Hello

[aprilsmom]

Dear Allyson, The day April died my good friend who is a female physician showed up at my house with a perscription for zanax. She first asked me if either of my other daughters (who were hysterical) ever had any prior drug related problems. When I told her no, she gave us the perscription. She said that zanax does not make you sleep, but clears your mind so that you can do so. She also said they CAN be addictive; but you sound like you've taken very little. I took 1 the first night, didn't sleep a wink and just went to feeling the agony. It took me 3 1/2 months to fill the perscription for Welbutrin (an antidepressant). Like you said, it really took the edge off and I thought, "ok, I will survive today" 3 weeks ago I stopped taking the Welbutrin because I don't want to rely on meds forever. Well, you're not supposed to go off meds cold turkey and I had a few rough days. I think if you listen to your body you will know. OH, my daughter is trying to get pregnant and was warned to get off the xanax a few months before trying. Oddly enough, they said she can still take the Welbutrin. Hope some of this helps. One of April's friends started taking zanax and Welbutrin and lost 40 pounds....She looks fabulous; I gained 10 pounds, go figure....

[willsmom]

Tina and AprilsMom: I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am not hooked, but I do want to get off all the meds., especially the Paxil CR---it is horrible on your digestive system...You eat something and you better be near a potty, or you are in for some real trouble... I have lost exactly 57 pounds and wear a size 10---I have not worn a 10 since I was 28...I don't know if it is the meds. or just plain depression. Half the town things I am slowly starving myself to death; per the town gossip...Sickos in small towns. I do appreciate the advice and I do agree with face the emotions head-on, but I can promise you guys I will go into full blown panic, and end up in the ER (again). I guess it deciding which is is the lesser of two evils; take the meds., and worry over it or try to be strong enough to push through the panic and anxiety. What awful choices. Totally depressing thoughts---I never thought in a million years my life would be like this...but it is. I will go for now. Take care and may God keep his hand on both of you, and are fantastic children. WillsMom~~Allyson

[aprilsmom]

Dear Willsmom, if you are in emotional pain - you need the meds. If you were diabetic, you'd take the insulin. Maybe, try talking about it with a grief counselor, I found a female that lost someone as well and she was awesome. She told me that taking meds for about a year is the norm. Sorry, I'm not telling you what to do but it sounds like you expect an awful lot out of yourself, for a grieving mom! Take Care, Renee

PS Do you look great? Townfolk can shove it!Smile!

[willsmom]

I just love you!! You made me smile, and your right I will stick with the meds., especially my trusty friend Xanax---my sanity pill--LOL and I don't mind you "telling me what to do"---you are very kind, and funny. Yes, I do look pretty good, got carded the other day in Publix, and when I showed the lady my driver's license--she actually said.."Bullshit"---I laughed so hard...so did my 9 yr. old~~Anyway, You take care of yourself Renee, I have a feeling you and I would be BIG buddies if you lived down the street!!! I hope your day is kind to you...and your weekend filled with as much joy as possible. Type soon...WillsMom~~Allyson

[aprilsmom]

Hi Allyson, April's friend that lost all the weight, her name is ALY! Love goes around doesn't it? Have a great weekend! Renee

[kayleym]

Hi its Christine. I\'ve been reading all the boards over the last few days and its so nice to see everyone joking. Not about medication of course but maybe seeing some humour in all this is helping. We\'re having lots of problems right now. Money, bills, job, you name it. I just had dental surgery and am having dizzy spells for over a month after coming out of the hospital. What fun. Now I\'m been told I need to make more money, that we\'re going in the hole because I can\'t work a full-time job right now. How nice. I think we\'ve just been through too much too soon. We\'re losing it big time. And I can\'t talk to him (my husband) because he\'s like 2 different people. It\'d be nice to see if anyone else went through this 6 months later. I really don\'t have the energy to worry about all this and try to get better while arguing all the time. We\'ve only been together a year. Its my second marriage. Some help please, thank you, Christine. Help

[willsmom]

