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Concerned that suddenly I can't grieve anymore


Andy75

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Hello everybody,

I lost my wonderful mum on New Year's Day this year and I am having a real rollercoaster of a time trying to process my feelings to the point where I am now worried about my own sanity.

My mum was taken to the hospital on New Year's Eve with what was meant to be a minor stomach bug and after we had been there for over six hours of tests/waiting the doctors were almost satisfied that she was okay to come home the same day but then at the last minute they told us that it had been decided that she should stay overnight just as a precaution as one of the tests was inconclusive.

The doctor told me that they would call me to collect her at about 10am the following morning so we could, or so I thought, spend a proper New Year's Day at home together (we lived together in my house, just the two of us and the dog) so I kissed her goodnight and looked forward to seeing her the next day.

The following morning I received a phone call at around 10am and sprung up to answer it and received the most horrific news I could ever have expected as they told me that my mum had suddenly become very ill and I was to make my way to the hospital straight away as they were having difficulty in resuscitating her after she has suddenly gone into cardiac arrest.

When I got down there it was too late, something I am still angry about as when I went to reception to find where my mum had been taken to they had no clue and sent me to the wrong part of the hospital so I never got the chance to say goodbye to her properly.

I blame myself for sending my mum to the hospital as she didn't want to go but I had told her that I would never forgive myself if anything happened to her and she hadn't been at least checked out by the doctors, the problem was that my mum was allergic to many, many medications including all painkillers and, even though we gave them a comprehensive list, I am still convinced to this day that they must have given her something that she reacted badly to but when they asked if I wanted a post-mortem I did not want her to be subjected to that as this was already long after her passing.

Over the following couple of weeks I was inconsolable, I couldn't stand to be the in the house we had shared for more than an hour so I would just go walking into the countryside and into the night in tears, not really caring where I was going as long as I was out of the house as the pain was so intense I built myself up in a state of both sorrow and panic, I felt awful for leaving our poor little dog Marley for hours on end but I just couldn't cope.

Suddenly one night after about two weeks I had a particularly bad episode where I had spent the whole night crying as every other night and then I started to look at my finances as I was unsure whether I could even afford to keep the house on my own and this sent me into a panic attack as I realised the answer was probably not, somehow a combination of what was probably both grief and worry seemed to trigger something in my head and from that night onwards I went what I can only describe as completely numb to everything going on around me, I stopped crying, I stopped having almost any emotions at all happy or sad, it was as though they had just been "switched off" in my brain somehow.

I went straight to the doctors the following day and was put on a strong dose of an anti-depressant called Sertraline and also some Diazepam tablets as they believed I may be suffering from PTSD and I took this medication for three months, not knowing that this medication in itself was well known for dulling the emotions even further rather than helping and I realised this as slowly everything that gave me any temporary pleasure such as sleeping also became something that I got no enjoyment from.

After the three months I took it upon myself to get rid of the medication and, after a fairly awful withdrawal period, I was now completely clear of it and to my relief my feelings came flooding back, I know it sounds strange to be relieved that I could suddenly feel sad again but, trust me, being an emotionless zombie for nearly a quarter of the year was something that I never wanted to experience again.

For the next month it seemed like everything was magnified and I was constantly set off by just little things like looking at the sofa where my mum had spend nearly every night with me watching TV, or our favourite show being on, or looking at the mother & baby penguin ornament on the fireplace just brought me to tears again, as did every afternoon I spent at work waiting for mum to call me with a shopping list to collect on my way home,  and the awful loneliness of coming home in the evening and having nobody to tell about my day, most importantly nobody to tell me and Marley the dog that she loved us as she did this every night without fail.

I went to my first therapy session last week which didn't seem to have any positive effect on me as I pored my heart out about everything that had happened, the thing that is now worrying me is that I believe it may have done more harm that good as I am now back in that awful place that I was under medication wondering what the hell is going on in my head.

Am I going completely crazy or is there a rational explanation for this? I absolutely hate that now I have reverted to being numb again where I cannot feel anything and I even feel guilty that after previously devoting all of my affection to my dog Marley (my mum's dog) t I cannot even muster up the same affection for him that I did until this happened, even though I am trying my hardest to make him feel special as my mum adored him and my last promise to her after she had passed away was that I would look after him and give him a good life.

Please advise me as I am worried now that I will have to live the rest of my life without the emotions that I used to feel so strongly, I just don't understand how one minute I am in a flood of tears for weeks on end and then the next week a complete feeling of nothingness.

Help me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Andy 75, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear mum. Grief is so hard and we go through different stages over  and over again, feeling numb is completely normal in response to losing someone so close to us. Really there are no words to describe the feeling. Your not going crazy, I promise you. We suddenly have to try and live without that person and all our emotions and body are in shock. Be kind to yourself and it's not your fault. Sending you strength

Lisa

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I'm sorry about your loss.  It's an overwhelmingly devastating thing to go through and with that comes an entourage of extreme emotions.  No, you're not going crazy.  The numb feeling you describe sounds like typical depression, and it's common following a loss like this, and especially common following intense emotions of sadness and duress.  I've always thought of it like, bottoming out after an emotional spell.  Sometimes thar veil slips back on its own, giving way to emotions that generally hit you harder than they should, and other times you need assistance.  It's great you've started therapy.  Having someone unbiased to talk to can be very beneficial.  I've heard it takes time to feel better from therapy.  There's a lot to process before that healing happens.  As for the medication you were taking, those are really intended to be taken in addition to therapy.  Pills only do so much.  But any pill that further depresses your mind isn't exactly doing the job.  It will be a long back and forth battle to find peace.  I'm only 3 months into the loss of my mom and have been experiencing much of the same.  It's a horrible thing to go through but the fact that you are going through and want to go through it is progress, even if it doesn't feel so.

