Hello

[griffinsmom]

I had my first child at 27. He is the light of my life- and I love him so much. He was killed in a car accident at 17.5 on Jan. 1, 2005. My daughter was born Nov. 1, 2004- I was 45. Griffin got to know her and hold her. She is perfect, if it werent for her presence in my life, I probably would have completely died when Griffin did. What a life. I, too got my tubes tied after Gianna, and regret it now. Despite my age, Gianna is so perfect, Id have another one tomorrow if I could..,.(turn back the hands of time).

Just an FYI

[willsmom]

GriffinsMom,

What a nice way of putting things...you have got me thinking reversal, and doubting myself...Hmmmm, I would have to conquer hubby first. I am sorry for you loss, but the way you speak/type of your daughter is so heartfelt, I really am having doubts. May God Bless your son and keep your daughter safe. And I hope we helped Christine....Sincerely, WillsMom~~Allyson

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

Thank you for sharing your story. As you know, the fear is sometimes larger than my strength. However, I will keep trying and hope for the best.

Peace to you, Tina

[kayleym]

Hi its Christine again: I just wanted to reply to Griffin and Wills moms and say thank you. You are helping me enormously. The thought that I can come to this site and talk about whats personal and important and have someone understand is so special. I think alot of people figure that when you've had a miscarriage you should just get on with it. Now that I'm talking about having another one, I'm getting all kinds of talk again. Like I'm crazy and what could I be thinking. Like I haven't heard it before. Its weird after all this time I still feel like I failed. But I guess eventually you have to live with it somehow. I am really grateful that there is someone out there who understands and doesn't think I'm repeating myself. I hope that things are going well for everyone. Or as good as can be expected. Its almost like you end up in a club somehow where nobody else understands what you've gone through. I know that sounds glib but thats where I am because I don't have anyone to talk to. Anyway when I open this site and see that someone acknowledges that fact that I'm not crazy, its very much appreciated. Take care.

[willsmom]

Oh Christine:

I am so glad you are feeling a little better on your decision making process, and noone who hasn't suffered what we all have suffered will ever get it or understand it, much less even have a clue of where you are coming from. I am having a bad night, I thought I was doing so well and handling thngs, and then that dark, forboding feeling hits and I just feel sick to my stomach and I am so tempted to keep running to the Xanax bottle to just wash away all the anxiety and hurt, and utter pain. I just am just at a loss, in every way. I don't know what to do, I feel so low and alone and beside myself. I just wish my son was alive, but he is not and will never be and here I sit--constantly thinking all the thoughts I try to run from, or pray about, and I get shake them this evening; I think they are here to stay tonight. I think I will have a Xanax...all I have done is sleep all day, as I did yesterday...and now Monday will be here and it is back to making myself do things I don't want too. All I want to do is keep my living children with me and just be at home...all signs the depression is back, even with the meds. Why are we fine one minute and completely blown out of the water the next? I dread hearing from the attorney, which is a constant fact during the week, and then if I don't hear something I dread that. I dread the weekday mornings because they include having thoughts of "what would Will and I be doing", "what time would Will have gotten up,"what would he have eaten for breakfast"---it is endless and it is back...just pulling me in every sickening direction. Any advice aout there?? I think my bottom is coming at me and I can't come out of the nose dive. WillsMom~~Allyson

[willsmom]

I wish there was more folks here to talk to and express with. I understand that I may need to switch boards...please let me know---or if you are out there, not answering, and just reading...know that I need a friend, and you probably do too......WillsMom~~Allyson

[griffinsmom]

Wills Mom-

I find myself visiting many boards on this site. There is much information and experience floating around.

I, toogo from functioning to not functioning- believeing, to not believing again, and back- waiting for Griffin to come home- and refusing to believe he is even gone. It is a horrible thing to go through, really. You can visit Griffins website- it is sad, but funny at the same time-

Griffin-Schwartz.memory-of.com

Peace to you- really.

[Artina]

Willsmom,

I too float on each of the loss of a child boards- like Griffinsmom said- there is a lot of information floating around. It's nice to hear different perspectives from all parents who have lost a child. Please feel free to post on all the boards!

