Members blue-2017 Posted October 11, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2017 Hello everyone. I don't know where to start from and not even sure if I'm ready to write something about my brother yet. Just thinking about him makes me so sad and brings me into tears. My younger brother, who was in his 30's, passed away about a month and a half ago in late August, by heart attack. It was so sudden. So unexpected. He collapsed right in front of our front yard. If he could've walked 20 more seconds, he could've made it home. He was on his way after work on a Monday. It was raining and dark, so he was not found for a while. My doorbell rang and someone told me he had no pulse, so I ran out and tried my best to recall the CPR I had learned long time ago while someone called the ambulance. Unfortunately, nothing worked, and at the emergency room, my parents and I were told the unbelievable tragic news. We scattered his ashes in the sea, his favorite place. He would always travel to islands and beaches alone whenever he had holidays, and had one planned early this month too. Though I am his elder sister, we spent a lot of time together and I have so much memories of him. I still cannot believe he is gone. I feel like he is on his vacation and will come back home any second. This feels so surreal. It's only been a short time since he left us, and I'm afraid how I can go on with my life without him around anymore. It's very painful. I try to be positive but it's not easy. He was so young and so healthy and had so much future ahead of him. This happened so suddenly. He disappeared one day. I pray for him, that he is happy and is enjoying without any worries wherever he is now. Thank you for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TeddTodd Posted October 11, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2017 Dear Blue-2017, I have lost my loved one to heart attack 4 mths ago too. He has elder sister just like you. We talked about him and she shared their childhood memories. is sad how one beautiful life who had so much future ahead of them can be taken away so quickly. We will forever miss him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mike1972 Posted October 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2017 Hello. I’m new to this group. My brother died 19 months ago from an overdose of fentanyl and Valium. He had a drug problem since his teens. He was 39 when he died. Worse, he died the day after my son was born. He wanted to meet my son, but my wife was very sick and wasn’t up to having visitors.I asked him to come up the next day. The next morning on my way up to see my wife and son I got the phone call that he died.I blamed myself for a long time, thinking it would have been different if he came up with his family. I think my father blames me too. I haven’t heard from him for a long time. My brother’s death haunts me, and the hurt never goes away. As much as my wife and kids help and the support I have received, it still hurts so badly. I hope to one day be able to look back and smile at the times we shared, I still haven’t gotten there. It feels like I’m going to suffer the rest of my life, and I can’t take it. Thank you for your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue-2017 Posted November 24, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted November 24, 2017 It has been 3 months now since my brother left us... but it is not getting any easier... I miss him so much everyday. His clothes and his belongings are still in his room, so everything reminds me of him and I can still smell his scent and that makes me feel sadder and miss him more. I don't know how I can deal with this pain. Everyday is a struggle for me, and each day feels very long. I cannot sleep without taking an anxiety pill. Some days, I still wake up in the middle of the night. Those nights are more painful, and it's even more painful if I had a dream about him and everything in the dream felt like reality, except to just find out it was a dream. It's night time again and I'm scared to sleep... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted November 25, 2017 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2017 Dear Blue and Mike, My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know its an extremely difficult time. Please know everything you are feeling and thinking is natural and normal part of grief. My one therapist told me it could take me up to 5 years or longer to work through my grief. Be kind to yourself. If you want maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor, joining a support group. I also find these websites helpful What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog. Take care of yourself the best you can. Please know we are all here to listen and support you. Thinking of you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mike1972 Posted November 25, 2017 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2017 Blue 2017, first of all I want to give my condolences.I went through what you are going through. The grief was overwhelming. I will be honest, I'm still hurting bad. Your loss is very recent. It took me months to start having decent days, where I could think of Brian without feeling sad and guilty. I was blinded to how bad other family members were hurt by Brian's loss. I couldn't see past my own grief. Be supportive to other family members. Several of my friends lost their siblings. I go to them for support, too. I know you hurt bad. It's going to be a while to feel better. I still have moments of grief and rage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue-2017 Posted February 15, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted February 15, 2018 Thank you everyone for your warm words. It's been about 6 months now, and I'm still struggling a lot, having difficulty sleeping, and carrying on a 'normal' life. I have so much mixed feelings about everything, not just sadness but also anger and guilt. I feel like no one in the world understands me and know what I am going through. Everyone just asks me how my parents are doing, how my mother is doing. Yes, I know it must be really tough as a parent, and I try to stay strong and not show any weakness to my parents and give emotional support to them, but I am a human being with emotions too, but no one thinks or cares about me. I'm not saying I want people to care about me, but I wish at least they know I'm having a difficult time too with the loss of my younger brother. The only time I can express my true emotions are right before sleeping in my own room, before I take anti anxiety pill to make myself drowsy and fall asleep. I lived in the same house with my brother until his last moment so it's really difficult for me to see his room empty with still all his belongings. I have flashbacks of him peaking in my room and asking if I was hungry or wanted to go out, etc. He was a very healthy and fit young man in his 30's, so it is still hard to believe he is gone, and why he had to go, why it was him, why so suddenly, why ... I have been seeing a therapist and it does help that there is at least one person in the world I can open up to and show my real self, but the pain is still very fresh and raw, I wonder how long it will take for me to feel better, and I don't know if 'feel better' is a right expression in this case. Some days and some moments I am very numb from all this, and other moments I try to suppress my very strong emotions. There are also days I wish I am gone too, and have no desire to continue going on with my life, my hopeless meaningless life. I recently broke up with my long time boyfriend too, who called me selfish and irresponsible for not being able to promise a future with him, and being angry at me for not explaining properly why I am not like before and why I stopped smiling or talking. I couldn't and didn't want to explain myself, and he didn't understand me. I just couldn't handle the pressure and emotions that followed the quarrels