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peppajane

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I am new at this and I dont know if I am in the right place. I am a sgt. in the 82nd airborne division and me and my wife were blessed with a beautyful baby boy named brandon on the 29th of aug. last year. He was born with 4 major heart defects and had to had open heart sugery and was hooked up to an ECMO life support thing for 2 weeks. We couldnt do anything but watch him die. I dont know how to deal with it since at my job I can not show fear or my personal life interfearing with the daily grind. I train and lead soldiers into combat and I CAN NOT BE WEAK. But inside it hurts and I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. Does this ever go away? Can I be normal again? With the war and this and then 3 weeks after we burried brandon we watched our appartment burn in flames because of the dumbass next to us. WHY DOES GOD DO THIS? I know I have sins on me because I have lived for 25 years but why my son? WHAT DID HE DO? He was perfect in every way. And that boy never cried once. Even with the tubes in his chest. They had him on enough sedation to knock out my entire company BUT HE STILL OPENED HIS EYES. He was a paratrooper just like his daddy. But sometimes daddy doesnt think he is strong enough to keep up going on. Daddy doesnt know what to do. Does anyone know what to do. This was our first child and it is tearing our marrage apart. I love my wife but I act like I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I dont want revenge I WANT MY BOY. I dont know what to do. Please help.

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there is a song that I like it reminds me of my boy. Its called "who you'd be today" by Kenny chesney. You all might like it. It will make you sad but it will also make you remeber hold you baby like you have to protect it with your life. The only thing you cant protect agains is god. And if we could protect against god my son and your babies would be here today. I gave up everything for him to be safe.

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missingchris

Guest, Please get a user name, or send me your email address. There are many here who can help you through this. We'll try our best to comfort you and to share the tools we've found to work to keep us alive through the death of our children. My husband says what you're feeling is so normal. Men "fix" things, it's just their nature. In this instance, there is nothing you can do to fix it, so helplessness and deep anger and frustration go hand in hand with your grief. Also, the way men and women grieve is SOOOOOO different. Our marraige has barely survived this. But in the end we had to try harder to be there for each other. And we found a Compassionate Friends group to help us with our grief. There's no better place to be than with people who KNOW what you're feeling. When you see your wife cry, you don't have to say anything, just touch her shoulder, or hug her. And once in awhile, allow her to comfort you. This is bigger than any man, or woman, you need each other . It doesn't get any worse than this.

Please email me. And know we understand your pain, and your grief .

Hugs, Chris's Mom

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Guest please feel free to post in either of the places you have chosen. There have been some answers on both that could be helpful. This is so hard. You mentioned the song. When our son died that night we listed to I Hope You Dance over and over again while my daughter and I sat in the living room just devastated from what had happened. Everytime I hear that song it brings me back to that night. I don't know why, but I like hearing that song, knowing that Kirk probably was with us in spirit listening to it, also. This is so hard to have to go through and what the song says is so true, wondering about who they would be today is hard. Jim

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"GUEST"----posted to you on the other thread----Grief and the Court System----Why not post here to start with? This "I am doing research" is a little creepy.

Sorry--Guys, give us your story.....WE are all smart, saavy. and beyond games.

WillsMom

P.S.

Information is needed here.

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Guest, please accept my apolgies---there are so many of you posting as "Guest" that I lose track of who is who~~post wherever you like~~ I just am easily confused, I suppose. WillsMom

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hi have not been on the site for a while, had to change user name. been about a year. my little boy Ellis died in 2004 he was born at 24 weeks. i remembered about the site and decided to have a look. i remember talking to Kirksdad at the time. its his second birthday soon so i'm feeling rather sad. glad you are all okay

love peppa.

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I am new at this and I dont know if I am in the right place. I am a sgt. in the 82nd airborne division and me and my wife were blessed with a beautyful baby boy named brandon on the 29th of aug. last year. He was born with 4 major heart defects and had to had open heart sugery and was hooked up to an ECMO life support thing for 2 weeks. We couldnt do anything but watch him die. I dont know how to deal with it since at my job I can not show fear or my personal life interfearing with the daily grind. I train and lead soldiers into combat and I CAN NOT BE WEAK. But inside it hurts and I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. Does this ever go away? Can I be normal again? With the war and this and then 3 weeks after we burried brandon we watched our appartment burn in flames because of the dumbass next to us. WHY DOES GOD DO THIS? I know I have sins on me because I have lived for 25 years but why my son? WHAT DID HE DO? He was perfect in every way. And that boy never cried once. Even with the tubes in his chest. They had him on enough sedation to knock out my entire company BUT HE STILL OPENED HIS EYES. He was a paratrooper just like his daddy. But sometimes daddy doesnt think he is strong enough to keep up going on. Daddy doesnt know what to do. Does anyone know what to do. This was our first child and it is tearing our marrage apart. I love my wife but I act like I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I dont want revenge I WANT MY BOY. I dont know what to do. Please help.

