Members sussyqueed Posted July 21, 2010 Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 Hello, As I write this, tears are streaming down mym face and I again have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I first posted on the general 'loss of a child ' but was then directed to the 'loss of an adult child' section. I think I'm loosing my mind so, here's my story.Hello, Just this morning while driving home from a short shopping trip, I started to cry. I’m not sure what it was that I saw or remembered that brought the tears. Maybe just the fact that it was Saturday and I thought about the many times my son, daughter-in-law and grandson would go out shopping or to breakfast. Whatever it was, the tears were uncontrollable and the hurt in my gut was gripping. It has been almost 5 months now since my oldest child, 37 year old son Joshua, died of a sudden and unexpected massive heart attack. For the last 10 or so years, he and his wife and child have lived just 2 doors down from me so I saw them often and was very close to my son. Joshua was the most kind hearted person and was always there to help. Because I am disabled and have a difficult time walking any distance, he helped with out complaint if I needed the trash taken out or and errand run. Joshua was a big man with a big smile and a big bear hug. He was also diabetic. The night that he died, I heard the sirens coming up the street and always, when you hear something like that, you hope that it isn’t for a neighbor or friend. But they stopped and as I left the house as quickly as I could to check on things, there they were, the fire trucks and ambulances in front of my son’s house. The house was filled with chaos and my daughter-in-law and grandson were on separate ends of the couch wailing. I grabbed my grandson and asked him to pray with me. No amount of prayer that night could fix what had just happened. Joshua, my first born, the kindest, sweetest most loving man I’ve ever known was dead. I remember bits and pieces about the rest of that night but not all. I know that family and friends quickly showed up at the house while the EMTs were there and I remember someone covering me with a blanket. The paramedics had asked us to go outside of the house. It must have been cold. In fact, all that I can remember about the first week and a half is crying and family bickering. But, my son was gone. There was no band aid, no pill, so magic that could bring Joshua back. It has been about 5 months now since that horrible night. My daughter-in-law packed up, abandoned their home and left the state with my grandson in tow. I weep for the loss of my son every day. I weep for the loss of being able to see my grandson almost every day. I weep because this is far beyond the worse nightmare I could ever have and nothing that I do can change the fact that he’s gone. I miss him terribly. I miss my grandson terribly and am so angry at his mother for taking him away from the only family and home he's ever known. Now, she won't let me speak with him on the phone and does not respond to emails. I still have trouble looking at photos of Joshua and Matthew. I can’t listen to music. I don’t want to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to and I don’t want to talk to anyone except a select few. I have no appreciation right now for the summertime. No one could possibly imagine the pain of loosing their child unless they’ve been through it. Never in my right mind did I think that I would loose one of my children. It’s not supposed to happen that way. Parents go first, not children. He was only 37. He was loved by dozens of friends and all of his family and especially by me. Yes, I went through grief therapy which helped a bit but it doesn’t fill the hole that has been left in my heart. Reason tells me that things will get better with time. Reason tells me that I am not alone in this. Right now I feel drained and would rather sleep the day away, forgo my morning shower or sit in a corner with numbness at my side. Reason isn’t working very well. I am angry at Joshua's wife for taking my grandson away and for ignoring his physical and emotional needs. I am angry at her for not taking better care of my son. He worked 6 days a week while she sat on her rear and watched TV...selfish, self centered and lazy. I'm angry at myself for just 2 weeks ago I was told that I too am diabetic. Could I have done more to help him? I cry and my heart aches for the loss of not only my son but grandson as well. She has cut off all communication and will not let me talk with him on the phone. She doesn't respond to email. Life will never be the same. I hope to gain some comfort from this group. I hope to get part of my life back. Thanks for listening. Sue This was in part added today:The tears I shed should be for all of the mothers who have lost children at any age and under any circumstance. My logical half tells me that my situation is not as bad as others. Joshua was diabetic and although he was trying to take good care of his health, it just wasn’t enough. My not so logical self is mean and spiteful. Some days I just want to die but would never resort to anything drastic because of my loving daughters, mother and other relatives who have been so supportive. Some days, like yesterday, I feel like I am going to loose my mind and ache inside at any sight or sound of anything that reminds me of Joshua. Then, the tears will not stop. Why, oh why can God be so mean? I want to scream. I want to see Joshua's face again and give him a hug and tell him that I love him. Then there is the daughter-in-law who is so selfish , thoughtless, mean spirited….the person who deprives me of the right to visit with the grandchild. I need to ask God to forgive me for all of the ugly thoughts I have towards that person. She’s already seeing another man and has their ‘happy’ photo posted on Face Book! If lightening could strike…….. As it has been said, things will soften with time. For me, it has only been 5 months. My youngest daughter was very close to Joshua and Matthew and is not handling it well either. I am not looking forwards to the holidays..none of us are. I used to be a strong person. I raised 4 children as a single parent without the aid of child support. I had a fantastic, well paying job and a great home with four wonderful children. If the kids asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I would just tell them that I wanted a happy family. Now, we are torn apart. My health in the last 2.5 years has gone south and I am now disabled, I lost my job because of it and then I lost my son and grandson. Two months ago, it was confirmed that I am also diabetic. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I hope that time will be a healer. I pray that Joshua is happy, wherever he is. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers the agony of loosing a child. I am grateful to people like you who share their story and listen to mine. And I hope that when I pass from this world, that I will be able to once again see my son. Thanks again for listening.Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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