Do you have someone you can confide in?

[BSL]

Hi All,

I was thinking the other night, as I was feeling despair and longing for my wife, that I really don't have anyone left that I could talk to, or text any more. It has been over 2 1/2 years since she died. As time passes, even the friends that have gone through loss, are fading away. I feel like whatever I say would fall on deaf ears, that I sound repetitive. The other week, I had something that triggered my mind to go back and relive the horrible last 4 days of my wife's life, and I just felt there was no one left to talk to. 

I've tried group sessions with fellow grievers, but did not find it beneficial. It seems this forum is the closest to talking to someone. 

I know everyone here is on different timelines in their loss. Does anyone else feel this way?

B

[ModHerc]

Hi BSL,

I am very fortunate on this front that I have a very good friend that I can talk to about my loss on a regular basis.  We are such good friends that he even feels comfortable telling me if I am rambling or getting repetitive, which he does, but only rarely.  I also have our daughter, my step daughter, who has been as fundamentally shaken by this as I have been.  She is 24 and we have a close relationship, so we talk about it frequently, which helps both of us.

You have been dealing with this longer than I have, so my experience may change, but what I have seen is that friends truly do want to help and listen.  The friend I mentioned earlier is very blunt, and always has been.  If it were truly getting on his nerves he would say something much more often.  I don't know if you have any friends that will be that honest with you, but if you can think of any you might ask them.  It is possible that your perceptions are just that, *yours*, and that your perception of your friends reactions are not entirely accurate.  I'm not accusing you, I'm just asking you to ask yourself if others think you are being repetitive, or if you are just feeling that way, and as a result have quit talking to some people about it.

I have noticed a lot of people that said they would be there, that frankly haven't been.  There are a lot of those types as well, and far more than the ones that truly do stick around.  Then again, I didn't really go out of my way to keep those friends engaged either, so some of that fault may lie with me.  I am sorry you are feeling isolated, and hope that you find some comfort in sharing it here at the least.  Wishing you all the peace you can manage,

Herc

[Nicash]

BSL,

 

I feel the same way. It’s been a year since my boyfriend died. “Friends” have flat out told me to move on or that they don’t talk to me as much bc of the sadness/negativity. I don’t have the support of any of his family or friends. I really don’t have anyone. It’s quite lonely and isolating. I’ve turned into a more fearful and angry person. 

 

Nicole

[BSL]

Herc, Thank you for your thoughts. I suspect you are right in some of the cases. It may be my perception of things. But in other situations, what Nicole is saying is also true. After you let out some of your pain to someone and the response is one that shows no recognition of the grief or outright lack of compassion or understanding, it makes you feel isolated. With time passing, I am even questioning myself, am I sounding like a broken record to myself even?! Should I be better now and suck it up.  

Our 2 boys ( I refuse to say "my" 2 boys) are 23 and 25, but I want to spare them when they are not ready to hear my laments. But for sure we have shared our pain together at times.

[KavitaHubby]

Hi BSL.

I am 20 months out and still feel need to talk to someone when the memories or something else comes up. I have made some friends from this group which I contact and discuss whatever would like to. PM me if feel like talking ever.

Peace

Manoj

[ModHerc]

BSL,

I think we should allow ourselves to sound like broken records.  More accurately I think that the chorus of the songs that are our lives involve our lost loves, and rightfully so.  I think your going back to the last 4 days of her life is natural, completely understandable, and I am sure unfortunately incredibly painful.

My wife passed quickly, while I was out wrapping her Christmas presents.  But I had been a caregiver to her for years before that.  She had juvenile onset diabetes long before I met her.  When we met she had already had a kidney transplant.  The day we married she was scheduled for heart surgery.  We decided she shouldn’t take my last name to prevent confusion regarding her previous medical records.  When she was buried, two kidneys from two sisters went with her.  I know how awful those last four days must have been for you.

These are the things that we can and will never forget.  And it is my belief we shouldn’t.  Years spent sleeping in uncomfortable chairs at the side of her hospital bed taught me that even in the most painful moments there can be beauty.  One of the pictures I have of her is her sleeping in a hospital bed with a pair of “hello kitty” earbuds that I bought for her that night.  The story behind that is far to long to go into, but the point is that even in that dark moment and place, and with her being unaware of it, there is something that was uniquely her about the moment that still brings some joy to my heart.

I don’t think there is a “better now”.  There is just the now, and our now is defined by the past.  I will relive the moments in which I found her forever, and most of the time it will bring me back to the shock and finality of those horrible moments.  And I will not apologize to anyone for it, nor blame myself, for those moments were pivotal in my life.