My grandson was born @ 24 weeks. He lived for 4 weeks. Men always try to be 'brave', but don't. I found that my son did not know how to comfort his partner. They both were dealing with the grief in different ways. Don't let is tear apart your marriage. They tried councelling, which may be of help to you and your wife. Do not bottle it up. I can appreciate how things must be at work, fine, but once you are home, that is entirely diffent. Try to be there for each other

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my little boy was sadated for alot of his 4 weeks in hospital, he too managed to open his eyes all the time. when the doctors told us he has been knocked out so much even a rhino wouldn't wake up, he still managed it. me and my partner were still finding it hard up to and past the one year mark. its two years on friday, and i know we will find it hard. but we are there for each other and he knows that i will fall apart, he knows when i do all he can do is stay calm and hold me. my partner isn't an emotional man, and he rarly talks about what happened, but i know he still feels it, he tells me so. to the dad in the army, when you go hame on leave remember that she has been dealing with this alone as you have. you both may have been putting up a front to protect yourselfs yuo need to try and let that front down, and show each other the pain and fear you will both share. the one person you know to be feeling the same as you is the one person you have to show your emotions too. i don't believe there is anything worse in the world that can happen to you. and there were times when i would deliberatly put myself in danger, under the miss guided notion that if i died i would be with my son. the pain you feel won't go away but as my fella says you learn to live with it and learn to put it in its little box to pull out when your able to deal with it. one year ago i didn't believe him, but a year on thats what i've done. i don't pull it out often cause the second i do the pain in my heart and chest comes back. one day i will face up to it. but not yet, and in time you may even do the same. sorry to babble on. i have'nt talked about this for along time so when i do i go on a bit.

take care

love peppa.

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Hi, I haven't posted for a while. I read the post form "Guest". We too lost a baby. It will be one year on July 3rd. I was almost 5 months pregnant but she was perfectly formed. We have pictures of her. She was alive until the night before I had her. They said they couldn't do anything to save her because the law said that she wasn't considered a baby until the 5 month mark. I had 2 weeks to go. Its been a year and we have gone back to work and our lives. We don't talk about her anymore. The only time she is mentioned is when I see a pregnant woman or I realize Im getting close to having to get my tubes tied. But just because we don't talk about her does not mean we have forgotten. I have come to realize that no matter how much time goes by she will always be with us. I don't say I have only 2 children. I have 3, even though she's not here. They are always here. They will always be part of us and even though we never got to know her, she is someone special that we were blessed to have with us for a short time. I used to ask why all the time last year. I couldn't figure out how we could be given such a gift and have it taken away. I don't think there is an answer. I think we just have to accept the fact that we had the privelege of being able to have these angels in our lives. One day we will be with them. Our relationship has grown stronger when I realized that I wasn't the only one going through it. When I started depending on my husband to help me instead of pushing him away, we got stronger. Keep believing in each other. It does get easier. Christine.

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Hi its Christine again. We just went down to see the baby's grave yesterday. It was a 2 hour drive. Its been a year on July 3. The last time we went we couldn't find it because the cemetary was too big. But we managed to find it this time. Its a tiny headstone where they put all the babies who have been cremated all together. I don't know what I was expecting. I thought she would have her own plaque. I really didn't expect it to bother me as much. I don't know, I actually thought if I went there I'd feel better that I finally got there and I'd be good for another year. But it was like living it all over. It felt so lonely like the babies were supposed to be there and it was like there was nothing. I don't know. I know it sounds stupid but it still felt like I was leaving her behind again, only this time I didn't know where I left her. I know that sounds stupid but I felt like crap going home. My husband didn't understand. I guess everyone goes through it different. Does it get easier as the years go by. Christine.

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Christine,

I'm sorry for your pain. Yes, it does get easier as time goes by- I don't know why or how come- but it does. The pain of our loss is always there, but we carry it in a different way. My husband and I grieve differently... and that's just how it is... I don't over think it or make anything of it as long as he allows me to grieve the way that I need to. Hang on and keep seeking support.

Peace to you, Tina

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I am new to this board so I will tell my story and maybe y'all can help me.

My son was born on May 6, 2006 at 27 weeks gestation. I had had a great pregnancy (our first, we had been told 10 years ago I would not conceive)with no problems. When I started bleeding ever so little my doctor sent me to L&D to be monitored but they could not find the heartbeat. My son had died. 12 hours later they started my induction and 24 hours later my son was born. My experience with my doctor was horrible, she called us on the phone once they admitted me to tell me he had died and then did not come to the hospital for another 4 hours! THen she did not even deliver the baby, a stranger did. So on top of our grief, we had no compassion from our doctor.

