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Storm

Can fathers suicide break my sex drive?

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Storm

Not sure if this is the right forum to post this in but looking for advice or affirmation that I am not broken. 

A year an a half ago I lost my father to suicide. 
I had already been with my current partner for a year and a half when it happened. We lived together and were in the beginning stages of building a very solid relationship but like any "new" relationship, we had our struggles of learning each others boundaries and triggers and how to properly communicate with one another.

I decided to go to Costa Rica solo because I was off work for the time and she was busy with work. While I was there I received the news about my father. Being alone in a foreign country and hearing this news was earth shattering - the worst thing I can ever imagine experiencing.
The way my partner reacted and handled everything was so admirable. She had me on a plane and home in no time. She was so supportive and strong in every way she could be.  It showed me what an incredible human being she is. I believe that the harshness of the situation brought us closer together and made us inseparable. 
-----
Before my father died, we had a good healthy sex life. That being said, our relationship was still fairly new. The unexpected loss of my father made a huge impact on my labido which I figured is normal during the grieving process. 
Now a year and a half of healing from these wounds, I would think my drive should be somewhat normal again but it's not. 
This is very hard for her because her "love language" is physical touch. 
Over the last year and a half, we have definitely had good moments of intimacy, but I know it's not enough to make her feel sufficient, loved, or desired. 
Sometimes I have sex dreams and they feel really good but when I wake up, I am back to feeling celibate! 
Shes VERY understanding and often defends me when I am hard on my self about it. Her compassion never seizes to amaze me. I do have a lot of guilt about it though. I feel like I take so much from her and can't give what she needs in return. 
How hard is it to just suck it up and give her the hour of intimacy she needs to feel loved? Very hard apparently. 
While she still finds me very desirable, I have absolutely no desire to pursue sexuality. If she does try, I find my self getting defensive and shutting down emotionally OR getting upset/angry. I feel pressured even when she isn't pressuring me. 
Because I can't fulfill her like this, I start to question if we really should be together? Am I relying on her emotionally in a way that is not healthy for our relationship? 
The times I do want to pursue sex, which is becoming less and less, I think it's more hormonal/primal rather than sexual intimate desires. 
I guess I am confused if the sudden suicide of my Dad would cause this? Is this apart of grief? Even a year and a half later? 
I can't ever imagine letting this person go - we have such a solid relationship in all aspects except sexually - but sometimes I wonder if I should free her from this. She deserves so much more that I don't know if I can authentically ever give her.
The relationship has integrated into a companionship for me, and she's left needing the attention and affection that I struggle to give. 
It's heart breaking. 

Any one else experience this? 

 

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ModKonnie

While people do report a loss of desire or a lack of sex drive following a traumatic event, including deaths, I have no idea how long that may last. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about this. Is it possible something else is going on, perhaps a physical issue you need to deal with? Why don't you ask her what she wants and is she okay with the change in things? You may be pleasantly surprised at her answer. 

I wish you the best,

ModKonnie

 

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Utah Ang

I lost my sister 8 months ago to suicide, and it has completely destroyed mine.  I'm thankful you said something, I was starting to feel the same and like I was alone in that department. 

Still be physical with her, even if it's not sexually, try snuggling, rubbing her back and feet, hugging her a lot and that will help her to know you still love her and want to be with her.  Talk to her about it, and if she's understanding, she will work through it with you. 

Sex has its ups and downs in all relationships, not all partners will always be on the same level at the same time. Both men and women have issues that come up with health, emotions, and hormones that can have a big impact in that department. I find not everybody is always willing to talk about it, but it's defiantly happening in many relationships.  

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Untiltomorrow

It's normal but also remember not to compare it to the new relationship feeling. That pressure will kill it too. You're at a familiar stage and those can take work to revive sexually. 

But yes, grieving attacks all your senses. There is no clear date when that all floods back. Ya know. 

I know when I put my mind in places to distance myself from my SO, seeing him at work with others, reminding myself others would love to have him, or think about losing him another way, or plan dates where we are new to each other.. etc.. that can help snap my brain out of a rut. I'm not a professional or anything so maybe books or counseling/experts are a good idea. 

Good luck hun. This is normal. Hang in there. 

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