Wow--Christine...ALOT on your plate...Money troubles can be awful, and with having surgery--How does anyone expect you to heal and be ready to work??? I wish I could tell you something terrific; as you know, my husband is distant and very reserved...(being polite), but he does make money, which has helped here. I would tell him to pick up his pace...and I do realize being married a year is rough and new and with everything throw at you all it is HARD. I have been married since I was 21, I am now going to be 37---We have had our lights cut off, our phone...name it....but we went through those times without really any stress....no kids, no death...You are in a difficult place...Let me know if I can help you...I really feel you need time to heal---in every way...I hope this helps...but as I read it, I really have not helped....Please know I am here...WillsMom~~Allyson

[Artina]

Christine,

I have been married for over 23 years and can't imagine going through the loss of a child in my first year of marriage. We were married at the ages of 16 and 19 and we had emotional, financial, and marital problems all in the first couple of years of marriage. Thus, what you are going through is completely normal. However, it is more difficult because you are also dealing with the loss of a child. You don't have the years of marital tools that couples develope under normal day to day struggles, which could be adding to your situation.

The only thing I would suggest is that you take care of yourself... work will wait. Give your husband a date that you plan to put yourself back into the work force full time. Maybe then he won't feel the need to bring it up to you everyday- thus creating a fight. You should really think about not doing anything until after the first of the year, since the holidays are upon us.

Do what works for you!

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

I love Tina and Renee---so listen to all advice that they give...They have both been great to me...Tina is alot more serious and to the point and always right...Renee and I kinda just goof around and help each other through humor...which she has a ton of.....I love them both...I am surprised though, that Kirksdad has not stopped by...You okay??? I love all of them....We all need a little humor...I do have a off the subject thing...My OB is deposed on the 22....should I go??? Attorneys say no---I say let me rip her head off...just kidding-------------------------MAYBE...Allyson

[willsmom]

Gosh---I am so sorry I read that and it made me sem so blood thirsty..she (the OB) is a person...I take it back...Allyson---I would like to stare her down though...sorry.

[kayleym]

Thank you for sharing and caring. I think I just had a down day and felt the need to share with someone. I guess it was a little too much sharing. I have two older kids from my first marriage, 13 and 16. So my younger one spent the weekend with me and that kind of helped. They help keep you sane. My husband has been very supportive through all this but I can't afford to stay home at the moment. But I guess with my immune system down, everything else is bound to happen. I tried to call in sick yesterday and they give you sh... because their short of people that are calling in for no reason. So I have that as well. I think its time for a new job. My husband has suggested that we move another woman and her two kids in for awhile to help with finances. I'm thinking, yeah right, what do I look like! What are your thoughts, anyone!

Christine.

[willsmom]

Christine: Do not move that woman in your home, you will be asking for trouble, BIG trouble. There is some old saying about it, but I cannot pull it out of brain...I am glad you are feeling better, I am not... I cannot stand the ups and downs, and back and forth of emotions. I am just sad and lonely this evening even though everyone is here, except of course, for Will. Leave the lady and her kids where they are,and if my husband ever said that to me, a dot to the eye, would have been my gut reaction...You are nicer than I am, but we already knew that...You hang tough, money troubles come and they GO---Take care and I will be in touch. Allyson

[Artina]

Christine,

I agree with Allyson... adding more drama to the family would do nothing more than create space between you and your husband. Family systems do the best when they function together. Think of it this way- your family is in the inner circle and everybody else is outside your circle. Bringing someone else into your home is not in the best interest of your family. Have you or your husband talked about financial counseling. You would be surprised what options could be available to you that would help you with your financial crisis. Give it a shot. I hate to see anybody have these added stressors while dealing with the loss of their child, but more people... more problems.

Peace to you, Tina

[aprilsmom]

Hi ladies, I vote with Tina and Allyson. By the way Allyson, could you fill out your profile above the typing box? I really like to look at the birthdays of our kids and my memory seems shot these days. It also gives a place for e-mail so that if we have anything we only want to share with one person, and then of course where we live and our kid's websites. If anyone talks to Joanne, Compassionate Friends is doing a major on pregnancy loss. Sorry I'm so scattered this am. The 17th is approaching and I'm in a fog. Renee

[aprilsmom]

Allyson, I'm sorry the way that came out. I know the angel date was October. Like I said I'm in a fog.

How are things with your husband? I was 38 when I had my last child, is he rethinking about having another babe, yet?

