Members aquarius7 Posted May 26, 2010 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 Since the day I was born, my Mom has been my best friend of my entire life. Always there to help me, teach me, encourage me, help me out, cheer me up, take me places, lend me money when I needed it, buy me things, send me to the college where I wanted to go, done everything to help me try to make my dreams come true, encouraged me in all I want to do, cook for me, teach me to cook, sewn things for me (still don't know how to do that!), save things for me she knows I am interested in, make me birthday cakes, make me and hide so I can look for and find Easter baskets (even as an adult!), give me cards, call me, give me a place to live, travel together, cry together, laugh together, eat together,let me use her car whenever I need it and a million other things. She is simply the greatest Mom anyone could have. My best friend. After having some swallowing problems and what she said felt like gas problems for the past few months, we went to the emergency room last month on April 23. A chest x-ray showed a mass in her lung. She was later diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.I could barely function the next day out of shock and sadness. It was like that all weekend and I have cried and cried and cried. It has gotten so intense that I have literally collapsed on the ground and lost all muscular control. I could barely drive at times.She had a cat scan and and ultra sound in the hospital and was admitted to the hospital. She was released on Monday and had an MRI and another test on Tuesday and a PET scan before the appointment. The pulmonologist said it is in both lungs and that there are satellite tumors in the brain (which is causing short term memory loss; which I have noticed for months) and a spot in the liver. I prayed that this was not connected to the rest of it and can be treated. We never found out about that.The pulmonologist will saw a board of cancer specialists who deal with cancer cases and tell us what they said and recommend. We saw a oncologist who said without radiation treatment she would only live about 4-6 weeks. We did a radiation treatment and it did not work. Then we did 2 for the pain in her back which is related to the mass in her lung. We went to another treatment and the radiologist told us to see the oncologist who told us not to keep the next day's radiation appointment and to start hospice. Please keep her in your prayers.I have a difficult time doing anything and wanting to do anything. I have so much anxiety and fear like I have never had in my life about anything. Fortunately I have siblings who are helping her also. My Dad has been gone for 15 years and losing him was awful too. This is bringing up old emotions about him.I am also crying thinking about things I did and said that I never should have and apologizing for them. And thanking my Mom for all she has done for me. In fact, I have been doing this for a long time. Way before any of this happened. I just hope my siblings are doing the same. Lately, I have been feeling like such a jerk for all the phone calls, messages she left, etc. that I completely took for granted. And for my selfishness and selfish behavior at times.Knowing that she is going through this and knowing there is little that can be done is killing me. She is stronger than all of us and is being extremely brave (as my Dad was). I am trying to be strong and have cried a lot these past days. It is definitely anticipatory grief and mourning. I simply cannot imagine and cannot accept life without my best friend who has been in my life since day 1.Sorry this is so long. I just had to tell my story. Any and all input is welcome. No, I am not a "Mama's boy". She is simply my best friend and always has been and always will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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