How do I do this?

[eckles]

I lost my husband last Friday. He had a heart attack at work and died sitting on the fork lift. He was only 37 years old. I have 2 children, a son who is 6 and a daughter who is 2 and a half. I am trying to be strong and cope and answer all of my sons questions and get through everything but I am so scared and alone!!!

I feel so empty. We had been together for 14 years and he was my best friend. We have lots of people around us offering support, but it is hard. The nights are the worst. I feel like I am living a nightmare.

In some ways it is the kids who are getting me through this. There are moments where I feel sort of normal and then it will hit me all over again.

It is all just so sad and final!

 

[klmmdm01]

I am so sorry that you are now a member of this horrible, heart wrenching club called "widowhood".  I lost my husband in June 2009.  He was 39.  Do what you can to try and find a few moments of peace each day.  It is difficult and at times will feel impossible.  I have my okay days, where I will have some energy and motivation to do more than the most basic functions.  Other days I am an absolute wreck.  The emotional roller coaster ride is exhausting.  I am told that it gets easier.  I am not totally convinced of that yet, but willing to have faith that it is true.  I am only 7 months into this widowhood thing and in so many ways it still feels very surreal.  I agree with you...the nights are the worse. 

[eckles]

thank you klmmdm01. This is such a nightmare! Today is Australia Day and everywhere people are celebrating, having bbq's, and having a wonderful time. I took my children to my sisters house where they went swimming and had a good time. I have this mask that I put on and pretend that everything is ok, but inside I am aching and am feeling like I have been ripped to pieces.

I know it hasn't even been 2 weeks, but I hate feeling this way! But then, when something does actually make you smile, the guilt is even worse. It is like being stuck in a maze and just going around and around, but having to smile while it happens so the kids don't get (any more) scared and they can be kept settled.

Last night they didn't go to bed till 1am and I just sat on the kitchen floor and sobbed. This is just tooooo hard!!!

[klmmdm01]

Eckles,

Hard, yes.  Absolutely.  My husband’s accident became very public.  He passed 4 days before his birthday.  It was, and still is, so very difficult to put a smile on my face and keep the numb feeling going until I can be alone.  I in fact, wish that I could still be as numb as I was in the first couple of months.  But unfortunately, life continues and forces you each day to be a part of it.  Most days I am kicking and screaming only wanting life to go past and ignore me.

 

You are very fortunate if you have a strong support of people around you.  In time, many people will not come around or call as they did before.  So hold onto the few people that choose to walk beside you as you travel down this path in hell.  Let them know how much you appreciate them.  And you need to understand that unless they have lost a spouse they cannot fully comprehend what you are going through.  Friends will say the wrong thing, they will walk on egg shells around you, they will get scared.  Just know that those who love you, even tho they cannot know what you are going thru, they are at least trying and forgive them for the occasional mistake.  And, yes, do laugh!  You will stop feeling guilty because after days, weeks, and months of tears, the occasional laugh will feel good. 

[eckles]

klmmdm01

Thank you for your kindness. It is good to know someone who has been there, although I would not wish this pain on anyone.

I swing between anger and deep, deep sadness. His family tonight posted photos of themselves celebrating Australia Day. There were smiles!!! I thought to myself, how can they smile and laugh when he has gone?? I know this seems very self absorbed, but I can't help it.

Then there are times when the grief just swallows me whole and it seems like there is no escape. I struggle to breathe through it. But, I have the kids and they keep my feet on the ground.

Do you have children?

Thank you for your support

[klmmdm01]

Eckles,

 

My in-laws turned on me immediately after the accident.  They posted pictures of them all together on my husband’s birthday (4 days after his passing), smiling and laughing.  I was devastated.  I was furious.  I was confused.  I wanted to call them all up each individually and ask them how they could smile and laugh when the world has come to a crashing end?  Did they not understand how those pictures were like salt in an open wound to me?  But I didn’t call them.

The despair is definitely the worst of all the emotions – for me anyway.  I haven’t been able to get angry yet.  I don’t know why.  It seems like I would have every reason to.  But for whatever reason I just can’t seem to get really angry and yell and scream and release all the pressure inside.  So the pressure builds up and it hurts like hell. 

No, we didn’t have any children.  We were planning on it, but along with so many other hopes, dreams and goals for our future it won’t ever happen now.  I wish we did tho.  As difficult as having a child would have been through the accident and stay at the hospital and now the grief, I at least would not feel so alone and there would be a piece of him with me.  But I do have all of our animals.  They are our little family and they keep me smiling and getting up in the morning.  Without them I'm not sure if getting up out of bed would even be possible.

 

I equally appreciate your support.  It is nice to have someone to talk to who understands the darkness in which you live.  

