Could I have saved my dad?

[Anabelle]

My died suddenly 4 months ago at 83. People will say he live a long life but I believe he could have lived longer. We found out that he was exposed to asbestos about 5 or 6 years ago when he started having trouble with his breathing.  Although he breathing was laboured, he still continued with his routines, adjusting to his restrictions. When he asked me to come help him change his bed, I couldn't believe what I witness. He was out of breath just lifting two corners of the bed as put clean sheets on his bed. This was 2 years ago. He continued to plant his vegetable garden, maintain his house, etc until a few months before he passes. My mom passes away 30 years ago so he learned how to cook,. Clean, shop for himself. Last summer he started having what I called episodes.  He described this shortness of breath which was relieved when he burped. I thought it was acid reflux and stressed that he get he GP to look at his heart, lungs, and GI.  He went to his cardiologist, everything looked good (bullshit), did an endoscopy,. They found he did have acid reflux but he GP failed to give my dad the prescription. Wtf. About a month before he passed away, he had an episode during the night which was usunal and freak him out. My brother called me just before I left for work to tell my dad wanted to go to the hospital and he couldn't bring him. I was kinda of pissed off because I was busy at work too..what makes him so special but begrudgingly I took my dad to the hospital. I explained how my dads shortness of breath was now more frequent and they did blood work, had on a heart monitor, did X-rays, did more blood... We were at the hospital for 10 hours. The specialist said that nothing looked abnormal and considering my dads age and asbestos exposure, the shortness of breath would be more frequent.  We went through Christmas and new year without incident but on Sunday January 7th, when I called my dad, he was upset. He said he had another episode during the night. He said he was very concerned and wanted to go to the hospital on Monday and didn't want to leave until he knew what was going on. I agree with him but remember what the doctor at the hospital told me. I didn't remind my dad but instead asked him to come over my house or go to my brothers house. I didn't want him to be alone. As usual, he declined. I called my brother so he knew and so he would call to reach out to my dad.   Later that day, I called my dad and told me he had another episode. I asked if he wanted to go to the hospital and he said no, he wanted to go the following day. I asked him if my brother had called, he said no.  I said to myself, wtf. I called my brother again and gave him an update and told him to call our dad as he listen to my brother suggestions more.  My brother did and convinced my dad to go to his house to spend the night. My brother asked him if they should go to hospital and my dad said no, he'd rather go the next day. My brother called my sister to make arrangements to drop off my dad at the hospital the following day and she would meet him there.  Although my dad spent the next 4 or 5 house happily at my brothers house, at about 12 am, he had another episode, and stopped breathing...he passed away at my brothers house. Thankfullynhecwas not alone. I keep saying to myself, why didn't we take to the hospital. Maybe he'd still be with us. I know I'm not a doctor... And what that emerengecy doctor told me and directed me to act the way I did... I've learned not to trust what any doctor tells me.  I'm really angry and guilt ridden. I missed my dad...i wish I could have said good bye. I didn't see this coming. It so hard to cope.

. 

lll

[JaneSometimesCries]

You have my sympathy!

You may not have had a chance to say goodbye in those exact words, but the loving actions of helping your father seek medical care, advocating for him, and keeping in close touch with him as he was struggling with symptoms are all beautiful expressions of genuine love and devotion. While it may feel heavy in your heart, I am positive he felt how much you loved him. So very many of us never do get an opportunity to say goodbye, and what matters most deeply is “Did they pass on knowing how loved they were?”  Your father surely did  

I am so sorry for the manner in which he passed, since it did leave room in your mind for doubt. However, you should be at peace knowing you are not a doctor and you did as his medical providers advised. Please remember, too, that people pass away in hospitals all the time; even if you brought him there Sunday, he may have passed on that night in a strange place away from loved ones. Only God knows, but there is no reason to think that your fathers’ length or quality of life would have been improved. Nor can you know if his passing might have been more traumatic for him.

Those are my thoughts. I wish you peace. 

[reader]

Dear Anabelle,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

I can relate to everything you wrote. There was a lot on your shoulders and you did the best you could under the circumstances. We all desperately wish we could go back in time and give our parents more time. I can't tell you how many times I have asked myself the exact same question. For a year and still now, I ask myself but I could have saved dad...could have given him more time with us on earth. It is horribly painful.

Take care your time to grieve and mourn. I find it takes the mind a long time to come to terms with our new reality.

Thinking of you. Please know we are here with you.

With love and hugs.