[willsmom]

Renee: It is so wild you asked me that, I have been on the phone with a tubal reversal clinic, in Gainesville, Fla. about 5 hours from here and they have openings the first week of Dec., and we have come into some extra money and wanted to go ahead and book an appointment, but hubby, stops and starts on the decesions making process, than he won't commit----I can see him stop and think about it and then he just says NO---leave him alone---what's the big deal---ETC ETC----Sorry I am typing so crazy, but I have to be at the shrink in 20 minutes...I gotta go, but I really want to talk to you about this...I will come home and type...I am so frustrated with him, we go through so much together and have been married so long...I cannot see his reasonings...It makes me feel like he does not love me enough, which hurts, we have batted this idea around for months---and I want to do it, I cannot see myself staying married to him, if he does not allow this....He is selfish, but then again I guess I am too....I really gotta go----I will type later...let me know what you think---I hope your day is kind to you!!! Allyson

[kayleym]

Thank you for the replies. Its nice to know that i am not going nuts in thinking some of these ideas are a little farfetched. I think money is so horrible to have to worry about all the time. My due date is coming up on Dec. 6. I wanted to go put flowers on her grave but my husband says he's not coming. Why, i don't know. (She's 2 hours away, where we had to go to deliver). He just said no. I guess he just wants to get on with his life. But I still feel like I left her at the hospital and she's out there somewhere. Sounds weird i know. My heads sore. I just got off work. Still getting dizziness. Do you still go through postpartum after miscarriage. I would think so. Maybe thats why we are where we are. All these emotions, going back to work, money, and having to deal with keeping the husband happy at the same time. Lots to worry about. I've felt like I've been in hibernation for the last 6 months. Still do. Well take care Christine

[Artina]

Kayleym,

Yes, I do think you would go through postpartum depression- hormones are very powerful in females. I can't imagine dealing with that while also dealing with the loss of my child. That is a lot!!! The most important step for you to take each day is the step that is for YOU. Be sure to put yourself at the top of your list each day and let your husband take care of himself- for right now.

Peace to you, Tina

[kayleym]

Artina: Thank you for the understanding. Your absolutely right. I do have to take care of me now or there won't be a me. So I've decided to get a place on my own in town. I think for now its for the best. I think we need some time apart to get our heads on straight. I think with everything that went on this year it might help us to get ourselves back somehow. I don't know what it will do to US, but i need to take care of me for now. I'm glad someone understands that maybe you do need someone to talk about things other than the day-to-day things like money, jobs, sex, etc. Anyways I hope this is the right decision for me. I guess i'll find out. Thank you Christine.

[Artina]

Kayleym,

I am glad to hear you say that you are taking a step for yourself right now. I know that your intention is to heal and not to destroy, thus if your marriage supports that than it will be there when you are ready.

For now I pray that you are surrounded by love, hope, and positive energy- to get through this difficult stage. Hang on to one minute at a time and the next minute may bring a new hope.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

I too, have taken steps to divorce my husband. I met with an attorney on Wed. and will be signing the papers on Monday. I cannot stand living like this anymore. He is cruel, neglectful, and NEVER home. I just hope I can make it on my own with my boys, I hate to sound horrible, but I am going to get everything I can, and go back to school, finish my degree, get a job, and swear, men and marriage off for the rest of my life (may it be long). The boys and I are headed to the beach for a getaway before the true sh** hits the fan and I am just going to try and relax. I am so tired of being called names and ignored, I cannot even put it into words. I wish you all the luck in the world Christine, stay strong. It has been a long time coming for me, but I have got to grow my backbone back in---Where it went I do not know. I cannot believe I lived like this for so long. Good Luck and my God keep our children close. Blessings, Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

This has to be difficult on you. I didn't know it was that bad, because you had been talking about having another baby. You don't deserve to be called names, feel unsafe, unloved, or wonder where your husband is at all hours of the night. That is not good for you under any circumstances and especially while you are grieving the loss of Will. I pray that all works out for the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Thanks Tina--His refusal to not go along with tubal was really the end for me. I mean, how can you refuse someone "you love" something so wonderful. I have just grown to hate him, and he caused all of it. He is now saying he is coming to the beach................makes me cringe with anger. All he did was say how stupid it was to go and how stupid I am to have done it and so on and so forth. I think he is miserable in this marriage too; he just is confortable with it...I on the other hand, know that I will grow to hate him even more if I stay here...He has got to go or I will just be this angry, sullen, housewife, stuck in a crummy marriage, and alone.....I am going to pack now and get ready to stare off at the sea and talk with my Will, and think. You have a nice weekend, and thanks for listening!! WillsMom~~Allyson

[willsmom]

Just wanted to say that my wonderful little baby Will would have been 14 months old today. May I just say that I love and miss him horribly, and would give anything to be holding that little hand, and....well, we all know these things, so I will spare us all the sad relection of them. I love you Will, may you be happy and may God keep you close. God Bless ALL of our beloved little ones, and may they stay safe. We will see them someday and in our dreams. WillsMom~~Allyson

[willsmom]

GOD BLESS WILL........