Peace to you, Tina

[cbreault]

Hello its christine. It has been a few days since I have written. I am able to check in on everyone once in a while but did not feel much like writing. I am going back to work next week. The doctor feels that I am ready but I don't. It has been a lot to deal with the last year. Talking on the boards and listening to everyone makes me realize that I am not alone. Because I am getting better again and starting to want someone to talk too. But my husband works long days and finds it difficult to discuss the operation and rarely discusses the baby. I guess thats his way of coping, but makes for long days for me. So its nice to know there are people out there that understand. Take care. I've run out of energy and can only sit for so long.

[kirksdad]

cbreault, you touch upon something that bothers us all, the not being able to talk. Starting work is hard also, but since you have just gone through such an emotional and physical trauma to your body, I understand the need for time. After our son's death we had to start work right away. He died the first of Aug. and then we were back to work within 2 weeks. It was very hard, but later as I look back it was probably the best thing that could happen because, although I thought about Kirk a lot, there was not the totally intense feelings because of the distraction that work gave.

[Artina]

Christine,

I agree with Jim... looking back I too can see that work was helpful to the grief process. I hated every minute of it and I was angry that I had to work after losing my son, but it forced me to do all those "firsts" that I would have rather saved to do five years later. It has been almost four years since my son crossed over and I am glad that I have that path cleared, because it would mean that I still have "that" to do. Realize that it will be a hard task to endure and be sure to give yourself permission to take time out's where you can just be- in order to let your Spirit catch up with your physical body.

Peace to you and much energy- Tina

[willsmom]

My son will have died tonight one year ago today...I could go on and on...but why? He is dead, and I cannot change any of it. We think he died somewhere around 2 to 3 AM....I am just going to try and get through.....WillsMom~~Who loves and misses him!!!!! May God rest his soul.

[kirksdad]

willsmom, that is all any of us can do is try to get through. These dates are very hard.

[Artina]

Willsmom,

My heart goes out to you. Please know that we are thinking about Will and your family today.

Peace to you, Tina

[kayleym]

Thank you all for the understanding and kindness with which you have shown me. To Will's mom, take care, this time must be especially hard for you and your family. Just know that we are thinking of you and will help in any way. We are here during this trying time. Take care Christine

[willsmom]

Thank-you all Christine, Tina and Kirksdad, it was awful and the days that have followed are even worse, I have no clue why....it just is so final and I have nothing...I mean, I have alot; my two living boys, but something is always feeling like it is missing. I better quit I have to take my son to some ballroom dancing/manner thing. I feel like sh**...but must...go, go ,go as hubby lays in the bed. Thank you all!! Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

I understand that you feel worse following the days of Will's Angel Day. It makes perfect since; you have the year long build up of "that" day, it comes, then you have the fall out of "that" day. It's like post partum depression- it comes after the birth event. The body struggles to keep up with our hurting heart, stress and physical demands. Even before I lost my son, those ingrediants would have led to depression. Thus, it makes since that we rise and fall- some of us every second, minute, day, week, and hopefully less consistantly with time. Take care of yourself and be sure to ask for help... your husband may need you to tell him.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Tina: Thank you for all your kind words and support. I am not doing well, trying to have panic attacks and keep feeling like some impending doom is coming. My sister wanted me to go to a hypontist, and I signed up to go and then backed out, due to the fact I really am not sure I can be hypontized, according to my step-father, who is a retired psycholgist, and it was $250.00 an hour!!!! I try to tell her there is no magic bullet, no immediate repair, and she insists I am getting worse, when I feel alot of these emotions are dated related. I mean, just because a year is gone by, does NOT mean I should get up and be "normal" or "myself"---my son is dead--I will never be the person I was, why do people not understand that?? The fun loving, free wheeling days of happiness or pretty stable happiness are now a swirled up mess. I don't know what to do or how to feel or maybe I am worse and do not see it. I feel as though I am some what better, but noneof us will ever be 100% the same--ever. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?? I am tryng so hard. Sincerely, WillsMom~~Allyson

