Young Widowhood

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I'm so glad you're not into table dancing. This just shows how precious a lady you are. Gary was very blessed to share his life with you, and you him. Nobody can ever "replace" him, and no man should ever dare try. I understand where you're coming from, and my dear friend, these are normal feelings you have. I don't perceive it as much that we want that "other" person to replace the one we love, but that we may expect the one we love to somehow magically appear through the palette of this new person's soul. My take is more that, in your case, you'd like Gary to come back through your new friend, so you could have Gary, not someone else. I pray to God I'm not upsetting you with this, and I'm so deeply sorry if I have. I'm just trying to make my own sense of what's in my future through the feelings and experience of others. Please take each moment, each day, with your grace and style. May I ask, have you talked about these feelings with your companion? If he understands how deep these feelings are, he'll be able to comfort you and help you much better than sitting as a spectator in your grieving process. He obviously cares about you, as a friend, a person, so he will be understanding if you bring up this issue. I'm always praying for you, always. You're a very dear friend, and I'm concerned, but also confident that you'll get through this too. Take care of you, please. hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, are you trying to play "matchmaker"? You're priceless, girl. You haven't given us much updates on Bobby's . . . um . . . whatchacallit. I'm not interested for the gossip stuff, but cuz I'm praying still. I'll cyb an email to ya's with an update on our happenings. Lots going on, most bad. Well, there is the planned trip next month to visit my grandson. Ooooo, I luuuuuuuuv being a Grandpa! No, I don't have one of those tacky bumper stickers, "let me tell you about my grandkids". No bumper stickers go on my rides, otherwise . . . I keep praying for you, for your hubbie, and your children. I know they are all hurting too. Til Times Square, hugs, my sister, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, it's good to see you laugh, girl! You deserve those giggles. You'll have to keep an eye on Renee. She may get you into all sorts of mischief. hehehe. (joking, Renee . . . luv ya). I'm praying for you, so you'll have a good week at work. Hope you're enjoying it. I hope your 11 is sweet. Tonight was different here, like she wanted to spend more time with dad. I'm okay with that. Good night, my friend, and sweet dreams. Me

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone..I am finally gettin a chance to be on here..I have ahd the flu for a day..and was feelin crappy then I wass so scared my angel would get it..the way he likes to crawl on me and hug me all the time..I just keep hoping he does'nt..

Renee, wow its been awhile since we have seen you am gald to hear from you..I wish thier was a miracle cuure for me to feel better I am tryin so hard but I am in such a deep depression that I don't know how to get out of..now I dream of Roger more I cry more and poor little byron is suffring in the meantime not know why I am so down..I need something to make me feel better maybe seein a doctor will help.

Mark, I am glad you liked the pics of Byron is is such a treasure to me I love havin him and love him doing whatever he want to me even if his hair brushing usually comes out pretty bad..afterwards its so cute cause he will go now u pitty mama thats the way he said it..such a sweet little guy...I am glad you got an intercom system for Mary..I hope they are controlling her pain medication ok and she is sleepin ok..and I am happy to hear your gettin a little more sleep at least..we sure don't need somethin happening to you..

Trish, yeah Byron loves a brush you can tell me just loves to brush my hair ..Trish I read what you sent me that email did this happen to you?? it got me really thinkinif it did I have to say wow..that is strange..you can let me know through email or whereevr you want too..anyways how are you feelin?? me about the same except under the weather a little got the flu and tryin to break that..well I am gonna go I am hurtin sittin here

Cindisue, Girlfriend sounds like you had a great time at the party and like Mark said about dating another man..be careful my friend..I think my problem if I started dating would be i would campare also and almost try to see Roger's face..or wishing I did..or say well Roger never did that..and I know deep down no one can be like him he was special and I know thier are alot of wonderful men out thier and I know my friend you are smart and you know the good from the bad..just be careful we all love you and want you to be happy again...

All of you all your friendship means so much to me and I love each and everyone of you I know I been down alot and I am tryin real hard to get happier..just so namy things have happned to me and I want to have good thing happen for once..I been asked out alot lately from different men and I tell them all no cause it would'nt be fair to any of them I am still very down and still love Roger too much its been a while since Roger died I know but maybe I need just more time but then again maybe another man can make me forget my unhappiness but I can't amagine loving someone else but I hope to someday again not fun being alone all the time..

Love you all so Much,

Cindysue

[jcruzgirl]

Hi Everyone,

I had something happen to me today and now I don't know how to feel. James had a fiancee before me. They had very rocky relationship (according to James) and when they split, it really hurt James deeply. He used to talk about it to me. She changed forever and it took a long time before he would allow himself to get serious with someone else. I guess that I was the lucky one, as he got VERY serious with me. He always wanted his own business and had a lot of dreams, but (according to James) she wanted him to be someone that he never could. I never expected anything from him that he could not or would not offer. I guess that is why it hit me hard when I got a call at work from his sister. She told me that this other woman contacted her and wanted to talk to her. I felt betrayed in a way and then again, why should I? James chose to spend the rest of his life with me. I KNOW that James loved me with all of his heart, so why does this have to hurt like it does???? She has some things of James and wants to return it to the family. I feel that I should get it, as I was James family. No one seems to understand this, but James loved me and lived with me when he died, NOT someone else. James and I loved unconditionally and never put blame on the other for things that went wrong. I know that I may be over reacting, but I have all of these feelings inside that I really don't know what to do with??? I know that James had something with her years ago, but it is like every time that I take a step forward someone or something pops up to push me back. I really want James things, as I know that he would want for me to go through them and share them with his children. James children were very important to him and he loved them all. I also would like to see what she has of his... I mean if it is just clothes, then it is not such a big thing, but if it is more, I would really like to have it. I know that it was from James past, but she should have done the right thing YEARS ago, they were broke up for 4 before we met, and given it back then.

