My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly August 12th

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Trillandjoy said:

My deepest sympathies I’m feeling the same thing right now. My wife of 30 years  died a month ago. Everyone always looked at our relationship as a model. It wasn’t perfect but real close. She’s not replaceable. She was in good health, 47 years old, worked out daily. We did everything together. It’s devastating. I don’t know what I’m gonna end up like. I’m trying best I can but it’s a nightmare. I know man it’s worst thing ever in my life to happen.What I do is I think about what my wife would want me to do. I know she would want me to stay healthy and do well. That’s the thing I think about. It’s keeping me going, kinda. I don’t know what to say cause nothing anybody says to me does any good. Just letting u know ur not alone.

@Trillandjoy  I'm glad you're here although I wish none of us had cause to be.  All I know is a site such as this literally saved me when I lost my husband.  Everyone always watched us too as our love was evident and palpable.  So in love.  Life isn't fair, that's for sure.  My husband was had his 51st birthday and then he died five days later.  He looked the picture of health, big and strong but 32" waist.  Who would have known!  That was nearly 16 years ago but feels like yesterday.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[luckystarhongkong]

I too lost my wife 1 months ago. She had sudden chest pain at home and passed away 12 hrs later. It was aortic dissection. She was my first love(we met when we were 17), my soul mate and best friend. We's been through ups and downs over the years and our love just got deeper and deeper. We were married for 25 years. We were the envy of our friends and relatives. I thought I was the luckiest man in the world.

I am now devastated, not knowing how to go on without her. I know how you all are feeling. That doesn't make you feel better I know, but you are not alone. All I want to say is how lucky we'd been to be able to experience true love, the most beautiful thing in life. But when true love is gone, the piercing pain is unbearable.

[MikeV]

I’ve been reading this thread & it’s helped. I unexpectedly lost my wife a month ago today. 

I don’t even know what I want except for her back. It ain’t happening but hearing that others have gone through the same thing somehow helps. I’m not alone. 
 

For everyone, what can you tell me about what’s coming up? I get angry easily & I recognize why. It’s all internal. 
 

I think I’m still in disbelief. I just want to know she’s OK. I felt her next to me once that told me she was fine. Just worried about me. Anyone had an experience like that?

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, MikeV said:

I’ve been reading this thread & it’s helped. I unexpectedly lost my wife a month ago today. 

I don’t even know what I want except for her back. It ain’t happening but hearing that others have gone through the same thing somehow helps. I’m not alone. 
 

For everyone, what can you tell me about what’s coming up? I get angry easily & I recognize why. It’s all internal. 
 

I think I’m still in disbelief. I just want to know she’s OK. I felt her next to me once that told me she was fine. Just worried about me. Anyone had an experience like that?

 

 

 

I am so sorry for your loss, that anyone ever has to go through this.  I believe they are out of their suffering, no more pain or sorrow, now ours has begun.  I didn't see how I could make my way through this but I am here still 16 years later, one day at a time.  You are not alone, we are here to walk through this with you, I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, it helps to express yourself and know you are heard and understood by others that "get it."

We can't say what is next for you as everyone's journey is unique, just as they are.  We can share what we've been through or learned.  It's a long journey, ever evolving.

Grief Process

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Diane R. E.]

Hello MikeV; I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband of 37 years passed away almost 7 months ago. The grief journey is unique for each person, yet we share similarities. I've felt almost every emotion that exists - deep sorrow, pain that causes physical symptoms, frustration, being overwhelmed, anxiety, the list could go on and on. Whatever you are feeling at any one time, you can post about it on this forum, as we all get it. As for a sign that your wife is ok, you will see them when you least expect them - just be open and they will occur. My heart goes out to you! 

[MikeV]

6 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

Hello MikeV; I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband of 37 years passed away almost 7 months ago. The grief journey is unique for each person, yet we share similarities. I've felt almost every emotion that exists - deep sorrow, pain that causes physical symptoms, frustration, being overwhelmed, anxiety, the list could go on and on. Whatever you are feeling at any one time, you can post about it on this forum, as we all get it. As for a sign that your wife is ok, you will see them when you least expect them - just be open and they will occur. My heart goes out to you! 

Thank you. That helps me a great deal.