To those who have not been through the pain we live with it may sound repetitive.  But some of those who don’t understand will at least listen and try to empathize, though without having seen it first hand they may not be able to comprehend.  As for us, I am happy to listen to it as often as you need to say it, and I am glad you are there to hear it from me when I need to go through it again.  I don’t think Nicole’s viewpoint or yours is wrong in anyway.  What I am saying is that those “friends” may simply be incapable of truly understanding.

This lack of ability is something I am jealous of, guilty of in the past, and feel pity for.  I am jealous because I know they have never had to go through the pain we have.  I was guilty of it in that I am fairly certain before this happened I met someone going through it who I politely offered condolences to and then I moved on.  I feel pity because anyone who has not felt this has either not cared for someone as deeply, or is at some point going to lose that person or put that person through what we live with now.

Please don’t beat yourself up about what you feel.  Life does that to us enough without us helping it along.  You had beautiful moments with a beautiful person, and you should now feel the feelings that you need to feel without guilt.  I wouldn’t feel bad about listening to a favorite song, or rewatching a favorite movie, even a sad one.  I certainly don’t think you should “suck it up” over what is one of the most profound experiences of your life.  And while your friends may not understand, it is also possible that your words now will help them in the future.  I think you should say what you feel, and if they have a problem with it let them come to you.  If anyone ever has the audacity to tell me I should no longer care about my wife I will have two very specific words for them that would make her smile.  Hoping you keep sounding like a broken record for as long as I do,

Herc

[KayC]

Strange...we were just talking about this subject on my other forum this morning.  I have a sister I talk to almost every day, she doesn't know what it's like to lose her spouse, she lost her close friend, but there's things that come with a spouse that don't come with a friend...like when she falls and injures herself, she still has her spouse to take care of her.  I don't.  Now that she can't drive beyond the grocery store, she still has a spouse that can take her places...I no longer drive at night and that limits me tremendously.  Her and her husband were not as close as George and I so their relationship is different.  I find many of us here were the ones that were close, that's why we're here, that's why it's been hard making our way through this.

After George died, all of my friends disappeared, like overnight.  But I made a new friend, Virgie, and just a few years later she lost her husband.  We spent a lot of time together, we had similar interests and could talk about anything, and we understood each other and what we were going through.  Three years ago she moved to TX to remarry and I miss her, a lot.  I can still call her, but it's not the same as having a cappuccino together in her living room.

I'm trying to make new friends...let's say I'm affording it every opportunity, but it seems to be a long haul.  Just because you get together with people does not always mean you click in that close way.  Sometimes it's more than that, it's meeting them at the right time, when THEY have need/desire of a close friend too.  I know a lot of widows, but it seems they already have their circle of friends.

I lead a grief support group, it has been good, I've seen the growth and changes in them so I know it's helping them.  We have a bond that is good and can call each other in between sessions, so perhaps friendships will grow out of that.  I'd say if one group isn't working for you, give another one a try.

[Sunflower2]

yes a few good friends but I work weekly with a therapist.  I can't expect my friends to be with me every step of the way.  I journal my emotions every morning.  keep reaching out.  A grief support group?

[BSL]

Manoj,

Thank you for your kind offer. I admit, that, in the 1st year, I felt that talking was useless and the only thing that would make me feel better was if my wife was alive. But, just as I have realized that flowing tears are cathartic, so can expressing my feelings and thoughts.

Herc,

Before my wife died, I was one of those that didn't get it, uncomfortable in the face of someone dealing with loss, not knowing what to say etc. So, I don't resent anyone that doesn't know what to do or say. But, it seems only people that have gone through this terrible journey, like everyone in this forum get it.

I think, in part, I'm putting some pressure on myself with "better now". Intellectually, I want to begin a goal to honour my wife, and up until recently, I knew emotionally I wasn't ready, but now, I feel as if I should be.

KayC,

That's insult to injury to have everyone abandon you in your time of need!

I'm glad you found a friend to talk to, one that truly knows what you've gone through. In a way, in my case, my wife and I had very few close friends, our lives revolved around our kids, so I guess it's not surprising that I have few that I can contact. I'm sure I can reach out, but I think I will be disappointed. 

B

 

[ModHerc]

BSL,

I think you honour your wife every day, simply by being yourself.  I also think she would be proud of how you have dealt with this difficult situation.  Doing something beyond that is very noble, and I hope you succeed.  I feel the need to observe that putting pressure on yourself because you feel you should be ready for more may not be the most solid of foundations.  I may simply not understand though, and I hope you have reached a point where doing more is fulfilling and rewarding for you, and brings you the comfort you deserve,

Herc

[KayC]

BSL,

I agree with Herc, that she would be proud of how you've handled things.  I know George would be proud of me.  They know it's hard for us, and if I know my George, he wants so much to help me through it.

