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Hello all.

I know it's been quite some time since I have posted.  I have been milling through my days in a fog.  I felt as if I was doing well.  I was working at an ENT surgery center per deim and loving the place.  I had hoped and prayed as my one year being there approched I would be offered a permanent position.  Well that did not happen.  And with the loss of jobs and people losing their health insurance, our surgeries at the center went way down.  Which meant that they did not need me as much anymore.  I actually have not worked there since March 20th.  It's now the end of April.

So I took a part time job at a local college here working in the surgical tech lab as a lab assistant.  I knew it was only 19 hours a week, with a 6$ pay cut.  But it would be 19 hours a week.  I found out last week that during the Intersession, which runs from June 2nd through July 19th that I would not be working.  MAN, I was like...wtf....

I am finding in the last 6 months, I find something that seems to be working out and then something stops. 

I am so stuck right now.  I am told to go back to school to get my B.A. in Science, which sounds great...but....it will cost me $38,000 to return back to school, as well as working and going back to that grind.  And do I really want to be working in this health care field in the next 3 years that will change all of our lives.  We really don't know what will happen with Obama and the health care industry. 

Through my years as a surgical tech, I have loved my job.  But since losing Anthony, I just cannot work in that environment anymore.  I am stuck in a rut.

Jobs just are not out there.  Full-time jobs in the health care field are actually drying up as well.  Jobs are now part-time or per-diem so the company does not have to pay for health insurance.  Very stressful and a feeling of defeat at 41.

I know I am young, but I have worked so hard for the past 10 years and feel now I am lost.  Don't know what the hell to do.  Work 19 hours a week, living at home with  my parents.  A complete loser.  My life is a complete pile of ****.

People look at me and think.....so strong....your doing so well.....yeah...nOT..

I made an appointment with my grief conselor for tomorrow.  Yep, no insurance so instead of a $15 copay it will cost me $150.00  but I need some direction.

My parents think I need to "move on", "get over the loss of my son", how the hell do I do that. 

I have always wanted to open my own hair salon...I think I may just say screw up, get my cosmotology liscence and just do it.  Open my own place next spring.

So that's where I am.  Oh yes and of course....STILL DEALING WITH MY LEGAL CRAP....it is such crap....i cannot STAND it anymore. 

Some day I will look back and try to figure out..."what the hell am I doing, where did i come from and where did I end up"....

Ill take any advise, help.  Thank you to my BI friends.


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Kathy, reading your post takes me back to one long weekend when it "hit Me" that I was almost out of unemployment after losing my job in 2007 when my company went out of business.......When it hit me I physically got sick; my stomache and running to the bathroom......I made myself sick with worry.....my husband was not working much either as construction was way down......I was wondering how are we going to do it????? After all these years of working and making lots of money....all of a sudden we were no where with little savings and no work in sight.....

that weekend I also came here and cried and begged for help.......I had so many replies and so many people cared.....I can't remember who suggested it  ; maybe Dee?   but she said can you bag groceries????????????? and I am thinking we would still lose everything.......   It certainly makes everything harder when we have lost a child ; it is like kicking us when we are down.......  After that weekend I found out I was eligible for an extenstion on my unemployment and since then I became a mobile notary......I feel God has blessed my husband and me.....while he has still not been back full time yet and we have since Also lost our health benefits my notary has been so successful that it has kept us afloat.........I like being really busy also; my kids say I am working hard to avoid dealing with my loss of Tanner; maybe; but also I am working hard because I like to feel productive and my dogs and cat and husband and I are still eating and have a roof over our heads..........So just know I was just so down (even got diaper rash that weekend) I know gross......more info than you need to to know but I just want to make it clear that I still struggled EVERY DAY and still wonder how I am living on without my son; answer is because I have no choice.....but I do have a choice to find something to wear everyday (getting harder with the memopause and the belly fat............and going into offices and peoples homes to perform notary duties.........Have you ever heard of a mobile notary?????? You might like it......Well I hope you enjoyed my post......You need a big lift.....try not to be so down on yourself.......you have worked and tried that all we can do.....Blessings to you tonight and tomorrow and a new path will open up.......; be blessed you still have your parents home....my are both gone.....lost my mom 5 months before Tanner; my HELL year.....where I will never recover; ever.....but life is going on.....just not like before.....Always a part of me missing forever.....hang in there; Love Tanner's Mama Gama; Cindy sorry so long.

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

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