[lilymaysnan]

hi to all i have recently lost my grandaughter, she was stillborn, but it annoys me as to think that she was in my daughters body with no problems at all and stayed there for 41 weeks and fine all the way to the hospital and in the hospital for at least an hour and half, then for them to say yhat there was no heartbeat. We were all so saddaned, but we seem to be getting worse over the last couple of weeks. I know that it has only been 8 weeks this sunday, but why does it seem to get harder. I hate it when people say oh we think you are being strong and brave about it, but they dont see the pain in our hearts do they. I know that these little angels are here for a reason and taken away so fast for a reason, but i wished that i could find out what this reason was. anyway thanks for reading this

[Artina]

Allyson,

Nothing changes at the one year mark. People around you will always try to impose their views or expectations on you and it is really up to you to set your boundaries. I still say, after four years, "I am not ready to do that yet". If someone starts to give me feedback, I tell them, "and it's not up for discussion".

We will carry our son's with us FOREVER... with time you will choose to open doors to the outside world when you are ready. It will just happen and that's how you will know when you are ready.

I still don't want to go to office celebrations or anything alike. The only celebrations I will attend will be the ones that surround my family. I don't want to lose one second of one day with my living child... So whatever energy I have in me will be reserved for celebrating life with him. It's okay... because it works for my husband, my son, and myself.

Please know, that I know, that when you smile you are still crying in your heart. Please also know, that I know, that when you plan ahead in your life, you still travel back to "that day". Finally, please know, that I know, that you will carry Will everywhere you go in your life FOREVER.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Lilymaysnan, I am so sorry for your loss. I know I have said this before, but love knows no time period. We love our children from the moment we find out we are lucky enough to be able to have them. We have so many hopes, so many dreams for them even before we see their faces. Being a parent, and a grandparent, starts the moment they are concieved and the loss no matter when takes such a toll on us. So many times there are no answers, no understanding, why we are the ones that have to go through this. I wish there were some answers, but for us that have been on this journey what you are feeling is very natural in the beginning, it is a feeling of hopelessness, intense pain. Time helps, but the love is always there.

[willsmom]

Tina: Your words are always so helpful and comforting. I appreciate them immensely, and you are so right with everything you said. I also love the response you gave to give to people...believe me, I am going to use it. It comes right to the point and leaves no room for any response, which I love. Thanks again, and may your day(s) be good to you. WillsMom~~Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

I'm glad that I could help.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Hi to all, I really just have a request for some advice: I would like to have a tubal, and my husband is terrified of having it done. I know my Will is gone forever, but would still like to have a baby, not to replace him, just to be a mother again. My living children are 12 and 8. My husband wobbles on this topic of going through with it, he scared of all the surgeries, I am not. The tubal itself takes an hour to an hour and 1/2...and it is outpatient. I have sent them all my records, and they said I have more than enough tubing left on both sides to put me in a high % bracket. I just can't get my husband to commit. He worries about age also, I will be 37 in Jan. Anyone ever done this? Anyone had trouble with their husbands'? A man's perspective would be nice too, if any would like to throw in their two cents...Any and all comments welcome...and thanks. WillsMom~~Allyson

[kirksdad]

Willsmom,

To be honest my wife and I wish we would have had more kids. Hind sight is always better than foresight. We are into our 50's and too set in our ways, but if I had the possibility of becoming a father again I would take it in a heartbeat.. As far as your husband being afraid for you, again, talking always seems to help, but maybe there is more to it than he is letting on, I don't know. Losing a child is so tramatic that I wonder if he is thinking that having the surgery is going to complicate matters more and that the outcome is scarey no matter which way one looks at it. The decision of course it going to be made as a couple and maybe your courage will help him see that trying again isn't something to be afraid of, but something to look forward to. I hope that everything works out for you and your husband.