Well, I needed to vent and always know when I come here that you will open your arms and give me a hug.

Thank you all of my friends.

Love and Hugs,

Trish

[withani]

Mark....you are soooooooo right my dear friend...I DO want Gary to come through this new companion I've singled him out because he does have many of the same qualities. Like Gary he loves to cook...plays guitar with me..will dance...he said to me the other evening...you like me because I remind you of Gary...I told him yes that's true and that's why I like spending time with you. He doesn't appear to mind this???? He also said Gary loved you very much...and I told him he was right...that he did/does. Is this wrong??? It's difficult "dating" but beats the alternative of staying at home with my covers over my head. I'm fumbling through this at my own pace and know that I'm fortunate to have had a great love in my life. I'm not expecting another one...just simply a companion/friend to share some time with until I can be with Gary again and I've been totally upfront about this. I value your opinion...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Trish...I know it's tough to deal with someone else having your loved one's belongings. As you know...Gary and I were together 11 years and his exwife took everything of his that was in a storage unit...she said since we weren't married it legally belonged to his 16 year old son. I was too depressed to fight it and like you...although it totally sucks I guess the best advice I could give you is to pick your battles and not to lose too much energy on this. YOU KNOW James would like you to have his belongings and that's all that's really important here...yes..she should have given them to him years ago but some people's egos won't allow them to do that. You have the most treasured gift and that is his love for you...peace...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...everyone needs to go at their own pace with what they are comfortable with. You'll date when you're ready to date. I think it's human nature to compare....there will never be another Roger or Gary but that doesn't mean we have to spend the rest of our lives alone. My youngest son turned 18 today and although I don't think I'll ever love like that again the way I love Gary...I do want a friend/companion to do things with. Take care my dear friend...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Cindisue, You are right I don't want to be alone the rest of my life either but I am scared after last summer with that one guy I dated..your right thier will never be another Roger or Gary or James thier maybe guys that look like them but their are ot them..I just don't want you to get hurt like I was..with that guy last summer..you mean alot to me..but I also don't expect anyone or myself to stayed locked up forever and never date again I just have to learn to trust again..and right now with my bad luck on things I am afraid of tryin anything..I think you will love again ..but like you said not in the same way..cause your love with Gary was very special thing that you and him shared and no man will ever be like him maybe someday you will love deeply again..I want that for you..to see you find a good sweet caring man like Gary was too..you got a good head on your shoulder my friend..lot better then I do..I am always a nervous wreak always doing stuff wrong according to my parents nothing I do is ever good enough..I feel like my mother and stepfather think I am the worst parent and hearin them complain all the time has really put my self esteem down very low even when I dated last sunmmer I was bitched at my mother had a fit sayin I must not had loved Roger which made me mad and guilty and her sayin that and stuff just ruined how I fee about even going out anymore I am too scared to give anyone a chance anymore I am just to tired of being a wrong person all the time..so I just been stayed locked up at home I never go no where just me and Byron.. I wanna go out but after the deal with the guy takin pics at the store that kinda ended me doing anything..so most of the time I sit and home depressed..and hear my mom and stepfather call me every so often to complain bout everything..I wish they would just leave me alone sometimes or try to stop complaining for one day..my nerves can not take it noe more..I can't tell my oldest daughter if I do she runs to my mom to tell her exactly what I said....sad is'nt it I love my daughter but her I can't even tell anything she can't keep her mouth closed..now my youngest daughter is different I can tell her anything and she will keep what I say between us..but she lives so far and i have;nt seen her for about 6 monthes maybe soon I can visit her hopefully when my back gets better..well I guess I will run for now..sorry girlfriend..if I said anything bad..you now I love and care about you and worry about you alot...

Love and Hugs,

Cindy

[jcruzgirl]

CindySue,

You should try to stand up to your mom and step father. Tell them how their complaining and cutting you down makes you feel. That it is NOT fair to you to hear their complaints and that you are who you are and if they don't like it to not call. I HAD to stand up to my mother and you know what??? I think that she may have started to listen... She hasn't said one bad thing to me since. I basically told her that I was who I am and if she didn't like me for that, than it was HER problem and NOT mine. I was very stern in saying this and didn't get upset, but told her like it was. I think that James gave me the strength, for I never used to say things like this to her... You NEED to get out of your home. It is NOT good for you to be locked up the way you and Byron are. This is contribute to your depression. I know that you were afraid after that guy took pictures, but you also said that he is locked up... Try to do little things, maybe go to a park with Byron or out to shop. You need to do something Cindy, I worry about you and I too would be depressed if I didn't go to work every day. Let me tell you... I thank God for my job, for it is helping me to live again. I look forward to going to work, it is my outlet in life... That said, I love you sis and am very concerned about your depression. Take good care of yourself and quit beating yourself up. No one said that you HAD to be by yourself the rest of your life. Your mother had NO RIGHT to tell you that you didn't love Roger. You loved him very much, but he died. You are ALLOWED to date and find someone to love again. I know that they will never be Roger, but they don't have to be. Don't let your mom rule your life. And as far as not being able to talk, you have CindiSue Withani, Mark and Myself. We promise NOT to go and tell your mom/step-father anything!!!!! XOXO Trish

[jcruzgirl]

CindiSue Withani,

You must have had a lot of self control when Gary's step wife took everything. You two were together for 11 years, not 11 days. I would have been very upset. But then again, for the first couple of months anyone would have been able to take anything for I was so in that "fog" that I could not think straight. At least it all went to his son. I know that James would want me to get his things and share them with his kids. I will do this if and when I get them. I know that his family loved him, but they were not there for James, at least not while I was with him. His sister told me that James would call at their homes and they would, on purpose, NOT ANSWER THE PHONE.... James was no angel when he was younger, but he changed and this is the man that I met and fell in love with. Too bad that no one else in his family knew the man that I did. Very sad for them. At least his mother and sister got to see him before he passed and they saw that he had a good home and a good life. At least this is what they tell people and I know that James and I had things going good, so I know this. I also know that if was me that James spent the rest of his life with... He loved me and I him. That I can keep and NO ONE can take that away.

