Members honeybrown Posted May 13, 2010 Members Report Share Posted May 13, 2010 Hello Everyone - My son's father was killed on January 2, 2010 in a car accident. He was 35. We were partners, co-parents, lovers, confidants, friends. I miss him so terribly. Even though he lived in Florida and I live in Michigan, we spent time as a family, and visited 8 - 10 times per year. I have a flexible job, and spent lots of time working from Florida. He worked as the director of security at a hotel in South Beach. He had worked 18 hours on New Years Eve, and was working again on New Years Day. He left the hotel at about 3am, and fell asleep behind the wheel of his car. Crashed into the median and his car caught fire. He died almost instantly. I can't believe that this big (6'8") invincible man is gone. I am really struggling lately with the loss. I loved him so very much. More, I think, than I knew or admitted to myself while he was living. He was such a huge part of my life. I spoke with him 9 hours before his car accident. He was happier than I'd heard him in a long time. He said "2010 is my year." He felt like something big was coming his way. He even talked about how he was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life. "I'm more than just a nice guy." God, I miss him. My son is 4. I'm still trying to figure out how to raise this boy on my own. This boy who has his father's build and his father's face. This beautiful darling boy who I want to cling to and protect from the world, but know that I can't shelter him or hold him back because it's not fair to him. I feel absolutely crazy. Sometimes I wonder if he was really here. Sometimes he feels so distant from me, like part of my imagination. It's as if so many of my memories are behind a veil. Like I'm removed from them; maybe to protect myself?I've had dreams about him. They are so real! In one I had been searching for him high and low. We were together and he disappeared. When I got home (in the dream) he was there with our son. I smiled and said, "You're here!" He told me "I'm always here." It was so real. SO REAL! In another dream he sent me an email in Facebook. (laugh) He never could say things that were too emotional or close to his heart, he had to write them. In the email he told me "I'm sorry if I didn't show you how much I cared while I was there. I love thee and always will." Right now I'm looking for ways to cope. I tried working massive hours, working out at the gym 6 days a week to stay ahead of the sadness. At times the sadness and grief is crippling. I cry and cry and cry and still feel like I'm in the same place - alone, helpless, hopeless, non-productive. But working and working out like a woman possessed isn't helping with the feelings of sadness either. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. I wish my tears were good enough to bring him back. I wish crying made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile. I miss my life. I miss myself. I miss my man. I want to fill this vacant emptiness I have inside of me, but I don't know how. I don't know how to FIX all of the broken parts of me. I'm hoping to find answers here. Don't know what the questions are yet, but I know that I need help moving forward. I keep seeing his car everywhere! It's driving me nuts. he drove a dark red Ford Expedition. I see them all over town. Tonight I saw THREE of them on the way home from the Y. Could it be a message from him? It's kind of comforting, but kind of annoying. LOL He could run a joke into the ground.Thanks for reading. Thanks for your understanding. Thanks for your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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