[Artina]

Allyson,

My husband had a reversal (vasectomy) a year and two months ago. He is 42 and I am 39. I was very scared to put him through a reversal. He was scared thinking about me getting pregnant. But... we closed our eyes and did it. Tell your husband that this is what you want- a life with more living children. I know that I want a life with two to three more living children. I love being a mother and nothing makes me happier than the idea that I can continue this role that I love so much. My living son is 16 and he is a Junior in high school. The idea of him going off to college makes me sad beyond belief. I love children and I am willing to take care of another child or two for the second half of my life. That's the one things that brings a smile to my heart. It can be that simple.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Thanks Kirksdad...I wish my husband had your outlook, but he does not. Tina, you are so lucky, what I would give to have my husband feel the way your does, and Kirksdad too. I had him read the posts, and he simply said "so"~~~VERY frustrating. I am at a loss except to just accept or leave, who want to be with someone who does not even love you enough to give you something so wonderful?? I am going to have to ponder that...I mean, I can never see myself denying him something so wonderful, so perfect...out of fear...Fear is everywhere...Geez, I could fall down the steps tomorrow...Anything can happen, but you have to live to feel alive...I don't know, maybe I am selfish. I am going to have to think on this one...And Tina, I pray for you to have those wonderful children you want, and I will pray until you post that you are expecting....I would be so happy for you!! A wonderful day to all of us tomorrow and may God keep all of our children close. WillsMom~~Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

My husband wasn't up for it when I first started talking about it. No way. He was like, "no". I gathered information, data, and costs and kept feeding him information until he started asking questions back. Then one day I asked, "do you want me to make an appointment to talk to the doctor- consultation"? My husband said, "sure... why not". Then the rest is history. Although, I think he may have to go in for a second reversal, because I don't think that it took. That's another road we may have to cross. We'll see. If you decide to do it, be sure to pick a doctor that has done a lot of them.

Peace to you and hang in there, Tina

[willsmom]

I swear, Tina---I love you to death...I have done all that and I still get a "NO"---He thinks I will die and leave him, or we will have another baby with problems...I could careless. You are so lucky, what I would give!!! He worries about our living boys and how much they depend on me, he is not exactly a "hands on father"...actually to be quite frank, my kids think he is mean, and harsh...I try so hard to ease those feelings, that I am actually considering divorce....My oldest actually has said I should leave "Dad"---To much honesty, for a board...I appreciate your help...and maybe we could e-mail-

Sincerely,

WilllsMom~~Allyson

gbush@rose.net

[Artina]

Allyson,

I understand. Let me share that we didn't talk about a reversal until three years after we lost our son. I think that was because I wasn't considering having a child prior to losing Chris (our kids were 19 and 12). The whole idea was just as scarry to me when I first thought about it, as it was to my husband when I presented it to him. I tossed it around in my head for quite a while, before approaching my husband.

Your husband and you have been dealt a harsh hand and his anger has to be the one thing that holds him together. I understand your husband’s anger. I understand you thinking about divorce. It's too hard to do our own emotions, let alone helping someone else do theirs. It's very important to allow each other to go at your own pace. That's fair, because we want to go at our own pace- right. Give yourself a three year window... give your husband a three year window. I swear to you that where you are right now... you won't be there in three years. It will get better. Allow your husband to grieve in, what looks like, his "non caring" way. Let him know that you are there for him when he wants to talk... I know this is hard, because you want a shoulder to lean on too. But he doesn't have that big of shoulders to carry "all" of it. I'm sure the baby topic is way too much right now. Be patient...

My husband didn't want to burden me with his pain and thus kept plugging away until his health started to decline. Amazing ha! I thought he was just "moving" on and doing life. The fact is that he doesn't grieve the same as me...

A lot of what you are feeling is part of the whole grieving process. Husbands, wives, and children are all affected by the loss of a family member. It's okay to share this on the forum; if you are comfortable with it. If your not, e-mail me (click on my mail icon at the top of my post).

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Tina: You are so much more understanding then I am, everything you say is right, and I do have a tendency to be hard on my husband, but I also hate to being told no, very mature, I know--LOL--, but I just wish he would warm to the idea. I guess he is in the grips of fear, but I feel the possible chance to hear the coo of baby and to hold a sweet little baby out weigh any bad...but I am a woman, he is man---any you right, I must realize he is in his own grief mode, we all out---I just want my way...again, very mature. I will ease off of him and just toss at him here and there. Thanks again--you really are a great person, and very intuitve...Take care and try to have a wonderful weekend!! WillsMom~~Allyson

[lilly50]

I hope you do not mind my writing this in several areas of your forum but I read a book recently called "Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief" and it has helped me to cope with the loss of my beautiful grand daughter Amelia.