XOXO

Trish

[cindysue]

Trish, I will never be happy, I already know that..look at what kind of mother I became Byron gets hurt in my care..I feel so gulity over that..Trish I wanna say how unfaitr it is that you can't have all of James's things I don't know all these Exe's think that they can just keep everything I mean you were the last one with him he loved you..Cindisue went through the same thing..pretty sad when someone dies people can be so downright mean..and think thier the ones that were so close..and have all the right to keep it..James would have wanted you to have them...makes me sick to be honest that people can do that I can't say I know how you feel as I did'nt have that problem..but I know I think I would know how I feel..maybe someday I will get out I don't know if I did I would probably screw up anyway...I am scared of all men I shake when I am even close to one and I can't even look a man in the face..and if they smile at me I wanna run..I don't want a guy to get interested in me..I am scared I want Roger back I don't wanna date I don;t wanna start all over again..but I know Roger is dead and thiers nothing I can do but live alone..I love my mom but I guess she expects me to be alone as long as she was after Dad died she was alone for 21 years then finally married I have a feelin she expects me to be the same way cause she go;s you need to concentrate on Byron you don't need a man..and get this she even bitches cause I get on the computer tellin my daughter that I am too old to get on the computer that I should be watchin Byron..I never knew thier was a age limit for a computer..I was always in the wrong in her eyes and my sister was the perfect one they never complain about her they always brah ger up she is older then me..but its always been this way every since I can remember my mom favors my oldest sister and my youngest brother my youngest brother cause he is mentally retarted so she babies him so that leave me and my other brother..he lives in another town and never calls mom too much...I know my mom loves me but she treats me at times like I am a kid and sometimes she complains about everything I feel like givin up ...well I am gonna run thanks sis for caring about me

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[jcruzgirl]

CindySue,

First of all you had better ask your mother at what age is too old to be on this contraption for I need to let my Grandmother, who is 87, know that she is NOT allowed to e-mail anymore. My mother is laughing as well, mom spends more time on here than I do... That is just too silly... I can't believe that your mother told you that you are too old to be on here... Maybe your mother is NOT happy in her own life. Did you ever think about that??? I am NOT trying to cut down your mom or make her/you feel bad, but it sounds like she feels that if she had to make sacrifices, than you should. YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER, and Thank God for that. You are a KIND, LOVING, CARING MOTHER AND FRIEND. You just need to remember that your mother isn't GOD and although our mom's may think that they are at some times, we know that they are not...

You are afraid to get involved with a man. Who said that you had to??? Maybe you just aren't ready. Maybe you are, but you feel guilty or afraid. That's ok. I know that right now I can not even think about dating. Of course James has only been gone for 4+ months. Roger has been gone much longer. No one said that you have to be single for 21 years. Everyone grieves differently. I am sorry that your mother can't see that you are a good person. That is HER problem, not yours. I know that you love your mom, but Cindy, you don't have to take her abuse. If she was hitting you would you take that??? She is abusing you verbally. I get the same thing from my mom, from time to time. I finally stood up to her and told her how I feel and it really has made a difference. I can't say that she has completely changed, but she isn't so NEGATIVE towards me now. She just goes on about her business and lets me live my life. Our parents can't live our lives for us, we need to do it for ourselves.

BYRON IS YOUR SON... YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER.... You didn't INTENTIONALLY hurt Byron Cindy... You are talking like you did.... I know for a fact that you love that little man of yours and that you would do anything for him. I also know how much you want to make sure that he gets proper care... Please stop saying that you are a bad mother, for that just is not true. Byron loves you and would be lost without you. We all would.

Well, enough for now.

Take care and smile girl, you are worth it!!!!

Love and hugs,

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

Hi everyone,

Well, I talked to James ex and she was VERY nice. She is going to send me what she has. It is mostly pictures, but she said that she wanted me to have them, so she is sending them this weekend. All of this fretting for NOTHING. I just didn't know what to expect. I am glad that I got it over with and got to talk to her. I think that if things would have been different, I would have been able to be friends with her.

Well, just wanted you all to know.

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, you are such a dear friend, a terrific mom, and a beautiful person. We all want so much for you to be happy, hon. Byron is in the very best of care. Yes, he gets boo boos, he does things that he shouldn't, but look at the $#!^ I did as a kid! You are a loving, caring, doting mommy to Byron, and I still say more children should be so blessed to have such a loving mom as you. Kids get hurt, and this is no reflection on parenting skills. It sounds like your mom is the only one trying to crush you with her thumb. I'm sorry she's doing this, but you can her have her little way, while you remain the best mom in the universe for Byron. I know how much you hurt. I know the depth of your pain. With this, you've been deeply hurt by a lot of men. I'm ashamed of being connected with them by human gender. You deserve happiness. I mean this; all of it. Whether this happiness is in a relationship with a man, or living celibate, and enjoying Byron and your grandchildren, we all want you to find inner happiness. You are the caring friend who helped me through the issues of my past (still, no nitemares). Thank you. You are the caring friend who gave me the perspective I need to help me get through the effects of my wife's illness. Thank you. Helping to heal emotions, giving a different view of the problem, even making me laugh and smile when I only wanted to crawl back under the rock I crawled from under, these show who you are. You are my friend, a dear friend, and a perfect mommy to your girls and Byron. I'm always here to help you, let you cry on my shoulder, or talk about things, or even blow off steam at me. If you need anything, you're always welcome to call or write me at the studio anytime. luv ya both, with big hugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, he says this, and means it, because he cares about you, not the process of dating and all those little things that go with it. I believe he genuinely cares about you. This is so beautiful, having a friend, a companion, to share a giggle, a song, a dance, and even a few tears. Yes, dear, he's "okay" with how you feel about Gary. Truth is, we'll always love our soulmates no matter how much of this life we put between them and our current path, age, status, whatever. It's a difficult thing to do, but with his help, you may be able to love him AND Gary. It's not easy for someone to let us love the one we lost and them. If they care this much, they're one in a million. But then, so are you. Thank you for being such a dear friend. Hugs, luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, sometimes it's a heartache or worse to return things after a relationship ends. While she didn't return them to James in person, James will still get them back. By marriage, you two are one. He's still beside you, still with you, although he lives in the eternal realm. Thank you for all the kindness and wisdom you gave Cindy. You're a true and precious friend. I hope you have a great nite, and a happy day tomorrow. God bless you, my dear friend. hugs, me