[Sunflower2]

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

BSL,

I agree with Herc, that she would be proud of how you've handled things.  I know George would be proud of me.  They know it's hard for us, and if I know my George, he wants so much to help me through it.

i have to believe this or I would not survive.  The past week i felt he left.  I feel I lost the connection.  Maybe it was that reality of acceptance that he is gone that came knocking at the door.  Acceptance that sneaks up but I'm not ready to accept.   This morning the grief hit horribly!!!  The question again surfaced..."why why did you leave me?"  the intensity of the loss hit...the crying, feeling hopeless.  Not knowing I'm going to make it.   then I read in "my daily meditations for working through grief"  (This is my morning ritual.  It has become my "bible.")  

"tonight all of the hells of young grief have opened up again....the nightmare reality....wallowed-in tears...One keeps emerging from a phase but it always recurs." C.S. Lewis

"It comes without warning, the feeling of being plunged back into the freshness of grief....often we don't know what has set us off again.  And we thought we were doing better.  It is going to take us a long time to adapt to that loss.  It wont happen smoothly either. The gradual uphill climb out of the valley of despair.  It is more like the work of clearing a rock-strewn field.  With great labor the rocks are removed, but then the land shifts, the seasons change, and new rocks work their way to the surface.  Eventually the land will be cleared, but it may take a long time.  I will be gentle with myself, accepting the storms as part of my passage on the road of recovery."

 

To all beginning this journey I hope this gives some light behind the shadow.  We have to walk through it,

[BSL]

Herc,

Thank you for your wise words. I think the pressure I'm putting on myself could indicate that I feel I am ready to move forward. My desire to do something in my wife's memory is partly maintaining continuing bonds and partly that since our future together has been decimated, I have to find a new path. I am near the retirement stage of my career (I'm 58) and it's time. The intellectual stimulation will be good for me...I hope! (I haven't been able to complete reading a single book since my wife was sick).

KayC,

I hope my wife would be satisfied with how I've parented our sons. About a month before she died, she told me she could face death because she knew I could raise them on my own, I got mad at her for "talking like that", but all my energy with regard to the boys (young men actually) is to do what she would be happy with. I'm basically just doing my job, nothing that any other parent would do. I wish I had your faith; it seems you know your George is there with you! 

B

[ModHerc]

BSL,

Finding a new path, intellectual stimulation, and a transition moving into retirement sound like a much more solid foundation for starting such a project.  I was a little concerned that you were giving yourself unrealistic expectations and tasks before.  Congratulations on your retirement, I have about 20 years before I reach mine.  Neither of us will get the retirement we envisioned or deserve because we can’t share it with them, but we will both find the path we need to.  Hoping you don’t load yourself down with too much pressure though,

Herc

[KayC]

On 5/22/2018 at 5:56 AM, Sunflower2 said:

"tonight all of the hells of young grief have opened up again....the nightmare reality....wallowed-in tears...One keeps emerging from a phase but it always recurs." C.S. Lewis

"It comes without warning, the feeling of being plunged back into the freshness of grief....often we don't know what has set us off again.  And we thought we were doing better.  It is going to take us a long time to adapt to that loss.  It wont happen smoothly either. The gradual uphill climb out of the valley of despair.  It is more like the work of clearing a rock-strewn field.  With great labor the rocks are removed, but then the land shifts, the seasons change, and new rocks work their way to the surface.  Eventually the land will be cleared, but it may take a long time.  I will be gentle with myself, accepting the storms as part of my passage on the road of recovery."

Sunflower, I love CS Lewis, he's so authentic and he speaks from his own experience, his heartfelt experience.  I know how hard the pain of grief is, I also know there's no way to avoid it, we have but to go straight through it, feel the pain and all, for that is our way to process it and make our way through it.

BSL,

Yes, I do know our love continues still.  The only thing that happened was his body gave out.  Something that will happen to all of us someday.  But his love never faltered, he didn't change his mind or heart, he is just in another place and I know he awaits me even as I do him.  Unfortunately that one thing, his body dying, affected just about everything about my life...it means he can't hold me in his arms, he can't say the words he wants to say to me, I can't look into his beautiful blue-green eyes, I can't cook and bake for him anymore, we can't go camping together on the weekends any more, and when I'm on the platform at church leading the songs, I can't see him sitting in the back, smiling up at me, my biggest supporter and fan.  It's hard, this transition into life alone.  No one to consult about repairs to the house, or a report from the doctor, everything having to be winged alone.  But I know you will make it, if I can make it these past 13 years, I know anyone can.  George and I truly were joined at the heart, we went through everything together...to learn to proceed without them seemed unfathomable, yet somehow...I'm doing it.

[Jeff In Denver]

On 5/18/2018 at 8:25 AM, BSL said:

This probably happens to most people.  It makes a terrible situation even worse.  It's like being punched twice -  once with the loss, and again when people abandon you.