I am a member of Whiskey Creek Press publishers, and avidly read thier romances.

However at the beginning of October I noticed a book that was non-fiction that dealt with grief. Though I have read other books dealing with grief, this one touched me personally as well as to give me guidelines and helped me to understand so much of what is going on inside of myself as well as my family.

The authors name is Katlyn Stewart. She has done an amazing job in hitting the nail on the head in helping parents,grandparents and even friends understand what happens when we grieve,

I highly recommend it and will post this in several areas in the hope that it will help just one person like it did me.

Also on the Whiskey Creek page was her web addresss- http://katlynstewart.com. If you have a chance, read this book.

Thank you,

Lilly

[Artina]

Allyson,

You will benefit from “your” patience. In a way, your patience will give you exactly what you want in the end.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Tina: I tend to agree with you and I hope you are right...Right now, I just miss Will and think of his life and his nursery(which is still intact)....I am so all over the place emotionally, I keep thinking all is in God's hands....You are a great person/friend....Keep in touch...Allyson

[kayleym]

I agree that it is in God's hands as well. Even though we don't understand what we're going through, maybe we will come to understand it in the future. Even though its only been 3 months for us, I still find myself asking, Why. But of course we have to move on somehow. I find for me, being with my 2 older kids and trying to strenthen my relationship with my husband seems to help because I know that I haven't gone through this alone. And, Allison, my husband also has a habit of giving the impression that he doesn't care or he's over the grief and would prefer not to hear it. But every once in a while when I get really upset and ask him if he's forgotten the baby, he'll say no but its too hard for him to talk all the time. So I know that he still grieves, but in his own way. Sometimes it feels like your doing it alone. I have to stop and realize that he had the baby too, not just me. I think right now maybe, just time will heal you somehow. It may still hurt, but maybe we could appreciate the fact that we were blessed just to know them for a short while. I don't know if that helps because I'm trying to decide whether to start again. So its a similar dilemna, I suppose. Anyway, take care, Christine.

[willsmom]

Hi Christine!! Long time no hear from!! Glad to see you appear/sound like you are doing well, and I am glad. I was just sitting outside, thinking about God and Will and that he is safe, and you are right, we are lucky to have known our children, even if it was not long enough. I have really started to turn more to God than I ever have in my life, and it really does help me, never being overly spitirtual, I find it the only way to deal with all this, and I do feel comfort and strength from God, He really does answer...and gives me hope and strength, which I need. So, we are right, it truly lies with God. I hope I do not sound like some Bible beater, or religious zealot, but I can find peace in all of this mess with leaning toward faith, then anything else. Take care and know I still think of you often!!! WillsMom~~Allyson

[willsmom]

Hi WillsMom here, and having a tough go of it this evening. Why are Sundays so miserable?? I just seem sad, plain and simple, sick feeling and just a horrible emptiness...alone. Last week I was doing so well, it was probably the best week I had in a year, and now here is the forboding feelings, constant thinking of Will's little body in the ground at the cemetary, when he should be having a warm, bubbly bath, splashing around after his little dinner...getting him ready for bed--I am a mess. Why does this happen, is it just part of it? Why do I come so far and then fall into a pit of horrible thoughts, a longing for things that can never be?? I am going to try andpull out of this nose-dive, I have all week to face. I hate Sundays. Thanks for listening/reading. WillsMom~~Allyson---Please pray for me, and Will--- Thank-you.

[kirksdad]

Willsmom, Sundays can be very hard because of the work week that follows. I know at first I dreaded every Sunday because that meant that I would have to spend the week trying not only to hide my feeling, but listening to all the things others had to say about how normal their life was. I didn't have a normal life and I was somewhat resentful of their ability to still talk about it all in front of me. Thank goodness those feelings have passed, but it took a while. You are not alone in feelng that way.

[willsmom]

Thanks Kirksdad, I agree with your perspective. I just struggle at times, and then if I am not struggling, I wonder what is wrong with me. A horrible no win situation. I am glad to see you are writing again. You have been extremely busy!! I look forward to reading what you write, as you know, it helps me. Thanks again for your kindness!