[withani]

CindySue...I hope I don't upset you by saying this but I think your mom is NUTS!!!! Maybe she's envious of you...I haven't decided yet...but to put and age of someone who gets on the computer as well as all the other cr** she's said to you makes me angry because you are such a sweet big hearted friend who wouldn't hurt a fly. I don't like seeing you unhappy and I think Trish had some really good advice when she suggested that you MAY want to try looking for a job...just part time..a couple days a week to get you out of the house!!! It's hard being locked up all day with a two year old and you need adults to have conversations with...you don't have to date anyone but a circle of friends who you can physically see I think would do you a WORLD OF GOOD!!! Which makes it good for Bryon as well. Just something to consider my dear friend...we all want to see something that will make you smile ....love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Trish...I'm so glad the ex is forwarding James personal belongings to you...that's where they belong. I was in such a fog when everything was taken away that I didn't have the strength to fight. I think it's really sad when someone takes advantage of us in that situation. Fortunately I have Gary's tools...a few shirts and pants...and a couple guitars. His landlord and our friend has some of Gary's things in the basement of his apartment that he said I should come over and get but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet...I know it would be a Cry Fest so I avoid it.

I think you gave great advice to CindySue early today about work

Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...you ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY!!!! It's amazing...whenever I doubt where I am in this process you know exactly what to say to bring me peace and I am eternally greatful. With the ups and down of Mary's health I just want to say THANK YOU!!! Hugs and love...CindiSue

[cindysue]

To All MY Friends, I don't know what I would do without you all givin me support and advice..I hate it that my mom and stepfather feels like I am not doing a good job when I try so very hard..I hurt so bad..and feel so down..and when a man makes a compliment to me sayin how beatiful I am or how pretty I am I get where I wanna cry cause I think ok he only want to go to bed with me..and I won't even respond..what is wrong with me I am sur all guys are not like that..what makes me this way?? why do I get so frightened..I guess maybe n my mind I think they are just sayin that..I guess my self esteem is pretty low on everything now a days..I wish I could just go out and get a job but I can barely move I hert everyday just walkin to the living room I cry..my fibermylegia is worse and I know they say thats alot due to depression too..I stopped going to the store..I wanna take bYron out so bad and play with him outside..but being outside is to depressing..thiers nothing out thier for me..I know my mom means well but she don't understand what she says hurts me and I wanna just come out and tell her off but I can't.. I would hurt her and make her cry and I can't do that..I can't mkae no one cry it would make me feel worse..I guess I have no backbone..I just don't wanna hurt no ones feelings even if they do mine I can't do it back...all of you have been so wonderful to me and if I ever say anything to ever hurt you or anything please let me know ...cause I don't wanna hurt no one..I talk to no one adult wise unless I call my mom or my daughter but I kinda just sit her and do nothing..but do the best I can to take care of Byron ..he means so much to me..I feel like he really loves me..and I feel all of you love me which I am so happy cause I don't know what I would do without having all of you as my dear friends..I worry about all of you everyday and say a prayer for you..lately I cry easy and I don't want too cause when I cry Byron knows something is wrong..and I don't need him to be depressed too..but anyways thanks all of you I really love all of you so much...

Love and HUgs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, was it something I said? I promised myself many years ago that I'd try to do something nice for others, because of all I went through in the past. I hope you are having the best of all possible days (sorry for the remake of a line from Candide). Make sure you still do those little things for you, cuz you're worth it. You're too dear a friend to not see you spoiled and pampered some. luv ya, with a hug, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, you are as dear a friend as you can be, and the greatest mommy to Byron. Here's my personal take on the whole issue with your mom. You know where I've been, what I've gone through, and all the yuckie little details. I didn't get the respect I needed until the big confrontation, long after I left. Along the way, I learned a lot about life, me, and them. Perhaps, if you tell her how badly her remarks hurt you, she'll calm down a bit. As much as you've been hurt, I understand what you're going through when a man talks to you or compliments you. You are a dear friend, devoted mom, and a beautiful woman (and I have no intention of ever doing anything to hurt you - just saying the truth that you are a beautiful woman). Please take gentle care of yourself. You always have a friend you can trust. Give Byron a big hug from me and my sweetie, please. luv ya both, with hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, I hope today was great your way. I keep thinking of what you talked about in your email. It may be something few can understand, but for those of us who see it, it's believing. I just looked at my clock with that little thought . . . it's only two hours til Jenni says goodnight. Have a good evening, lots of rest, and sweet dreams. hugs, luv, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