I miss my son so much. We buried him 2 days later next to my husband's father who had died 6 weeks before. Even though I have gone back to work all I think about is him and where I should be in my pregnancy except he is not with me any longer. I feel so empty and alone and don't know how to move on.

Just wanted to share my story. I know all of us are grieving our losses and I pray for each one of you and your children.

Sarah

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Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is very difficult- we carry it with us everyday. Be sure to take care of yourself and talk to people who support your grief and allow you to share your pain.

Take care, Tina

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Dear Sarah:

I am sorry for your loss. I too felt the same way when we had our daughter last year. Even though she was gone I felt like I was leaving her there. It was so hard. We recently went to visit the grave and it was like going through it again. She was almost 5 months. I don't think of her every day now like I used too. The only times I think of things in when I see babies at work or a pregnant woman. But they say it does get easier. If you have support it helps. Once you get back on your feet and back to work or wherever you are I find it helps to talk to friends. I think that God sends them to us when their ready to be here.When the time is right. And I believe when we are gone that we will be with them. So take care and hang in there. With your friends and oved ones support you will pull through. This site helped me so much. They are people who understand and are there for you. Christine.

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I have never been on a board before so I hope I do this correctly. I lost my daughter at 29 weeks. I went in for a regular checkup and they couldn't find the heartbeat. Two days later they induced me. She was 14inches long and weighed 2pounds. She had a headful of dark hair and really long fingers just like me. It's been 7 years and I still think about her all the time. I have a son now that's 2 1/2, and I'm obssessed he's going to die. I know he will probably live to be an old man but I can't help it. Before I lost Cheyenne I never thought about kids dying, now I can't not think about it. Has anybody dealt with raising a child after losing a child? I really could use some advise.Thanks,

Beth

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have never written to this site before, I have recently lost my beautiful 8mo old girl and i feel so completely lost and hollow, I 'm not sure if anyone in mmy family can even come close to understanding my pain and my gulit. I'm just a zombie missing my little girl so desperately.

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Guest, the loss of a child at any age is totally life changing. One is never the same again. Like can get back to a place where we can be happy, but we will miss our children for the rest of our lives. I am so sorry you have to be going through this. Feeling like a zombie is a natural effect of your loss, which is so great. We expect so much when we first hear we are going to be parents, we make plans have dreams. Those plans and dreams are taken away from us and we are left with our memories. Problem I always seem to face is the fact those dreams just don't go away easily. You will feel better because time helps in that ways, but it isn't easy and it takes time. We never lose that sense of loss, but our lives can get back to a new normal and we can even be happy again. We will always miss our children, that is was is natural about this process.

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carlyraesmom

Thanks to your reply. My husband and i both have told different people that that thing is that we have nothing to look forward to. We loved to come home and be with Carly. I'ts now friday and so what. just anougher day of tryibg to get through 1 hr. and waiting for the next day. We have no happiness without her, and we were married for 10 years before we decided to have her. There is a huge hole we cannot ever fill now that we know the love of our baby.

Cary

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Cary, I know how hard it is now, but don't give up, things could happen. We waited 10 years to have Kirk, also. We had him for 17 years, he does have a sister who is now 20. There is just no understanding why these things have to happen, but I do know that in the long run our kids would want us happy. Is that something that can happen quickly? Absolutely not, it takes time, but time is the only way it can be handled. I wish there were words to help take away the pain, but there isn't. Just know that after a while you can be happy again, I don't know your situation, but please don't think that things couldn't be better again, that you won't be happy because it can happen. It is a long road to go down, but it will get better.

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carlyraesmom

We did wait to have our Carly, we were selfish and things got in the way, we love to do things, camp, hike and just go, kids would get in the way right? Wroong. Everything was so much more fun having ouur girl with us. We did'nt try to have kids for 10 years, we were busy having our own lives, we just decided it was time and we were lucky. Very, Very luckky for eight months

Thank You for your time,

Cary

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Does anyone know know of any poems that deal with the two year anniversary mark. I used one last year that was just lovely, but would like to know if any of you might have one... the one I used last year went like this; just in case anyone might want to use it for their baby's birthday in heaven:

Our Heaven is a simple place.

The streets aren't paved in gold.

Our Heaven is a rocking chair and baby Will to hold.

Any little poems like that would nice to know of...Thanks. WillsMom~~Allyson

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AprilsMom---thank-you for the poem.