Sincerely,

WillsMom~~Allyson

[jtparent]

Unfortunately, I am a new member to this site. We lost our son Jason Thomas \'J.T.\' last month. He was born 9/24/05 and died an hour later. I was only 22 weeks pregnant with him. Everything was so perfect from the get go, it is still unbelievable that it ended this way. I got pregnant easily, never had morning sickness, and just felt pretty good the entire time. Now I feel emtpy, and so guilty. I let my son, my husband, and our parents down (J.T. is my parents first grandchild.) I have found out that I am unable to carry a baby without having my cervix sewn shut. My only job was to carry our son to term, and I couldn't do it. And now I'm just supposed to go about my life, get back to work, and put on a happy face. Somehow, I make it thru a work week, but as soon as I get home on Friday evening, I break down. I should be 28 weeks pregnant now, not a mom without a baby! And the dumb stuff people say to me, I just want to scream. Sure, I can get pregnant again (I hope), but that doesn't change the fact that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, my first child, and he is gone.

[Artina]

JTParent,

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is so difficult. I lost my son on Jan 4, 2002, at the age of 19. I has been so difficult for us and you are so right- people do say really stupid things. I have learned that the subject of my son is off limits with people, until I feel safe with someone to talk about him. You will find tools and boundaries as you move along your grief journey, which will help ease the difficulties down the road.

You will carry the loss of JT forever and you don't have to get over it. However, you do have to get "through it" in order to continue living the life that you have been given. It won't be easy, but you will learn to live life side by side with your grief- that is what we do everyday.

Please know, that as a parent, the last thing I would want my daughter to feel is that she let me down for ANY reason and especially for losing a child. Your mom, dad, and husband know that you would have never put your child in danger and I'm sure they want nothing more than to ease YOUR pain. Be easy on yourself.

Peace to you, Tina

[willsmom]

Let me first say, I am so sorry for your loss. We all are in horrible pain here. Tina is a great giver of advice. Please read and listen. I am still at a point where I jump around. I suffer some days that are horrible, and I am not ashamed to say I do take meds. and drink....I just try hsrd to live. Your pain is real and will be with you, but now we are here....even if you just want to ramble....I have never met anyone here whose is mean or harsh...they all are kind. And as I read, I am rambling...We are here...and Tins is great as is Kiksdad, he writes helpful, understanding things...read them if they fit you..WillsMom~~Allyson

[kayleym]

We are all going through our own personal turmoils. But just knowing that we are not the only ones enduring this, makes it all that much easier. I believe in time we come to appreciate the fact that we were allowed the chance to know these specials children, even if only for a short while. Take care, Jtparent, we are all here if needed. Christine

[Artina]

When I first found Beyond Indigo, three and half years ago, I felt so alone in my grief. I felt that we had a target on us and we were picked out of 20,000 people in our community to lose our child. It felt so personal. However, moving through time has opened so many doors of knowledge and I have since learned that we were not the only parent's to lose a child. Just knowing that there were people who had survived the loss of a child gave me so much hope.

Before Beyond Indigo, I didn't know if we would be able to survive our loss without destroying what we had left. I was struggling with, "what now- how do I keep my family going"? I didn't have a clue what, when, where, or how to move forward- which made it more difficult to find my way out of the darkness. When I signed onto Beyond Indigo and read the stories from parent's who had lost their children- I felt HOPE ( I sound like I'm making a commercial). But, seriously... it changed the road that I was on- all of a sudden there were some road signs, traffic signals that would direct me in the right direction, and even some basic rules to follow. Sure, I had to choose to take each step, but the journey has been a lot easier than if I would have had to do it all by myself (like over a mountain full of trees and bushes with no help).

We are so important to the process of healing each other! Each grief story reaches out and touches someone, somewhere.

Peace to all, Tina

[jtparent]

Thank you Tina, Christine and Allyson for responding to my post. I re-read what I wrote, and I typed the wrong birthdate of J.T. He was born on 9/14/2005. I know I'm not the only person that has ever lost a baby, but right now, knowing that doesn't make it stink any less.

