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A week of Black


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   This is my first post ever so very new. At this. Not at grieving over my Daddy. Sitting alone often in reminiscence distraught over and remembering his perfect life and horrifying death. That I'm good at. I've been doing it for the better part of 34 yrs. I'm 42 and closer to my Dad now than the eight years I spent with him in in Heaven, pure bliss here on Earth was my life when he was in it. Now, I just know I've spent a whole life time missing him and now more than ever. I used to cry myself to sleep many nights until my early to mid twenties. Then sort of put him on the back burner for a few years until I was 28-29 when I literally would chase my then boyfriend now ex husband down the road naked, jumping into the back of his truck begging him not to leave me.

   He always looked so dumbfounded not knowing how to react as he thought I was chasing him. I wasn't. I was chasing my daddy because I just couldn't bare him leaving again.

    I always knew I was ultra sensitive, even extra-sensory perceptive and very insecure in my womanhood. Desperate and clingy. Men were no more than a replacement for my Daddy. Especially for the first time in my life when I felt 'true' love. After 9yrs of misery divorced but not before finding my one and only 'true' love of my life. Oh and insecurity and weakness hit when I stammered whenever I'd try to speak with a fearful respect as this man I wanted so badly to impress as did he impress upon me love as true as I ever knew. The one true love of my Daddy. Perfect and sweet, fresh and innocent. This one scared me, I loved him too much. Oh so much I loved him. I loved him so much he scared me as when I stood in reverent fear before my father waiting for one of the two punishments I only ever received in my life. Two was all it took. All else was love so perfect and correct and truest in truest of form as if Heaven sent from God Himself.

    My father was the most upright, perfect, Godly man I have ever known, heard about, seen, met, in person and on tv or read about in any paper, book or story. Throughout my life I never met a truer more pure soul just as ordiinary as anyone but humble and kind and proper and polite yet no pushover. Jet black hair and steele blue eyes I remember I wanted so badly to look just like my handsome Daddy. His eyes and hair were the most striking combination. The most handsome, appealing man I ever seen. Truly the innocence of falling in love for the very first time in my life was with my daddy as I utterly adored him. I worshiped him. I worshiped the very ground he walked on. Still do. Always will.

   Then I met a man who sent that proper amount of fearful respect through me as I admired him. I fell in love for the second time ever in my life. Oh I'd been in love before. But never had I TRULY been in love before. Until I met this man. When I found out his sister died at about the age I was I think when my daddy died and that it was around the same time as my daddy and that he was close to my brother's age when our father died and that he had the only bloodline of anyone identical with his sister and the truest of all connections I shared with my father and considering how such a thing affects one at the age just barely becoming aware of the world and the reality around you I knew he was my 'soulmate'. Four years of misery later I'm sure he's still my soulmate and wish he still loved me.

    I remember the moment I learned of my father's death I was in my mother's bedroom as our pastor had requested my brother and I join them in there. I remember as though I was sitting on a barstool though I'm sure I was standing and at the moment I realized my father had been taken so tragically after spending 5 days in the Seattle Burn Unit after an explosion at a local metal's plant I feel as though I can remember watching myself dive off this barstool. I just leaned over to the right, dove upside down off the barstool through the floor and disappeared with him and never returned to my own body though my own body still sat there and I can envision and see me as if looking at me from behind. I'm sure someone returned to that body, but I'm not so sure it was me. I do know it wasn't all of me. I do know not all of me returned there to me that day. It shocked me so hard it felt like the Earth, my Earth spun off it's axis and tilted and then resettled itself looking just as it had before. Although now something not noticeable but something very disturbingly wrong. Or rather something disturbingly not there.

    The next week I spent in a comatose. A trance. A pitch black sleep. At the end of the week my mom picked us up from where we had been. A family with two girls close to mine and my brother's ages who we shared a room and a bed with. And across the hall their two twin brothers. Six kids in all in a very small upstairs. Hardly quiet I imagine. If I could remember any part of it except the black sleep I woke from to my mom taking us home. The longest, darkest, coldest, dreamiest,  most peaceful nothing I can recall ever in my life having experienced. I can remember myself inside that whole sleep, floating in the peaceful black corridors with my conscious lighting my way. Floating endlessly on these billowy black clouds of simply nothingness as if in space floating to the moon, but darker and less conscious of your physical surroundings but more conscious of your eerie surreal surroundings than if you're actually awake. I remember this black sleep more vividly as time goes on than I would had I just woke up.

    I almost feel I was there with my daddy as he was crossing over and can't help think he was there helping my boyfriends baby sister cross over. Taking her under his wing. Giving her comfort and putting his protective arms around her and maybe letting her sit up on his lap. I know if so she certainly felt safe. Those were the bestess arms in the world and I know if he was there helping a lil girl cross over there definitely could never possibly be a better man for the job.

   I waited my whole life to meet someone and after four years of misery with a man I'm head over in heels in love with still. . I can't help but think it was him. Because I do have emotional strength now where as I did not before. At least I don't chase men down the road anymore envisioning and feeling the paralyzing fear of losing my daddy. I dunno. Just trying to learn about myself and reality. Because knowledge is power. The more information I have the better I'll be able to grow more emotionally and the better equipped I'll be to embrace love should it ever cross my path again.

Thanks A. H.

No, Not for A--Hole.

But I do know one or two.

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Hi - You express yourself very well. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. It's so hard dealing with unexpected death. I don't know if it's ever something that heals completely. I still can't believe my Dad died so fast, never sick a day in his life, then all the sudden having a heart attack.

What you're saying about finding men as replacements seems so true. I love the idea that knowledge is power and how the more information you have, the better you'll be able to embrace love when it crosses your path again.  That's a healthy way to look at it. I want to be healthy so that I'm in the same position of being open to love, being aware of what healthly love looks like (as opposed to needy love) and hopefully being open enough to embrace it. That's a goal we should all have. It's better than becoming bitter and sad the rest of our lives, like how I feel right now!


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O Im very angry right now. More sad than anything. It seems that's where most of my anger comes from, is my sadness and grief. The man I love more than I ever loved anyone dumped me for a 19 yr old girl. After he said he'd need me forever he dumps me 'just like that'. I even thought he was my true soul mate as he lost his sister at a young age and so thought he would be the one out of anyone who could relate to me. But I guess thats part of it where I would look to men when I was hurt and lonely, he looks to women. He's unfaithful to his own commitment though so I'm getting ready to walk away from him and move far away and never come back. So that I can get on with my own life or he'll just keep doing this to me as it is not the first but the second time and if I'm not careful will send me into a head spin and lose all the ground I've gained in my emotional strength and security. Which I gained from this very kind of thing. Through losing him. Or so I thought. But when he came back he was bitter with me and so now we lose each other. Because I've learned my lesson. Now I guess it's his turn.

Sad but true when the closest person to you dies when you're young it leaves its marks forever and theres no changing it except for through life and how it affects you. That's my best guess anyway. :?

Thanks for the *hugs*. Nice to know someone relates and cares even if you don't know me personally.


*hugs & best wishes to you & to yours*

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