I am sorry I have gotten back to you sooner. I spend alot of time on Grief and the Court System---I should be here more.

I would love to get to know everyone here, and even if the number is small, we can help one another.

When I joined my son was a newborn. He would now be 2 years old, and that bothers me; it feels like yesterday, so if you guys want to boot me up that is okay too.

Love to All.

WillsMom

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ATTENTION ALL: October 15th has been alloted as National pregnancy and Infant Loss day...the bill was passed about three days ago. Please visit the website at: www.October15th.com---they have AWESOME stuff to order to celebrate this day...WillsMom

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I am new at this and I dont know if I am in the right place. I am a sgt. in the 82nd airborne division and me and my wife were blessed with a beautyful baby boy named brandon on the 29th of aug. last year. He was born with 4 major heart defects and had to had open heart sugery and was hooked up to an ECMO life support thing for 2 weeks. We couldnt do anything but watch him die. I dont know how to deal with it since at my job I can not show fear or my personal life interfearing with the daily grind. I train and lead soldiers into combat and I CAN NOT BE WEAK. But inside it hurts and I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. Does this ever go away? Can I be normal again? With the war and this and then 3 weeks after we burried brandon we watched our appartment burn in flames because of the dumbass next to us. WHY DOES GOD DO THIS? I know I have sins on me because I have lived for 25 years but why my son? WHAT DID HE DO? He was perfect in every way. And that boy never cried once. Even with the tubes in his chest. They had him on enough sedation to knock out my entire company BUT HE STILL OPENED HIS EYES. He was a paratrooper just like his daddy. But sometimes daddy doesnt think he is strong enough to keep up going on. Daddy doesnt know what to do. Does anyone know what to do. This was our first child and it is tearing our marrage apart. I love my wife but I act like I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I dont want revenge I WANT MY BOY. I dont know what to do. Please help.
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I am new at this and I dont know if I am in the right place. I am a sgt. in the 82nd airborne division and me and my wife were blessed with a beautyful baby boy named brandon on the 29th of aug. last year. He was born with 4 major heart defects and had to had open heart sugery and was hooked up to an ECMO life support thing for 2 weeks. We couldnt do anything but watch him die. I dont know how to deal with it since at my job I can not show fear or my personal life interfearing with the daily grind. I train and lead soldiers into combat and I CAN NOT BE WEAK. But inside it hurts and I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. Does this ever go away? Can I be normal again? With the war and this and then 3 weeks after we burried brandon we watched our appartment burn in flames because of the dumbass next to us. WHY DOES GOD DO THIS? I know I have sins on me because I have lived for 25 years but why my son? WHAT DID HE DO? He was perfect in every way. And that boy never cried once. Even with the tubes in his chest. They had him on enough sedation to knock out my entire company BUT HE STILL OPENED HIS EYES. He was a paratrooper just like his daddy. But sometimes daddy doesnt think he is strong enough to keep up going on. Daddy doesnt know what to do. Does anyone know what to do. This was our first child and it is tearing our marrage apart. I love my wife but I act like I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I dont want revenge I WANT MY BOY. I dont know what to do. Please help.

Well I am a 25 year old female going through the same thing. My husband and I are having severe panic attacks from this. Our baby girl Sabrina only lived nine days. When she was a week old she had the surgery. Left ventricle was smaller than the right one and they suppose to be the same size. Her main artery from her heart had a blockage. Her lung vein had to be connected to her main vein and they had to make a tube to go from her lungs to her heart. Sabrina only lived two days after her surgery and it hurts so bad. I would like you to email me back please when you get this message. gotababyangelinheaven@yahoo.com tell u the whole story any body that has lost a baby in this form. I know how bad it hurts I cry and want to hold her so bad everyday. She was born August 25, 2006. Had Surgery 1 week old on Sept.1 2006 and my baby past on Sept. 3 2006.

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Guest,

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my 19 year old son about five years ago and understand the feelings you are having. He was still my baby and my life was built around his life. I had to rethink everything in my life that I had built on for 19 years. I am grateful for those years... but the pain left me questioning my very being.

The first two years leave you asking the questions that you are asking. It is in this time that you give yourself permission to slow down... to take silly walks while you reflect on what you once loved about this world.... to journal your thoughts about your anger and your loss. And last, but not the least, to tell people you hurt and that you need time, space, and patience (you and your wife both deserve this). Take the little steps... they will take you somewhere that gives you back what you can't imagine finding again- hope and desire for living. After almost five years I have my vision back. I can see the sky, smell the dirt, and hear the birds. My life is different from my experience with loss, but it's not over. I live it differently. I live it with alot of awareness of the little things. It took a lot of time, support, and talking, eating, drinking fluids, exercising and making sure that I got enough down time to just "be". This takes work.