This is for you all. My sweetie had a very bad fall today. This is two injury falls in a week. I fully expect to get chewed up and spit out by her doctor. She now can't safely take two steps without a walker. She's also beginning to have difficulties driving her wheelchair. We have to see her doctor tomorrow. I still haven't heard anything from care management. I love the silent treatment. Have a great nite, kids. luv y'all. me

[jcruzgirl]

CindySue,

I was talking to a friend of mine tonight. She has had Fibromyalgia since she was 6 years old. She told me that she sees her Rhuematologist and that he has given her a prescription for both Depression and Fibromyalgia. It is one pill, but it works for both. I can't even pronounce the pill, much less spell it, but if you tell your physician about your depression along with the Fibromyaligia, than you should be able to find some relief. My friend is active and she said that this too helps. She told me that when she sits or doesn't at least get out to walk a few times a week, she aches more than when she does. She is a grade school teacher, so you can imagine that she is busy with the kids in her classes... Any way, you really NEED to see a doctor, it is just not right to allow yourself to be in so much pain when there is relief out there for you.

You are a wonderful person Cindy and I know that you are in that "stuck" position. I have been there a lot lately myself. Just remember to take one day at a time and try not to think so far ahead. You are an adult and no one told you to say anything to hurt your mom. Your mother is hurting me and if you can, you need to sit down and let her know how you feel. I guess that I have just learned, as I was abused for so long, that I can't take it anymore. I need to stick up for myself, for if I don't, no one will. This is just me. I used to allow my mom to really put me down, BAD... I started, a few years ago. to let her know how I felt about the things that she said to me. It is finally paying off. I only have to talk to her about these things about once every 6 months now, not every day/week/month. It was a long drawn out process, but it has been made easier, as I know that she now realizes that I am who I am and if she doesn't like it, it is just too bad. Nothing worth it happens overnight, but within time it will get better. You just need to sit down and talk it out... It can't hurt and believe me it was a scream fest the first few hundred times, but after a while, it got better and better and better...

Well, I pray that you have some peace this weekend.

Take care and please give Byron a hug from me.

Trish

[cindysue]

Mark, Oh No I am so sorry to hear about Mary and her second fall..this is aweful as always my heart go;s out to you and her..I think its so comfortaing to know Jenni still comes around to give her dad his night time hug..I'll bet you look forward too that..sometimes I think Roger does that with Byton he is doing stuff that I never taught him and only Roger would do like tickle his own feet..and putting his hands up in the air and comming down slowly mmaking like a bee and tickling me or his own tummy..and no one has taught him that but when his daddy was alive thats thier game they did everynight and lately thats all Byton does he loves it..but anyways Mark, I am praying really hard for Mary and her health..the falls can't be good for her but its not your fault you can't be in 2 different places at once..what a good husband you are so caring and sweet..and loving..and Mark thankyou for the compliment when it comes from you I know you are being honest from your heart your not like all the other men that I can't trust...you are a sweet wonderful friend...that I can feel like I can tell anything too..and I thankyou for that cause I will always be here for you also..even though I gets depreesed alot I still love you and Mary alot..and think of you too often..well take care and you are in my prayers..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Trsih, Thankyou so much I am gonna tell my doctor to give me something for this I am tired of hurting..its so hard to chase Byron when I am..Trish you are so sweet and kind sis and I don't know what I would do without your support and advice all of you are so smart and just know the right words to say..I just wanna feel normal like a normal good mommy I guess I been hearing so long all my faults I doubt I'll ever hear the good things I do.. or maybe I don't have many..even if they think I don't I really do I do care about people and LOve everyone I would never ever hurt anyone intentually..I been hurt too much in my life lately course its my fault I do stupid things...I don't think with my head sometimes I remember my stepfather sayin not too long ago he go;s if you can't take care of Byron give him up to someone that can..he needs a better home where someone can play with him and take him outside and no stay indoors cause they are in pain...I had to hear my own parents tell me to give uo my little guy cause they say right now he is suffering by not doing the stuff he should be doing..they don't realize the pain I feel and how bad I want to do thing with Byron...but one thing I'll NEVER do is give up my baby he was my last precious gift Roger gave me he would want me to be the best mommy I can be...I think Roger if he was alive would remember alot how my mom used to be with me cause alot of times he would tell me to stay away from her for awhile...thiers times my mother was fine..and she was for a long time till she go remarried to this guy and he picks on me all the time then he tells me I say this cause I love you ..your just like my daughter..but he is only hurting me cause he just eggs mom on to pick on me too they say it cause they love me..well I love my girls but I would never pick on them like that..but anyways I gotta run thanks Trish your an angel..

Love and Hugs,

Cindy and Byron

[withani]

Hi Mark..CindySue..Trish...this is just a quick note because I have a lot going on today but just wanted to stop in to say:

Mark...so sorry to hear about Mary's fall...I KNOW she's getting the BEST care possible so don't be too hard on yourself my friend..

CindySue...I KNOW things will get better for you...when you hit rock bottom the only other way is UP...Trish has given you some wonderful advice and I hope you check out the prescription she suggested...it could be the start to a new life

Trish...You're AWESOME!!! What great advice you have given CindySue for fibromalagia...I think it's great how you can be there for everyone through your own grief...