[Artina]

Allyson,

I am thinking about you and Will. I hope that everything is going as well as it can. How are you doing living away from your spouse? Has there been any changes?

Thinking about you, Tina

[kayleym]

Thank you for all the support Artina and Allyson. Although deciding to leave is not a good thing for me emotionally. I still care for my husband despite where we are today and I have no urge to be on my own again. I lived alone for six years with my two girls when my first husband and I separated and it is not fun. My younger daughter wants to come live with me. She gets along with my husband so well and its so good to finally have found someone who takes and interest in her. Her father doesn't do a whole lot with her although he has provided well for them. I just had dental work again yesterday and am still getting dizzy spells. I have a doctors appointment so hopefully they'll be able to figure out whats wrong. It seems a coincidence, though, that it happened to come about a week after I had the second D&C. I'm wondering whether the anaesthetic may have been a little bit too much twice in three months. The doctor says it takes a long time to get out of your system. Maybe with all the dental work on top of that, I have too much medication in my system. I don't know. All I know is I'm driving my husband nuts. Tomorrow he's going to buy a new car. Mine broke down in the summer shortly after going back to work. I was very angry though. I know it sound childess but when he decided to get it he said he would put it only in his name. Its funny though when mine broke down he said he couldn't afford one 3 months ago and now that his is going he can suddenly afford it. I'm wondering if maybe running back and forth all summer trying to get him to work and then getting myself to work has a lot to do with my not getting better. You'd think he would have did this in the summer. I have to drive almost 20 miles to get him to work for 7 in in the morning , go home, get myself ready, go back to work, (we work at the same place), and then sometimes wait until 7 at night when i'm off at 5 for him. I'm wiped out. And now suddenly when he might have to do it, he can magically afford a vehicle. I just think its selfish. He wasn't concerned when I was trying to get better and doing 12 hour days to get back to work. I know its stupid and childessness but I can't help it. I'm not sure if he really does care as much as I think he does. When I mentioned leaving , he said ok I'll help you find a place. And he's been asking if i found one. Bizarre. Any thoughts! Christine. (I'm becoming an angry, selfish woman and I don't like it).

[willsmom]

I am with you, your husband aloofness, self-centered, etc., all sound like a BIG, HALF grown guy, who is emotionally about 18~~and mine is the same way, but when I put papers (divorce papers) on my husband he has pretty much done a full circle turnaround, but I really don't care. You sound like you work ALOT, and having someone tell you that you cannot get a new car and then buying one for himself is just like a slap in the face. I really have no advice to you, because I don't want you to follow it, and it not work...All marriages are so touchy and up and down--especially since we all are living in a virtual vortex of emotions. I think once he REALLY knows, you mean business and you do find a place and are GONE---his little song and dance will change--Mine did, but I still may not stay. I would love to be on my own--with my boys, of course---but to be just left alone. I also, have a hubby as, you guys probably remember refuses to allow me to have a tubal, and if I did it on my own,he simply said he would not sleep with me----Whata treat of a guy, so I have horrible anger towards him for that---do I want to be 45/50---truly no hope of a child and look over at him??? I think not---My decisions are still up in the air....Take time and think...Hope your Sunday is kind to you---I hate Sundays....Love to ALL our babies/children!!!!!!! WillsMom~~Allyson

[kayleym]

Hello again. Its me, Christine. Well I did it. I am now staying with my sister until I find a place. My headaches have gone away and I am more rested. But my mind won't shut off. I still see him everyday at work. Today he told me he didn't want me to come back home, to get a place and we could date again. Like that will work. I was very upset but it didn't seem to affect him. My life changed drastically this year and is still changing and his stays the same. Somehow its not fair. He says it was my decision to move, like he had no part in this year. Anyways I have to get money, raise my kids, and work, while trying to deal with this. Lots to think of. Anyways I am tired. I just got off work. I'll talk later. Take care everyone.