My heart and prayers are with you and your wife... life is worth living and will come into focus again. I also want to thank you for the work that you do everyday.

Peace to you, Tina

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this is my first time on here... i just got done reading a few of the messages put on here and my heart melted again... Sept 2nd 2006 my daughter Ellie Lorraine was born at 21 weeks 6 days gestation and it broke my heart because she was my husband and i's first child and we had just found out that she was a girl... we had just finished registering for girl stuff and we had just finished putting together her crib from her nana (my mom)... my husband and i are in the navy and he was supposed to leave Sept 13th for his first deployment... he didnt leave then because we had to burry our Angel and he is currently still here in the states but they are making him leave me to finish dealing with my grief by myself... my family is in a different state and his family is eight hours away and i dont think i can do this grieving thing by myself i dont want to and the worst part is i have to go back to work tomorrow to work with over 100 other pregnant women!! who are all due soon or due when i was supposed to be due... my cousin is pregnant and i was three weeks ahead of her and my stepmom is due here pretty soon one of my best friends is due at the end of the month as well and i dont know what i am gonna do when i go home and see everyone i will go home for christmas but i dont know how i am gonna handle being around all these pregnant women and babies so soon after my girl was born... Ellie lived for only an hour and ten minutes but it was the most cherished hour and ten minutes of my life... i had placental abruption and there is no for sure way to prevent it from happening again... my mom doesnot know how to help and neither does my gma and i feel bad because i dont even know what to do... im sorry this is so long but i needed to get this out to someone... i dont want my husband to leave me alone but the damn navy has control over our coping... I MISS MY ANGEL GIRL!!!!

Robin

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I am currently taking a death and dying class and as a class assignment we had to come to this site. I decided to take this class because I needed something. I felt that I was almost hold Gloria back from something, but I didn't know what. At the age of 18 I was told that I might not be able to have children. A few weeks later, my life changed forever. I found out that I was pregnant. At first I was scared, I worried about what my family was going to say, but them I was so excited. At almost 16 weeks of pregnancy I lost her. My life has never been the same. The day after I lost I found out that my best friend was pregnant. I felt bad because I was so angery. I love my God Daughter with all of my heart now, but them I hated her. I felt like God was punshing me for something, and I didn't know what. A few months later my other best friend was pregnant, this time, I was a little better equiped to deal with the situation, however, it hurted. Out of all of my friends (3), and many of my associates, I am the only one without a child. At 21 some people look at me and think that this is an accomplishment, but to me it hurts. Gloria was my joy, my sunshine, and the reason I smilied everyday. Without her things have been hard. I see babies now and I wonder what she would have looked like. Everytime I hear of a new child I wonder. Her father has since had another child, and everytime I see her, I wonder if that is what see would look like. Sometime I wonder why God took her away from me.

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Hello all, this is the first time I have written on this web site, I have been on often though to read your stories and have cried with you all and shared your pain. Today my son Paul would have been 24, and I feel so alone. I am the only one who grieves for him or who even remembers him, so I thought I would share with you my story of my precious little baby Paul. I was 16 when I had Paul, I was not married and his father was not in the picture. I decided when I fell pregnant with him that I would keep and raise him, that was not meant to be. Paul was born with Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. When he was born I was told he would not live and to go home, forget about him and get on with my life. I did not do this. I held Paul for his short life, only 4 days, then I buried him. Everyone, my family and friends went on with their lives. I later married, had 3 more children, got divorced and muddled through my life. BUT today and every other birthday, I am on my own with my grief. I am the only one who remembers him, my children, although they know of him, cannot grieve for him, those who were around when he was born choose not to acknowledge today. I know 24 years is a long time but my life was changed that day, yes time does lessen the paid but it is still there underneath the surface and I doubt it will ever leave me. So here I am writing to you the people I know will understand where I am coming from. Thank you for letting me share this with you.

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Paulsmom, I can only say that your story moved me. I know I have read so many accounts of child loss, but yours, is something that is shared by others who have lost a child with a few moments, days. The prevailing wisdom seems to think that since it was such a short time it would be easy to put it aside. It seems like people could understand, but so many times that is not possible. Anyone who has ever had a child, it would seem, would understand, if only for a moment, that the death of a child, no matter how old, is something that we carry with us the rest of our lives. It is painful, and remains that way, although we go on with our lives and rejoice for the time we had. Each loss is unique, each loss with its own set of circumstances. I am sorry for your loss, I am guessing Paul was a blessing, he was one of those life experiences that remain with us, in our hearts, until we are with them again.

