Loss of my beloved son Joshua-I can't handel this

[sussyqueed]

Hello,

 As I write this, tears are streaming down mym face and I again have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I first posted on the general 'loss of a child ' but was then directed to the 'loss of an adult child' section. I think I'm loosing my mind so, here's my story.

Hello,

 Just this morning while driving home from a short shopping trip, I started to cry. I’m not sure what it was that I saw or remembered that brought the tears. Maybe just the fact that it was Saturday and I thought about the many times my son, daughter-in-law and grandson would go out shopping or to breakfast. Whatever it was, the tears were uncontrollable and the hurt in my gut was gripping.

            It has been almost 5 months now since my oldest child, 37 year old son Joshua,  died of a sudden and unexpected massive heart attack. For the last 10 or so years, he and his wife and child have lived just 2 doors down from me so I saw them often and was very close to my son. Joshua was the most kind hearted person and was always there to help. Because I am disabled and have a difficult time walking any distance, he helped with out complaint if I needed the trash taken out or and errand run. Joshua was a big man with a big smile and a big bear hug. He was also diabetic.

            The night that he died, I heard the sirens coming up the street and always, when you hear something like that, you hope that it isn’t for a neighbor or friend. But they stopped and as I left the house as quickly as I could to check on things, there they were, the fire trucks and ambulances in front of my son’s house. The house was filled with chaos and my daughter-in-law and grandson were on separate ends of the couch wailing. I grabbed my grandson and asked him to pray with me. No amount of prayer that night could fix what had just happened. Joshua, my first born, the kindest, sweetest most loving man I’ve ever known was dead.

            I remember bits and pieces about the rest of that night but not all. I know that family and friends quickly showed up at the house while the EMTs were there and I remember someone covering me with a blanket. The paramedics had asked us to go outside of the house. It must have been cold. In fact, all that I can remember about the first week and a half is crying and family bickering. But, my son was gone. There was no band aid, no pill, so magic that could bring Joshua back.

            It has been about 5 months now since that horrible night. My daughter-in-law packed up, abandoned their home and left the state with my grandson in tow. I weep for the loss of my son every day. I weep for the loss of being able to see my grandson almost every day. I weep because this is far beyond the worse nightmare I could ever have and nothing that I do can change the fact that he’s gone. I miss him terribly. I miss my grandson terribly and am so angry at his mother for taking him away from the only family and home he's ever known. Now, she won't let me speak with him on the phone and does not respond to emails.

            I still have trouble looking at photos of Joshua and Matthew. I can’t listen to music. I don’t want to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to and I don’t want to talk to anyone except a select few. I have no appreciation right now for the summertime. No one could possibly imagine the pain of loosing their child unless they’ve been through it. Never in my right mind did I think that I would loose one of my children. It’s not supposed to happen that way. Parents go first, not children. He was only 37. He was loved by dozens of friends and all of his family and especially by me.

            Yes, I went through grief therapy which helped a bit but it doesn’t fill the hole that has been left in my heart. Reason tells me that things will get better with time. Reason tells me that I am not alone in this. Right now I feel drained and would rather sleep the day away, forgo my morning shower or sit in a corner with numbness at my side. Reason isn’t working very well. I am angry at Joshua's wife for taking my grandson away and for ignoring his physical and emotional needs. I am angry at her for not taking better care of my son. He worked 6 days a week while she sat on her rear and watched TV...selfish, self centered and lazy. I'm angry at myself for just 2 weeks ago I was told that I too am diabetic. Could I have done more to help him? I cry and my heart aches for the loss of not only my son but grandson as well. She has cut off all communication and will not let me talk with him on the phone. She doesn't respond to email. Life will never be the same.

            I hope to gain some comfort from this group. I hope to get part of my life back.

Thanks for listening.

Sue

 

This was in part added today:

The tears I shed should be for all of the mothers who have lost children at any age and under any circumstance. My logical half tells me that my situation is not as bad as others. Joshua was diabetic and although he was trying to take good care of his health, it just wasn’t enough.  My not so logical self is mean and spiteful. Some days I just want to die but would never resort to anything drastic because of my loving daughters, mother and other relatives who have been so supportive. Some days, like yesterday, I feel like I am going to loose my mind and ache inside at any sight or sound of anything that reminds me of Joshua. Then, the tears will not stop. Why, oh why can God be so mean? I want to scream. I want to see Joshua's face again and give him a hug and tell him that I love him.

            Then there is the daughter-in-law who is so selfish , thoughtless, mean spirited….the person who deprives me of the right to visit with the grandchild. I need to ask God to forgive me for all of the ugly thoughts I have towards that person. She’s already seeing another man and has their ‘happy’ photo posted on Face Book! If lightening could strike……..

