Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted April 14, 2018 Members Report Posted April 14, 2018 I lost one brother to cancer almost 12yrs ago when he was 33. We found out and then he died three months later, leaving behind his wife and two toddlers. It was Gut wrenching. Then my Dad had cancer and he survived a whipple surgery. We had all of family’s support then and people to help with tasks. Now, we’re all widdled down and it’s just My Dad and me doing everything. He sleeps in a chair next to her at th hospital. He’ so scared. Losing two sons and now possibly my Mom. He won’t leave her. Soon they will have the 50th wedding anniversary as long as she makes it.Then, last November I lost my 41 year old brother to heroin and fentanyl. I’m the one who found him. Now this week we found out that my mom has a tumor in her colon, liver, and lungs. I am terrified of losing her. I am so overwhelmed, scared, shocked, and exhausted. I feel like I can’t handle all of this. I know I don’t have a choice. I love my mom so much and we are so close. I literally have been doing my best to survive and handle my trauma, ptsd, depression and use coping skills I’ve been learning in therapy, but now I’m in at different state and can’t see my therapist. Before this happened I was thinking about checking myself in somewhere to help me with regaining my footing and working through everything. Now I can’t and I don’t know how I’m going to go back to CA to pack up my apartment and move cross country. I plan on being her care taker. Things are critical with her and I have been at the hospital everyday all day since I got off the plane. How am I going to take care of her, their house, my apartment/ move. And possibly have to deal with losing her if they can’t stop the cancer spreading. I have so much accumulated grief. I also have complicated grief. And I have fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, psoriatic arthritis, psorias and flare ups with extreme fatigue. Hope this doesn’t sound like I’m complaining...and spreading my woes...but I needed to reach out somewhere and I feel comfortable on this forum. I have to vent my thoughts and think this is a good place to do that. Thanks for reading it . It always helps me to get those thoughts out. Don’t want to hold them in. Please say prayers or good healing vibes. Thank you!
Members ModKonnie Posted April 16, 2018 Members Report Posted April 16, 2018 Grievingmysibling, I am so very sorry you are going through such a traumatic time. You've done all the right things--therapy, venting, talking to others. When I become overwhelmed, I try not to look at the big picture. I concentrate instead on getting through a little at a time. We will be here with you, ModKonnie
Members reader Posted April 28, 2018 Members Report Posted April 28, 2018 Dear GrievingMySibling, I am very sorry to hear about everything you have been through. I know its very hard. Sending all my thoughts and prayers. Thinking of you.
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted May 8, 2018 Author Members Report Posted May 8, 2018 Thank you ModKonnie and Reader. It means a lot that you read my post and responded. It makes me feel heard and less alone with my thoughts. I’m going to a caregivers meeting tomorrow and will hopefully get suggestions for resources and tips on how to take care of myself as well as my family. I’ll take that advice of trying to focus on one thing at a time and not futurize. I also met a wiman in the grouo lobby at hospital and we connected as we are going through a similar situation. It felt good to help her slow down and breathe. It reminded me that i should as well. Love and blessings to you both, Nicole
Members reader Posted May 9, 2018 Members Report Posted May 9, 2018 Dear Nicole, I hope your caregivers meeting went well. I'm glad you connected with a woman in the group lobby at the hospital. I find it really helps to be around people who are in similar situations and can be understanding and supportive. Thinking of you. Please know we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can. With all my thoughts and prayers.
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted May 10, 2018 Author Members Report Posted May 10, 2018 It did go well. Thank you! I was able to release my situation, feelings and emotions and they understood completely. I highly recommend it to others in similiar situations. I was also able to bring some of the tools I use in coping and help two people by sharing my past experiences. They helped me with mine as well. It was very positive and I will attend the next one. Today is the day I lost my first brother 12 yrs ago to adrenal cancer at the age of 33. I woke up today, I prayed to him for calm and peace and I received it. After a week of my Mom being cooped up in that hospital room. We decided to cover her with blankets, grab a wheelchair, the pole with meds, and went outside! They have a garden and we watched the sunset and prayed. We enjoyed it immensely. I also had good moments with Mom inside the hospital too today. She’s starting to be able to eat! Praise the lord. It’s small amounts, but her ileostomy is working. Love and light, Nicole
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