anger and grief and regret all at once

[ksheja]

I'll try to make a long story short though that's not easy. 15 years ago I had a baby. I was not married to his father, who was an immigrant from Korea (not illegal). The last time I saw him he was 7 months pregnant, I had to go somewhere and when I came back he had left and I had no forwarding address (he had moved to another state to work). I had met one of his relatives a couple of times but did not know his name - they just called each other brother (though they were cousins - Korean custom). I did not know his SSN and there was no internet then, could not find him. Child Support unit in the county where I moved did not do a thorough job of finding him. Unfortunately his name is common and they served papers to someone with the correct name, but not the same birthday. I made efforts to find himself throughout the years by paying people (PIs) and found (probably) his family address in Korea and then someone found an address in GA. In my mind, I thought he was surely in Korea because he always said, multiple times, he was going back there, where his son from his first marriage lived. So I did not think the person in GA was him. I did not involve the child support unit. I just sent a letter there and I feel so stupid now because how did I know who would really see the letter. A lady called me and said she was his sister, he was in Korea and married with kids. I did not even think I had the right person because the lady, although Korean, had an American last name. Though my son's father had a sister in the US, she was not married to an American. Also, from the conversation I had with her it did not sound like the same person at all. I sent her pictures of him and asked her to verify ... never heard from her. Fast forward until this summer, when I asked a PI to investigate again, and came up with the same person in GA, but with the information that he was dead. He died in 2009, and the person I'd talked to could not be his sister - different maiden name. On my own I did a lot of research of the public records and learned he and she had been living in GA for at least 10 years, at various addresses - at some point they got married, not clear when. She had been married to an American, probably in the military, and had a son with him, that she had custody of.. so he was helping to raise her son while ignoring mine. Also there is a daughter, but don't know her name, not sure if she is his. He had told me he did not want to marry again or have more children... he lived in very poor conditions, working long hours, in NY, and drank too much and was unhappy. From 1995 to 2000 I don't know where he was because I have no record. I learned he took out a mortgage ($1800 a month) for a 4-bedroom 3-bathroom house (houses are much cheaper in GA than here) and she had a lease for a $970 a month luxury car... these things make me angry... because I was working enough hours for 2 people to try to make up the income, and struggle to pay for everything, no car, no house, and I never got any money from him and never got to establish paternity, which I realize is my own fault because I could have started a paternity suit 8 years ago. I don't know if the lady was acting on her own when she lied to me, or if he knew and she was covering for him. I just always believed he must have sometimes thought of me and my son all these years. If he had a half-Korean stepson living with him, how could he not think of his half-Korean son that he never saw.... Anyway they went bankrupt in 2005 with heavy credit card debt, not able to pay for the car or the house, lost the house, lost the car, but still were able to move into a nice new condo. But I guess his new life did not make him happy either. She almost divorced him in 2002, and the alcohol problem must have gotten worse... there are 3 DUIs from 2004 to 2006 and no license either. And then he died and I don't know what of yet, don't have the death certificate yet. I think I have no legal recourse now to establish paternity and at least get survivor's benefits from SS (he was steadily employed), The child support unit won't help me unless I can come up with his brother or sister who would be willing to take a DNA test. Sometimes they prove paternity after death using a blood sample or some tissue sample that might be available from the father, or testing of family members, but I don't have $5000 to retain a lawyer. When I get the original application for the social security number, which he got in NY, (anyone can get this if the person is deceased), it may have an address on it that I can use to track down his family members. I guess people can understand why I am angry and not why I am grieved... I did not want him to die. I knew if I had just managed to talk to him or see him he would have wanted to at least know something about my son. Even if I can do nothing legally I want to go there and find people who knew him and talk to them. And find his family members. And I just want the lady to know that I know she lied. He was right there for 10 years.. and I did not know. I was even in Georgia a few times myself.

[ModKonnie]

Hi.