LOVE AND HUGS ALL AROUND...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Trish, if you can give me the first letter of the name of that pill, I may be able to figure it out for us all. Amitryptaline (spelling optional???) works on both, so does Nortriptaline, Zoloft, and sometimes Effexor. These are all antidepressants with an ability to work of specific types of pain. You have permission to slap the shrink silly for knowing too much about pills. But, don't mess with my hairdo, please. hehehe. I'm happy you are getting the message through to your mom. Sometimes, parents have expectations or dreams for their children, or they may even fail to let their children become adults. It's a process, and one that requires acceptance on everyone's part. Be patient. I'm praying for ya, my dear friend. Have a happy Saturday. hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, please ask your doctor for something to control the pain. You have enough to deal with, girl, so let's get the pain under control, so you can concentrate on the important matters, like Byron. Just so you know to look for it, by the end of next week, he should be getting a little "package" for his birthday. I'm sending it on payday so it's sure to get there on time. He's leaving the terrible two's behind, and going into the threatening three's. Have fun, sweetheart. luv ya both, with big hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, I think for the moment I'm too tired to be too upset with myself. My son has some project for me tomorrow afternoon, so I'm sleeping in. For me, that's waking up at about 3pm. Hope you have a happy, hectic weekend. luv ya, dear friend, me

[aprilsmom]

sheesh, I can't read fast enough to keep up with you folks! I've been away 'cuz my older brother had a quadruple bi-pass and now he's doing amazingly well......blows my mind actually. So I was the one for my sister, other brother, nephews, etc. to crack jokes in the ICU waiting room. I got some very strange stares, but what the heck, I just kept saying, "Daves ALIVE, he's tough, think positive". I guess since April left us, nothing will ever seem as bad again. Gotta veg, my son wants to game on this computer. Love you all, R-

[cindysue]

Ohhhhh Mark, I don't know what to say...you don't have to go through all that trouble to send Byron something..you are just to softhearted...I would love you no matter what..you are the sweetest guy I know..I was tryin to figure out money wise what or if I can get Byron anything in time for his birthday I spent so much money on doctor bills..but I am gonna try to get him something..he's my sweet little angel ..How is Mary doing and how are you holding up??? I hope your gettin some sleep my friend..you need to sleep..are you gettin anymore chest pains?? I was so worried when I heard you was gettin them..made me think of Roger..and I sure don't want you to go through that...I love you and Mary please give Mary a gentle hugs from me and Byron..and hugs to you too..

Renee, nice hearin from you..I am sorry about your brother I will pray for his quick and speedy revovery..you sound like you was the one holding the family together as much as you can through the hours..bless you for that..what an angel you are to be so strong...

Cindisue, Hope your weekend is going good, I don't know what I would do without your really good advice ...you always are so sweet to me and so nice and caring..seems like all of my wonderful friends on here is all I have ..

Trish, my sweet friend. You always have such good advice whenever I need it I am going to the doctors Mon so I am gonna ask him for something..I can't stand living this way any more always in pain always depressed.. and tryin to be happy..no fun at all...thankyou girlfriend for everything..

I love each and Everyone of you so much,

Cindysue and baby Byron

[jcruzgirl]

Hi everyone,

I am not in the mood for writing tonight, but I needed to come to tell you all that I have been reading your posts. I will do a quick reply...

Mark - I think that the meds begin with an L, but will check with my friend tomorrow and get back to you with it. How is Mary feeling since her last fall??? I pray that things are ok by you. I am concerned and here for you. You have my number, so use it if you need someone to talk to.

CindySue - I am so glad that you are going to go to see your doctor. Please be open with him/her and let them help you. I spoke to my friend last night. She is a counselor, NOT MINE, but I asked her if people can heal from depression and she told me "ABSOLUTELY", so I have great hope and faith that you too can get past this little bump in the road. I know that it feels horrible right now, but just remember that you have many friends that love you. Also we can choose our friends, but not our relatives!!!! Please give Byron a HUGE hug from me....

CindiSue Withani - I just wanted to say hello. I went to the casino today. My family leaves on Monday, so I am going to be missing them. Granny wanted to go one last time before she goes home, so she spent MANY hours gambling. So cute. She worked hard for her money, so she might as well spend it!!! I have always given 100% of myself to others. It is hard for me to do the same for myself. Funny how that works. I am working on it though and believe me, I am MUCH better today than I was a couple of years ago!!!

Renee - I wrote you about your amazing story. You are a wonderful person. You got the strength you needed on that particular day and made a difference in that man's life. Truly a blessing.

Hugs and Peace to you all.Love,

Trish

Renee -

[jcruzgirl]

Renee - I am so sorry for your brother. I will say a prayer for his speedy recovery. Although it sounds like he is already doing great!!!

XOXO

Trish

[aprilsmom]

Thank you for the prayers Trish; Dave is doing better than anyone expected. Your communication and sharing with that girl was amazing too - you blessed her with what James is unable to convey. I feel truly honored that the Lord would use us to bring comfort to someone else. Why I can't forgive the "other" girl is yet to be seen but I believe the Lord will reveal the whole thing to me someday if I just behave myself......difficult, difficult. Take Care all, R-

[jcruzgirl]

Renee,

Behaving is NEVER easy to do. But at times it is what must be done. I know that if I were in your shoes I would have pulled that girls hair out. Then started on from that point. Guess that is why God did not put me in your shoes.

I am having a good day, so far, today. I am sad that my family leaves tomorrow, but I have a lot of things that I really want to try, so I am also excited about that. I plan on meditating much more and getting even closer to the spiritual realm than I am now...

Have a peaceful night!!!

XOXO

Trish

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, girls! Who wants to behave? Is there any fun in that? It seems a little quiet around here this weekend. I opted for sleeping, so yesterday was completely shot, and then I woke up at about 5pm today.

Renee, I can easily see you as the one making with the comedy in an ICU. It shows that you aren't all filled with worry, but faith enough to trust God's work in your brother. I'm praying for you all, like I always have. Perhaps God doesn't want you in a place where you'll be tempted to act out of emotions, instead of Christian faith, so He's not letting you "see" what was going on. He often has to do that with me: I'm not the best at keeping my feelings in check, especially if my kids are where they can be hurt by someone.