on top of dealing with my brother's tragic accident. Everything was just too overwhelming for me. I apologized and told him this is me now and I can't help it. He was the one person I thought who could be next to me and help me go through my pain together, but it did not happen. And now I am left all alone in this world. but at least there is this place I can open up and share my story. Thanks for reading my long post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mike1972 Posted February 16, 2018 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2018 I totally understand how you feel. There are days where I feel so much rage that I want to hit everything in sight. I suppose it's frustration. My daughter's special ed teacher had a brother who died. She took it so hard that she was hospitalized. I lost my brother 2 years ago this March. I didn't live with him, but going to my mom's house triggers memories. My sister's room was his bedroom. I can also tell you I found a picture of he and I when we were very young. That was like a nail being driven into my heart. In time, you will probably have moments where you think about the good times you had with your brother and smile. I sometimes do. Unfortunately, the pain never truly goes away. I really wish I could say it did. As for your boyfriend, he should have been more supportive. A terrible loss happened to you. Thankfully my wife has been there when the grief comes back. Feel free to write me when you feel the need. Know I totally understand. Take care of yourself and others who need you. Know that even though you feel alone, you're not. I hope I helped you a little bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kapilchugh Posted February 18, 2018 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2018 Dear Blue 2017, Iam so very sorry for your loss.it is extremely hard and I understand you. I am in a similar situation in life. My dearest identical twin brother left us suddenly few weeks ago. He was 39, father of 2 little angels and a kind, strong and successful person. We still don't know what took him but we believe his heart suddenly stopped. While he was playing cricket with friends on the field. No history of any illness before that. He was fit, a gym rat, ate healthy so we never saw this coming. Believe me he was the closest confidant I ever had. We spent the maximum time together in the last 39 yrs of our existence. We were practically inseparable. Studied, played, slept, fought, travelled , drank ...we did everything together. Even after getting married we had our own lives but we're still bonded together like no other. I too can't seem to find anyone who can even begin to comprehend my pain let alone understand. I feel alone, guilty, sad, and haunted by what ifs just like you...i too have a lot of rage pent up inside as I feel WHY MY BROTHER, WHY HIM, my wife tries her best but she could never understand what losing a twin could mean. I too fear getting up at night bcoz the first thing that hits me is that He is gone.. something I just can't process..I am so used to him being around..since we're twins we did a lot of things together..had the same group of friends..and that makes it so difficult.. I know what kind of pain you're going through..I am here to share your pain and hope that lessens mine.. Hope you find peace soon.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted February 19, 2018 Members Report Share Posted February 19, 2018 Dear Blue, Thank you for coming back and letting us know how you are doing. I know its really hard and I'm sorry to hear about the breakup with your boyfriend. I know that only adds to your pain and sorrow. Thinking of you. I know grief is a long and hard road. But please know we are all still here with you. Take care. Sending my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue-2017 Posted February 19, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted February 19, 2018 Dear Mike1972, Kapilchugh, and others, Thank you very much for your support and taking time to share your stories. And I'm very sorry for your loss as well. Some days are harder than other days, and it's been really hard these days, but thanks to your supportive words, I did feel a little stronger and better. Thank you. Though we were a brother and sister, we had a strong bond and have lots of memories together. We went to the same college and lived together and after that we moved apart to a different city and a different country, but visited each other once a while. My brother and I lived in a different continent for the last 15 years, but somehow I came back and he came back and we happened to live in the same house together for about 1 year until his last moment. I am thankful I got to spend time with him, his last moments, but at the same time very sad since I am still living here but he is gone and his room is empty. I didn't have friends and support here, and was struggling, and somehow I found this site. It is unbelievable to know how many people experience this tragic event in their lifetime, and wonder why it has to be me, why us.... and why some other people seem to live so happily without any worries or struggles like this. I guess there is no answer to all these questions. I will try to have a better day. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue-2017 Posted February 19, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted February 19, 2018 Dear Kapilchugh, Thanks for your support, and I'm very sorry you lost your twin brother. It must be really tough, as he was your other half. Like you, I didn't know this coming either, my brother was very healthy and had no history of health problems, and just one day on his way back from work he had a massive heart attack and was gone right in front of our front yard. My brother was in his 30's like your brother. I'm so used to him being around, just like you. This all feels very surreal. Thank you for sharing your story, and hope you find peace soon too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kapilchugh Posted February 20, 2018 Members Report Share Posted February 20, 2018 Dear Blue2017 Thanks a lot for reading and replying to my message. It means a lot. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I too have some not so good and really bad days ..I can't muster the courage to venture out with friends coz I just can't bear the sounds of laughter and sight of others having a blast when I'm in so much pain. There's this Irish pub where we used to hangout with friends..and I dread going anywhere near that place now coz it brings back all those memories with my brother. Isn't is beyond belief how someone like your brother and mine, so fit, healthy and in good spirit could just vanish like that. One more here and next moment gone??? Ialso have the additional burden as I look and sound almost exactly like him. I feel for you as I feel for myself..sad. and I am not a believer , infact I'm borderline atheist..so it's even more difficult for me to understand this spiritually. Although I'm trying to.. But you should know and I truly believe that the love we have for our brothers will surely enable us to meet them again. Believe me your brother just like mine would be longing to meet you just as you are. Know it and believe it..Your love for him will surely give you strength.. I'm here if you want to share more..sharing will lessen some pain.. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kapilchugh Posted February 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2018 Hi Blue,Mike, Reader Haven't heard from you guys in sometime. Hope everything is fine. I've been trying online counseling via video or audio calls. Broke down during one of those recently. You do feel a bit better after the session I've to admit. Blue how are you holding up? Are you keeping yourself busy? That is one way of avoiding memory flashes. Hoping to hear from you. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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