The anxiety and grief is creeping back in

[Sweetheart346]

1 year anniversary of my mother's death is coming up on the 21st. Mother's day being around the corner isn't helping my grief. It's hard seeing people my age come home from college and them getting to spend the summer with their mother. It's hard to not get jealous of people shopping for gifts for mother's day. Especially people I know. People will be posting on social media pics of them with their mom wishing them a happy mother's day. But none of the people who follow me on social media even know my mother is no longer alive. I'm tired of getting emails from stores talking about mother's day sales and gifts. I live in a different city now so I can't even visit her grave. I don't trust myself to drive hours down to visit since I'll be distracted with tears and anxiety. The anxiety I felt all last summer is slowly coming back. Counseling and talking to people about how I feel only helped a little. I've been having dreams again where my mother is able to come back whenever I want and visit. Knowing this is impossible in real life makes me depressed. I've also been having dreams about other people in my life dying. I fear the summer months now. I lost both my mother and grandmother in the summer a few years apart. I just don't understand why it had to be me who loses their only active parent in their life at 19 years old.

[reader]

Dear Sweetheart,

I'm very sorry. I know how hard it is. I feel the same way, why me?

Please know we are with you and you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Grief takes a long time to come to terms with. One therapist told me it could take up to 5 years to adjust to my new normal. One friend said it took her 4 years to be happy again. Others said around 18 months. I think it will always hurt but the pain will less in intensity.

Its hard not to resent or feel jealous for having their parents still. I still wished my father could have lived to 100,

Even if you cannot visit your mother's grave site, I think lighting a candle in her honor and saying prayer is still a good ritual to have.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

[sadandlost]

Dear Sweetheart346,

I'm sorry its so painful.  it was for me before the one year anniversary too.  The building anxiety, the bad dreams etc...  What I found though was the build up was worse than the actual day.  Mothers day is painful I agree.  I'm sick of the emails promoting products and gifts for mothers day.  I envy my friends that have their moms.  It is hard.  You are very young and I'm sad for you losing her at your age.  I too live in a different city and country from my mother and in a way its better for me.  Its more painful going back and she is not there.  Honour her in a way that is meaningful to you.  Wishing you less pain.

[emilyjoy]

Hey Sweetheart346,

I’m also 19 and I recently came home from college as well. I didn’t lose my mom but I lost my dad unexpectantly to a heart attack at the end of my first semester at college, 5 months ago. I can imagine the pain you will feel on mother’s day. It really isn’t fair. And honestly I recommend avoiding all of it because you know everyone’s gonna be like...”my moms the best mom in the world blah blah blah”. Skip social media for a day. It will only cause you more pain. Maybe do something that you’re mom liked to do today and surround yourself with family. I haven’t experienced father’s day yet but I think that is what I would do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My grief was suppressed during college but now that i’m out, all I do is cry. So, I understand the pain. My dads bday just so happens to be in the same month of father’s day too...geez thanks dad. Haha I think humor really helps with grieving as well... 

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.