I'm so sorry I didn't answer you sooner. It is not your fault the woman lied. You had no way of knowing, and trying to work and raise a child by yourself can be difficult at best at times. If you would have had any inkling he was in Georgia, you would have made contact with him. But you didn't know, and really, you are not at fault. It sounds as though you really worked to try to find him; you did all you could at the time.

And as far as grieving, well he was the father of your child, regardless whether you had seen him or not for years. Of course you would be upset. You had unfinished personal business with him, not to mention that maybe your son would have liked to have known him, and he may have wanted to know your son.I understand why you are both angry and grieving.

I wonder why that woman behaved that way? Was she afraid? Hiding something do you think?

What a sad situation for all of you. Let us know how things go if you contact any of his family members. Come back and talk to us as often as you like. We are here for you.

Konnie

[ksheja]

Hi.

I'm so sorry I didn't answer you sooner. It is not your fault the woman lied. You had no way of knowing, and trying to work and raise a child by yourself can be difficult at best at times. If you would have had any inkling he was in Georgia, you would have made contact with him. But you didn't know, and really, you are not at fault. It sounds as though you really worked to try to find him; you did all you could at the time.

And as far as grieving, well he was the father of your child, regardless whether you had seen him or not for years. Of course you would be upset. You had unfinished personal business with him, not to mention that maybe your son would have liked to have known him, and he may have wanted to know your son.I understand why you are both angry and grieving.

I wonder why that woman behaved that way? Was she afraid? Hiding something do you think?

What a sad situation for all of you. Let us know how things go if you contact any of his family members. Come back and talk to us as often as you like. We are here for you.

Konnie

Thanks ModKonnie. I don't have enough information to look for family members yet. I did get his death certificate, which is a public record in Ga, and he died of cancer. He was an inpatient in a hospice. I'd really like to know what kind of cancer but the cause of death is handwritten. It says ___ (illegible word) carcinomatosis. Carcinomatosis just means widespread cancer. Words that go in front of are usually generalized, peritoneal, abdominal, leptomeningeal, but the missing word is short. Even if they don't know the primary site they are supposed to document that. It says "years" under the section where it asks how long from onset of illness to death. I know most cancers are sporadic, but about 10 to 15% are inherited and I am concerned there is something like that here.. his was 51, and his mother died of cancer - he called in "women's cancer." I am not sure how old she was but I think not very old.. he was born in 1958 and she died in the 1980s, so maybe she was in her 40s or 50s. I am worried about something called Lynch syndrome.- if he died of colon cancer and his mother had uterine or ovarian cancer it could be that, and early colonoscopies are recommended. On the other hand, if he had lung cancer, I would tend to think his smoking was behind it and not genetics, and if it was the liver, might be due to alcohol. I learned his parents' names from the death certificate. I would really like to know more about the family medical history.

As to why she lied, I don't know. I am wondering what I would do if someone sent me a letter and pictures like that. I also do not know if she acted alone or if he ever saw the letter and told her to do that Or maybe she even had one of her sisters do it. . I think she was afraid I would sue for chilld support, which would reduce the money for their family, or she was afraid I would try to interfere with their marriage. It would not have wanted to impoverish him, a little money would have been nice though. I made much more money so just a little. At the time of his death his occupation was listed as janitor. It says the name of the funeral home and the crematory. I wonder if the funeral home (if I took a trip there) would show me the guestbook, if there was a funeral, so I could see who went. Now I learned all about cremation and I am kind of creeped out, although I know nothing good happens to bodies buried in the ground. I keep having terrible images of him being burned down to bone fragments, and images of what it might have been like when he was dying - how he looked and acted. I have never seen anyone die, only after they were dead. I called the hospice but of course they could not tell me anything. I made a small donation to the hospice in his name. I wish there was a grave site I could visit but probably they just took the ashes.