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My story is long and sadly, much like many of yours. Last November I was having a lot of trouble with cysts on my ovaries and found that I had endometriosis. At that point in my life, I had no intention of having any more children. I had my son and daughter and was perfectly content with my family. Anyway, In November of 2005, I had to have surgery for to have the cysts removed and to have the endometrial lining of my uterus cleaned out to help with the endometriosis. Basically this procedure was just to put off having to have a hysterectomy for a few years. So, I had the surgery, everything was fine, and surprise in February, we found out I was pregnant. We were very shocked, however, quickly became very excited. Planned this was going to be our last child, I started shopping early, had to buy everything,as I had given away all of my other baby stuff. The pregnancy was much different than my others, I was sick the whole time, felt like crap most days , and it was very difficult being a nurse because the amount of time I spent on my feet. No matter how terrible I felt, everything was picture perfect as far as the health of the baby. ultrasounds were great, found out we were having boy. Anyway about 34 weeks along, my doctor and I decided that we would do an ultrasound, and if all was well, we would plan on inducing at 38 weeks due to massive swelling and how miserable I was feeling. I had the ultrasound, everything looked wonderful, everything was on track to have a healthy baby boy, Kameron, we planned. At 36 weeks, September 26, I was at home with my kids, has one horrible pain that never stopped, called my doctor, was at the hospital within 20 minutes. The hospital I went to was the one that I work, so everyone there was my friend and as excited as we were. When I got to the hospital, I listed as they put the monitors on, and as they examined me. I began passing large clots and though they wouldn't tell me I was knowledgeable enough to know that they could not locate a heartbeat. All they would tell me was that they were going to take me to surgery for a C-section. Being a small hospital as it is, the anesthesiologist was not on the premises and had to be called in. The doctors decided to try to save the baby without the anesthesiologist there, They performed a C-section using only local anesthetics, lidocaine. I was awake and felt the entire surgery. They called in a pediatrician and there 5 doctors and approximately 15-20 people in surgery with me. It was very traumatic, not only for me but for all involved because we were all friends, including my doctors. Anyway, by the time they had delivered baby Kameron, the anesthesiologist had arrived and put me to sleep. I woke up in ICU, and I knew before anyone had told me. My baby was stillborn at 4:27pm, 5#0.9oz, 19 inches long, Kameron Madden Wilson. He was beautiful, looked like a perfect healthy angel. He was absolutely beautiful, looked just like his daddy and his brother. My placenta had abrupted. No one knows why or how. I hemorrhaged through the abruption and the surgery, received 4 units of blood while I was in ICU. I have a couple of large hematomas and currently seeing the doctor twice a week to have it checked. I have been absolutely devastated by this. Here I am a nurse, I deal with death everyday, and yet I had always been able to give my sympathy to the families and cry some tears with them and go home and thank my lucky stars for my family but never in a million years ever thought that I would ever been in this position. Guess I have just taken life for granted. We buried our little Kameron October 1, 2006.

Most days I am alright majority of the day, I cry a little each day, visit the grave often, but I sit here thinking of all things I would be doing if Kameron were here now. He wasn't even due to be born yet. I have yet to take my crib down or clean out his drawers, or the bottles out of the cabinet. I have my pictures that I sleep next to and look at every day. My heart aches and I only dream of rocking my babyand kissing and cuddling him.

My heart goes out to all of you who have experienced this pain, and if there were ever a way that i can help others who have had to endure this pain, I would gladly do anything possible/

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I have not visited this board in awhile and was shocked to see all the new comers, first and foremost, let me give my deepest and heart felt sympathies to you all.

I did notice that alot of you are new to this grief, I first came to this site shortly after my son died from a heart defect that went undetected, but was easily corrected by surgery, and an echocardiogram was ordered, but my OB failed to "read" the order which basically cut my sons' chances at life to zero. This defect is called transposition of the great vessels/or arteries. He would now be two, and we are still fighting for justice on his behalf.

I did want to say to all that the pain is always there and will never go away, but things do get better, with time and faith in God, and therapy; the fog does lift. I suffered from clinical depression, panic attacks (still do), and post-traumatic stress disorder, and I feel I will always carry alot of these pains with me forever, but you do learn to deal with it. It may sound crazy, but you learn that you have to or you will succumb to a zombie like life style, which I did for years, but my living children kept me going; in all honesty, they probably saved my life. Suicide was always looming, but so was my love for my living boys, so I fought back. I crawled, scratched, and pulled my way out of the horrible things you all are feeling right now.