 

Kim

 

[eckles]

Kim

This morning Bradley (6 year old son)  goes back to school. He is sort of excited but extremely anxious. He asks me questions like "Will the other kids still be my friend now that I don't have a dad?", and the worst one....."who will pick me up this afternoon?" When I amswered that of course I would be there he asked me "so you won't die today?" How awful!!! I thought he was coping ok, but now I wonder what is going on in his mind. He is like his dad in so many ways... quiet, doesn't say much, but doesn't miss a thing either.

Last night was tough. I sat and thought and thought. His mum rings and she drains everything out of me. It is hard to maintain. His aunty rang and when I answered the phone, she started sobbing and said "I can't talk to you, it makes me cry, you remind me of him so much". She then hung up! This from a woman who saw him once a year!!! It makes me shake my head.

 

Thank you for your support. I have to take the kids to school now

Lee xxxx 

[klmmdm01]

Lee,

My heart goes out to your little boy.  He has learned a hard reality: nothing lasts forever and can disappear without warning at any moment.  He feels his loss much like you, but unable to verbalize it or understand it the same as an adult.  He knows he has to play a new role in this new life just like you do.  I am by no means an expert in such things, but perhaps you might think about starting a journal with your son and have it all about his dad.  Include pictures and stories.  Put little tid bits in there about his dad’s favorite color, his favorite food, sports, hobbies, etc. 

One of the first things someone told me after the accident was that I needed to stop being strong for everyone else.  This tragedy has affected you and your children in ways that no one else can understand.  It is okay to be selfish right now.  You need every ounce of strength you can muster up each day to get thru each day.  Don’t worry about anyone else.  Do not let their grief, confusion or guilt be put on your shoulders.  You have enough to deal with. 

Take care of yourself!

 

Kim

[eckles]

Kim

Today I was home with my daughter Sammy (will be 3 in April) and we set up a project. I have rearranged TVs and things in the house so that they both have a TV and DVD player in their rooms. I needed to make home a sanctuary I guess and also be able to divide and conquer when things get really hard with them.

Tonight we will do movie night - stay at home, watch a DVD, cook some popcorn and make some ice creams. I have to break the days up for them and add some happiness. Glen (hubby) would not want us miserable and whilst the chances of being happy are very very remote, I need to make the kids lives and home an OK place to be.

Your understanding and care has inspired me and whilst I know I will crash and burn again, at the moment, I can breathe a bit and focus on what I need to do.

 

Thanks sooo much

 

Lee

[klmmdm01]

Lee,

I think you’re on the right track in wanting your home to be a safe place for you and your children.  It is what I call the “keep busy” phase.  As long as you are being positive you will not have regrets.  Don’t push yourself though and don’t think there is anything you have to pack up or put away.  I personally had a hard time in that particular phase.  I started going through things and creating chaos.  I guess it was a way for my exterior to reflect the chaos I felt internally and there was some comfort in that.  I am very visual.  After what I did, I would advise that if the “need to keep busy and do something” mood strikes you, focus on the Tupperware drawer.  Weeding in the garden is another great way to stay busy, vent frustrations, and feel that positive progress was made.  There is not a single living weed in my garden.

I hope you and your kids have a wonderful movie night and you are each able to find a moment of joy and peace.

Kim     

[eckles]

Kim

Thanks again for your support. It is good to have an understanding ear who "gets it".

It was a busy weekend with lots of people popping in. You are right, it has slowed down and for that I am grateful! I hve been surprised by the generosity of people that prior to this tragedy, I would have called aquaintances.

Today I mowed the lawn!! that was so huge for me as it was Glen's "job" and something that was sooo him. I put his shoes on and off I went, crying as I did it, but it was such a good release!!

I hope things are going ok  for you.

Lee

[klmmdm01]

You mowed the lawn?  That is great!!!  I know how you feel tho.  Mark owned everything outside the house.  His job was to keep up with the yard (we have a HUGE backyard), weeding, trimming, planting, fertilizing…you get the picture.  The first time I walked out into the backyard with a purpose, garden implement in hand, I stopped in the middle of the yard and thought “ok, now what?”   There was plenty to do, we were in the hospital 4 hours away for 3 months, but I didn’t know what to do or where to begin.  I have found tho, getting out in the yard helps me to feel connected with Mark and I have realized why he loved doing the yard stuff so much.  I have also realized how much he actually did!

Things are always popping up.  Each day, I swear, something goes wrong that was a “Mark job” and I have to deal with it.  I cry, scream, get frustrated, beg Mark to help me and just tell me what to do, and when I need to I will ask someone for help.  Such as this weekend for example.  It has been raining for months on end, the ground is saturated, and this weekend we got some snow.  Not much, but enough to put some weight on 5 of the leland cypress' and they literally just fell over and were laying prone on the ground.  Not a good way to start out the day, I might add.  For me or the trees.  I picked up a tree and stood it up again.  I was pretty impressed with myself, I'm not a big person, but apparently stronger than I thought.  Of course, if one is going to pick up a 14 foot tree, one needs to think about the logical next step, such as, how is it going to stay in the desired upright position?  I figured out pretty quickly this was not a one-person job.     