Trish, thanks for the info. I can think of a few pills starting with L, Lyrica, Loratadine, which can work in different body regions, so they can ease pain and help emotions. Lyrica is good for pain. It's from Neurontin, which is widely used in the psychiatric world, but also in neurology. It helps pain, but messes with the patient's head a little.

Cindy, I don't want you worried about Byron's birthday. I'll be sure to have something there by the end of the week. You are always in my prayers, dear friend. Take care of the doctor bills and don't worry about things. This is why you have friends. I may not be the perfect person to tell you anything about doctor bills. I'm debating a mortgage to pay off all the expenses from her hospitalizations. Fortunately, I paid off the house last month. Yippee! No more payments! Feels good to have a few pennies in my pocket. hehehe. Hope you're planning an adorable birthday cake for your little three year old. They grow up too fast. Gee, I have only one left who isn't an adult.

I am getting rest (maybe too much). The chest pains are settling down, and now almost non-existent. Since her last fall, my wife is healing slowly, but doing okay. There are some bruises left, but the cuts are healing well. Her doctor, care manager, and I have decided that she needs more supervision, especially when walking. This may be a lot more work, but I want her safe, not getting hurt so much. She has started "behaving" better, and stays out of the kitchen unless I'm with her. If I'm sleeping, she asks our children to do her cooking. If it all works out this time, my daughter will be home within two weeks. She'll stay for about a month, then I may try to drive her home so I can see my grandson. I miss him so much, I want to cry. He's getting so tall now. In September, he'll be in kindergarten. They grow up toooooo fast!

Luv y'all, with hugs, Me

[aprilsmom]

Boy Mark, you are RIGHT and I know it, so keep reminding me!!! I am very concerned about your having chest pains; please, please, if they start and do not go away after a brief time-GO TO THE HOSPITAL! After watching what my brother just went through I know that God works miracles through those cardiac teams. I told my brother that he couldn't go be with April yet and YOU DEFINITELY can not go yet either. That's an order.....sheesh, so much for my behaving.

Trish - I hope you get right in to one of your new adventures and don't get too homesick for your family. It is awesome how James is comforting you and your good spirits are always shining for us! You can be down too if you need to though:) thank God were not all down at the same time huh?

Cindy- enjoy that B-Day with your son and be sure to get the meds you need. I know zoloft has been mentioned before and it really helps me. I have almost weaned myself off now, only take it a few times each week, only 50mgs.

Cindi Sue; hows the new companionship going lady? He sounded pretty nice to me. Take Care all, Hug to Mary too, Renee

[cindysue]

Hi Everyone, I feel like cryin..why can't things evver look up for me.. I went to the doctor and my Iron is way down again and have to start Iron infusions my iron level is 7.2 and I am told around 12 to 14 is normal..no wonder I feel so wore out and so tired..I told the doctor I can't have this done I don't have insurance but he said I have to or end up in hosp..so I have no choise but to have it done I will have to go for 6 weeks once a week have an IV in me which will take like 4 hours each time..he want to see me in a month if this don't work then I will have to have a blood transfusion..and be in hosp a few days..I wanna be feelin better for Byron...this is so depressing no wonder I am so tired I can barely function..but I will do what the doctor says..I hope your all doing good and feelin ok...I guess my spirits are down a little first one thing then another...well to all of you I thankyou all so much for being here for me even though I am always seem down you all bring me up I don't know what I would do without all of you..well I am gonna go and make dinner for Byron and give him his 3rd bath today..one of them days where he got into everything he can think of to rub in his hair to slick it back...

Love to you all,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindy, please, hon, take care of your iron. I'm very worried about you. Get the rest you need. Byron is a very understanding little guy, so I'm sure he won't be upset if you can't keep up with him like you want to. Keep an eye on your mail. Btron has something for his birthday and a little extra for Easter. If you need anything, please call me, and we'll do all we can to help. I'm serious about the offer. Now, how did you get out with giving only three baths today? He must be having a really quiet day. hehehe. Watch out for tomorrow. He'll make up for lost time. hehehe. My puter was out from a virus, so I had to fix that before coming back online. I just love those hacker jerks . . . as much as pinkeye. love you both, with hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, now, try to behave. tee hee. I have some cool news for you, but it's private so I'll email you. You'll love it. We're all having a good day here, and less pain, so I'm rejoicing. I'll talk soon, as long as I don't get virused again in my puter. luv ya, hugs, me

[withani]

Hi Mark...CindySue..Trish and Renee! Wow...looks like it was a busy weekend here.

Mark...glad to hear your home was running smoothly over the weekend and that Mary is healing well..also happy to hear you're sleeping

CindySue...do what the doctor tells you with your iron...I was anemic a couple years ago and you'll feel like a million bucks when you get that straightened out...like I said the other day..the only way for you is UP...smile girlfriend..

Trish..I'm glad you had fun with family over the weekend...all of us here have who have been walking our grief journey know how important times are with family and friends so I'm happy you had some good times

Renee...I'm glad you were able to "lighten up" the mode for the surgery over the weekend..sounds like that's what you were called to do and you did it fabulously of course!!! Watched a couple movies with the companion over the weekend...he is a nice guy...just very hard to hang out with someone new so I focus on being laid back and taking the whatever approach.

It's always great coming to this sight...you all are such great friends...thank you for being here...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Hi My Dear Friends,

I will try to get better but seems like I am always anemic last year I was and had to have Iron infusions for 6 weeks and I hate havin them...I get them all the time but sadly most of the time the pills do not work on me...so they usually give me the infusions or a blood transfusion..I feel so sad I can't afford to get Byron anything special for his birthday I have enough for a cake..but my next check that does'nt come till the 19th I am gonna get him something...but I am sure my mom and sister and my daughters will get him something...Mark you are too kind..Byron just loved the last present you gave him he still plays with it..he will be so excited to get something words can't explain how happy you and Mary have made me but seriously I would still luv you my friend even if you did'nt but you have such a sweet heart..and I do appreciate your caring ways...Cindisue I will try all I can to get better I can't wwait to feel like myself again...well to all of you thanks again ...