I guess, my point here is: to keep going, keep going for whatever reason works for you. Your child would want to see you functioning, and always keep in mind that they are with you, and you will see them again. Pray. Talk to them, talk about them, think about them, just keep going. I will never be the same and I am not the person I was, I have learned alot from this and even though I may want to crawl up on Will's grave and just die, I leave him flowers and tell him I love him and miss him, and I push forward. Never give up or give in...but please remember, I am in this for over two years now, so my perspective and thoughts are at a different level, I am just saying it does get better, it is never the same, just a different way of living. I have also had over two years of therapy and treatment, and if you need to go...go.

I wish you all peace and Bless each and all of our babys'

WillsMom

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As well as yours we have all had the long difficult road of losing an infant. When my DH and I found out were were pregnant in 2000 we were excited. because it was our first child. I had abnormal pain and discomfort. But thought nothing of it at the time. When I went in at 16 weeks for an ultra sound my worst fear came true. I was sent to a specialist. I did not know why but we went. To this day I tell people I think it is because the dr did not want to give us the bad news. I had low fluid. Which prevented the kidneys or lungs from developing. Which meant our daughter had Potter's syndrome. They told us that if Danielle made it to delivery she would die shortly of respitroy failure. Danielle was born at 26 weeks. On October 28th @ 7:47 am I gave birth to her. It was the most painful birth I had because it was a dry birth. She lived for 2 hours and 1 minute. she slipped into the arms of God at 9:48 am. I still miss her every day even 6 years later.

It gives me some comfort know that she has a sister and most recently her daddy with her. But I still miss her every day.

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samuelsgrannytoo

Well here I go again wrote a long one but somehow it got erased well to make it simple and short I am the grandma of samuel christopher smith born silently into this world at 22 weeks on 9/29/2006 @ 3:04 am weighed 8 oz and was 9 and a half inches long had 10 fingers and 10 toes and was loved and wanted more than anything in this world I watched as my daughter lay in agony of induced labor while knowing all along he would not cry breathe or live he would be born dead. We grieved while she was in labor and I still grieve although I feel mine is not justified as I am not the parent but only the grandparent I feel like I shouldn\'t be the one feeling so hurt upset mad I feel like I am taking this to much to heart and it should be my daughters pain I don\'t know why I feel like this please help and like some others have statedthey have had panic and anxiety attacks I to have noticed that since this i to have had them

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This is my first time writing on this website and only heard about it through a very kind nurse where I delivered my son. My sons name is Paxton Wesley Hamel and he was born on November 18,2006. He also died on this day. I was induced at 21 weeks after receiving news that Paxton had severe fluid on his brain and would not likely make it to term or live much beyond birth. My husband and I did not want our son to suffer and made the choice to have him early. While we know this was the right decision it hurts so much. He is our first child and if you had told me at that at 25 I would be burying my child I would have just laughed at you. I know he is with me in my heart and looking down at us but I just want to feel my baby in my stomach again, to hold him and show him the world. I know my husband and I will be okay and with the love and support of our families and friends we will one day be able to move on but right now I feel like that is impossible. I do know that I will never forget my little boy or the short time we had with him.

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jamiedawnsmom

Paxtons Mom, I'm so sorry for your loss. It is good you have supportive family and friends. Hopefully they will let you talk about Paxton as much as you need to. I attended a 6-week grief session last spring and we still get together as a group once a month. These are people who I've told things that I haven't told those close to me. Just having a place to talk helps.

Take Care.

Renee

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To all in grief,

This year was the hardest year on Earth for me as tragedy stuck my family twice. In April we buried my son's little boy who was induced at 7 mths as he was not developing well and would not have survived after birth. The same time this was happening my sister and I greeted two new baby's into the World. Funnily enough my daugther who at the time of my nephews funeral who was only a newborn was making the most beautiful noises in the Church only a few feet where her deceased cousin lay. I like to think they were playing with each other and he was making her laugh. Just recently (3 weeks ago)I lost my beloved 53 yr old mother to cancer. Whilst she lay in bed dying my father would embrace her and tell her that soon she will be in Heaven with baby Thomas and that she was going to go and look after him in Heaven. Would you believe she smiled whilst my dad told her this like she was already there caressing him and loving him (meanwhile she stopped smiling days before she died). The pain of losing a baby is far more intensive then that of a senior as we grief the life that could of been. I too have anxiety on days when I lay in bed thinking about my mother and how much I miss her and how unfair life is. But we need to grieve and mourn our loved ones. We shall meet again in Heaven... In my thoughts Janiceaden

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Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