[kirksdad]

Christine, you have experienced the harshest change in one's life, trying to make life better for yourself will work out. I am so sorry that your husband couln't see that a little understanding would have gone a long way. We each go through this type of loss in our own way, too bad your husband's way was so totally different from yours.

[willsmom]

Christine: you sound a little more upbeat and relieved, I have pretty much decided to go ahead and sign the papers...He did so well, and tried hard, but has picked up old, neglectful habits....I am at a loss. I am alone except for my boys, who I feel like are suffering, due to the fact we argue...we don't arue alot, but when we do everything spills over. Anyone with any advice, help, ideas; would be great. I hate to even picture myself signing those papers, but what choice do I have???HELP???? WillsMom~~Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

Do what you think is right for you and your boys. Maybe you could move out and think about seperation first, instead of divorce. One step at a time.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Hi Tina!! I 've got to get to the head-checker, so excuse, me if this is fast...I am very glad to hear from you though, how are you?? On my marriage, we have talked and talked and I really feel all the problems stem from one source, his refusal to allow the tubal. In refusing this he has caused so many more problems. He feels like another baby/child would be to much for him, he states he is happy with the living two we have, he is horribly afraid of death(s) occurring, he just flat refuses, which just rolls me into a ball of more furstration, more sadness, more longing---I mean, the emotions are endless. I then become a mean, angry person towards him...he becomes neglectful, and so the whole horrible circle starts. I just cannot see how or why you would ever deny someone you "love" something so wonderful. I have a hard time saying no to him on anything, and then when I told him I was going to do the tubal anyway, he stated he would not sleep with me or "finish the process" if you catch my drift...so more anger, more madness, more hatred...What do I do??? I do not want anyone making decisions for me or ending them either. I just want to try, it may not even happen. I really feel this will drive us to divorce. I do not want to look back on this all my life and wish---I have to go---but help and let me know how you are... How was turkey day??? Mine was okay, it were the following days and even now that are hard...Type when you can!! Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

It sounds like you and your husband still love each other... there is just a lot of hurt. You said it perfectly; a lot of the emotions that you are feeling come from wanting to have a child with him. I can understand his fear and I can understand your desire. Keep at it. Do what your doing until he completely understands just how important it is to you. One of two things will prevail- either he will say okay or he will continue to say no. If no means that you walk, than that too will surface. All I know is there is a lot of emotions flying around and both of you want something different to help you get through the next stages of your life.

Our turkey day was quiet and lonely. I too feel worse following the day. I always feel down following a celebrated day. There is so much energy put out to gear up for the day that I am left drained following the day. After almost four years of the roller coaster ride, I have found my new normal- and it's up and down. I think that's the key- knowing what to expect.

I'm sure that you and your husband will work this out. You have two beautiful children, to at least give it your very best effort- like I am sure you already are.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Gosh Tina---I just love you to no end...you are so kind....I wish I could give back some of the wonderful advice you have given me!!! I am sorry about the let down after turkey day, it is hard....I wish I could just hug you...I so appreciate your words....and I agree with everything you say...we will see...and maybe, I need to be more like you, kinder, calmer, and just nice...I do have a tendency to be a snot....Thank-you so much for your words...they hit home and I thank-you...Your Friend, Allyson....I Loved what you said so much--I said---"honey, come read this, and he said you will leave me, because I will always say no"----------------no tubal for me.....can anyone be more cruel?? What now??? Allyson

[kayleym]

