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My first Christmas and New Years Without my Fiance


Polly

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I'll be spending this Christmas with out my fiance. I reflect back to this same time last year and how strange it is to think that he only had 10 days to live. Had I known this, I would of done things so different. His death was not expected but he was ill with end stage liver disease we just didn't expect him to die so suddenly. He passed away the afternoon on New Year's Day 2016. It's been a struggle getting through everyday without him. I don't dread the holidays because I celebrate the life of Jesus at Christmas. I can still see my James opening his gifts that I got for him. He cried. I got upset that he cried. If I had known he was going to be gone in 10 days I would not have gotten upset. I wish I could hear him cry again and I wouldn't complain. I have a lot of guilt for the way I treated him the morning he died and it's tearing me apart. I want him to know how sorry, so very sorry, I am for not being there with him that day. I still can't believe you're gone. The year has gone by so fast and I miss you every day like it happened yesterday.

 

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Dear Polly,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the loss of your beloved James. I'm so sorry. I know its been a very painful year without your James. You loved him and he knew it. That's why he cried when he received your Christmas gifts last year. He knew you cared about him and loved him deeply. I think its only natural to have regrets and feel guilt for the last days and even months of one's life. I'm with you. My dad passed this year. I too have guilt about the last day I saw him. About the entire year leading up to his death. I had no clue he was going to die. I honestly thought he would make it to 2017. I really did. I so badly wish I would waive a wand and go back. Its been a struggle. I know I cannot change the past. I go to the cemetery to honor my dad the best I can. I've said sorry out loud. I think its only normal what we are feeling and going through. Its part of the grieving process. Thinking of you.

 

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I'm sorry I didn't see your reply any earlier than today! Thank you for the encouraging words. I am sorry to hear about your father. I don't believe time heals all wounds it just makes them easier to deal with. I got through the one year anniversary of James' death but not without a lot of tears but I made it. James' father passed away six months before he did and my brother passed away right after his dad. Then I lose James. Too much heartache to handle but I know that they are up in heaven looking over me. 

I hope you are able to find the peace you need to move on as I have. Take care and thanks again for the kind words.

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Dear Polly,

Thank you for writing back. Please no worries. And thank you for your condolences as well.

You are a brave and strong woman for going through so much. Grief is overwhelming. I have yet to find peace. I have not made it to the one year mark yet, but I hope to. There are still a lot of tears right now.

I appreciate your words. I hope to move forward the best I can. Take care as well my friend. Wishing you all the best.

 

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