[ModKonnie]

Thanks ModKonnie. I don't have enough information to look for family members yet. I did get his death certificate, which is a public record in Ga, and he died of cancer. He was an inpatient in a hospice. I'd really like to know what kind of cancer but the cause of death is handwritten. It says ___ (illegible word) carcinomatosis. Carcinomatosis just means widespread cancer. Words that go in front of are usually generalized, peritoneal, abdominal, leptomeningeal, but the missing word is short. Even if they don't know the primary site they are supposed to document that. It says "years" under the section where it asks how long from onset of illness to death. I know most cancers are sporadic, but about 10 to 15% are inherited and I am concerned there is something like that here.. his was 51, and his mother died of cancer - he called in "women's cancer." I am not sure how old she was but I think not very old.. he was born in 1958 and she died in the 1980s, so maybe she was in her 40s or 50s. I am worried about something called Lynch syndrome.- if he died of colon cancer and his mother had uterine or ovarian cancer it could be that, and early colonoscopies are recommended. On the other hand, if he had lung cancer, I would tend to think his smoking was behind it and not genetics, and if it was the liver, might be due to alcohol. I learned his parents' names from the death certificate. I would really like to know more about the family medical history.

As to why she lied, I don't know. I am wondering what I would do if someone sent me a letter and pictures like that. I also do not know if she acted alone or if he ever saw the letter and told her to do that Or maybe she even had one of her sisters do it. . I think she was afraid I would sue for chilld support, which would reduce the money for their family, or she was afraid I would try to interfere with their marriage. It would not have wanted to impoverish him, a little money would have been nice though. I made much more money so just a little. At the time of his death his occupation was listed as janitor. It says the name of the funeral home and the crematory. I wonder if the funeral home (if I took a trip there) would show me the guestbook, if there was a funeral, so I could see who went. Now I learned all about cremation and I am kind of creeped out, although I know nothing good happens to bodies buried in the ground. I keep having terrible images of him being burned down to bone fragments, and images of what it might have been like when he was dying - how he looked and acted. I have never seen anyone die, only after they were dead. I called the hospice but of course they could not tell me anything. I made a small donation to the hospice in his name. I wish there was a grave site I could visit but probably they just took the ashes.

Do you feel ready to possibly contact some of his family? They may be able to answer every question you have about the health history of the entire family and other information you may want or need to know for your son. They may also be interested in getting to know your son. Are you ready to deal with that?

As for her lying, maybe you are right. Maybe she was afraid for her family, but still....

That was very kind of you to make a donation to hospice. It is a wonderful organization that helped my family through a horrible time when my father and mother-in-law passed.

Hey, keep us informed about what you think you are going to do.

Konnie

[ksheja]

Do you feel ready to possibly contact some of his family? They may be able to answer every question you have about the health history of the entire family and other information you may want or need to know for your son. They may also be interested in getting to know your son. Are you ready to deal with that?

As for her lying, maybe you are right. Maybe she was afraid for her family, but still....

That was very kind of you to make a donation to hospice. It is a wonderful organization that helped my family through a horrible time when my father and mother-in-law passed.

Hey, keep us informed about what you think you are going to do.

Konnie

I would like to contact his family but the only one whose contact information I know is the lady. She probably knows everything I want to know. But I don't know how she would feel about that. He had relatives in NY (brother, sister, cousin, nephews) but I don't know where they are now or even their names. His father was in Korea, don't know if he is still alive. He also had a son in Korea. he would be about 26 now,, and I have no idea if he came to the US or not. He did not live in Georgia with them, anyway. He had a stepson who is 20 now and there is a girl, now 12, don't know if she is his or not.

[ModKonnie]

I would like to contact his family but the only one whose contact information I know is the lady. She probably knows everything I want to know. But I don't know how she would feel about that. He had relatives in NY (brother, sister, cousin, nephews) but I don't know where they are now or even their names. His father was in Korea, don't know if he is still alive. He also had a son in Korea. he would be about 26 now,, and I have no idea if he came to the US or not. He did not live in Georgia with them, anyway. He had a stepson who is 20 now and there is a girl, now 12, don't know if she is his or not.

