to live with this pain for the rest of our lives. It may or may not get easier... or comes and goes... or whatever the buzzword may be... but it is forever. Sometimes I don't even know how I made it this long. I miss her so much and sometimes I still can't believe it is real. It's hard for me to sleep at night... might sleep for 1-2 hours and then wake-up. It wasn't supposed to happen like this... why why why?

I talked to the pathologist yesterday and she will have the tox and tissue slides back in a couple weeks. Tina died from internal bleeding... but it is a symptom and we don't know the cause. She didn't drink, smoke, had no health issues... it is a mystery and a shock. I keep thinking if I know why, like she had cancer or something than I wouldn't feel guilty... I keep thinking I should have seen or known something. I sound crazy... but you know what I mean? You just feel helpless and wish you could do anything to have prevented them from dying. Sorry to go on and on. It's comforting to talk to someone that (unfortunately) knows how I feel. I have never experienced such pain in my life... I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The only thing I can say about this pain and the death of my sister is that I don't think there is anything that will ever make me sadder. Take care. Talk to me again... or whenever you want... about how you are feeling or anything.

[careyboot]

Gigi, 

I have been taking medication to help me sleep. I wonder if you can't see a doctor to talk to them about getting something to help you sleep. Every day this week I have broken out sobbing at some point during the day. A friend of mine just called me after a business trip and I know she was trying to be helpful, but she was not. "What are you doing? Are you working? Are you spending time with people? What are you doing to help yourself?" Uhhh. It was kind of unbelievable. I realize people don't know what to say, and I know she meant well but I brushed her off and there was nothing fun about it for either person.  I told my friend I didn't feel like giving a report on what I've been doing to help myself. I told her it would be nice to see her and do a hike or something like that. I totally got it that she couldn't understand. My mom died unexpectedly 10 years ago, and now my brother, who was the closest family I had. There is simply no way they can understand how this feels. But I also don't understand what to do. I can only be around certain people who are super caring. I can't be around people who make a point out of how busy they are or who have all the answers. I feel like I have this huge gaping hole inside of me. I have been drinking more than I know I should, too. The night before last, a photo of my brother when he was 10 came to my mind and I couldn't get it out of my head for hours and hours. I feel like my brother and my mom sent it to me. And every time I thought of it, I cried. It was like he was a child again, and so was I, and I cannot tell you how sad it made me -- as iif my 10-yr old brother died. Now. mind you, my brother was 51 when he died. He wasn't 10. He was a grown man. But it was like I had been transported in time to when he was a child. He was such a tender person and his heart was so broken. I miss him so much. I also keep thinking of the look he gave me right when he was dying. His eyes looked into mine, even though he was supposedly in a coma. I am balling as I write this. But any time I think of it it makes me so incredibly sad. I know I need to find some kind of grief group but I'm having a hard time pulling it together. Some days are just really really fucking hard. I don't want to over dramatize or make things worse, or ruminate or dwell, but this is really really hard. 

[Gigi1959]

Hey Carey,

You're not being dramatic and it's okay to go over (and over) things if you want. I want you to say whatever you need to. I know exactly what you mean about talking to certain people. I talk to AJ (Tina's husband everyday either messaging or on the phone)... we never use to be close and now we are. My little sister won't talk to him because she blames him for Tina dying. And she/my little sister and my mum don't talk to me... when they do they are mean. This is nothing new, you would think death would change people/your fam... but it doesn't in my case. I too have a couple close friends that don't say jack... like I feel like I have to joke around and keep it light and not bring up Tina. It sucks and makes me angry. Oh, my mum dropped off boxes of mine and Tina's stuff a couple days ago. I went thru the boxes... there were pictures she drew in grade school, her report cards and there was a red satin baseball jacket I bought her when she was 12 y/o. I never knew she kept it after all these years. I thought looking at her stuff would make me happy or feel connected... all it did was distract me for a while and then it was all surreal... like, I can't believe she is gone. I too was looking at pics of her athat xmas when I was 7 and she was 3.... she was so little and cute... and now she's gone. If someone told me my sister would die when she was 55, I would have laughed or said they were crazy.

I think you did look into your brother's eyes, really. I read that even when people are in a coma they can still feel your presence. I see my med nurse next week... oh, I have been getting physically sick from the stress of losing Tina. Went to Dr yesterday and last month... I am never sick. And, I retired almost 2 years ago after working 32 years for government.... while I get a monthly pension it is not enough to pay for health insurance (I am too young for ss) so... I will have to go back work like next month. I was gonna go to work sooner but Tina died and you know the rest. Tina was my rock, my cheerleader, my everything. I am afraid without her. She always had my back. And why are the people that you think you know the most such assholes?! When my best friend's mom died I called him all the time... all I get from him is crickets. Yeah, I thought about joining a grief group too but I would want it to be non religious. I don't care if others pray or believe in god... I would just lose it if anyone said God wanted your sister or some shite like that. (If you believe in god, sorry if I offended you). I was raised Catholic and went to private school... but stopped believing over 30 years ago. Sometimes I forget to check this site. If you ever wanna email me I'm at cherryredcat@aol.com. Or not... Talk to me again about anything.... take care.