It is funny that you should mention the generosity from those you would not have thought would be so supportive.  I found that to be true as well.  People I considered good friends stopped calling and eventually disappeared.  But those I considered acquaintances have stood by me these many months, calling, stopping by, helping me in any way they can and thus, have become very close to me.  They are real friends. 

I am so glad you got out there and tackled the yard.  One obstacle down and you did a great job!

 

[eckles]

Talk about highs and lows!!! The other day I felt like I was starting to make some small positive steps forward and felt that we were going to be ok. Today the death certificate came in the mail and I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach!! I can hardly breathe and am trying to keep up ab ok face for the kids, but I feel physically ill.

The ups and downs, the constant mood swings, the overwhelming feelings of helplessness and the despair!! I hate it! It's awful and I am so tired of being on this rollercoaster!

I had a huge rant on facebook last night about interfering people and he "well meaning" intentions. I don't want to be told what to do or pushed around.

Phew, huge vent and again I thank you!

How are you doing? Are you having more good days? Tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel out there somewhere.

Lee

[klmmdm01]

Good days?  Not for me, not for awhile.  I am preparing for depositions.  The trial.  Trying to prepare myself to make decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life, and not let the grief make those decisions for me.  It is difficult since I can’t seem to hold onto a thought and focus for more than a few seconds.  I have inlaws that are evil reincarnated (or so I think).  There is no light for me – my nightmare will continue for awhile before the fall out of the accident begins to take care of itself and only then will I be able to look forward.  But for you, I hope there is in the not too distant future.  You are only beginning on this path.  I don’t want to bring you down, but other widows have been brutally honest with me when I wanted to push and force my way through this hell as quickly as possible.  It doesn’t work that way.  This is not a situation where there is mind over matter.  It is matter over mind.  You will get through it.  You will grow and learn from it.  It will not be easy.  But the only other option is to let the grief beat you up, which it will do regardless, but you can’t let it destroy you.  Take each day as it comes, good, bad, or detached and indifferent, it doesn’t matter, just see it for what it is and keep going.  I sent you a private message with my email if you should want to ever write me outside of the public eye.  Take care!

[rodless]

What you're feeling is very normal even being physically sick. I remember the phone call from the recorder's office telling me the death certificate was ready to be picked up. Like a kick in the teeth. One of the hardest things I ever did..sat in the car and sobbed. The ups and downs go on for a long time but you get better at dealing with them. It's been almost 4 years for me and I still have bad days but not too many. Hang in there.

[eckles]

I have hit a place where I have lots of small, short cries, many many times throughout the day. Everywehere I look, something reminds me of him, or some thought jumps into my head that reminds me of him. I keep these moments to a bare minimum when the kids are around - not that I don't cry in front of them, I do, but just not "over the top" sobbing. That I keep till I am alone. I guess there is some control in that.

I am (or used to be) a really strong person - maybe even a little bit of a control freak (?) and to now be in a situation where I can't even decide what to cook for dinner and to be unable to maintain a conversation without crying is just awful. I am finding this so hard to deal with in that I am feeling like I am simply a passenger on this roller coaster.

The hypocrsy of people is really bothering me. My mother never really cared for him, but now is milking the sympathy from everyone she comes across. her and I have always had a tumultuous relationship - she was physically abusive towards me as a child, yet she had to "go away" for a break to help her deal with her grief. She then rings to tell me how much better she is feeling, how she had spas, went to bed early and had lovely swims in the pool. Meanwhile, I am home with 2 kids who have lost their dad and have no idea how to deal with it all. Makes me angry, and so so sad. This is a time when I need a mum - or someone who can at like one!!

I  miss him so much. People comment about how strong I have been, and how well I am doing... don't they understand, its all a front? I am sching inside. I am broken and feeling like I will never ever be whole again.

I am suffering from panic attacks. I went to the dr and we talked it all through, but this feeling of being helpless, being a "cripple" that people tiptoe around is just so awful.

I want to go back to being me, but I don't know who that person is anymore. Where is her strngth and courage and sense of humour? When will I stop feeling this pain??