Hello to all: Thank you for the understanding. I am still staying at my sisters. I have survived a week. My husband still wants to stay together but has no idea why I am so angry. Or why I left. But I am starting counselling so maybe if I get rid of the anger, it will help us move on somehow. Allyson, you are concerned about leaving with your boys. I was married for 13 years and have 2 girls. When my husband and I separated 8 years ago, I ended up with the girls and no money until support came in. I decided to enroll in college for a couple of years. The first 2 years were the hardest time of my life. My younger one was 5 and he would take them on the weekends. It would take me about 2 days to calm her down when he dropped her off. It didn't help that he had a girlfriend before I left and she ended up moving in 9 months later with her 2 kids. If I had to do it over, i would never have left. I think of the men I've met since and the lack of money and proper employment where I am and I wonder what I was thinking. Of course I wouldn't have met the one I'm with now though, so thats not good. My children went to live with their father 3 years ago, I have the visiting. I let them decide when they were old enough. It took about 6 months to get used to them not coming home at night. I almost went nuts. But one good thing you learn self-sufficiency real fast. I'm not trying to scare you and I know how much another baby would mean to you but whose to say you would have the children. Its very hard to live knowing another woman is raising them. I know that doesn't sound nice and your probably thinking what a bxxx for telling me this, but I wanted to let you know the reality before so you know whats out there. I haven't decided whether to get a place or go home. We are discussing that. Everyone thinks I'm nuts to consider it but if we can work it out and get back what we had, then I'm all for it. I miss him. Boy this life is hard. Anyways enough of my soap opera. Take care. Hope I didn't scare you. Christine

[willsmom]

Oh Christine, I would NEVER think of you in a bad light, actually alot of the things you have said I have worried over, but I am so all over the deck with my emotions and his emotions and the desire for another baby, I am just going to try and get through the holidays and then leave, if I just cannot bare it anymore, maybe something will give...maybe he will change his mind, maybe the world will explode or hell, I could win the lottery....LOL~~ I am really just going to try and calm down. They put me on another medication Lexapro--I am going to start taking it on Friday, that way I will have the weekend to see how it goes---and I thank you for the insight, and I do commend your bravery in the way you try to handle everything...I am just going to try and get through X-mas. I do have a neat idea for decorating our babies/children graves...At Lowes, they had cut the tops of really huge Christmas trees and mounted them to make little trees...so I picked up two and decorated them and placed them with Will...His little plot is so full, people probably think I am a little whacked, but I just can't help it. A memorial service is tomorrow night @ 6---and I am going, or I should say I plan to go---with everyone in tow---Hubby too, he won't be in a deer stand tomorrow evening....who knows, I may eat those words...Never the less, thanks for the advice, and good people/friends often point out the negative to help you see ALL sides, not just the rosy picture...You are a nice person, and I appreciate your input and help and I wish you the best....God Bless our babies, and stay in touch!! WillsMom~~Allyson

[willsmom]

My friend had her baby boy on the 2nd---and like a fool I went to the online nursery to see him...and now I am just sick. I miss my Will, I am wondering what I ever did to deserve this...I am just so messed up right now. Why?? I long for my boy so much, and she has her wonderful, new baby...probably breast-feeding and holding him, smelling that terrific "baby smell"~~ and here I am; sad, dejected, yearning--all horrible things you can be...is me. WillsMom~~Allyson

[kayleym]

Hi its Christine. Sorry if there was too much info last time. I needed to talk to someone. My due date is Tuesday. There was a baby at work crying a couple of days ago and I felt like going over. The lady just stood there while the baby cried and I felt like screaming, whats wrong with you, why don't you pick him up. But of course they'd think your nuts so i didn't. Still at my sister's. I wanted to go down south to the baby's grave on Tuesday but hubby doesn't want to. I think I'll have to spend Christmas here. Its nice that she's let me stay. But its driving me nuts that i don't have my own home. I stay with my husband Wednesday nights to get one of my daughters to her cadets, but its so hard leaving the next day. I still feel like I'm home. Now that I'm getting back on my feet, I'm starting to have the urge to start another one too. Even though our marriage is on the rocks and we really need to work on that, I'm sitting here thinking, geez, I wonder how long it'd take to try again. Weird, eh. I think its because I'm going to be 40 in May and its only 6 months but I told him I didn't want to start after that. Whats the difference. I don't know. Maybe because when you hit 40 they say your chances of down's syndrome and everything else go up dramatically. Very scary. I took my girls to the show today. We haven't done that for a while. We had a good day. But now my younger one says she changed her mind about living with me because I didn't get the apartment she wanted. So I'm just going to find something that I can afford and if she changes her mind well i'll still be there. These are very confusing times because theres nobody to talk to about the baby. Its like its been 6 months and I'm job hunting for a better job and trying to find a new place and Christmas is coming. Its a lot to deal with alone. My sister is good but she doesn't understand about the baby. Its like its over so get over it. Well I guess I'll go for now. Hope everyone is doing allright. Well I know their not but at least we know theres someone is out there. Christine.