I lost my beloved dog almost two years ago to a freak accident (he suffocated on a bag from a cereal box that was left out) and I found much comfort from an online forum and the wonderful people there. That is why I sought out this forum. I have a feeling that I will find what I'm looking for from this great group of people.

Thank you, God Bless.

Melissa

[kirksdad]

Melissa, you have found a safe spot here with wonderful people. The feeling of a parent in the death of a child isn't limited to age or even development in the womb. We love our kids from the moment we find out we are blessed enough to be able to have them. What a rush of emotions when we first find out about them. The pain of loss, when it comes to a part of us, is great, but in time we do feel better and know that life happens so many different ways, just like death. I am sorry for your loss, it hurts, I know.

[willsmom]

Hello to all--I am just checking in, and have been trying to keep up with everyone. I do have a question...I am on Paxil CR and Xanax. The Xanax I try very hard to only take under severe circumstances, and I have had a kind of rough week, so I took 1 1/2 today. I am prescribed to take up to three a day, but when I did take the 1 and 1/2 today, I found myself so much better, so un-stressed...even ready to hit the grocery; I hate to say happy, but I actually felt good...Here's the question: Could I be addicted?? I usually only take a 1/2 in the AM. I seek my "shrink" on Monday, but feel weird asking this question...because my Mother in law was on them for two years and had no trouble. Anyone ever take Xanax?? Should I just flat out ask if I could be addicted, or should I chalk it up to a hellish weekend/beginning of the week. I was at Will's grave, cleaning and fixing, and on the way home began to get hives on my neck and chest, and started to have trouble breathing...no Xanax involved. I told my husband all this and he said I was hooked on them. I feel I am not, because I have tried soooo hard not to be. Any thoughts, experiences, advice---would be wonderful. Love and prayers to all, and especially our beloved children--WillsMom~~Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

I don't take any medication... Don't you take the Xanax to help you with depression or anxiety? Thus without them you are face to face with your emotions, which brings on the panic attack. I'm sure that short term use is okay- to help you get through the roughest part of your grief journey. However, what does one do long term? You should talk to your Doctor about that.

I was just wondering what the side effects are of those two drugs? I know that you have talked about having another baby and I would be sure that there are no side effects to those drugs that could compromise your health. Just a thought.

You really should talk to a Pharmacist about addiction and side effects- they are experts on medicine.

Take care of yourself, Tina

[willsmom]

Hi Tina:

No chance of a new baby here...husband says "NO"---it has caused HUGE problems...I hate to be glib, but my pharmcist is like Brad Pitt, he is too fine and knows all problems, which is wonderful, because he is so kind. I have never dicussed addiction to Xanax with him, which is strange being he knows when I flip out or have a yeast infection...I guess, I will ask the "shrink"---I really do not feel addicted, I just think it lessens the pain and adds a calming to my anxiety filled/worrisome personality. I just want Will, even after a little more than a year. Everyone in my family thinks I am crazy, driven by grief, and just depressed...Oh, both meds. are supposed to help with depression and the horrilbe panic attacks, they help, but then again I am afraid to take the Xanax, which is the most calming. I really hate to bug you, but you have been so wonderful to me through these posts....I am so thankful to you. I am just lost, and do not want to be a "pill head"----I better get my living boys in the hay....bye for now...stay close, please. Allyson

[Artina]

Allyson,

I understand... I have thought about taking something to help with the anxiety and worry (that would be wonderful), however I do fear addiction. Plus, I don't think it's good for my "health". I don't know if those two RX's are addictive, but it would be good to ask. Eventually I would think that your Doctor (shrink- your words), would give you some tools or physical exercises to help decrease the anxiety attacks; I would think that you have to figure out how to get through them eventually or you will be on the drugs for ??? years. Just a thought. If you need them you need them.

Also, you are not crazy. You have lost a child. I just don't understand why anyone would expect you to "get over it". They are actually off a little because, that is just not a normal expectation.

Take care of yourself Allyson. Be sure to eat, drink plenty of water, and slow down long enough for your Spirit to catch up to you- this will hurt; but it also heals.

Peace to you, Tina