[klmmdm01]

Lee,

I know exactly how you feel and my heart aches for you.  I too was once an A-type personality.  Mark used to laugh and say “You’re being bossy!”.  I had to have things done my way, it was the best way, you see.  Things made sense if I could control it.  But now my life is spiraling out of control.  And I can’t do anything but sit back and watch.  People say the same thing to me, how strong I am.  How “okay” I am.  How well I am dealing with everything.  And I just sit there putting the mask on so I don’t start to cry and wonder are they so blind that they cannot see how not okay I am???  I have come to realize others want you to be okay.  So they look at you and they don’t want to see a person who is barely functioning, barely breathing, with that “how the hell did I get here” look in your eye.  They want you to be okay, so they tell you that you are strong, that everything will be alright, because they want that.  They want that for you and for them.

I too have anxiety attacks.  All the time.  The first one I remember very well.  I was sitting on the couch watching t.v.  My step mom was outside and my heart started pounding, I couldn’t catch a breath, and I got dizzy.  I just sat there tho.  And all I could think of was it would really suck if this is serious because my step mom is here and she would take me to the hospital.  

My mom is a drama queen.  I cannot call her and tell her the stress, anxiety and dread I feel towards the upcoming depositions.  I cannot tell her about a bad day.  As soon as I try she cuts me off with a curt response and then goes on to tell me how bad of week it was for her, how much she has missed Mark, and then just when she was at her lowest she had a dream about him and hugged him.  Not much I can say to that.  I do not have the strength to compete with her on grief nor can I be strong for her.  So I have pretty much stopped asking my mom for support or strength, she in truth drains me.  So I know what you mean, it would be nice to have a mom right now.  But I have found that people just don’t respond the way you would expect them to or would like them to.

This morning I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a bus.  I thought I slept okay, no outstanding bad dreams or mind racing all night.  But I have been walking around like a zombie.  The anxiety wanting to break lose.  I think this will be a day where I will just say screw it and cry all day. 

[eckles]

It is 4 weeks today since he died. My son Bradley last night just started to sob and sob. He said he misses his daddy and will be the best boy in the world if only he would come home. My heart aches for him!!!

Today is hard. I am struggling and trying to put one foot in front of the other.  I feel like I am in a pit and covered with quicksand. It just keeps coming in on me. There is so little light. It hurts too much!

 

[klmmdm01]

Lee,

I know, Sweetie.  Somehow, Someway, you will get through this.  I wish I had the answers for you.  But I don't.  You will find your own answers.  You will get through this in your own way.  And you will feel like you're crazy.  You will feel like you are going insane.  You will feel like no one understands.  And no one does.  Not even me.  I only understand a part.  Which is more than most, I admit.  But the hardest part about this road we are on, is that for part of it, we travel alone.

For the first time in my life I understand how important it is to say "I love you."  So just in case you need to hear it.  I love you! 

I've had a rough day too.  In different ways.  Hang in there Sweetie.  We'll get thru this. 

[eckles]

Thank you Kim. I really appreciate your kindness. I know that things are so tough for you at the moment and yet you have the compassion to also be there by my side. There are no words.....

I hope you find the strength to get thru these awful times and that there are some answers and comfort that find you. Thank you for being so amazing

 

xxxx

[johngee]

I am sorry both of you have joined the ranks of us who are separated from our spouses by death. I read your conversation thread and recall similar feelings. I'm sorry to say, that after the fourth anniversary of my wife's passing, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and long for her company. There are times I am still overwhelmed.

 

Last night I was going through some family pictures for a school project my youngest son is doing. I came across a photo of my wife holding him when he was about 9 months old. I couldn’t help myself… The flood of tears just started… However, times like those are less frequent as time passes and I let her go (I’m not sure how to explain what I mean by “let her go”). I think it is something that happens with every one of us who have lost someone close, but in our own time and at our own pace. I also think it is a process that will never really end until we are called to join those we love(d) so much. As Mary Jo “Rodless” says, “hang in there”.

 

Lee “Eckles”, My wife died suddenly, like your husband. When she died, I had no idea how I would manage… We (my wife and I) had five children. At the time of her death, the oldest two were 20 and 17, and she joined the fourth one, who was the victim of a placental abruption at full term, and was stillborn. Number three and number five were my prime concern. My daughter had just turned two and my youngest son was six and a half. Since, we have spent a lot of time holding each other, praying and crying. Judging by my children, they have an easier time with bereavement. After a while, I purposefully started planning fun activities occasionally after school, during the week, but mostly on the weekends. It has been healing for the kids and for me, as well.

 

The other thing that helps me through this “nightmare”, is staying close to God through prayer. God has held me up in some really tough moments. He has brought me to people and situations that have brought me comfort and peace. He has shown me a renewed purpose for my life (because I’m really self-centered and overlook the obvious). He has been true to the promises written in His Word, and my belief in the things He promises, are the basis for my hope.

 

My wish for all of us is the same: joy, comfort, and peace. And a good nights’ sleep is good too.

 

John