I am approaching 2 years and have gone from having a very active social life to virtual isolation.  I had a rare visit from a couple (I invited them) last weekend and got the annoying and insulting "move on" line.  They wouldn't accept my assertion that I had zero desire to move on.  It made me really mad, but I held it in.

As far as grief support groups, I don't find any appeal in them, but obviously others do.

This is not an uplifting video, but it helps describe how this is: 

 

 

 

 

[BSL]

On 5/24/2018 at 8:40 PM, Jeff In Denver said:

 

 

Thanks for that Jeff. Watching the video has echoes of similar sentiments that I feel we all experience. What struck me was the man who said, he would have a day where for a brief time he wasn't thinking abut his wife and he would worry he was forgetting her.

Even though, I know it intellectually that it won't happen, I think it is a driving force still, for me to want to talk about my wife, even though I don't have someone to tell. I post photos and memories on my wife's facebook memorial page for the same reason. 

 I watched a movie A Monster Calls, about a boy dealing with his dying mother, even though I know it will trigger painful memories, because....I think as time passes, and I feel like my wife is stranded on a desert island and my boys and I are sailing away into the future without her. And I'm trying to hang on to her.....

B

[KayC]

Over the years I've heard people worry that they'd forget their spouse, forget things about them.  I haven't.  If, in nearly 13 years, I can still remember his voice, how it felt when he held me, his smell, how beautiful his eyes were, what a kind and caring person he was...no, I don't worry I will forget him.  

It makes me feel good when I talk to those who knew him and still remember him.  Our church is comprised now mostly of people who never met him, many of those who were here have since died and newer ones have come.  While I'm glad for the new people, they don't have memories of my George, they don't know the man I'm missing.  It means a lot when one of my sisters mentions him or recalls something about him.  My mom loved him so much but her dementia forgot him the last couple years of her life, and that broke my heart.  But I know they've met up since and she's with him now.

[Jeff In Denver]

BSL, sorry about my sloppy editing.  I didn't mean to false-quote you.  Those were my words.

Personally, I don't worry about ever forgetting my girlfriend.  I think about her all day, every day.  I know that won't change.

I try to avoid giving advice or to pretend that I know what I am talking about, but I wouldn't worry about that, either.  She is a huge part of you, and that won't ever change.

Someone posted this excellent video here last year, and it addresses this concern.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GDTbtePHUU

 

 

 

[BSL]

Thank you KayC. I know it intellectually but emotionally, it still bothers me. I also can tell that I am slowly coming to terms with that too. I draw hope from you when you describe your wonderful strong connection with George still after 13 years!

Jeff, you didn't false quote me at all. Your feelings mirror similar ones I've had too. It's a significant reason why we become very careful about what we say or if someone asks how you're doing and you say "ok" and that's the end of the conversation.

But, as we are having this discussion, I realize, that, maybe it's only partly the fear of forgetting that bothers me. Maybe it's also that as time passes, and my sailing away analogy sort of describes it, so does my reality/world where my wife was in it is also receding into the past. What do you think?

B

[KayC]

I don't think George ever receded into the past...maybe somewhat for others, but not for me.  Otherwise how could he remain on my mind continually even all these years later?  How could he continue to mean so much to me?  How could I continue to miss him and look forward to being with him again.  I have learned to live in the present, but it's kind of like with a computer...you may be actively doing something on it but when you go to the task manager you see all of these things running in the background.  George is running in the background continually in me, regardless of what I'm doing in the moment.

[Jeff In Denver]

It sounds to me, KayC, as though you're doing what's right for you and are handling this as best you can.  I like your analogy of "running in the background."  That's really good.  He is a big part of you and that will never change.  If the afterlife is real - and a lot of learned people think it is - this short (relatively speaking) physical separation will someday be insignificant, as hard as that is to imagine.

[KayC]

Jeff, you are so right! It reminds me of a Bible verse...

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

[BillInMelbourne]

BSL I just turned 59 and August will be 2 years since my Peggy passed. Almost everything you have said here is the same for me. Not having someone to talk to is extremely difficult, I also was abandoned by everyone, I get it tho, they don't know what to say or do. I just go one day at a time. I run a large company, that hasn't been easy, am a caregiver for my disabled son, and have my 87 year old folks in the mother in law apt in the back. I haven't slept more than 4 hrs/night since she passed. And that's if I take a pill!! IDK anything about this stuff but I think that when those memories turn happy instead of sad then we will be healing, I'm not there yet, wish that would hurry up. Meantime I cling to God for help.

[KayC]

I wish they had a like button here.  Here's to those memories bringing comfort instead of pain, for me that has happened (I'm 13 years out) but it does take a long while for that to happen.