Losing my father to drugs

[Gena]

I lost my father about a month ago.

However, I feel that I lost him a few years ago. Atleast the father that I knew. my mother divorced him 2013, and he went down hill after that. he always dabbled in drugs and alcohol, and took a liking to oxy. after the split from my mother, tin foil was found in his van along with black tar. he admitted to his brother that it was heroin. he began smoking it. I was devastated. before that, I never pictured him getting into such a terrible drug! 

He lied to me, telling me he wasn't using. it got so bad at one point that he came to my work during my break and demanded I give him some money for "food". but he was so weak and pale, and could barely manage to speak. he was in withdrawal and just wanted drug money. it truly broke my heart to see him like that. especially how he seemed to have lost himself. two and a half years later, he winds up living in his van. until it became impounded. 

It was so difficult for me at this point because he blamed my mother for his situation. every conversation I had with him, every phone call was so painful. he one told me he hated me and mother. he always seemed to make me feel guilty for my mom leaving him. But I just wanted him to see me as his daughter. not someone to get drug money from, not someone to bad mouth his ex wife to, but his only daughter. I never stopped loving him. I'll always love him. 

I got a call at work one day, and found out that he had collapsed onto the ground outside of 711. They said his eyes were wide open, but he was not concious. I was told what hospital he was at and I rushed down there immediately. apparently he had both a stage 4 aneurysm and a heart attack. he was in the ICU for 3 days, until I was told there was nothing they could do. no signs of improvement and his heart kept failing. i was his legal next of kin, so it was up to me to decide when to take him off life support. worst experience of my life.

Dad, I saw you take your last breath. I want you to know that you are a beautiful soul. I will never meet anyone like you. I don't know if I can forgive myself for turning my back on you. but just know I did it because I did not want to feed your addiction, and it hurt me beyond words to see you abusing your body like that. I want to thank you for what you taught me in my life, and for all the times you made me laugh and smile. I'll also never forget how you accepted me the way I was and you always reminded me you loved me. I should have reminded you more often how much I love you. I wish you could be here and walk me down the aisle when I get married, and I'd do anything to hear your loving voice. Most of all, I wish I could hug you again. I will always miss you daddy. 

[Lisa k]

Hi Gena, sorry for your loss and all you've been through . Its not easy seeing those we love deteriorate but forgive yourself . I would have done the same thing myself . Having to decide to turn of life support would be horrible but at the same time I guess it was the kindest thing you could do for him. I'm sure your dad did not hate you, just the drugs talking . Remember the good things before the drugs took over, I bet he loved you more than anything . Loss is so devastating and it takes awhile to process it and work through all those feelings . 

Take care 

Lisa 

[Blktx88]

I can somewhat relate to your situation. My mother died 2 weeks ago.  She did drugs on and off since I was 5. She finally got clean, met a nice man, and was happy. Then he started a new job as a truck driver and was gone alot. My mom ended up relapsing. She ended up paralyzed from the waist down due to drug abuse. She struggled even more for the next 3 years. And although she'd find happiness, that emptiness inside of her and pain from her husband choosing work over her made her dabble with the drugs again.  She passed away due to something different, but for a while, I blamed that man. My mom was happy for the first time in her life and I felt that he took that from her. I thought, if things would have stayed the way they were, she'd still be alive. But, in reality, we really never know. One bad decision to use a drug can lead to addiction which is a disease. After reading your post about your father, Im sure thst your father, just as my mother was a wonderful person. But the drug becomes that person. There is no control anymore. And the piece of us that makes us question or blame others is our way of justifying and defending our parent and their loss. Don't feel bad for that feeling, because it shows that you knew the best parts of your father, and hopefully will carry those memories with you forever. I know that it's hard to even mourn the loss of your father when you're still trying to recover from the tragedy of his death. I am too facing the same struggle. But I try to separate the two and remember that the trauma was only a small piece of the puzzle, and the stronger and lasting impression left, we're the good times and memories of your time with them. 

[Gena]

Thank you, Lisa. I really do hold onto the good memories, before the drugs. Him and I always got along before he go into them. I know he never hated me, he was just very lost in his addiction and became angry at everything. Where ever he is, I hope he is comfortable and at peace. 

I am sorry to hear about what happened to your mother, Blktx88. It's so sad that he caused her pain and I don't blame you for blaming him. A part of me can't help but blame my mother for causing my father's drug addiction because he was so heart broken over her leaving him. But in the end, the people that hurt both your mother and my father did not ever want them to suffer. They didn't want them to destroy themselves. Addiction really is a disease and it all boils down to that person's choice. I wish he never made the choice to start using, but he did what he did and it wouldn't help to blame other people for that. My father really did have a good heart and I know that he never meant to hurt me, He was just hurting himself. Thank you for saying that the trauma was only a small piece of the puzzle. He taught me so much and I'll always hold the good memories close to my heart. You do the same for your mother. Thanks for your uplifting response to my post and I am here if you need someone to talk to. This website is very helpful and it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this kind of pain. Not just the pain of losing a parent, but the pain that drugs can cause.