Well,

this is a thought--What about his obituary in the newspaper? Can you find that through his address on his death certificate? Look at the town he lived in, search for a newspaper and contact them to see if he had an obituary. Read it for next of kin information. You may get the names of other relatives. Then you can search for their adresses, contact info, etc.

Does the funeral home where his funeral was held have a website? Can you look that up, and see if anyone posted online or if there is any information you can glean from that? They may have an archive where you can look up old funeral information--I recently relooked up my dad's service and found all kinds of online condolences and things I hadn't realized were there.

You may get a name to get started with. In the meantime, maybe you should consider writing to the woman again, explaining everything you know, and tell her you don't want her money, you just want to know a few simple facts. Do you think she would still feel threatened?

We'll figure a way to get you started in your search for information. We just have to put our heads together and think of a plan. Maybe someone else has an idea that would work. People find lost families all the time, so it can be done.

Have a good night,

Konnie

[ksheja]

Well,

this is a thought--What about his obituary in the newspaper? Can you find that through his address on his death certificate? Look at the town he lived in, search for a newspaper and contact them to see if he had an obituary. Read it for next of kin information. You may get the names of other relatives. Then you can search for their adresses, contact info, etc.

Does the funeral home where his funeral was held have a website? Can you look that up, and see if anyone posted online or if there is any information you can glean from that? They may have an archive where you can look up old funeral information--I recently relooked up my dad's service and found all kinds of online condolences and things I hadn't realized were there.

You may get a name to get started with. In the meantime, maybe you should consider writing to the woman again, explaining everything you know, and tell her you don't want her money, you just want to know a few simple facts. Do you think she would still feel threatened?

We'll figure a way to get you started in your search for information. We just have to put our heads together and think of a plan. Maybe someone else has an idea that would work. People find lost families all the time, so it can be done.

Have a good night,

Konnie

I have tried so many times to find an obituary on-line in newpapers or funeral sites but I don't think they published one. I even Googled it in Korean but I didn't find anything. Unfortunately the funeral home is not one with a website. I could write to them I guess. I found a lot of information on him and his wife and her 2 sisters and her ex- brother-in-law,, but nothing on a relative of his. They may still be in NY. The difficult thing is that their last name is very common... it's the most common last name for Koreans (about 22% have it). and I don't know their given names. I don't have any information on where he was between 1995-2000 . I knew him in NY 1992-1994. He left no paper trail there. I did a paid people search and his address history is only for Georgia. I am waiting for the original application for the Social Security card. He got that in NY about 1992. This will probably have an address on it in Brooklyn, NY, which might lead me to family members. But this takes a long time, I guess Lots of people want these for geneology purposes. If I don't find anything from that I will write to the lady, because of course she may feel differently now. Good night..

[ModKonnie]

I have tried so many times to find an obituary on-line in newpapers or funeral sites but I don't think they published one. I even Googled it in Korean but I didn't find anything. Unfortunately the funeral home is not one with a website. I could write to them I guess. I found a lot of information on him and his wife and her 2 sisters and her ex- brother-in-law,, but nothing on a relative of his. They may still be in NY. The difficult thing is that their last name is very common... it's the most common last name for Koreans (about 22% have it). and I don't know their given names. I don't have any information on where he was between 1995-2000 . I knew him in NY 1992-1994. He left no paper trail there. I did a paid people search and his address history is only for Georgia. I am waiting for the original application for the Social Security card. He got that in NY about 1992. This will probably have an address on it in Brooklyn, NY, which might lead me to family members. But this takes a long time, I guess Lots of people want these for geneology purposes. If I don't find anything from that I will write to the lady, because of course she may feel differently now. Good night..

Hmmm. You may end up having to write to her. But don't give up. It make take longer than you had hoped, but you'll find something out if you keep trying.

Have a nice day.

Konnie