[MikeV]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss, that anyone ever has to go through this.  I believe they are out of their suffering, no more pain or sorrow, now ours has begun.  I didn't see how I could make my way through this but I am here still 16 years later, one day at a time.  You are not alone, we are here to walk through this with you, I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, it helps to express yourself and know you are heard and understood by others that "get it."

We can't say what is next for you as everyone's journey is unique, just as they are.  We can share what we've been through or learned.  It's a long journey, ever evolving.

Grief Process

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thank you. These help. 

[MikeV]

On 4/24/2021 at 11:18 PM, luckystarhongkong said:

I too lost my wife 1 months ago. She had sudden chest pain at home and passed away 12 hrs later. It was aortic dissection. She was my first love(we met when we were 17), my soul mate and best friend. We's been through ups and downs over the years and our love just got deeper and deeper. We were married for 25 years. We were the envy of our friends and relatives. I thought I was the luckiest man in the world.

I am now devastated, not knowing how to go on without her. I know how you all are feeling. That doesn't make you feel better I know, but you are not alone. All I want to say is how lucky we'd been to be able to experience true love, the most beautiful thing in life. But when true love is gone, the piercing pain is unbearable.

I was lucky in love too. That’s part of what makes it so hard. I know the pain. Never felt this way before.

[KayC]

We welcome you here, you're free to post your thoughts/feelings and read here, I hope it helps you to know you're not alone in this and we're not crazy.

 

[Mark1]

I can empathise with all of the above losses and the immense pain this brings to our once beautiful life. I lost my wife Catherine after forty two years. Catherine was a nurse and a most compassionate and caring person who had saved countless lives on intensive care (ICU). The tragic loss of a child aged three on an ICU unit  in her care attributed a traumatic stress which culminated in many subsequent episodes of severe depression over a period lasting forty years. My dear wife took her life by drowning herself in the sea. On that fateful night before she left the house she intimated that she was looking for a way to end her life. It filled me with anxiety and  got angry with her. I phoned my elderly mother to inform her that I was unable to cope during which time Catherine had left the house. I now live with a profound sense of grief and self blame which I will forever carry with me for the rest of my life. Like many of the testimonies above I share the void and emptiness it leaves behind. I live in a vacuum unable to feel or react to life. I struggle to find purpose and motivation to move forward. Like many I find acceptance the greatest difficulty and ruminate often over the many ways I could have saved her.

Life is short,  we must try somehow to find the inspiration to rebuild our broken hearts - to love again, to live again and comfort those who share our pain.

Mark 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

@Mark1

Mark, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  A terrible sense of guilt often accompanies our grief.  If only we had done .... plagues us with dozens of things we might have done differently, resulting in a different outcome. 

The truth is we are only human, we loved our sweethearts and we showed them that love over the whole course of our time together.  There was no way that we could be clairvoyant on that terrible day and know that we needed to intervene.   We are allowed to be human and react with frustration or inattention in our daily lives.  We didn't know what was about to occur.  We couldn't know.  We have to forgive ourselves for not saving them. 

My circumstances are different than yours, but I struggled for a long time with an overwhelming guilt.  I think many of us here share that experience.  I believe it is a way our brains try to make sense of what has happened.  It is not true that it was our fault, but our shell-shocked brain wants to identify why this happened. In our grief fog, we blame ourselves. 

Be kind to yourself.  This was not your fault.  

Come here to vent, share your story, or just read the posts of other mourners. We understand how hard this is. Our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail

[KayC]

@Mark1,

Welcome here.  I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and that says a lot, I've been through a lot in my lifetime.  My heart goes out to you as you are trying to navigate your way through this loss.

It helps to come here to read and post, helps us process our grief and know there are others going through similar and know they get it and understand.

Feelings are just feelings though and need no actual basis to feel them.  

Most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

Grief Process

 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Shinka]

Mark1, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I didn't loose my husband through suicide, but I can imagine it must be so hard for those left behind. You were with your wife a long time, most of which she struggled with depression. That takes a lot of courage and strength. And at some point you just didn't have that strength anymore, which is completely human and understandable. In my experience, if someone really wants to go, they go. Nothing you could have done, it was her choice. Try to become really still inside, by whatever means, nature, meditation, music.. And then talk to her. Tell her how you feel, ask forgiveness if that helps you ( I'm fairly certain she doesn't feel  there's anything to forgive), and most and for all try to feel compassion towards yourself for having gone through all this worry and anxiety over your wife's health for years and years. Not many people would have been willing or able to do that.