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Hello Again,

It's been a month since I last posted and nearly six months now since my mum passed away, firstly I would like to thank both of you for your kind words which helped me to realise that what I was feeling was not abnormal and part of what we have all gone through here.

I'm still staying away from the medication other than something to get me to sleep but the emotions have now come back completely and I am finding it really hard to get through the day at the moment, or at least I am when I'm at home as work is a welcome distraction for me.

I have always been one to put things off at work and try to have as little as pressure as possible but lately I have been throwing myself into my job in a manic way when I'm there, my whole character and methods have changed because I don't want to stop even for a lunch break as if I do it will start me thinking about the fact that my mum is no longer here and I will start to cry.

As I mentioned in my first post we lived together along with the dog Marley and I think this is one of the reasons I am having such difficulty in accepting what has happened because the house (I can't bring myself to call it home anymore) is full of memories and every room I go into has reminders of my mum and I can picture her laying on the sofa or lying in bed and it is just unbearable as I then think to myself that I will never see her or talk to her again, never get to hug her or kiss her goodnight and it's making it difficult for me to motivate myself to carry on even though I have no choice.

I have to stay living here as I have no money to move, the house is dilapidated to the point of literally falling apart room by room and I feel like I'm trapped in a bad dream and one minute I will wake up and my mum will be there but all I have is memories of the life we had and I have nobody to hug or make things better other than the dog who, bless him, doesn't understand what has happened other than that he's lost his mum too.

I feel so guilty that because I never thought my mum would pass away so early, I was selfish with my money and spent most of it on drinking when I should have been making the house a nicer place for her to live in, now all of these jobs need doing but I don't want to do them just for myself because as far as I'm concerned I don't deserve to live in comfort so I just continue to neglect things.

I keep reliving the day that I made the decision to call the doctors about my mum and I am still convinced that if I had not done that she would still be with me now, I just want her to still be here so I can give her all of the things I should have done and give her the biggest hug ever but that will never happen and it's driving me mad, at the moment I can't ever see a life where I won't be breaking down in tears every evening I spend without her.

 

 

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MissionBlue

Dear Andy75,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mum.  I can relate so much to some of the things you mentioned.  I lived with my dad all of my life in the same house.  I was his only child.  He raised me on his own after my mother abandoned me.  I never married or had children of my own.  We were very close, like two peas in a pod.  My dad was also allergic to many drugs, and I think his medications ultimately killed him, especially the diuretics.  There were times when the hospital gave him meds to which I had informed them he was allergic!

I also wanted to fix up our house to make it more comfortable for my dad, but I had problems with contractors and my dad didn't like his daily routine being disrupted for months on end.  Now I can't afford to repair my house on my own, so I am in the process of preparing it for sale.  We should have moved years ago, but I kept thinking we could fix up the house.  We ran out of time.   Now I feel like I don't deserve to move into a nice new home without my dad.  Whether I deserve it or not, it kills me that he won't be able to enjoy it with me.

I also miss coming home to my dad and being able to talk to him.  We said "I love you" and "God bless you" every night to each other without fail.  It was such a joy watching movies and listening to music together.  I miss seeing him sitting on the couch in his favorite spot in front of the television.  He taught me to appreciate so many beautiful things.  Life will never be the same without him. 

I felt numb after my dad died.  I didn't even cry at his funeral, which surprised me and everyone there.  It was so great a loss, my mind had to protect me from the full trauma of it all.  I felt awful, but I could only cry in short bursts.  Then later the tears came freely and often.  After two and a half years, I still cry for my father though not as often as before but as hard as ever.  I still think of him every day, even dream about him.  I have gone over everything that happened before his death, over and over, wishing I had done some things differently.  I had thought he would recover like all the other times he had health crises.  I suffered from terrible insomnia.  I got hooked on sleeping pills, Ambien and benzos, and finally weaned myself off of them.  I'm sure I'm still depressed, but I'm afraid to take medications on account of the side effects. 

Please don't blame yourself for taking your mum to the hospital.  You were just being a good son, trying to make sure she received proper medical care.  It would have been so much worse if she had died at home.  Several times through the years the hospital saved my dad's life but other times they made errors.  It's the luck of the draw.  Sometimes you get doctors and nurses who are dedicated and other times it seems like they give up on elderly patients who have had multiple admissions,  

I had never lived alone before and felt miserable for eight months.  I went to several therapists, grief support groups, churches and bars, but the thing that helped me most was when my former gardener moved in with me.  We were an item at first, but have downgraded to just roommates, because he's not romantic enough for me and he has anger issues.   I've been spoiled by my dad who was the kindest man I ever met.  Still, I feel so much better having someone in the house with me, especially a tough guy who's not afraid of anybody.  Sometimes he brings over his son's dog and she's a great comfort, too.

I wish you the best as you go through this very dark and painful period of your life.  It may take a long time, but eventually you will feel better.  Where there is life there is hope.  You never know what good things are still in store for you.  God bless you and help you through this difficult time. 

 

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