            As it has been said, things will soften with time.  For me, it has only been 5 months. My youngest daughter was very close to Joshua and Matthew and is not handling it well either. I am not looking forwards to the holidays..none of us are. I used to be a strong person. I raised 4 children as a single parent without the aid of child support. I had a fantastic, well paying job and a great home with four wonderful children. If the kids asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I would just tell them that I wanted a happy family. Now, we are torn apart. My health in the last 2.5 years has gone south and I am now disabled, I lost my job because of it and then I lost my son and grandson. Two months ago, it was confirmed that I am also diabetic. I don’t know how much more I can handle.

            I hope that time will be a healer. I pray that Joshua is happy, wherever he is. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers the agony of loosing a child. I am grateful to people like you who share their story and listen to mine. And I hope that when I pass from this world, that I will be able to once again see my son.

            Thanks again for listening.

Sue

           

 

[westleysmom]

Sue,

I'm so sorry for your losses.  Sometimes I think all of life is learning how to lose things and not go crazy.  My son Westley would have been 21 on January 19 this year and he died in his sleep at a friend's house on January 13.  Ever since we got to the hospital and they told us that he didn't make it, everything seems like a dream.  Like my real life is happening somewhere else, where he is alive and we are all happy.  But it isn't, this is my real life, and he is gone and man, do I hate it.  And I hate it for you too, what has happened to you sucks. 

So I don't feel like I'm much farther along in accepting my son's death than you are, but I wanted to tell you that you are not crazy!  Who would have all the things happen to them that you have in the past couple of years, and say "I'm fine"?  NOBODY would.  You are a parent who is grieving and your health isn't good right now.  But from your posts, it seems that you do have family and friends who are supportive.  Let them help you.  Try to take care of yourself and eat right and take your meds if you're supposed to.  Whenever I feel like eating an entire cake or something else that is not taking care of me, I think "If Westley walked back in that door right now and saw what I was doing to myself in the name of grief for him, what would he think?"  Would he want me to neglect my own health or whatever?  His very own Mama that he would do anything for?  I would have died in his place, but I also know, he would do anything for me, as your son did for you.  And I believe that they do live on, we just can't see them right now.  And when we do see them again, I want to be able to say that I found a way to make it through without him, even though I missed him terribly, like my heart has been cut out. 

I don't mean to preach at you, God knows, some days I feel the same way you describe. But we have to help each other through the hard days, and baby, it sounds like you're having one.  Anyway, I hope what I've said doesn't make you mad, and I'm thinking of you and your Joshua and hoping that your day gets better knowing that.

Rhonda Westley's Mom 

[sussyqueed]

Rhonda,

            No, nothing that you said made me mad. You’re absolutely right and I know better than anyone that I should take better care of myself.  Now that I know that I’m diabetic, I think that if I’d educated myself on Joshua’s diabetes, maybe I could have done something to prevent his heart attack. I know that he would frown at the ice cream that I just ate and in his great booming voice, he would give me a lecture. He was a big man and drove a rock truck for a living. He did try hard to follow a diet. In fact, the night that he died, he was chatting with some friends on Face Book. He’d just been to his doctor that day and had found that he’d lost some weight. His last comment posted to FB was “Ha ha. Just 80 more pounds to go”. Then he died. My daughters would give me the same lecture. They want me around to be able to be a grandmother to their children when that time comes.

            Like I said, logic tells me what’s right. My emotions right now are overruling logic. I’ll get there. I’m only 55 and have many more years to live, God willing. I just need to get past these very unhappy days. I do feel in my heart that someday Matthew will want to come back to Texas where he was born and spent his first 11 years. He’ll always have a home here with me if he chooses.

            Thank you again for writing. It helps to know that I am not alone.

Sue

[westleysmom]

Sue,

If you ever feel like talking to people who know what you're going through, just go over to "loss of adult child" thread and hit "reply" and introduce yourself.  There is a whole group over there that stays in touch almost daily and they all are or have been where we are.  All of them are very kind and have helped me very much in the last month I've been posting.  You and I are still in the early days of our terrible grief and they have had so much good advice for me, and have shown me that you can get better, little by little.  Even then, some days they say their loss hits them so hard they can't draw a breath.  I'm so sorry that you have a reason to be here and that you're having such a hard time right now.  Take care and come over to that thread anytime.  They all know each other very well because they have been posting for a long time, but they know what you're going through and can help. 

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[sussyqueed]

Thank you. I believe that I got it right this time and have posted my message to that thread.

Sue

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. 

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family