Love and hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[jcruzgirl]

Hi Everyone,

I have been very busy lately. Seems like I NEVER get the time to get on here lately. I have you all in my thoughts and prayers and think about you very often.

CindySue - Please be careful my sister. I hate that you are so sick all of the time. I wish that there was something that we could do to make you all better. Please give Byron a HUGE hug from me... I wish that I could help you with him as well, times are tight for me right now... Oh course that is a whole other issue.

Mark - I am glad that you know so much about medication, for I know where to turn to when I need to know something. How are you doing my friend??? I don't get much time online at night. I got a roommate... YEP, that is why I have been so busy. It is a friend of James and Mine that used to live with us. Well, he needed a place to move and I needed someone to help me out with the bills, so it should work out, I PRAY!!! I don't know, as he just moved in last night, but at least I am not alone and he is NOT my type, so don't go worrying about that... YUCK!!!!!!!

CindiSue Withani - I e-mailed you, but was not sure if it went through. It took a really long time to connect and then did not send me a confirmation. Sure do hope that you got it.

Renee - Believe me, I DO GET DOWN... I try not to let life get me too down though. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard at night. I cry myself to sleep every night. I do feel James when I am my lowest and he calms me... I have a little memorial set up on our dresser for him. I just took some of the things that he used to use on a daily and a few little things that remind me of him and a candle and set them up. It doesn't look tacky or anything like that, but I want him to know that he is ALWAYS welcome in our room and our home.

Well, I am at work, so I had better get my butt off of here for now.

I love you all!!!

Trish

[jcruzgirl]

Hi Everyone,

I have been very busy lately. Seems like I NEVER get the time to get on here lately. I have you all in my thoughts and prayers and think about you very often.

CindySue - Please be careful my sister. I hate that you are so sick all of the time. I wish that there was something that we could do to make you all better. Please give Byron a HUGE hug from me... I wish that I could help you with him as well, times are tight for me right now... Oh course that is a whole other issue.

Mark - I am glad that you know so much about medication, for I know where to turn to when I need to know something. How are you doing my friend??? I don't get much time online at night. I got a roommate... YEP, that is why I have been so busy. It is a friend of James and Mine that used to live with us. Well, he needed a place to move and I needed someone to help me out with the bills, so it should work out, I PRAY!!! I don't know, as he just moved in last night, but at least I am not alone and he is NOT my type, so don't go worrying about that... YUCK!!!!!!!

CindiSue Withani - I e-mailed you, but was not sure if it went through. It took a really long time to connect and then did not send me a confirmation. Sure do hope that you got it.

Renee - Believe me, I DO GET DOWN... I try not to let life get me too down though. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard at night. I cry myself to sleep every night. I do feel James when I am my lowest and he calms me... I have a little memorial set up on our dresser for him. I just took some of the things that he used to use on a daily and a few little things that remind me of him and a candle and set them up. It doesn't look tacky or anything like that, but I want him to know that he is ALWAYS welcome in our room and our home.

Well, I am at work, so I had better get my butt off of here for now.

I love you all!!!

Trish

[cindysue]

Trish, Please don't worry about not being able to help and get Byron anything I still love you girl I don;t expect nothing...I know how it is not havin enough money month by month I worry if I can do it..Just havin all you friends being here is good enough you all of such a kind heart...as being Byron's mommy I feel like I wish I could do so much more for him...he deserves better then me..he deserves his daddy here too..but sadly that will never happen I just am hopin Byron will never forget what a great daddy he had...could'nt ask for better Roger was the type that if someone was hurt or any child or person was hurt he would cry..seems wierd cause alot of men don't wanna show tears but he did and thats what I loved about him he did'nt act macho like so many men do..and thinkin cryin is a sign of weakness..which it is'nt..I'll bet James and Gary was like that showed tears I know Mark has too sweet sensitive guys like that will try to hide it but when you really look at them you see the tears..I am sorry I have no idea why I am sayin all this I guess I am sittin here thinkin what could have been wishing Roger could be with baby Byron on his 3rd birthday..I am gonna make it so special for him...he will have fun..I am feelin not the best with my Iron being so screwed up..I fell lastnight and hurt my other leg..I guess I am weaker then I thought I was carring a case of diet pepsi and down I went..got a bruise on my face and a black eye will my face hit the corner of my table but I'll be ok just so tired..and feelin so down...well sis I am gonna go for now and check on Byron..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Byron

[withani]

CindySue...Roger will be with you and Bryon on his third birthday in spirit my dear friend and you are doing a WONDERFUL job as Bryon's mother...NEVER FORGET THAT....we all want MORE for our children...I've raised my children with only MY income the past 13 years and although it hasn't been easy it has given them depth. All three are very interesting children..now adults with my youngest graduating from high school this year. My youngest...Tony...had to make a senior memory book and in this book he addressed being raised by Gary and how happy it made him to be considered Gary's son. Gary could never contribute financially and yes he would cry in front of me which I felt was a man of true character...we were blessed by his prescence.

I've mentioned this before and I'll say it again that the bond between you and Bryon is so special...you *beam* when you speak of him. Everything will work out...trust in yourself and trust in God.

We love you!!!!! CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Trish...no unfortunately I didn't get your email

I'm glad to hear you took on a room mate...sounds like a good call. I had to giggle when I read about your shrine because I have one too!!! Very important to me...

I hope you are able to enjoy some peaceful time this week my friend...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani