I lost my dad and my mind can't seem to grasp his passing.

[Shei516]

I am 24 years old and my dad brought me back from Philippines when I was six. My mom gave me away. My dad stepped up and decided to raise me. It was just my dad and I to what feels like forever. When I was 13 I had a stepmom to which i ended up loving years later. My dad was 50 years old when he had me so it must of been difficult raising a child when your of a retirement age. Growing up I had a lot of mental disorders I was dealing with. I was in and out of hospitals due to depression and suicidal ideations. My dad stuck with me through it all. He got the worst of it because we were so close. I had terrible mood swings aimed at him. Eventually I recieved the help I needed at 16 but of course we had our ups and downs. My dad was suffering with Parkinson's disease as well. It was so hard to see my dad endure his illness everyday. He was an American hero literally. He was a Vietnam veteran and served as a Police officer for 35yrs. It was hard to accept my dad was sick and Parkinson's was eating him up everyday. He was strong and held on for so many years. A couple years ago I decided to attend vocational school to become a nurse. He was at my graduation. Ive been a nurse for a little over a year... To why it was more painful that when I came home I was the one who found him...not breathing and without a pulse. My world caved in. I took care of him along with my mom. She more than me they were married. I assisted him to the restroom, held his hands to help stop the shaking. It hurt me more than anything when I called his name and he didn't answer me. We just had his funeral Monday exactly two weeks from his passing and I have fallen into depression. I went to work last week and now i can't get myself out of bed. I feel like the past two weeks had been so busy that now I have no choice to grieve. I was the baby the only child my dad raised. Now i have no choice but to grieve. 

[cindyjane]

Hugs Shei516 ... I am so sorry for your loss.  Your dad was a strong  man and obviously a loving man and it is no wonder that you are going through such a hard time in him leaving.  You are correct that you have no choice but to grieve.  That is because of the deep love you have for your dad.  I've come to learn that we can't run and hide from our feelings.  I figure that our feelings are a blessing ... even feelings of deep sadness and loss.  Those feelings represent an even bigger and more important feeling.  The best feeling of all.  The feeling of LOVE!  You and your dad had that LOVE and always.  I guess what I am trying to say is that it really helped me to recognise the reason for the deep sadness I had in losing my parents.  It was all about the love and if the sadness in missing them is the price I had to pay for those years of love, then I could accept that and just go with those feelings.  Not sure if I am making any sense, just sharing what helped me get through such a difficult time.  Time is a healer so give yourself this time to grieve.  You will never stop missing your dad but the deep sadness will lift and you will find yourself feeling grateful that you were blessed in having him for your dad.

take care

Cindy Jane

[EmmyLou]

I too, lost my Dad to Parkinson's Disease just about a week ago. He was 82 and I just turned 30 this year. 

He had been in in- home Hospice for the last 2 years, with my mom being his primary caregiver. They lived in Florida and I was only able to visit a couple of times until Hurricane Matthew forced them out of Florida and brought them both back home to Ohio.

I am grateful I got to spend the last couple of months with him. As you know, you have good days and bad days with Parkinson's Disease. He didn't even recognize me when they came back to Ohio and it broke my heart. I know it was the disease but it still hurt.

I also find myself deeply depressed. I have struggled with depression the last 13 years and have been hospitalized for suicidal ideation. 

When I read your post, i felt like you were my twin in so many ways. I know every loss is different but I wanted you to know you aren't alone in your feelings. We were Daddy's little girls and now we are empty. 

Words can't express how much we miss them. And I find no words that bring comfort. We are 2 little girls missing their Daddys. 

Will we ever be whole again? No. We are forever changed. Our dads may be gone, but they will never be forgotten. 

I know you are hurting...as I am too. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Baby steps. {{{{HUGS}}}}

[Shei516]

Thank you. And i do feel like your twin. I sometimes feel like that I didn't get enough time with him like my siblings. You're words really are comforting Im sorry for your loss as well. My mind has not fully grasp this yet. I feel like when you're the baby you have such a different connection with your father. I feel numb. But I hope through this we find our strength through our wonderful memories and the wisdom our fathers' have given us. We cant let depression beat us and creep in its ugly head. We will have our moments though and thats ok but we can't stay in it. 

[EmmyLou]

I believe you are right...we as baby's of the family do have a special bond with their dad. I'm grateful for the time I had with my dad. And though it was shorter than my siblings...it was more special. My siblings all experienced a different dad...he was harsh and cruel to the older ones....but by the time I came into the family,  My dad had seriously mellowed. I got the kind, gentle Daddy that my older siblings didn't get to know. And in a way I am sorry they didn't get that.

The numbness will wear off...i go back and forth between numbness and depression. Though numbness is a sort of depression on its own. But as you said we can't dwell in it and let it consume us. I am having a really hard time with that. I feel like I have to put on this happy face for everyone and that I'm not allowed to feel what I feel without someone thinking something is wrong with me. But they can't expect me to just get over it...and I don't want to. Mourning is a journey and it is different for everyone. 

I love that you say we need to find strength in our memories and wisdom of our Fathers. That has been on my mind a lot. I miss the tidbits of knowledge my dad would always share with me and the little dittys he said that became second nature to me.

It's bittersweet remembering memories...I miss my Daddy sooo much.