[willsmom]

I am late in reminding---LIGHT A CANDLE FOR ALL CHILDREN TONIGHT AT 7PM---NO MATTER TIME ZONE~~~~Sorry for the VERY late update----HOW IS EVERYONE????ALLYSON~~~National Memorial Candle lighteing ceremony---(Compassionate Friends)

[willsmom]

I am thinking of taking over Compassionate Friends....the chapter is inactive...I want to do it....Ideas??? I would love to help people; but the lady who was running it it said there were only 4 to 12 people.........................HELP

WillsMom~~Allyson

[kirksdad]

Willsmom, it might be a really good thing to do. We have thought about doing it here because there isn't a group close by, but just don't have the time now. I am getting close to retirement and need to think about what I would like to do and that is one of the things I keep thinking about. If you feel this is something that you would like to do then you know there will be a lot of people you could help. I wouldn't worry about numbers, the meetings we went to usually had about 16 people in it and it was really beneficial. Go for it if you think this is something you would like to do.

[willsmom]

Please read The Worst Loss how families heal from the death of a child...Author: Barbara D. Rosof

[willsmom]

May God keep all babies close ...under his wing...the 25th is close....GOD BLESS ALL CHILDREN....

[kayleym]

Hello and Merry Xmas to everyone. I am spending Xmas morning alone. My husband has gone to spend it with his family. I was not invited. I was very upset but its kind of nice to be alone. My children are coming for dinner and I've decorated the house and wrapped presents. Also I was invited to my nieces house last night for drinks. So all in all, it hasn't been too bad. I am so thankful for my children. They hold me together. Well take care everyone and have a joyful and peaceful Xmas. Christine.

[Artina]

Christine,

I am happy to hear that your children will be with you today. I am sorry that your husband's family has not included you in their Christmas plans- shame on them. However, I am so glad that you will be spending your time with those that love you and who you love. That's all that matters in the end- love.

Peace to all, Tina

[kayleym]

Hi, its Christine. Its Feb12 and so far i haven't spoken to anyone since xmas because the site isn't updated on my computer. I'm not sure if its because i haven't spoken or if the site is closed but it would be nice to know whats happening with everyone. Things are better here. I have started a new job and I am doing better. However, my husband has decided, now that I'm better, that he would prefer not to have any more children. His ex has decided to sue for custody so i guess he assumes I'll get pregnant and take the baby away too. I don't know. All I know is that he won't talk about it and i need to talk. If anyone is still out there, it would be nice to hear from someone. Bye for now.

[Guest Guest]

My little boy was born too early and he didnt make it. I am so afraid to sleep I cant eat my heart is broken.

i held him in the hospital for hours. i want him back in my arms again forever this is so unfir i did everything i was supposted to do. i had excellent pre natal care i ate well. i want my baby back so bad. I would do anything just to hear him cry

[willsmom]

Hi Guest---sorry for the slow answer. I can relate to everything you are feeling; I too, never heard my son cry, though he did live three weeks, he was very sick. He was full-term and just lovely. I have lost exactly 67 lbs. and have and still do have trouble sleeping. I do take meds., for sleep troubles (night terrors), and panic---I would love to more about you...if you feel okay with that. My name is Allyson, and I am WillsMom---I am here. Allyson

[kirksdad]

I hope that tomorrow finds everyone ok. I say ok because it is so hard to get into the holidays as they come and go each year. I know that Easter for us use to be such a wonderful holiday. When the kids were little and even as they grew we still had Easter baskets, Church, and a nice Easter dinner. Now it has gotten to where we do go to church, but the other things that use to be nice, and I am sure still would be if Kirk was alive, have fallen by the wayside. Christmas we have been able to endure because of such a change in the way we celebrated it. Maybe someday that will come with Easter, but it hasn't as of yet. It is just another day that I wish could be different.

I hope some of you are able to have even a good time with family tomorrow and be able to celebrate, but I know how hard that can be. I guess as the years go by we come to our own version of the new way things are going to be. Sometimes it can come quickly, sometime it takes time. Which ever place we are all at the is ok. I hope that tomorrow is ok for everyone, also. Happy and Hopeful Easter.