I don't know how to do this

[MargeeTx]

My 44 year old son, a twin, died last Tuesday of pulmonary embolism/ cardiac arrest.  We did not find this out until Thursday because he had limited info in his truck.  He was able to stop his truck on the road medium, then got out of the truck and collapsed.  He was never revived, not by EMT's, care flight, or the  ER.   

I am a recently retired RN and live with my husband, Mike.   I have a younger son who lives nearby and Jason's twin sister and Father live in Alabama.   

I still have not been able to cry.   I need help.

thank you.

[Tommy's mum]

margeetx I am sorry for the sudden loss of your son. As a nurse you know PE is sudden and often fatal, very quick. What a caring thoughtful man to pull over instead of trying to drive, he was thinking of other road users and did not want to endanger anyone else. It is actually pretty common not to be able to cry because the brain goes into shock and cannot immediately absorb the huge loss. You exist in a kind of bewildered sad state, trying to make decisions about funeral arrangements and letting people know what happened whilst your mind is screaming out "this is not true, it did not happen it is all a terrible nightmare". I don't know if you had an opportunity to see your boy after or if he has been buried already? It is such a devastating unexpected loss and just like a snap of the fingers your whole family dynamic has been forever altered. Losing a twin sibling must be hard too as they often have a stronger bond together. Everyone is affected by a death. It takes a long long time to finally accept that your child will not come back, but know he is not gone he is still by your side you just can't see him for now. You will see and hold him again one day just not for now and that is so heartbreaking. We have all been there too. My son was killed in aug 2015 just after his 24th birthday and I still struggle with his loss. My adult kids also have their individual struggles for acceptance it takes a long long time and much hard work and therapy to heal, and they do not want therapy. We all grieve differently, so do men and women so it is a confusing time for everyone. Talk to each other, try and make decisions together,  (some may not be able to make decisions,)  hug each other and accept any help you are offered. Try and sleep and eat when you can and let us know how you are doing ok?

[MargeeTx]

Tommy's Mom:

thank you so very much for responding to my cry for help.   I got to see Jason before his creamation

[MargeeTx]

I did not mean for the previous post to be posted.   I saw Jason on Saturday before his cremation.   Having worked as a hospice nurse for over 10 years, I knew what to expect.  My husband was a crime scene investigator prior to his retirement so he also knew.   His twin and younger brother were both devastated.   And, still are.  Jason kept his life close to his chest so we have only found a few friends to notify.

i just do not know if I can continue to breathe.

[Tommy's mum]

it is hard to breathe properly I found I could only regain normal breathing after about a year it was not a conscious thing just frequent swallowing and tightness in my chest. That is a classic anxiety symptom. Glad you had time to see your boy and say goodbye. It is traumatic but ultimately helps the reality to sink in a bit faster. We had not seen my boy for 4yrs as we lived in a different country and my kids had never seen someone who had passed before. In the UK only immediate family usually see a body if they want to different cultures. Although it was very upsetting my adult kids wanted to see him and say goodbye and they do not regret it. It is a personal choice some people do not want to but whatever feels right to the individual. You are a hospice nurse that has to be such a difficult job to do but so important for the patient and their family. However it does not help when it is you in the mourning seat. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no etiquette just going with your inner feelings.As long as you talk it all out over time holding it in is the worst thing to do because unresolved grief will come out in later years when there is a major stressor in your life and people won't get it. Just keep posting when you can. Most of us post on loss of a child and go on the thread Loss of an adult child by mom of Justin. It has a huge number of views and is where we all try to stay together instead of having multiple posts to answer. There are many Moms and dads all bereaved who can give advice support and an understanding shoulder to cry on please join us there.