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Hello everyone, I lost my beautiful baby girl Kaila Murray on 11/15/06. Thankfully there was nothing wrong with her; she was perfectly healthy, always moving around, enjoying her space inside me. Everytime I had an appointment all she did was move around like crazy then lay still, all of which I loved! I enjoyed so much watching her, awaiting her arrival, wondering if she would be just as excited once she was here. She was 17 weeks when I last held her in my arms and said goodbye to her. I had a cerclage placed due to a weakened cervix, which would have helped going into pre-term labor, but unfortunately that didn't work - I went into labor the night on 11/14/06, and gave birth to her on 11/15/06 at 11:15am. Losing her has made me feel so many emotions - I'm sad, angry, lonely, lost, and feel like her life was stolen from me. I lost another baby at 20 weeks 91/2 years ago, due to a weakened cervix, but this time I did everything the doc's told me to do - I had a cerclage and that didn't work either. I had so many hopes, dreams, plans, and I feel as if someone pulled the rug from under my feet. How am I suppose to learn how to continue my life when the life I once had doesn't matter anymore - the life I want is with my baby girl and she's gone. This is just not fair, twice my babies were stolen from me, while others are out there giving theirs away, sometimes throwing them away in the garbage. I just want the pain to go away - I can no longer take it and I feel that others just don't understand. Friends and family just want me to hurry up and get over what I'm going through but that seems impossible. I really wish they would stop rushing me! I just want to be with my baby, I want to be with Kaila now.......

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shirleybjsmom

hi Kaila's mommy i'm so sorry for the loss of your two babies. you have to do what's best for your own survival right now.everyone needs to try and understand that your worlds been turned upside down and you will never get over it. a part of our heart was ripped out when the most precious part of us was taken away. my peace has come from knowing that even though i miss my b.j. who passed away from a car accident at the age of 16 is that the lord needed him to fullfill duties that only he could do. there has been so much that has happened since b.j.'s death that i know without a doubt it would'nt have been this way other wise. just take each moment of each day as it comes to you and pray for the lords comfort. if you need a friend who can relate to please call upon me. i usually go on loss of a teenager but will check back on this site. my prayers are with you ever so much this holiday. i was sent a card the other day and it truly is very fitting. (God's Promise)"out of the silence, music... out of the darkness, light... out of uncertainty, promise... hope was born that night." thinking of you shirley

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To the mother of Kaila, I just wanted to write and let you know that I will be praying for you. I lost my daughter Kaylena at 32 week on June 17,1994 and then a twin on August 2,1996, How I would love to know if it were a boy or a girl. There are still many times I feel the same way that you explained in your story. People don't seem to understand, they tend to think that since she was never in your home that it didn't hurt, she is still you baby girl no matter how long you were able to have her. Then you wonder if when people ask you how many children do you count them or not,. I really feel for you and just want to let you know if you would like to email please feel free. Time does ease the pain, but don't listen to the people around you everyone heals in there own time. Kaylena's Mom

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We just got back in our popular Remember Pins. Show that you are remembering a loved one by wearing these pins. The proceeds cover the cost of the pins and help support Beyond Indigo. Too see the pins and wristbands as well as place an order copy and paste this link into a new broswer window.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/sunshop/index.php?action=category&id=2

Kelly

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HELP WANTED FROM BEREAVED PARENTS !!!

Hi, my name is Marita and we lost our little girl Elise in December, 2004. She lived for only 17 days. Our expereince has spurred me onto doing research in this area.

I am completing my Master's in Psychology at the Australian Catholic University in Melbourne, Australia. I am currently undertaking research looking at parents' personal responses to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death.

The title of my investigation is Prolonged Complicated Mourning and Perinatal Death. I am hoping to understand more fully the grief responses of bereaved parents as well as their ways of coping. In my research participants will be asked to complete 5 questionaires and a background information sheet. This would be completed anoymously and should take approximately 20 minutes.

You may beinterested in participating. If so, you can email me with your deatils and the questionaires can be sent out to you with a reply paid enevlope. This research has been approved by the Australin Catholic University.

I can be contacted on email for further deatils: ammercer@optusnet.com.au. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

Thankyou for considering participating in my research,

Marita.

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Hi my name is Bryan, I lost my identical twin son in March 2001, to sudden acute twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. The twins went full term, so it was not the normal problem that twins generally suffer from being born premature. That was the only thing that we were worried about, once they got to the point of inducing labor we thought that we were home free, and then in the blink of an eye, tragedy struck. One twin died in utero and the other twin died 4 days later when we pulled him off life support. We named them Jordan and Justin. I have a much more indepth story about my 4 day ordeal, if anyone thinks it will help them, or if they just want to hear it to help them better relate please do not hesitate to ask. God Bless you all.

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shirleybjsmom

Hi bryan,

i'm very sory for the loss of your twins. i would like to hear your story, i know a family that had the same syndrome however their twins are o.k.

shirley

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